Post by John Barber on Sept 26, 2013 21:54:09 GMT -5
The scene opens up at the WCF Studios in Reading, Pennsylvania. A man wearing a tuxedo has his back to the camera. He has little hair on his head and the hair he does have is dark. A couple of make-up people are tending to him and he eventually waves them away. He turns around, with a microphone in his hand. Anyone who has known this man long enough knows him to be Gravedigger’s former manager, Jayson Stasiak. However, he doesn’t look like himself. He appears to look like none other than…
Jayson Stasiak?
Wait, who am I supposed to be again?
Jayson looks off camera at someone. He gives a confused look at their response.
Jayson Stasiak
Mean who? Oh ok.
Jayson clears his throat as he looks back at the camera.
Jayson
Well everyone, Mean Dean here and we are just days away from what has to be one of the biggest WCF pay-per-views in HISTORY. It is none other than War XII and I have a special treat for you folks tonight as I have one of the major contenders for winning this storied match. None other than WCF rookie…HULK BARBER!
John Barber walks onto the screen although he doesn’t really look like himself. He’s wearing a bald cap just like Jayson and he wears a red and yellow bandana around his forehead that reads “Barbermania”. He's rocking the Fu Manchu. He has oversized muscles likely through some kind of muscle suit.He’s wearing a red cutoff shirt that says the same. He looks at the camera intently as “Mean Dean” continues.
Mean Dean
Hulk, we are just days away from what will so far be the biggest match of your short career here in WCF. Are you ready to go to War?
Hulk Barber
Let me tell you something Mean Dean, me and the rest of the Barbermaniacs have been gearing up and getting ready for this match for all our lives. We knew from the moment that the world began that it was all leading up to the challenge before us. We knew from the day that God made Hulk Barber and all the Barbermaniacs that it was our destiny to win War XII. It was only a matter of time until the day got here.
Some snarling can be heard from off-camera. Mean Dean jumps and turns.
Mean Dean
Wait, who do we have here?
Hulk Barber
Mean Dean, I want to introduce you and all the Barbermaniacs to my new manager. I want to show everyone back there in the lockerroom who is going to lead the Hulkster to victory at war. He’s The Ultimate Billy!
A large man with a long brown wig, oversized muscles, tassles everywhere and crazy face paint steps out from off-camera. Billy snarls and raises his hands to the sky and he gives Mean Dean an intense look. Billy grips Jayson’s arm and pulls the mic toward him and starts yelling.
Ultimate Billy (yelling)
Sunday night has already been written into the stones of those who came before us. Not in the kidney stones of the gods or even the tombstones of the first man and woman, but on the stones of Stonehenge. They were written by the Little Billys that came before me or you and they told of a time when Hulk Barber would descend from the heavens and invade the womb of a young woman who would have him and raise him as the greatest man in the universe. Not a universe unlike ours, but instead exactly like ours where we stand today and it was known then as it is known now that he would prevail at War.
Billy beats his chest and yells out. Mean Dean leans the mic back over to himself.
Mean Dean
Well, that was interesting. So, Hulk, what about you? What do you think are your chances of walking into your first War and winning it all?
Hulk Barber
Well let me tell you something Mean Dean. With the power of the Barbermaniacs on my side, there’s nothing that we can’t do when we put our mind to it, brother! We’ve been eating our granola bars, drinking our juice boxes and saying our ABCs. We’ve been running wild all over this country each and every week winning match after match and as long as we have positive thinking in our corner, there’s nobody out there that will beat us at War!
Mean Dean
Well tell me who you think your biggest adversary will be in the War match?
Hulk Barber
Mean Dean, it’s as simple as this, myself and all the Barbermaniacs are going to be the biggest adversaries in that match. The whole WCF versus Hulk Barber and the Barbermaniacs, but let me tell you which man or woman in that ring might give me and the rest of the Barbermaniacs the most trouble and that’s Jonny Fly. No, no, Jonny Fly, don’t stand there and think that this means that I fear you or that I may not beat you. I may not even see you in that ring, but if we do see each other in that ring, you best be thinking of one thing, brother. You best be thinking about the quickest way out of that ring. It ain’t over the top rope. This isn’t the Royal Rumble, no this is War. It ain’t under the ropes or even between the ropes, no the only way out of that ring is right here in the middle of the biggest pythons this company has ever seen. If you end up in the ring with Hulk Barber, you gotta ask yourself one question Jonny Fly…whatcha gonna do when Barbermania runs wild on you?
Billy grabs Jayson’s wrist and leans the mic towards himself again.
Ultimate Billy (yelling…again)
Jonny Fly. The man who has the name fly in his name as if he was a fly on the wall of the womb from whence you were birthed in the deepest pits of hell. A hell that is nothing more than your own realization that the time has come for you to realize that you are outmatched by Hulk Barber. You and your pantheon of gods can do nothing to stop the Hulkster and all his Barbermaniacs except pray to your gods for a safe and quick deliverance from the hell that is war which is also hell itself…in War form! A form that is unfathomable enough to be like that of a fly which brings us full circle, the full circle of hell.
Both Hulk Barber and Mean Dean give a confused look at Billy who breathes in and out overdramatically like The Ultimate Warrior. Mean Dean takes the mic back and turns to Hulk Barber.
Mean Dean
Well tell me Hulkster, how about I just start tossing some names out there and you tell me your thoughts on some of your fellow War opponents?
Hulk Barber
Look brother, you can name everyone on the roster including myself and I’ll beat all of them.
Mean Dean
Yes, well, what do you think about last year’s runner-up at War XI? The former EPPW owner himself, Eric Price?
Hulk Barber
Let me tell ya something, brother, about Eric Price. Eric Price has been wronged. He’s been blindsided by love and scorned by a woman…no a she-beast named Sarah Twilight. Eric Price, brother, we’ve all been there and you’re gonna heal, brother, but not by winning War. No, no, and don’t think all the wrong you did here in EPPW is going to be suddenly forgotten by getting blindsided by Bravado. You still gotta pay the piper on all your dirty deeds and Hulk Barber is walking into that ring Sunday night to collect all the checks you’ve been trying to cash month after month. You did great in last year’s War match, I’ll tell you that brother, but the Barbermaniacs and the Hulkster himself, Hulk Barber, have been preparing all our lives to win this one match. This isn’t personal, it’s destiny.
Before Mean Dean can even react, Ultimate Billy snatches the mic once more.
Ultimate Billy (still yelling)
Eric Price, the Price is Right now. Now is the time when the rent is due and the foreclosure of your life is upon you. How you handle this match will determine if the gods smile upon you. All the Little Billys and the Barbermaniacs have formed together to make the ultimate being in the universe and no amount of money that you stack one bill upon another will equal the force that is Barbermania!
Mean Dean
Wow, well that was interesting. Moving on…what about the monster and world champion Nathan Von Leibert?
Ultimate Billy snatches the mic again.
Ultimate Billy (do we need this part in the promo to know what he’s doing by now?)
Nathan Von Leibert, you have stood in the way too long for the greatness of WCF and traversed a path that is not for the wise or for the weak, but is a path of hatred and evil. Barbermania is going to cleanse you of this evil through acceptance or through your own destruction. The destruction of all those who came before you and all those who will follow after you.
Billy lowers his head while still looking at the camera and snarls loudly. Mean Dean leans the mic over to Hulk Barber.
Hulk Barber
Ultimate Billy, you’re right brother, NvL has been on the path of darkness for too long and it’s about time someone put him back on the path to truth and the American Way. The Ultimate Billys and the Barbermaniacs have joined forces to combat the evil of WCF. Your evil ways will no longer be allowed to stand. Hulk Barber is coming for you and your world title. The end is near for your evil reign here in WCF just like the end is near for Edward Snowden and traitors like him! You gotta ask yourself one question, Nathan. Am I powerful enough to stop Barbermania? I’ll tell you the answer to that and it’s NO. You’re NOT powerful enough to stop Barbermania. Barbermania is an immovable object and an unstoppable force all wrapped up into one. If you’re even still in the ring when I walk down there, don’t be surprised when your world crashes down on you when I drop a diving headbutt and rip your arm out of its socket, brother.
Mean Dean
Speaking of evil, you can’t say evil without NvL or Oblivion. What are your thoughts on the most evil and brutal man this company has ever seen?
Hulk Barber
Let me tell you something, man. I’ve looked into the eyes of Oblivion before and just when I started to see my own soul slip away, it was the Barbermaniancs who reached down into the abyss and pulled me back up and it’s with the Barbermaniacs that we will save Oblivion. I’ve seen the evil in him and I’ve seen the good in him and it’s time for the whole world to witness it. Oblivion, you don’t have to fight anymore brother. Just eat your yogurt, drink your apple juice and say your multiplication tables and Barbermania will save you!
Everyone stops and looks over at Ultimate Billy, expecting him to yank the mic away again.
Mean Dean
You have nothing to say to Oblivion?
Ultimate Billy shakes his head…and then snarls loudly.
Mean Dean
Let’s move on to Steve Orbit, Hulk.
Hulk Barber
Well it’s like this, Mean Dean. Steve Orbit is a good dude, brother. If there’s any man in WCF besides me that’s a dependable, great guy that the fans love, it’s Steve Orbit. He’s just your every day from the streets kinda guy. He’s a former world champion, but former is the key word. Former as in past, not future like me. I’m a future world champion. Like we’ve been saying this entire time, it’s destiny.
Billy snatches the mic from out of nowhere, holds it up and looks into the camera, pointing.
Ultimate Billy (surprisingly calm and slightly whispering)
Steve Orbit, the planets have aligned within the Milky Way to transport Barbermania into the stratosphere of the WCF for the opportunity of a lifetime and you forgot to wear your space suit, sucking out the oxygen from every hole in your body, depriving you of the life force that is Barbermania. Fear not, for Hulk Barber will ensure that you don’t perish and instead have life eternally to watch him as the new World Champion here in WCF.
Mean Dean snatches the mic back and has a short staring contest with Ultimate Billy for a few seconds before turning back to the camera.
Mean Dean
Well folks, that’s all we have time for tonight. We’ll see you next time!
The scene starts fading to black and you can still hear “Mean Dean” speaking.
Mean Dean
What the fuck was that?!
Finally the audio cuts out as well.
Jayson Stasiak?
Wait, who am I supposed to be again?
Jayson looks off camera at someone. He gives a confused look at their response.
Jayson Stasiak
Mean who? Oh ok.
Jayson clears his throat as he looks back at the camera.
Jayson
Well everyone, Mean Dean here and we are just days away from what has to be one of the biggest WCF pay-per-views in HISTORY. It is none other than War XII and I have a special treat for you folks tonight as I have one of the major contenders for winning this storied match. None other than WCF rookie…HULK BARBER!
John Barber walks onto the screen although he doesn’t really look like himself. He’s wearing a bald cap just like Jayson and he wears a red and yellow bandana around his forehead that reads “Barbermania”. He's rocking the Fu Manchu. He has oversized muscles likely through some kind of muscle suit.He’s wearing a red cutoff shirt that says the same. He looks at the camera intently as “Mean Dean” continues.
Mean Dean
Hulk, we are just days away from what will so far be the biggest match of your short career here in WCF. Are you ready to go to War?
Hulk Barber
Let me tell you something Mean Dean, me and the rest of the Barbermaniacs have been gearing up and getting ready for this match for all our lives. We knew from the moment that the world began that it was all leading up to the challenge before us. We knew from the day that God made Hulk Barber and all the Barbermaniacs that it was our destiny to win War XII. It was only a matter of time until the day got here.
Some snarling can be heard from off-camera. Mean Dean jumps and turns.
Mean Dean
Wait, who do we have here?
Hulk Barber
Mean Dean, I want to introduce you and all the Barbermaniacs to my new manager. I want to show everyone back there in the lockerroom who is going to lead the Hulkster to victory at war. He’s The Ultimate Billy!
A large man with a long brown wig, oversized muscles, tassles everywhere and crazy face paint steps out from off-camera. Billy snarls and raises his hands to the sky and he gives Mean Dean an intense look. Billy grips Jayson’s arm and pulls the mic toward him and starts yelling.
Ultimate Billy (yelling)
Sunday night has already been written into the stones of those who came before us. Not in the kidney stones of the gods or even the tombstones of the first man and woman, but on the stones of Stonehenge. They were written by the Little Billys that came before me or you and they told of a time when Hulk Barber would descend from the heavens and invade the womb of a young woman who would have him and raise him as the greatest man in the universe. Not a universe unlike ours, but instead exactly like ours where we stand today and it was known then as it is known now that he would prevail at War.
Billy beats his chest and yells out. Mean Dean leans the mic back over to himself.
Mean Dean
Well, that was interesting. So, Hulk, what about you? What do you think are your chances of walking into your first War and winning it all?
Hulk Barber
Well let me tell you something Mean Dean. With the power of the Barbermaniacs on my side, there’s nothing that we can’t do when we put our mind to it, brother! We’ve been eating our granola bars, drinking our juice boxes and saying our ABCs. We’ve been running wild all over this country each and every week winning match after match and as long as we have positive thinking in our corner, there’s nobody out there that will beat us at War!
Mean Dean
Well tell me who you think your biggest adversary will be in the War match?
Hulk Barber
Mean Dean, it’s as simple as this, myself and all the Barbermaniacs are going to be the biggest adversaries in that match. The whole WCF versus Hulk Barber and the Barbermaniacs, but let me tell you which man or woman in that ring might give me and the rest of the Barbermaniacs the most trouble and that’s Jonny Fly. No, no, Jonny Fly, don’t stand there and think that this means that I fear you or that I may not beat you. I may not even see you in that ring, but if we do see each other in that ring, you best be thinking of one thing, brother. You best be thinking about the quickest way out of that ring. It ain’t over the top rope. This isn’t the Royal Rumble, no this is War. It ain’t under the ropes or even between the ropes, no the only way out of that ring is right here in the middle of the biggest pythons this company has ever seen. If you end up in the ring with Hulk Barber, you gotta ask yourself one question Jonny Fly…whatcha gonna do when Barbermania runs wild on you?
Billy grabs Jayson’s wrist and leans the mic towards himself again.
Ultimate Billy (yelling…again)
Jonny Fly. The man who has the name fly in his name as if he was a fly on the wall of the womb from whence you were birthed in the deepest pits of hell. A hell that is nothing more than your own realization that the time has come for you to realize that you are outmatched by Hulk Barber. You and your pantheon of gods can do nothing to stop the Hulkster and all his Barbermaniacs except pray to your gods for a safe and quick deliverance from the hell that is war which is also hell itself…in War form! A form that is unfathomable enough to be like that of a fly which brings us full circle, the full circle of hell.
Both Hulk Barber and Mean Dean give a confused look at Billy who breathes in and out overdramatically like The Ultimate Warrior. Mean Dean takes the mic back and turns to Hulk Barber.
Mean Dean
Well tell me Hulkster, how about I just start tossing some names out there and you tell me your thoughts on some of your fellow War opponents?
Hulk Barber
Look brother, you can name everyone on the roster including myself and I’ll beat all of them.
Mean Dean
Yes, well, what do you think about last year’s runner-up at War XI? The former EPPW owner himself, Eric Price?
Hulk Barber
Let me tell ya something, brother, about Eric Price. Eric Price has been wronged. He’s been blindsided by love and scorned by a woman…no a she-beast named Sarah Twilight. Eric Price, brother, we’ve all been there and you’re gonna heal, brother, but not by winning War. No, no, and don’t think all the wrong you did here in EPPW is going to be suddenly forgotten by getting blindsided by Bravado. You still gotta pay the piper on all your dirty deeds and Hulk Barber is walking into that ring Sunday night to collect all the checks you’ve been trying to cash month after month. You did great in last year’s War match, I’ll tell you that brother, but the Barbermaniacs and the Hulkster himself, Hulk Barber, have been preparing all our lives to win this one match. This isn’t personal, it’s destiny.
Before Mean Dean can even react, Ultimate Billy snatches the mic once more.
Ultimate Billy (still yelling)
Eric Price, the Price is Right now. Now is the time when the rent is due and the foreclosure of your life is upon you. How you handle this match will determine if the gods smile upon you. All the Little Billys and the Barbermaniacs have formed together to make the ultimate being in the universe and no amount of money that you stack one bill upon another will equal the force that is Barbermania!
Mean Dean
Wow, well that was interesting. Moving on…what about the monster and world champion Nathan Von Leibert?
Ultimate Billy snatches the mic again.
Ultimate Billy (do we need this part in the promo to know what he’s doing by now?)
Nathan Von Leibert, you have stood in the way too long for the greatness of WCF and traversed a path that is not for the wise or for the weak, but is a path of hatred and evil. Barbermania is going to cleanse you of this evil through acceptance or through your own destruction. The destruction of all those who came before you and all those who will follow after you.
Billy lowers his head while still looking at the camera and snarls loudly. Mean Dean leans the mic over to Hulk Barber.
Hulk Barber
Ultimate Billy, you’re right brother, NvL has been on the path of darkness for too long and it’s about time someone put him back on the path to truth and the American Way. The Ultimate Billys and the Barbermaniacs have joined forces to combat the evil of WCF. Your evil ways will no longer be allowed to stand. Hulk Barber is coming for you and your world title. The end is near for your evil reign here in WCF just like the end is near for Edward Snowden and traitors like him! You gotta ask yourself one question, Nathan. Am I powerful enough to stop Barbermania? I’ll tell you the answer to that and it’s NO. You’re NOT powerful enough to stop Barbermania. Barbermania is an immovable object and an unstoppable force all wrapped up into one. If you’re even still in the ring when I walk down there, don’t be surprised when your world crashes down on you when I drop a diving headbutt and rip your arm out of its socket, brother.
Mean Dean
Speaking of evil, you can’t say evil without NvL or Oblivion. What are your thoughts on the most evil and brutal man this company has ever seen?
Hulk Barber
Let me tell you something, man. I’ve looked into the eyes of Oblivion before and just when I started to see my own soul slip away, it was the Barbermaniancs who reached down into the abyss and pulled me back up and it’s with the Barbermaniacs that we will save Oblivion. I’ve seen the evil in him and I’ve seen the good in him and it’s time for the whole world to witness it. Oblivion, you don’t have to fight anymore brother. Just eat your yogurt, drink your apple juice and say your multiplication tables and Barbermania will save you!
Everyone stops and looks over at Ultimate Billy, expecting him to yank the mic away again.
Mean Dean
You have nothing to say to Oblivion?
Ultimate Billy shakes his head…and then snarls loudly.
Mean Dean
Let’s move on to Steve Orbit, Hulk.
Hulk Barber
Well it’s like this, Mean Dean. Steve Orbit is a good dude, brother. If there’s any man in WCF besides me that’s a dependable, great guy that the fans love, it’s Steve Orbit. He’s just your every day from the streets kinda guy. He’s a former world champion, but former is the key word. Former as in past, not future like me. I’m a future world champion. Like we’ve been saying this entire time, it’s destiny.
Billy snatches the mic from out of nowhere, holds it up and looks into the camera, pointing.
Ultimate Billy (surprisingly calm and slightly whispering)
Steve Orbit, the planets have aligned within the Milky Way to transport Barbermania into the stratosphere of the WCF for the opportunity of a lifetime and you forgot to wear your space suit, sucking out the oxygen from every hole in your body, depriving you of the life force that is Barbermania. Fear not, for Hulk Barber will ensure that you don’t perish and instead have life eternally to watch him as the new World Champion here in WCF.
Mean Dean snatches the mic back and has a short staring contest with Ultimate Billy for a few seconds before turning back to the camera.
Mean Dean
Well folks, that’s all we have time for tonight. We’ll see you next time!
The scene starts fading to black and you can still hear “Mean Dean” speaking.
Mean Dean
What the fuck was that?!
Finally the audio cuts out as well.