Slam 1/21/19 (Results Inside) Jan 22, 2019 18:20:40 GMT -5
Post by WCF Results Account on Jan 22, 2019 18:20:40 GMT -5
Live From The Pensacola Bay Center In Pensacola, Florida
Jeremiah Locke vs Robert Simmons
"Fuck Off, Get Free" by Thee Silver Mt Zion Memorial Orchestra blares over the arena sound system. The ever stoic Robert Simmons walks out to the roar of the crowd. He drops to his knees and pounds his fist against the entrance ramp to the rhythm of the song before looking up out at the audience. He jumps to his feet and makes his way down the ramp.
Kyle Steel: Coming down to the ring, weighing in at two hundred and eleven pounds, hailing from Tomah, Wisconsin: "THE STONE CROW" ROBERT SIMMONS!
Zac Davis: Here we have the first match since One, where we see the 'Stone Crow' against the 'Gentleman'
Freddy Whoa: Listen to the crowd show their appreciation for Simmons! It's great!
Robert lifts a fist into the air as he stops on the ring steps and looks out to the audience once again. He then slips between the top and middle rope, shaking his limbs to loosen them up as he moves over to his respective corner.
"If you love me, let me go!"
The lights black out in the arena, leaving only a single spotlight on the stage. The sounds of cages opening can be heard, followed by devilish laughter and a scream.
As the song finally begins, the spotlight turns to several strobes, varying in purple, green, red, and blue. When the beat drops, Jeremiah Locke bursts through the curtain, seemingly moshing to the music all the way down to the ring.
Kyle Steel: Making his way to the ring, weighing in at 195 pounds. From Salem, Massachusetts, he is Jeremiah Locke!
Zac Davis: Here comes Locke... Maybe he can kill two crows with one stone?
Freddy Whoa: What?
Zac Davis: It was the only bird-related metaphor I could think about...
Freddy Whoa: Just shut up.
Locke stops before the apron.
"Mortal kings are ruling castles"
He grabs the top rope with his left hand.
"Welcome to my world of fun"
He grabs the rope with his right hand.
"Liars settle into sockets"
He places his left foot on the apron.
"Flip the switch and watch them run"
He pulls the rest of his body up, finally completely on the apron.
As the beat comes back in, he vaults over the top rope, landing perfect with the music. As it dies down, he removes his coat and crouches in the corner, laying in wait.
Suddenly, the 'Fresh Prince of Bel-Air' theme starts playing.
Freddy Whoa: What the? Who's theme is this?
Zac Davis: Oh my! It's the Fresh Prince himself! It's WILL GODDAMN SMITH!!!
Freddy Whoa: He's here in his Men In Black suit!
Will Smith slides into the ring, reaches behind Locke's neck and presses a button. The Gentleman collapses onto the floor.
Will Smith: Just as I suspected... A canner.
Zac Davis: Hang on, that's an iRobot reference! Not Men in Black! And he walked out to the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air theme? What is he referencing?
Freddy Whoa: Hush. Just go with it.
Will then goes and presses the button behind Simmons' neck, who is also a robot and crumbles to the ground.
He then grabs a microphone.
Will Smith: Boom Shake Shake Shake the Room!
Zac Davis: Another cheeky reference!
Will Smith: Now you must be hella confused right now... You see... This fella called Dr. Arliss Loveless...
Freddy Whoa: Another movie reference.
Will Smith: He replaced these wrestlers with robots for no good reason. Don't worry though, the wrestlers will be back hopefully next week.
The crowd gives a confused cheer.
Will Smith: And before I go, just gonna say one more thing. Chris Hemsworth as a new Man in Black?
Zac Davis: Don't say it...
Will Smith: ...that's hot.
Freddy Whoa: OHMYGAWD THE YOUTUBE REWIND REFERENCE OH JESUS!!
Will then leaves with both robots in hand, leaving the crowd bewildered.
Zac Davis: What did we just witness?
Freddy Whoa: I don't know, but he managed to reference 3 movies, a TV show, a song and a meme in those few minutes! I have heaps more respect for him now!
Zac Davis: Wait a second. I'm getting word that the real Robert Simmons and Jeremiah Locke never made it to the arena, apparently both got snowed in from the storms that have hit the US.
Freddy Whoa: So what the hell was up with the robots?!
Zac Davis: The world may never know...
Slam goes to commercial.