RP: Nagasaki Remains In America
Handler: Nagasaki
Overview thoughts: Well intended promo that needs work
RP Breakdown
Scene description: 3
Character Development: 3
Shoot: 3
Flow: 1
Overall Rating: 2.5 out of 5
Critical Review:
I’m going to give you the critical misses first.
LINE SPACING
*Nagasaki is back home in Japan on holiday enjoying a bowl of rice at his favorite hangout. He was more than enjoying himself as he has missed home for so long. His eyes peer up from his 12th bowl of rice, to his pleasant suprise he has gathered a crowd . *
Nagasaki: ( insert text )
SKIP LINE
Person 1: ( insert text )
SKIP LINE
Please do not bunch your dialogue together, its terribly messy and can be unreadable.
Also, at the bottom you put the color code for each character. That’s a good idea but move it to the top of the promo as we scroll down to read. As for your comment of what you’re missing, it’s the PUNCH of the piece. You don’t need to be dropping ol’ Dirty style and slaying fools left and right ( but if you can, do that ) You just need to put yourself over as the guy that’s going to win. You have Nobunaga as your heel voice. Nobunaga can shoot for you on Nagasakis behalf and it’ll still count. Have him really dig into opponents and rip faces off. Having Nagasaki say:
“ I’m going to win by bringing sumo to the world” isn’t going to get the job done. Calling CVC a dirty dog.
[Someone like Chance Von Crank will not stand a chance against my client in the ring because he is a better fight, wrestler and all around human than that godless, not worth the shit under my boot, dog. Someone like Chance Von Crank is underserving of this match against my client.]
WHY WHY WHY. You go onto use demarcus Jordan.. BUT WHO THE HELL IS THAT?
And that’s fine if the guy your talkin about is a nobody or what have you but YOU gotta put yourself over as THE MAN.
I’m missing the part of the promo where I go “ Damn, Naga just killed this fool “
You have good everything but shoot and shoot can be the hardest to get. Its either right out of the gate your great with it or it’s a struggle. That’s ok to struggle with it. But you gotta improve that way you get a few wins under your belt and gain confidence.
You have promise. Dig deep.
Suggestions:
- promo structure ( the line spacing )
- work on the shoot