Posted to WCF.com

[Deleted]

After the 9/2 Slam


Monday night, I furthered legitimized my standing as the Wrestling Championship Federation’s “Stable Killer” by defeating representatives of the company’s two most significant factions. The Pantheon’s Johnny Reb and The Church of the Dark Saints’ Famine of the Vile were worthy opponents. It was just their bad luck to have to face me.

They have not been alone in this predicament. I have not lost a match in nearly three months. I’m not sure anyone else in this company can make that claim. No matter what Steve Orbit would have you believe, I am most assuredly the longest current reigning WCF champion. And successfully defending the Internet Title for eight weeks has made me that belt’s all time longest holder as well. The Slane Train is charging full throttle down the tracks. Its destination: Immortality.

I accomplish this despite carrying significant baggage. I am the Virtual Ambassador of the WCF. My immediate supervisor, Vice President of Digital Media Content Lisl Anne, actively attempts to sabotage me. Every single member of the roster that is part of a group, which is the majority, has affixed on me a bull’s-eye, no doubt thinking it might be good strategy to take out the “Stable Killer” before he comes for them. There are even hushed rumors of a “bounty” being placed on me. I am almost as hated as Eric Price, and he murders prostitutes. "Allegedly".

So yes, the load I shoulder is great. But still I persevere. I will continue to be your Internet Champion. I will implement my Seven Point Plan to restructure WCF.com. I will remain the bane of every faction in this federation.

And, in four weeks, I will win WAR.


“The Stable Killer” Scoutmaster Stuart Slane
September 3, 2012

[Deleted]

After the 9/9 Slam


My dominance over that troupe of feckless cellar dwellers known collectively as The Misfits continued last night, for once again I defeated two of their members. As a group they are a collective 0-5 against me. Can what we have even be called a rivalry this point? The answer: no, it cannot; no more than the nail can claim to be a rival of the hammer. Week after week I have pounded The Misfits into the proverbial hardwood, and still they don’t have the sense to shut up about me. Their actions exemplify the definition of crazy, which I suppose should come as no surprise. But more on that in a moment: first, I must discuss the matter of Steven Orbit.

As most of the WCF Universe is already aware, I attacked my tag team partner after our match with Mister Kain and Miss Pain. I put Steven Orbit in the most devastating submission hold in professional wrestling: the dreaded “Knotted Up”. As expected, the current US Champ was unable to escape the move. He could only suffer, and wait, and pray I would not snap his spine like fresh celery.

You all witnessed what I did. What you are not aware of is why. I did it to punish Mister Orbit for his comportment towards Ophelia Pain, which was animalistic in its wantonness. To be blunt, I feared he intended to violate the young woman’s honor in that very ring! If you could see, as I did, the feral lust in his eyes, or hear the obscene, lascivious smacking of his lips, you would not question my actions. Slaneiacs, Steven Orbit wanted to do more than defeat Miss Pain. He wanted to molest her.

As a scout, as a father of a teenage daughter, I could not stand idly by and allow that to happen. I would not let him “Eric Price” that poor girl, her affiliations be damned. It is a man’s responsibility to defend a woman’s virtue, and since the only other male present was the increasingly ineffectual Tommy Kain, the task fell upon me to teach that low rent hustler a lesson he would not soon forget. Miss Pain, you are welcome. Not only for my intervention last night, but for the offer I am now choosing to make.

Ophelia Pain, you are currently the Number One Contender for my Internet Title. We are scheduled to compete at the special cross promotional pay per view “Shoot To Thrill,” where WCF superstars will wrestle in the GEW Arena under GEW rules. Hardcore rules.

I find this “booking” abhorrent. To fight a woman under normal circumstances gives me pause, but doing so in a match where near anything goes? That’s barbaric. So, instead, I make this proposal. We postpone the title match until after War. This will allow us to compete under the WCF guidelines, and avoid the hardcore stipulation entirely. It is a win-win situation for everyone involved. It gives both of us more time to prepare for our contest and for War itself. There will be no need to make the trip to New Orleans (in the summer no less; whose brilliant idea was that?) or risk grievous bodily injury competing it what amounts to a human cock fight in front of the bloodthirsty knuckle draggers that make up the GEW fanbase.

Miss Pain, the ball is now in your court. I advise you to make the correct decision on this, and accept my offer. Otherwise, you will just be further demonstrating what it means to be crazy: doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome.


“The Stable Killer” Scoutmaster Stuart Slane
September 10, 2012

[Deleted]

@ericprice

Guess you'll have to "Eric Price" her in order to retain your title Mr. Slane. Or you could do the right thing, lay down and let her get on top of you; I'm sure a primal part of you would love that. #ScoutmasterIsLonely

[Deleted]

Sept 10, 2012 17:19:56 GMT -5 Eric Price said:

@ericprice

Guess you'll have to "Eric Price" her in order to retain your title Mr. Slane. Or you could do the right thing, lay down and let her get on top of you; I'm sure a primal part of you would love that. #ScoutmasterIsLonely

@thescoutmaster

@ericprice knows less about "the right thing" than any wrestler ever. I will defeat Miss Pain with dignity no matter the venue #ScoutsHonor

[Ophelia Pain]

@"The Scoutmaster" Stuart Slane

While I appreciate your intervention on my behalf this past Slam, I'm going to have to decline your offer and I'm sure you can understand my reasons if you would just give me a moment to explain myself.

I'm a respectable woman...but everyone around here is so quick to judge one by a first impression or their appearance or by the people they associate themselves with. This is the case with me. I have something to prove around here and, sadly, it has come to a point where I will do almost anything to prove myself...

I'm sure many around here will interpret that as 'sleeping my way to the top', but thats not what I mean at all. I'm sorry, Scoutmaster, but this means I will have to show everyone around here that Ophelia Pain and Miss Murder are not women to be taken lightly. We love this sport and when over juiced douchenozzles get too sure of themselves around here, I get steam rolled...I'm ready to be the one doing the rolling...regardless of the person standing in my way...whether it's you, Eric Price, Seth Lerch, or even Tommy Kain...

I certainly hope that you can respect this as a valid reason for my wanting to go through with this match...

I appreciate what you did for me at Slam and I'm willing to go into this match with a handshake, a smile, and give these "knuckledraggers" a hell of a show...but I cannot and will not put this match off to a later date...

That being said...I beg you, Mr. Slane...come at me with everything you've got at Shoot to Thrill...I've had bumps, bruises, abrasions, and compound fractures a lot worse than anything you can give me...but you've got something those men don't have...morals...so trust me when I say I'm a tough chick...and for what it's worth I will not respect you any less than doing what I've asked you to do...

I'm not afraid of you or any of these other men around here...and I intend to prove that by becoming WCF's Internet Champion the only way I know how...

[Deleted]

@ericprice

That's very honorable of you Pheely. You are privileged in more ways than you know because you will be Mr. Slane's first; you know, he's never actually been with a woman, a real woman although that may be out of his own personal preference. You should take lessons on how to treat a woman properly from Steve Orbit and yours truly Mr. Eric Price. #EricPriceKnowsWhatWomenWant

[Deleted]

@thescoutmaster

@vixenofviolence I advise you to give my offer more thought. You may still be in shock from the events at Slam


@thescoutmaster

@ericprice I would ask you to produce evidence of your romantic exploits, but we all know you prefer to leave no witnesses

[Deleted]

@thescoutmaster

Rumors abound of secret "stable only" sections of WCF.com. Why is this allowed? What are these groups trying to hide?

@thescoutmaster

These cliques should not congregate and scheme without some form of check on their power in place. I propose myself.

@thescoutmaster

As Virtual Ambassador and Stable Killer of the WCF I should be given access to these boards. #Thebestdisenfectantissunlight

[Steve Orbit]

In response to Stuart Slane's blog:

I ain't usually the type to keep up with the website, especially the rants and raves of a super square like Stuart Slane, but a fan hollered at me on twitter to tell me about this shit and I can't hold back. Scoutmaster, what you saw at our tag match was the strategy side of the Mack. I played TK and I played Ophelia and apparently I played yo dumb ass too. But keep in mind, my plan worked-- I distracted Tommy Kain and gave you the chance to get him from behind and win the fuckin match. Instead of a moral lecture you should be thanking me for winning the match for you. Instead of attacking me you shoulda been thanking me.

You made a bad decision mother fucker. You attacked me when I was down, when I was vulnerable. Don't think it's gonna be that easy next time. It ain't over between us, we at odds til we even, and you WILL regret your decision to attack me. I know you don't like me but you never shoulda crossed that fuckin line.

Sincerely

Steve Orbit

[Jonny Fly]

@thejonnyfly

@thescoutmaster No. #theend

[Deleted]

@thescoutmaster

@mackinso there is incontrovertible proof your lust at Slam was no act. I would go in more detail but ladies may be reading #checkthetape



@thejonnyfly That is a mistake. The cover up always hurts more than the scandal. #WhatisthePantheonhiding?

[Jonny Fly]

@thejonnyfly

@thescoutmaster Hookers. #allmine

[Deleted]

@ericprice

It seems to me that you're just jealous of The Mack's abilities with women Mr. Slane. Whereas they never seem to pay attention to you, they come to him in droves as they do with me. As champion of the Internet, I would think you of all people would be familiar with females and the female body, after all, is not about 95% of the internet comprised of this? #InternetIsAllPorn

[Deleted]

@thescoutmaster

@ericprice #InternetIsAllPorn Not when I'm done with it.

[Steve Orbit]

mackinSO:

Its a shame u crossed me @thescoutmaster I had the perfect bitch for u

She showed up to 'uniform thursday' at the club in full scout gear #youmissedout

[Deleted]

@thescoutmaster

@mackinso You can keep your hussies. I am a happily married man

[Deleted]

@ericprice

This doesn't explain why you were looking for a companion, an escort if you will rather recently who was not your wife. Many questions remain unanswered and I for one would like to see honesty and goodness triumph. After all, I am a virtuous man and definitely know that I should always do the right thing. #ScoutmasterDoesNotLeadByExample

[Deleted]

After “Shoot to Thrill”


Fourteen.* That is the number of conspirators it finally took to wrest the Internet Title from me.

These shadowy highbinders staged a coup to remove me as Virtual Ambassador of the Wrestling Championship Federation. As the company’s moral guardian I was too diligent, too outspoken. So a plan was hatched: stage an event outside the normal purview, someplace where the Rule of Law was capriciously enforced, and order me to defend my title there. Then, after I showed up, employ “hired guns” to attack me under the pretense of revenge. Given the circumstances, it was almost the perfect crime.

The Office of the Vice President of Digital Media Content could maintain plausible deniability of the “hit” since it took place at a non-WCF event.

The Pantheon, the United States Champion, and the Television Champion all walked away with their hands unsullied.

Even the Misfits, patsies that they are, would escape with just a slap on their collective wrist, as the group could claim their ambush was, if I may use some insider lingo, a “receipt” for an earlier incident instead of the stone cold contract killing it truly was.

The conspiracy ran as smoothly as a Swiss watch, with one snag: I survived.

Yes, I am injured and need to rehabilitate. But wounds heal in time. I will come back to the Wrestling Championship Federation stronger than I left it. For my followers, the Slaneiacs, it is a moment to look forward to. For my enemies, I will only tell them this of my return.

You are not prepared.

“The Stable Killer” Scoutmaster Stuart Slane
September 24, 2012




*Or perhaps thirteen. I am unaware whether Jeff Purse was actively involved in the plot.

[Deleted]

Slaneiacs, I am sorry.

Sorry for failing to anticipate the depths the WCF roster would sink to in order to remove a plain speaking, truth seeking, independent minded wrestler as a threat. When the Gang of Fourteen targeted me at “Shoot To Thrill,” they did so out of desperation and fear. I was simply not prepared for the Rube Goldbergesque level of complexity that diagramed their machinations, and now we are all paying the price for it: Johnny Stylez is again Internet Champion.

The company’s most essential title is no longer worn by a man who elevated its online discourse. WCF.com has returned to the status quo, where potty talk, poor grammar, and inane putdowns have commingled to form a slurry of philistinism. Wrestling’s equivalent of Sanders Theatre has been torn down and replaced by a schoolyard playground.

A weaker man would be driven to despair over this. But I am the type that would rather light a candle than curse the darkness that surrounds me, for with such illumination brings needed insight. In the aftermath of the brutal bushwacking that left me sidelined, I have learned there is one person in the Wrestling Championship Federation who is willing to seek justice. I am speaking, of course, of its owner, Mister Seth Lerch.

It was Mister Lerch who showed considerable remorse over the situation. He not only had a large, nutrient-packed fruit basket sent to my bedside during my convalescence, but also attempted to acquire a measure of retribution against those chiefly responsible for my condition. This was done through the magnanimous gesture of issuing a bounty against Johnny Stylez and Polar Phantasm. The terms: eliminate either one of those two finks at War and be granted the chance to fight for the title I made relevant. How appropriate a reward! How generous a prospect!

Sadly, in what should come as a surprise to no one, the assembled wrestlers of the WCF failed to fully capitalize on the opportunity afforded to them by this noble figure. But Mister Lerch cannot be blamed for the incompetence of others – which in this case are primarily Synn and Nathan von Liebert. Sometimes it has to be just the thought that counts.

Mister Lerch, if I may speak to you directly: from the bottom of my heart, thank you. Your kindness during these troubling times will not be forgotten. Indeed, the munificence you have shown me has buoyed my spirits and reinforced my resolve. Because of you my predicted recovery time has been greatly truncated, and I will soon be ship shape and ready to compete far earlier than doctors expected. So it is not just me, but the many fans that follow my career, who owe you a considerable debt.

Take a bow, Seth Lerch. You deserve to.




Still “The Stable Killer” Scoutmaster Stuart Slane
October 12, 2012

[Deleted]

This last week I have received literally hundreds of communications from fans asking me to comment on the release of the Boy Scouts of America’s Ineligible Volunteer Files, more commonly known as the “perversion files.” For those of you who are unaware, these documents contain thousands of pages of sexual abuse allegations collected by the BSA from the 1960s through the 1980s. The data were gathered and held in secret by the organization, only being recently made public because of an ongoing lawsuit.

It would be easy to revel at the Scouts’ misfortune. After all, they unjustly removed me as Scoutmaster when I was accused of “abusing the power of my post”; charges that were spurious and wholly without merit. I was cast aside by the group I had given my life to. Apparently they would much rather spend their time and resources sheltering the chickenhawks in their ranks than supporting a man whose only crime was caring too much about his duty.

But gloating is for smaller minds. Especially when the recent scandal once again proves how much I am needed. Slane’s Scouts was created to be an alternative to that corrupt, bloated institution. It is time I refocus my efforts to it. For too long, the youth of America have been denied the chance to see how a real man comports himself. That is why, despite my nagging injuries, I shall return to active competition at the next WCF Pay Per View. I am issuing an open challenge to anyone on the roster* to face me in that squared circle Sunday, October 28, at Heckoween. Despite the theme of the event there will be no tricks, and the only treat will be the winner’s share of the purse and the satisfaction of proving oneself to be the better man. Which will be me.



“The Stable Killer” Scoutmaster Stuart Slane
October 21, 2012



*Excluding current or former champions and WCF Hall of Famers. A recovering fighter must pace himself after all.