Big Bad Brotherman Happy (Or The Church of Cheesy Burritos!)
Sept 27, 2013 23:23:04 GMT -5
Seth likes this
Post by Mr. Jack Happy on Sept 27, 2013 23:23:04 GMT -5
(Our scene fades in on a wrestling ring. It's dark, save for a single light being cast down in the middle. There we see a...podium set up. We hear the soothing sounds of 'Father Figure' being hummed by....a choir? Next, we hear the smacking sounds of lips feasting on food. You know the sound. That disgusting smack, smack, smack sound. Then a belch.
As the choir really starts getting into the song, we see the MASSIVE form of Mr...err...Big Bad Brotherman Happy!!! He's wearing a bright yellow three-piece suit with evil smiley faces all over them. Over his sewn-in dreadlocks, Happy has on an Al Sharpton-esque wig. Tapping on the microphone a few times, he then speaks.)
"Yessah, we are here today because there is an UPROAR within the WCF. They are crying out for help! They are crying out for salvation. They are seeking a higher power as the days draw near and we find so many people involved in a WAR! What is it good for, they say. I say unto thee it is good for ABSOLUTELY NOTHING-AHHHHHHH! Now can I get an amen from the comedic congregation?"
(We then hear a man screech out in a falsetto voice) AMEN BROTHERMAN HAPPY!!!!!!!!
"Thank you Pookietta! Yessah, the times are troubling. There is a darkening in the skies, a rumbling that would even compete with my empty stomach, and these are signs...SIGNS I SAY UNTO THEE. So as I look into this camera, I am entreating my listening audience at home to please help donate to the cause. Note not only the number that is on your screen right now, but please...PLEASE note the myriad of names that are rolling by the bottom. These are people that need your HELP, that need your SUPPORT (athletic and otherwise), that need your LOVE!!!!!!!!!"
(1-800-BURRITO (1-800-287-7486) appears on the screen. Then the names flash by in lightning fast progression. The choir keeps humming the George Michael song and adding their own religious twist to it as well. Ah, the joys of a television ministry!)
Nathan von Liebert Jonny Fly Sarah Twilight Eric Price Bobby Cairo Logan Gravedigger FPV Waylon Cash John Gable Benjamin Atreyu Odin Balfore Oblivion Night Rider John Barber Jonathan Jakobs Steeltoe Joe Lilith Jordan Caliban Adam Young Jon Michaels Matthew Robinson Lionheart Denise D'Evil Deuce Maximus Tek Doc Henry Havok Cormack MacNeill Eli the Kid Seifer Black Armstrong Johnny Towers Ryan Rhodes Jason Xaiver Jayden Thunder Biohazard Tyler Walker The Masked Man Steve Orbit Jay Price Roy Speede
"My, my, MY!!! Oh Lordy, this is a sad sight indeed. So many of these people...so many lives that will change. Please, won't you help? For the cost of one burrito a day, you can give these special people a new lease on life. You can help them get the medical attention that they so richly deserve-ah. Some of them need checkups from the neck-up and others need VITAL organ transplants like a heart and maybe some intestines (that would be guts for those of a more elementary education that requires a translation.)"
"The aftermath of War will be a troubling sight for many. For not only does this mean that Big Bad Brotherman Happy will join his Burrito-Father in the white tortilla gates up above (Cough) cause my contract is up (Cough). It also means that I will take the precious sacrifice of WCF gold with me. Do not cry for me WCF. Nay, to the Happy-ites and Deranged Denziens in Ha-Ha Land, I tell you that everything will be okay. To the Slap-Happys on the corner of 69th and 88th....all is not lost. To Setheriah himself I say unto thee that there will be a HAPPILY EVER AFTER!"
(Happy hears a rumble in his stomach. He quickly runs off screen as the sound of a not-so-glorious anal trumpet blares. Several choir members are heard gagging and one hits the mat with a thud. Big Bad Brotherman Happy returns, adjusting his wig and attempting to regain his composure as he continues...)
"I see that several of my choir members have bowed their head. And, while some clearly have gotten a sudden outbreak of whooping cough, we shall still pray. Those at home, please bow your heads with me: Burrito-Father who art in heaven. Salsa'd be your name. Thank you for the time you've given me here to do your will. It seems as if so many of these WCF superstars are in need of deliverance. Allow me to lift up their tiny little bodies and not crush them too badly as I metriculate (that would be 'move' for those of you still not capable to follow along at home) them in a parabolic arc over the topmost rope and to the unforgiving...UNFORGIVING I SAY UNTO THEE!...floor below. Please allow me to be the second entrant in this event as I have dealt with a lot of number 2 since I've been here. Please forgive me for the passionate manner in which I execute your judgement upon Sarah 'In the Twilight of her Life' Twilight."
"Also my Burrito-Father, please do not look too harshly upon me for what I will do to the sado-masochistic (that would be...nevermind. If you don't know what that is..ignorance might be bliss for you!) temptress Lilith. Though she is smaller than the burritos I ate when I was in ninth grade, she has inflicted a rather large wound to my head. So now I must strike her in the heel. And then the thigh. And then the back. And then the neck. AND THEN THE HEAD, CRUSHING HER JAW, BREAKING HER NOSE, RIPPING OUT HER EYEBALLS AND SHOVING THEM SO FAR DOWN HER BODY THAT SHE CAN WATCH OUT OF HER BACKSIDE AS I BOOT HER SORRY BUTT OVER THE TOP FREAKIN ROPE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
(Pookietta gasps from the sudden outbreak and stumbles out of the ring, screaming like the little he-girl that he is.)
"Ahem...amen. The donations are coming in and I am proud to say that through your GENEROUS contributions, we've raised.....$5. R-really? Five bucks? SWEET! Well, it's time for me to deposit these generous funds you great people at home have donated to my maniacal ministry into the closest Taco Bell that I can find. Thank you SOOOO much for the help and for the Nielsen ratings. Please do not worry for the 40 wayward souls that will confess their shortcomings to me. And please don't concern yourselves with whatever it is that they have to say. For, you see, they are like Babble-On. They babble on and on and on and on like that annoying relative at a family reunion....you know the one I'm talking about. Just like Babble-On got their language confused and they scattered, so will the aforementioned participants. They will tell you that they will win. They will tell you that it is their DESTINY or it is their RIGHT, but all you have to do is look them in their eye and ask the obvious question. Say it with me everyone: YOU'RE JOKING, RIGHT? Sing us home my choir!!!!!"
(Crickets can be heard in the background. Jack looks around, but doesn't see any figures standing behind him. Looking down, he sees the one that passed out from earlier. Jack looks to the right and then to the left before nudging the lifeless body with his toe. Not seeing her move, the Happyshades then fall down and he casts his trademark scared flinch before screeching out in a falsetto voice (much like Pookietta's) and running off camera, hands flailing like that of a girl. Our scene mercifully fades out. AMEN!!!!!!)
As the choir really starts getting into the song, we see the MASSIVE form of Mr...err...Big Bad Brotherman Happy!!! He's wearing a bright yellow three-piece suit with evil smiley faces all over them. Over his sewn-in dreadlocks, Happy has on an Al Sharpton-esque wig. Tapping on the microphone a few times, he then speaks.)
"Yessah, we are here today because there is an UPROAR within the WCF. They are crying out for help! They are crying out for salvation. They are seeking a higher power as the days draw near and we find so many people involved in a WAR! What is it good for, they say. I say unto thee it is good for ABSOLUTELY NOTHING-AHHHHHHH! Now can I get an amen from the comedic congregation?"
(We then hear a man screech out in a falsetto voice) AMEN BROTHERMAN HAPPY!!!!!!!!
"Thank you Pookietta! Yessah, the times are troubling. There is a darkening in the skies, a rumbling that would even compete with my empty stomach, and these are signs...SIGNS I SAY UNTO THEE. So as I look into this camera, I am entreating my listening audience at home to please help donate to the cause. Note not only the number that is on your screen right now, but please...PLEASE note the myriad of names that are rolling by the bottom. These are people that need your HELP, that need your SUPPORT (athletic and otherwise), that need your LOVE!!!!!!!!!"
(1-800-BURRITO (1-800-287-7486) appears on the screen. Then the names flash by in lightning fast progression. The choir keeps humming the George Michael song and adding their own religious twist to it as well. Ah, the joys of a television ministry!)
Nathan von Liebert Jonny Fly Sarah Twilight Eric Price Bobby Cairo Logan Gravedigger FPV Waylon Cash John Gable Benjamin Atreyu Odin Balfore Oblivion Night Rider John Barber Jonathan Jakobs Steeltoe Joe Lilith Jordan Caliban Adam Young Jon Michaels Matthew Robinson Lionheart Denise D'Evil Deuce Maximus Tek Doc Henry Havok Cormack MacNeill Eli the Kid Seifer Black Armstrong Johnny Towers Ryan Rhodes Jason Xaiver Jayden Thunder Biohazard Tyler Walker The Masked Man Steve Orbit Jay Price Roy Speede
"My, my, MY!!! Oh Lordy, this is a sad sight indeed. So many of these people...so many lives that will change. Please, won't you help? For the cost of one burrito a day, you can give these special people a new lease on life. You can help them get the medical attention that they so richly deserve-ah. Some of them need checkups from the neck-up and others need VITAL organ transplants like a heart and maybe some intestines (that would be guts for those of a more elementary education that requires a translation.)"
"The aftermath of War will be a troubling sight for many. For not only does this mean that Big Bad Brotherman Happy will join his Burrito-Father in the white tortilla gates up above (Cough) cause my contract is up (Cough). It also means that I will take the precious sacrifice of WCF gold with me. Do not cry for me WCF. Nay, to the Happy-ites and Deranged Denziens in Ha-Ha Land, I tell you that everything will be okay. To the Slap-Happys on the corner of 69th and 88th....all is not lost. To Setheriah himself I say unto thee that there will be a HAPPILY EVER AFTER!"
(Happy hears a rumble in his stomach. He quickly runs off screen as the sound of a not-so-glorious anal trumpet blares. Several choir members are heard gagging and one hits the mat with a thud. Big Bad Brotherman Happy returns, adjusting his wig and attempting to regain his composure as he continues...)
"I see that several of my choir members have bowed their head. And, while some clearly have gotten a sudden outbreak of whooping cough, we shall still pray. Those at home, please bow your heads with me: Burrito-Father who art in heaven. Salsa'd be your name. Thank you for the time you've given me here to do your will. It seems as if so many of these WCF superstars are in need of deliverance. Allow me to lift up their tiny little bodies and not crush them too badly as I metriculate (that would be 'move' for those of you still not capable to follow along at home) them in a parabolic arc over the topmost rope and to the unforgiving...UNFORGIVING I SAY UNTO THEE!...floor below. Please allow me to be the second entrant in this event as I have dealt with a lot of number 2 since I've been here. Please forgive me for the passionate manner in which I execute your judgement upon Sarah 'In the Twilight of her Life' Twilight."
"Also my Burrito-Father, please do not look too harshly upon me for what I will do to the sado-masochistic (that would be...nevermind. If you don't know what that is..ignorance might be bliss for you!) temptress Lilith. Though she is smaller than the burritos I ate when I was in ninth grade, she has inflicted a rather large wound to my head. So now I must strike her in the heel. And then the thigh. And then the back. And then the neck. AND THEN THE HEAD, CRUSHING HER JAW, BREAKING HER NOSE, RIPPING OUT HER EYEBALLS AND SHOVING THEM SO FAR DOWN HER BODY THAT SHE CAN WATCH OUT OF HER BACKSIDE AS I BOOT HER SORRY BUTT OVER THE TOP FREAKIN ROPE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
(Pookietta gasps from the sudden outbreak and stumbles out of the ring, screaming like the little he-girl that he is.)
"Ahem...amen. The donations are coming in and I am proud to say that through your GENEROUS contributions, we've raised.....$5. R-really? Five bucks? SWEET! Well, it's time for me to deposit these generous funds you great people at home have donated to my maniacal ministry into the closest Taco Bell that I can find. Thank you SOOOO much for the help and for the Nielsen ratings. Please do not worry for the 40 wayward souls that will confess their shortcomings to me. And please don't concern yourselves with whatever it is that they have to say. For, you see, they are like Babble-On. They babble on and on and on and on like that annoying relative at a family reunion....you know the one I'm talking about. Just like Babble-On got their language confused and they scattered, so will the aforementioned participants. They will tell you that they will win. They will tell you that it is their DESTINY or it is their RIGHT, but all you have to do is look them in their eye and ask the obvious question. Say it with me everyone: YOU'RE JOKING, RIGHT? Sing us home my choir!!!!!"
(Crickets can be heard in the background. Jack looks around, but doesn't see any figures standing behind him. Looking down, he sees the one that passed out from earlier. Jack looks to the right and then to the left before nudging the lifeless body with his toe. Not seeing her move, the Happyshades then fall down and he casts his trademark scared flinch before screeching out in a falsetto voice (much like Pookietta's) and running off camera, hands flailing like that of a girl. Our scene mercifully fades out. AMEN!!!!!!)