Post by Deleted on Feb 9, 2014 15:17:23 GMT -5
(We open in a peaceful terrace outside of a Mediterranean style villa with 'The Shine' Brent Alpine and his little potbelly manager Percy Micro. Brent is holding a rather sedate Percy in one hand and directing him towards the lens of a telescope. They are gazing into the night sky. The moonlight glistens off the bubbling water of a hot tub. The villa is notable for its array of plants and overall elegance. This contrasts with the conspicuous bottle of fizzy pop, bags of sweets and pig snacks on the table. Alpine is wearing his newly won Television Title around his waist. 'Lights Out, Words Gone' by Bombay Bicycle Club plays softly from inside the villa.)
Percy Micro: The solar system is a curiosity I've never really wasted my time on. I have a friend who is an astrologer nut-job. She believes that every single occurrence in the universe can be predicted and is based on celestial phenomena. She won't even leave the house unless the stars have told her to!
Brent Alpine: Whoa! Wait a minute... you have other mates but me? When did this happen?!
Percy Micro: Indubitably, Mr. Alpine. I have MANY other friends. My fingers... I mean hooves are in a lot of pies.
Brent Alpine: But you're always with me. You're my trusty talking pig who never leaves my side.
Percy Micro: Actually sir, it is you who never leaves my side. And let's face it, you sleep a lot. What do you think I do during that time?
Brent Alpine: Umm... sleep?
Percy Micro: For 15 hours a day? Seriously?
Brent Alpine: Hey, steady on drongo. Such magnitude of magnificence needs more rest than mere mortals.
(Something flashes in the sky. Alpine peers into the telescope to investigate.)
Percy Micro: What is it?!
(It is Tyler Walker and Biohazard in capes, flying in space from the recent promo 'Lost in Space'.)
Percy Micro: Is that...?
Brent Alpine: You betcha. Tyler Walker, my opponent for Slam. What do you think of him?
Percy Micro: According to my notes, I detect rage issues, slight schizophrenia, hysteria, sexual deviance and an intense phobia of soap. What are your views on Mr. Walker?
Brent Alpine: He's bonza! How can anyone not like a snicker eatin', Backstreet Boy jivin', Titanic watchin', poindexter hatin', space wearwolf BEAST?! If I weren't so utterly superior to everyone on the WCF roster, I might actually be a little proturbed. Tyler Walker will be my toughest adversary to date.
Percy Micro: Come on now. I think Denise D'Evil or Serbia might have something to say about that...
Brent Alpine: Who?
Percy Micro: Nevermind.
Brent Alpine: Anyway, look at how Tyler treats his mate Biohazard. They seem so close. I'd love to count them as mates and I'm sure I will after I get my total annihilation of him out of the way.
Percy Micro: I don't know how to tell you this, sir... But Tyler Walker and Biohazard engage in... err, homosexual activity.
Brent Alpine: No no, there's nothing wrong with giving your mate a good pat on the ass here and there. It's like a pep-talk but with a little more hands and bums. Flamin' politically correct and dirty minded brigade turning a little bromance into Brokeback Mountain... it's not on!
Percy Micro: Would it be acceptable to you if I refrain from any derriere 'pep talks', sir?
Brent Alpine: No drama. But you're missing out. Don't you want a little bit of Shine love, Percy?
Percy Micro: This is getting somewhat homoerotic for my tastes.
Brent Alpine: You mean gay? How can it be gay? You're a pig. Anyway, a good hug between blokes is needed once in a while.
Percy Micro: ... Moving swiftly along. How have you enjoyed your first week as TV Champion?
Brent Alpine: It's been up and down to be honest. I love my belt and I'm never going to lose it but it's provided a dilemma for my overall look. My unparalleled fashion eye tells me that a single gold title belt around the waist looks a bit unbalanced. I don't have anything to complement it. It occurred to me to get a gold watch or other accessory but they just wouldn't cut the mustard. What I really need to complete my look is another title belt. Maybe the Hardcore Title. Or you and I can bring back the Tag belts. Dr. Remus Micayle is looking eager for opponent's for his US Title. Or maybe Johnny Fly fancies a piece of The Shine... I don't mind. The more the merrier.
Percy Micro: And how's your Twitter page going?
Brent Alpine: Oh, you mean @theshinewcf? (he looks into the camera and winks) It's been a disappointment so far. None of my WCF colleagues have liked my page. Only Lillith has even bothered tweeting me and she tweets more than a galah.
Percy Micro: How do you feel about that?
Brent Alpine: Aw Percy, you aren't doing that psychology balderdash on me again, are ya? I'm used to it. It might have hurt me for a nanosecond but then I remembered that people get intimidated by greatness. I inadvertently hold up a mirror towards everyone I meet. When they are around me, they are reminded of their failings and all the sickness and dirt in their insignificant lives. It's hard to blame them. People get blinded when they look at The Shine for too long. My arrival on Twitter was too much for them to handle.
Percy Micro: Maybe you could try being a little more social or a little less... How do I say this nicely?
Brent Alpine: Mesmeric?
Percy Micro: I was thinking more 'abrasive'. Sometimes you can rub people up the wrong way.
Brent Alpine: You're right. Take a look at this...
(They peer up at the stars.)
Brent Alpine: Can you see it?
Percy Micro: See what? It's just a bunch of stars and the moon.
Brent Alpine: Exactly! The moon looks biggest but it's actually the smallest. It's a showoff. The biggest star in the entire universe is called VY Canis Majoris. I can see it but no one else can from here. It's 8.2 magnitude and 4892 light years away from earth. Why? Because the other planets and stars got jealous so God let it hide a little bit to raise the others' self esteem. Do you know what the difference between VY Canis Majoris and 'The Shine' Brent Alpine is?
Percy Micro: Do tell.
Brent Alpine: God made me an even bigger star than Majoris. However, in his mercy, he decided to shrink me in stature to a 6 foot 6 human being. He left Majoris the same size but dimmed its radiance to be kind to the other celestial objects. In creation, he changed the blueprint and minimised me from what he had initially designed. However, unlike Majoris, I have not lost a speck of SHINE! I have to be careful and tread the fine line between overwhelming everyone into devastating inadequacy and leading an entertaining and successful career in the Wrestling Championship Federation. Admittedly, this is a high quality problem but sometimes it's lonely at the top and the balance is hard to achieve.
Percy Micro: So you believe in God?
Brent Alpine: Don't you, dingo?
Percy Micro: My reasoned deductions indicate the lack of existence of a deity or any form of creator. It is my assertion that God or Allah or whatever people call him is merely a crutch to fulfill humanity's inherent need to avoid loneliness and meaninglessness.
Brent Alpine: Fair dinkum. All I know for sure is that such splendor as 'The Shine' Brent Alpine wasn't formed by a bunch of cosmological expanding, heating, cooling, flying particles or whatever the scientist drongos say. If there's any irrefutable testimony for intelligent design, it's this right here. The only Big Bang I subscribe to is the almighty feast of love that Mama and Papa Alpine must've had 9 months before my arrival.
Percy Micro: So what's next? Are you going to consult this God of yours on where to go next in your WCF career?
Brent Alpine: Nah mate, it's as clear to me as... err, incredibly hydrated piss. My next steps are firstly to retain my title against Tyler Walker, obtain another piece of gold and find some mates.
Percy Micro: Like who?
Brent Alpine: I'm working on it. It'll obviously have to be some blokes with at least a smidgen of self worth. Otherwise they'll just retreat or eventually bite the hand that feeds.
Percy Micro: If you're so magnificent, why do you need friends?
Brent Alpine: Why did Jesus need disciples? The answer is one word that rhymes with some passion - compassion! Brent Alpine is a gift that needs unwrapping.
Percy Micro: Uh oh, you're not going to strip again?
Brent Alpine: Nah nah. I meant that I am here to be adored. People may be scared right now but, in time, they will drink from The Shine's amber nectar.
Percy Micro: But you have me! I would be reluctant to associate with any of these WCF peons. I deduce that over 90 percent of them have some form of severe neurosis.
Brent Alpine: COMPASSION, Percy Wercy. The WCF wrestlers and the fans worldwide need to know that, in this universe, they are not alone. The Shine is here for that very purpose.
(We, and the stars in the night sky, fade to black.)
