WCF Theatre Presents: Dating a WCF Wrestler
Apr 5, 2015 14:54:59 GMT -5
Chelsea Armstrong, Joey Flash, and 1 more like this
Post by Natural ICE Beckman on Apr 5, 2015 14:54:59 GMT -5
(The sound of honking yellow taxi’s echoes off the skyscrapers that line the street of Broadway in the world’s biggest and brightest city...no not Foam Lake...but close, I am talking about New York City! The busy city is alive as people shuffle down a crowded sidewalk, steam rises from the sewers and above all the tall building sits a layer of stars being wished upon by the million inhabitants of the city that never sleeps. However the hustle and bustle on the street is nothing compared to the semi-controlled chaos that is happening backstage in one of the Broadway theaters. Assistants are running this way down a narrow hall, as production crew runs the other way down the same hall, truly a chaos of humanity when the biggest human of all begins to walk against the current of busy backstage people...Natural ICE Beckman. As ICE avoids this crazed actor, or this set designer, or that wardrobe designer, he also seems to be asked a question from a different person from each different door he passes.)
John: Natural, why is TMZ reporting that you have been propositioning hookers all day long here in New York City?
ICE: Just looking for some cheap actresses.
(ICE continues down towards the next open door.)
PJ: ICE, I know I am supposed to be playing the part of Alex Richards tonight, but what the hell? That guy is fat.
ICE: So are you PJ, just look in the mirror. Also, it doesn’t matter, I just cut that scene.
PJ: So I am not going to be the new John Candy?
ICE: You aren’t going to be the new Kool-Aid, sorry but that is the ruthlessness of Broadway.
(You hear PJ scream like a little girl as ICE continues down the narrow hallway. ICE dodges a few more very busy people as he keeps going down the hall passing the last door on the left.)
DEE: ICE, the ending is all set and also show time in 15...14...
ICE: Too late to chug 6 beers?
DEE: Of course-
(ICE burps.)
DEE: How did you just drink 6 beers in just-
ICE: SHOW TIME!
(The house lights go dark which brings a tingle to the spines of the people in the seats in the name of anticipation. The last few whispers of conversation begin to die when the lights as the stage becomes lit with a single circular spotlight. It hovers a bit against a wall of red curtains before a hush comes over the people as the play begins with Natural ICE Beckman walk out onto stage. He gets a round of polite applause as he makes his way into the spotlight.)
ICE: Dating a WCF Wrestler, a poem by Natural ICE Beckman...
If the noblest thing a man can do is marry,
Then it must start out on a first date,
And while they may be tough and scary,
They are necessary in order to procreate.
Even wrestlers like a romantic night out,
It might be fun, or it might really suck.
But we all wrestle this dating game bout,
‘Cuz in the end we all want a good fuck.
Now we start with a scene bout my boss,
He’s a weasel, he’s a jerk; a boss true and true,
But while most things he is at a loss,
He thinks he can get between me and my girl blue.
ACT I: What it is like to date...Seth Lerch
(The spotlight goes off as the stage lights come on and reveal the set as the curtains fly open. The stage is decorated to look like a pizza and arcade designed for young children. You see happy cartoon anials painted on the walls, a big colorful ball pit in background and collection of brightly colored tables set up on center stage. Out on stage comes the first actor of the night...a skinny lad, holding a vodka bottle with a baby bottle nipple on top and a little sailor’s boy outfit. The actor playing Seth is looking around at the many kids running around and the other people as if he is seeking one of them out.)
Seth: Stupid Mom, making me get out of her basement...just because she has a date with the Mailman, that I am not sure he knows about...doesn’t mean I have to go on a date. At least we are somewhere cool, Super Fun Happy Land is the best! Hope this stupid girl doesn’t ruin it. What was her name again....Elizabeth?
(A women in the crowd of actors on stage steps forward.)
Elizabeth: Seth, is that you?
Seth: Oh great, you’re hot...I bet you don’t even play live action roleplay games.
(The audience laughs.)
Elizabeth: Well, I guess I could give them a try, you know for fun!
Seth: Live Action Roleplay games aren’t fun...They Are Everything! They are the ONLY thing!
Elizabeth: Are you drunk?
Seth: Drinking is the one thing that I like about being a grown-up....lucky for me I run a wrestling federation, and you don’t have to act like a grown-up there at all and you fit right in!
(The audience laughs as the actor playing Seth leads the actress playing his date over to a Super Fun Happy Land table.)
Elizabeth: So tell me more about this bossing around Superstar Wrestlers.
Seth: It’s great, I tell those steroids using jerks what to do and they do it!
Elizabeth: Really? They never get mad at you?
Seth: Sure they get mad, they whine, they moan, but in the end of the day, I am the boss and they do what I say!
Elizabeth: Aren’t you afraid they might hurt you?
Seth: When you are drunk you can walk from falling off a three story parking garage.
Elizabeth: How do you know that?
Seth: Cause it happened to me.
Elizabeth: You, sound tough. How did it happen?
Seth: It was nighttime and I couldn’t see very well through the eye-holes of my Powderpuff Girls one Halloween and tripped over the side of the parking garage. And that’s right, I was up Past my bedtime.
(The audience laughs at the pathetic pride in the voice of the actor playing Seth as ICE Beckman comes walking into stage. ICE is dressed in a suit made up of a variety of fro lucent colors like a mascot for the children’s restaurant. He does his best goofy walk over to the table with the first date.)
ICE as Super Fun Happy Guy: Welcome to Super Fun Happy Land, I am Super Fun Happy Guy, Want to try a Super Fun Happy Pizza or a Super Fun Happy Chicken Basket or a salad.
Elizabeth: Isn’t the salad Super Fun Happy?
ICE as Super Fun Happy Guy: Nope, it is just a salad...comes with your choice of dressing, Ranch or None.
Seth: I am a Super Fun Happy Land Superstar Member, so I am like Your Boss too.
ICE as Super Fun Happy Guy: God damn, I wish I hadn’t gotten fired from Pizza Hut.
Seth: I want you to do a Super Fun Happy Dance and make it in my honor!
ICE as Super Fun Happy Guy: Excuse me little bitch, I mean sir, wouldn’t you prefer I dance in honor of your lovely date?
Seth: Why do I need her, my mom will rub my feet and make me spaghettiOs when I get home anyhow? NOW DANCE, Before I get mad and through a spazzy tantrum!
ICE as Super Fun Happy Guy: This is Super Fun Happy Land, we are more use to tantrums then we are having to dig the rat poop out of our Super Fun Happy secret sauce.
(The audience again chuckles at the joke as the play goes on while ICE exits stage left. The promo however follows ICE off stage and back into the narrow hallway from before. ICE again has to duck and dodge around a busy backstage crew as he makes his way down the hall. As he gets farther from the stage you can hear laughter erupt a few times before John Beckman grabs ICE by his Super Fun Happy suit and yanks him into a random dressing room.)
John: What the fuck I am supposed to say to the media?
ICE: I told you, those hookers, or as they want to be called, since they think it somehow makes giving blowjobs for money more respectful...Call Girls, I told you I was just looking for actresses for tonight.
John: Not them, I am talking about how you called in that radio program and said women need to get tougher, learn how to take a punch.
ICE: I also said, they need to throw a punch back.
John: It was a women’s radio show to help abused women who are too emotionally damaged in re-enter society.
ICE: Hey, fuck that, Chelsea would be proud of me. She knows how to take a punch and trust me, I know from past experience, she knows how to throw one too.
John: You truly are ready to hurt your own girl for a wrestling victory, aren’t you?
ICE: The voices of those jobber fucks is gaining strength, like fucking peasants who get a whiff of freedom, they are beginning to dream, to hope and with that comes annoyances and then I fucking have to deal with these annoyances. If only Bobby could keep these annoyances down like I did when the fucking ICE AGE ruled the WCF, but now all these little fucks thinks they can talk and walk right along with the best...urgh, it fucking makes me sick. And that is why I have to fucking win at Explosion, no matter what!
John: Hmmm, maybe Seth does know his business.
ICE: Well fuck, I guess Seth is smarter than I give him credit for most of the time...(A roar of laughter can be heard even through the closed door)...Ha, the line about Seth naming his penis Micro Machine must have be said.
John: Well what am I supposed to say, I mean drugs and drinking are good for a career, just ask Robert Downy Jr. but hitting your woman, no matter if she still loves you afterwards is not cool...just ask Ray Rice...or Seifer Black.
ICE: I don’t even have time to go there, and fuck you for trying to even compare me to that skinny loser, I buried him just like I am going to bury Seth’s little plan for when I beat Chelsea and she realizes that I also have been the better wrestler.
John: Wait, what was that? You know the promo is here, right?
(ICE looks right at the camera, breaking the fourth wall, but only for a moment as Dee brings us back by quickly popping his ehad into the room.)
DEE: ICE! We need you on stage in 30 Seconds!
ICE: Saved by the Dee, time to go.
John: What am I going to tell all these media outlets.
ICE: Keep it simple, keep it safe...something like "Fuck You", or however you say it in lawyer speak.
(ICE darts out of the room.)
John: "Fuck you" is how you say "Fuck You" in lawyer speak.
(Meanwhile ICE Beckman is getting himself ready just off stage as he hears the scene with the actor playing Seth on his blind date.)
Seth: Fine! Leave! But do me a favor first!
Elizabeth: What? Get lost? Because you got it.
Seth: I was going to say call my mom, because I need a ride home.
Elizabeth: Get out of my way nerd; maybe I can still find Super Fun Happy Guy, he was cute and seemed fun.
Seth: Why does every girl I bring her leave with that guy, first it was my mom and now her.
(The stage lights go black the crowd laughs at the scene ending joke. ICE walks back onto the stage as he can here mummers through-out the audience...
ACT II: What it is like to date...Bobby Cairo
...ICE stops in the middle of the stage as once again the single spotlight beam finds him and he clears his throat before speaking to the crowd in front of him.)
ICE: A poem by Natural ICE Beckman...
He likes to be thought of as one who is thick,
His chin aims high helping hiss glare look down,
But from rumors I’ve heard tiny is his dick,
Hence the reason his smile is always a frown.
...Natural ICE bows his head as the stage goes black with the disappearing spotlight, however by the time ICE walks off stage the overhead lights have come on revealing the scene for the second act. The stage has a backdrop of a brick wall covered with graffiti, you can see a city skyline behind the wall and the sky above had been painted the color of midnight. Soon a tall actor, dressed up to look like Bobby Cairo, with a fuzzy blue robe and a thick black beard walks onto the stage with a very large black women dressed up in very little clothing walking behind him. Her spikey high heels make her fat body wobble as she finally grabs the actor playing Cairo by the shoulder in order to stop him center stage.)
Hooker Retia: That’s enough walking, my dogs are barking, now we gonna get nasty or what?
Bobby C: Nasty is da name of my house nut, don’t worry I will make surez you be drinking thick milkshake all night figgin’ night.
Hooker Retia: Oh no, all night costs double what you gave me.
Bobby C: I be so good at fucking tight shit bitch by the ends tis night, yo ho will be paying my black ass.
Hooker Retia: Excuse me, sorry boy, you might talk like us, but your bitch ass is whiter than the fucking president’s house.
(The audience laughs.)
Bobby C: Now trust a Motherfucker, I may be whites, but thanks to all this black hair of mine, my hairy fuckin’ ass is blacker than the credibilityz world mother shitting title reign.
(The audience laughs.)
Hooker Retia: Whatever, now we gonna fuck or am I gonna have to whistle for my pimp.
Bobby C: Trust me dick ass, I be worth the fuckin’ wait, but haven’t you ever heard of a little thang called Mother Fucking foreplay?
Hooker Retia: My big ass don’t have time for that shit!
Bobby C: I like to play up the scene before I lay down my paint and when I say paint I mean white paint from my-
Hooker Retia: Yeah, yeah, you’re talking about your mother fucking jizz...now we gonna fuck or what?
(The audience laughs.)
Bobby C: Trust me honeyz, I am think king of the fucking people...just as ICE Beckman, I bent his ZMAC bitch over, fucked it raw and took his title...all while that little dick just shriveled up and watched. And then when he tried me again I made my bitch Omega fuck him raw, give him a reach around until he rolled over like a fuckin’ whore...you gots me bitch?
Hooker Retia: Alright enough...PIMP DADDY ICE I NEED YA, RIGHT NOW!!
(And her scream into the night works like the bat signal for out of the shadows slips ICE Beckman into the scene. He is dressed in one of Steve Orbit’s pimpass purple suits, complete with of course, a fucking pimpass hat and cane.)
ICE the Pimp: What is wrong now Retia, you didn’t tell him about your crabs, did ya?
Hooker Retia: Naw, the problem be the mother fucker is talking off goofy instead of fucking me in my ass like he paid me for!
Bobby C: I be paying, but fuckers go be romanticazing too, I don’t get all thick with a snap of my fingers, I gots to be warmed up, sweet talked like a true gangster, given sugar to sweetness out my harsh bitterness. I be a godfather of Dee Dubba Dober bitches!
ICE the Pimp: Are you having a stroke or something?
Hooker Retia: I told this bitch be crazy high or something.
ICE the Pimp: Listen buddy, my bitches time is valuable for me and trust me, I was taught by the best pimp in the world, now you are going to fuck this bitch in that dumpster right fucking now...and if you need some tips about that I know another guy who’s in expert in that!
Hooker Retia: Time to make this bitch a Man! Come on Boy!
Bobby C: Alright I make this bitch cum like a waterfall, but just gotta say, size isn’t the only thing that matters....just remember that!
(The actress playing the large woman drags the actor playing Bobby C to the other side of the stage as ICE exits stage left. He is quick to begin taking off the pimp and toss the cane aside as the wardrobe assistant behind him tries to catch his clothing as he sheds it. When ICE is back to his normal shirt and jean combo he finds a joint in his pocket and is just about to light it when Dee stops him.)
DEE: He’s here.
ICE: Father?
DEE: He is waiting in your dressing room, I offered him something to drink and he told me not to every talk to him again.
ICE: Well at least he said it nicely.
DEE: That isn’t exactly how he put it, that was the G rated version...needless to say, he seems upset.
ICE: He just wants the best for me.
(ICE leaves DEE behind as he opens the door with the big shining star that reads “ICE Beckman” on it. ICE walks into the dimly lit room and sees his guest sitting on the couch. ICE gives him a glance, before heading over to the fridge in order to begin to make a drink. He doesn’t bother saying hello or asking if his guest wants one, he knows why Buddy Roman is here and it isn’t a social visit.)
Father Roman: Do you know the motto of the Vapor Kings, my son?
ICE: Know it...I fucking live it.
Father Roman: Then tell me what it is?
ICE: You know I know it!
Father Roman: I want you to say it, say the motto that I have raised you to follow. Say the motto that has given you the kingdom of the WCF. Say it out loud in order for us to both here it’s power.
ICE: Conquer the Hate.
Father Roman: And now tell me, what is this?
ICE: This is a half of bottle of vodka that I am about to make an empty bottle of vodka.
Father Roman: You know I am speaking about this fun little play of yours.
ICE: Fucking Broadway isn’t little, it’s the BIG stage!
Father Roman: I am no mood for your lip tonight, son. For if you think one squeak-by-win over a piss-pot jobber gives you the right to just go back to normal I need you to check your waist for you seem to be missing something.
ICE: That title will be mine as soon as Seth gives me my rightful chance at Cairo, one on fucking one, in a WCF ring, not some bullshit off the record show.
Father Roman: I fear I am hearing excuses coming from your mouth. When I should be hearing hate for those match, this Pantheon’s dying breath and a lost by you, in this moment, with this spotlight on you would be a life line for them. And all the work my client and my sons did would be lost and here you are making jokes.
ICE: You know that is my style Father, laugh at them on Tuesday and make them tap out on Sunday.
Father Roman: But can you really do it...and just don’t speak...Think first.
ICE: I will win...Chelsea can’t beat me.
Father Roman: I hear your words and they are correct, but they do not sound right. Please Son, sit and understand...Chelsea Armstrong is already winning your match with her...she is in control and you need to take it back, right now!
ICE: She has fucking what now? Did you say-
Father Roman: I said listen Son, for your fire is burning but it’s not roasting the right meat. Seth Lerch is a lost dragon whose breath may no longer breathe fire, his teeth are no longer sharper than a diamond cut and scales no longer replies a blade, but he is still a dragon. And while he may be playing his hand like a moron, he is still playing it and if he wants you to be your ace in the hole, than that is what you are going to do, for what he is asking is on our agenda too and that brings us to the real important detail, the key stone brick to this whole fucking thing we are building, you don’t need to beat Chelsea, you need to hurt her, you don’t need to dislike Chelsea, you need to HATE her. Now I see you are ready to talk, for my son, you do indeed have the gift of speech, but like I already told you once, this is a time to be listening. And as you listen I want you to picture two different scenes. The first is you walking out of Explosion, the fans cheering you as their drunken king, the announcers touting you as truly on the comeback trail and you with that trademark smile of yours reaching from ear to ear. And Chelsea looking back at you, her bones bruised, her ego in check and her thoughts not thinking about how much she wants another shot at ICE, rather just being happy that you are walking away and this nightmare which was always too extreme for her is over and she can go back to playing the role of your woman. I know you love her, I have seen those words exit your mouth and I have seen your eyes look at her in a way that only a father knows his son. But pinning her, defeating her, hating her is the only way to get all the cake you want and being able to eat it too. For that brings me to the second scene I want you to picture, one where you are lying on the mat and Chelsea’s arm is raised. One where she is looking down at you and the look in her eye isn’t lust for you, rather disgust. The awful fans of Pantheon enjoying their moment while the even worse fans of women in WCF cheering like Amelia Earhart finally landed her plane safely. But Chelsea isn’t the headline of this story, rather you are and for all the wrong reasons. Not only are you another loser in a big match, but you are right back in the thick of the rat race. You talked a big game about respecting the WCF TV Title to Grime the other day, but in this scene, this possible reality if you lose this match you will truly be in the running for nothing but those bottom feeding titles. The ICE AGE maybe no more, but if you let Chelsea win, if you let Pantheon once again grab a hold of something, than the ICE AGE is truly melted and the Kings would be limping. The stable of the year, the founders of the current WCF landscape, and all the work through blood and pain we put together lost in a simple three count.
ICE: But...
Father Roman: That isn’t going to happen, I will not let it happen, you will not let it happen. And that is where Love makes Hate. Your love for the name ICE in headlining lights, your love of being a Vapor King and your love for me, that is what is going to win out in the end. You are going to hate her, for what she can steal from you is your meal ticket. Any girl can flirt with you, any chick can blow you and in the end any bitch can fuck you...but in the end, when you go to sleep at night, you have to remember what really matters...the Kings, the ICE AGE and climbing that mountain back to the top. Hence rocks my fall down by you, footing may loosen as you climb and in the end the things that got you to the top may no longer be around, but fuck all them, all that, for when you are once again king of the world worrying about the peasants doesn’t matter. And that girl Chelsea, I promise you my son, will be right there on her needs ready to beg and so much more...but to get that moment, to earn that pleasure...you need to Hate Her from now until the final bell. Now tell me Son...do you hate Chelsea Armstrong?
ICE: For you Father...anything.
(ICE lets the empty bottle of vodka hit the ground as he stands and embraces his Father. The two do not even bother speaking another word as ICE walks from the dressing room like a solider walking towards a battle field. The moment he exits the room he is back into the chaotic hallways of the theater’s backstage area. Like a drone lost in thought he shuffles by the busy people until he meets up face to face with Dee.)
DEE: How did that go?
ICE: Father Roman knows best.
DEE: Did he say something mean to you?
ICE: He speaks only the truth.
DEE: Oh-kay, well it is time for the next act...the one about you.
ICE: Perfect.
(ICE walks away like a terminator on a kill mission.)
DEE: Darn, ICE is pissed, glad I am not Chelsea...I mean she looks good in skinny jeans, which I love, but ICE looks ready to truly hurt her; which sucks, cause I liked her...she was good for ICE.
(Once again ICE finds himself fighting through a sea of chaotic humanity through the narrow backstage hallway, but his mind isn’t there with him this time. He is not running the lines of his next poem through his head or wondering if that guy in the front row might be Seth in disguise rather he is thinking of Chelsea...her hair, her face, the curve of her cheek and the frown...the frown he wants on her face...can he do this...Seth can’t win. And then before ICE even knows it the spotlight is shining in his face and the Broadway crowd is ready to hear him open the next act...
ACT III: What it is like to date...Natural ICE Beckman.
...ICE clears his thought as a title wave of memory saves him just in time.)
ICE: A poem by Natural ICE Beckman...
Dating a winner seems like a good thought,
Until you bring him home to meet mother,
I mean he is cool, he is a funny and he is hot,
Then ICE becomes drunk and mom wants another.
(A small hint of laughter plays ICE off the stage through the sea of darkness. The stage lights come back on revealing the scene for act three. The stage set looks like a middle America family room from the 1980’s complete with ugly wallpaper, ugly furniture and a very big ugly television. Sitting in a lazy-boy chair is a middle aged women knitting so fast you might think he life depends on it. Soon an actor playing Natural ICE Beckman comes walking on stage wearing a high school letterman’s jacket. And on that actor’s arm hangs a fun loving 80’s chick with a pony tail on the side of her head and flashy neon colors hinted through-out her demine jacket.)
Mother: Where have you been, its after midnight- AND who is this?
Misty: Chill mom, this is like my new boyfriend, ICE man.
Mother: What sort of name is that?
“ICE”: I was named after a beer, which reminds me...got any coke?
Mother: What?!
“ICE”: Or weed or drain cleaner...you really don’t have coke? I mean it is the fucking 80s.
Misty: Yah Mom, how lame of you. Get cool or get fool.
Mother: Even I know that isn’t an 80’s reference!
(The audience laughs.)
Misty: Just be cool mom, this guy is like the best and I love him.
"ICE": And I like her...sort of. But enough about us, how about that bump of coke or as I call it, a Lite-Bright; get it popular 80’s toy, drug that gets you super lite...get it? No? Hmm, mind if I make a bong out of your dog’s chew toy? And if not, fo you have rolling papers? And also, I ate most of a turkey I found in the fridge...also Happy Thanksgiving eve.
(The audience laughs.)
Mother: That is it I am calling your father!
(Natural ICE lumbers down the fake stairs of the set with his new costume. He scratches his large fake belly and then reports his fake balding hair. By the time he makes it to the end of the steps he has to hike his pants back up before making sure to give the actor playing ICE one good look over.)
ICE as The Father: What is going on down here? I had just stoked my favorite pipe and put on my favorite sweater and other dad stuff...mainly wishing I have never married.
(The audience laughs.)
Mother: Look at who you daughter has brought home this time, his name is ICE man.
ICE as The Father: Cool, like Val Kilmer from Top Gun.
Mother: Listen to talks to her...to ME!
"ICE": Uhh...
ICE as The Father: Wow, what a monster.
Misty: See Mom, Dad likes him...which might make me like him a little less.
"ICE": You’re Mom still really hates me.
Misty: Good Point, okay, you’re still hot.
(The audience laughs.)
Mother: Look at the way she is looking at him! She loves him and he loves her; I mean they are one moment away from running away forever together!!
Misty: We sure are!
"ICE": We are...but what about my band, my art....my drinking problem...which is just now getting cool.
Mother: You see, he is an awful man!
ICE as The Father: Hmmm, seems pretty cool to me...frankly any girl that is with him is lucky. Now can I get back to my Dad Stuff?
Mother: You mean whacking it to the JC Penny’s catalogue Little Miss section?
ICE as The Father: Better than touching your cold side of the bed...ICE man, good to meet ya, do yourself a favor...run away from this family....RUN away, I mean I am sure you have already fucked my daughter, right?
"ICE": Well...
(The audience laughs.)
ICE as The Father: Run Boy, Run. I mean did Misty tell ya she has a baby?
Misty: DADDY!!!?!
"ICE": What the fuck?
Mother: Alright hubby you have helped enough, back upstairs with you.
ICE as The Father: That’s all I’ve wanted to do this whole time.
(ICE playing the father leaves the scene behind as he climbs the stairs that lead to the above stage area. As ICE goes from the bright lights to the backstage shadows he is immediately confronted by John Beckman.)
John: A scene with you and you’re not playing ICE Beckman, that was confusing.
ICE: And you do you think it is like to date me, an immature drug abusing wildcard?
John: Good point.
ICE: Now if you want to talk to me you will have to follow me to my locker room, I need a drink.
(The backstage halls are the usual madhouse of actors and production assistants and all the other worker bees of the theater. John trails ICE who is b-lining through the people as the dim lights above them cast odd shadows across everyone’s face, giving the walk a sense of unknowing and mystery.)
John: You need a plan.
ICE: I think I will start by showing up, usually things work themselves out after that, I just wait for the bell and before I know it I have my hand raised.
John: Not exactly been cut and dry in the ring for you lately.
ICE: You’re right I need a new plan, and a new agent.
John: I am just trying to get you to think past this week. You want something from Seth and he wants something from you...I think the ending writes itself.
ICE: You want me to destroy her, not just pin her, don’t you?
John: All I am saying is we need to talk about this match between you and Chelsea and how we are going to get the most out of it.
ICE: I am going to get the most out it by proving to the whole federation I am still insanely hard to beat in the ring and that is why I am next in line for the World Title.
John: You want the World Title? You want a chance to get back what you lost? Then I think you will want to talk to him.
ICE: God? Him and I are exactly on speaking terms.
John: Not God, well he might as will be to you; for the World Title you want starts with him.
ICE: You got Bobby Cairo to come here? To talk with me? Maybe you aren’t a completely fucking useless agent.
John: I am a grand agent, for I am smart enough to know Bobby doesn’t pull any strings in the WCF expect the ones attached to Kaz Mazy, if you want something you have to go right to the top.
ICE: You don’t mean.
John: He is waiting in your dressing room.
ICE: He better not have touched my shit.
(ICE storms into his dressing room with a head of stem, with John quickly behind him, ICE doesn’t have to go far before he finds the man he is looking for, helping himself to a drink from the mini bar. After he finishes pouring the drink he turns towards ICE and reveals to the world that the WCF boss himself has come to Broadway.)
Seth Lerch: Hope you don’t mind, I helped myself to a drink.
ICE: First my title, now my booze, fuck Seth, you don’t seem to know how to make me like you at all.
Seth Lerch: I saved you from that coffin.
ICE: You put me in that coffin! But hey did you happen to see Act One?
Seth Lerch: No, what? why? Was there a men joke or two about me?
ICE: Something like that.
Seth Lerch: What does that mean?
John: This isn’t going well, please gentleman, we have to speak on common ground.
Seth Lerch: I believe your brother is speaking about why I am here, Pantheon.
ICE: You know maybe those guys aren’t so bad, I mean they might be cock roaches, but you have to have respect for anything that can survive a Nuke, besides they got a pretty cool chick among them, not to mention a big fat bald dummy who has one of those non-sexual man crushes on me.
Seth Lerch: I told you this would be a waste of my extremely valuable time.
John: Natural, Seth is looking for a favor.
ICE: I am not the favor giving type.
Seth Lerch: I know what you want ICE, and while I can’t promise anything, I think you both know if I want to make it happen, I can make the rematch happen.
ICE: You know Seth, I saw you wrestle at XIII, why don’t you take care of them yourself?
Seth Lerch: I knocked them down a notch, but to truly rid their name off the marque outside the arena, I need...well...
ICE: Oh say it Seth, it would taste better than this drink to here you say those words.
Seth Lerch: Then drink up, for I need ICE Beckman.
John: That is awfully nice-
ICE: No, Shhh, I want to savoir this moment, the moment the most powerful man in WCF came to me begging on his knees for help.
Seth Lerch: I am not on my knees.
ICE: You will be later, when I retell this story to ZMAC.
(DEE pops his head into the dressing room, looking down at a clipboard.)
DEE: ICE, three minutes until you go back on, and don’t forget your- (looks up) Holy Hell Seth Lerch is Here!
John: Yes, he is, now you are interrupting a meeting that could change the outcome of WCF history.
DEE: So is this a bad time to ask him to sign my WCF scrapbook?
(John slams the door in Dee’s face.)
John: Natural, Seth has said what we needed to hear, now what do you have to say?
ICE: I will do what I want, what is best for me, just like I always fucking do.
Seth Lerch: I knew I played the wrong hand with you.
ICE: Let me finish Seth, or you might be the one headed for that coffin...as I was saying, I will do what I want.
Seth Lerch: And what do you want?
ICE: I want to kill Pantheon, I want to be known as the Drunken Foam Laker from the Back Woods who destroyed the league of Gods...happy Seth?
Seth Lerch: Usually.
ICE: Now, my turn, about that World Title shot?
(ICE turns back to Seth and finds only a closing door.)
John: He left.
ICE: And without giving me my title shot.
John: Trust me ICE, you fight for that man and he will have no choice but to give you that shot.
ICE: And if he doesn’t...I burn the place to the ground.
John: Oh, I thought you were going to say I would be fired.
ICE: Oh, of course you will, but that is fucking obvious.
(Natural ICE finishes his drink, before setting the glass down and taking just a moment to look at himself in the mirror, at his empty shoulder, his naked waist before heading towards the stage for the final act of the night...
ACT IV: What it is like to date...Chelsea Armstrong.
...for the last time tonight ICE finds himself on the dark stage, but his thoughts are firing off like fireworks at the end of a patriotic display. He thinks of Chelsea sleeping next to him with the morning sun cast across her milky white skin. He thinks of the look on John’s face lately, a mix of passion and embarrassment, like father of thirteen fearful of losing his job. He thinks of Bobby Cairo, holding ICE’s belt and smiling like it actually loves him. He thinks of Father Roman and how much he fought for ICE and how much ICE wanted to please him. He thinks of ZMAC, and the honor he did when he expected ICE as a Vapor King. He thinks of PJ and DEE, his Beckman family, his dog, Foam Lake, but in the end, just before the spotlight hits him, everything goes black in his mind, expect for Chelsea, who seems to be fading away from him and then show time.)
ICE: A Poem by....by...
(And ICE stops speaking, just a moment, his world of confusion is back, drowning him in thoughts, ideas, prayers, hopes, wants, desires...and then with a 1,2,3 at Explosion...it is over and the path before him is once again a yellow brick road. As the first few whispers begin to wonder through-out the audience ICE silences them with a booming and strong voice.)
ICE: A Poem By Natural ICE Beckman!
Being with a nightmare can be tough,
She is crazy, she is fun, all at the same time.
But in the end things always get rough,
Especially when ICE is committing the crime.
(ICE walks off stage to a sea of chatter from the cast and crew. DEE is the first one to speak to ICE as he walks up on stage as the people in the crowd are again puzzled, this time because the curtain isn’t going right up for this final act like it has every time ICE finished his poem all play long.)
DEE: What are you doing ICE?
ICE: We are going with the first script I wrote for Act Four.
DEE: You mean the one you wrote with Buddy Roman’s influence? The one you deemed too mean?
ICE: I don’t have time to explain! Spread the word! It is the original script! NOW GO!
(ICE’s strong voice is said with such virtue that is echoes through-out the dark and quiet theater. DEE scrambles away from ICE in fear as he begins to spread the word for the script change, a meaningless act since everyone already heard ICE’s angry decision when he yelled it moments ago. A few moments past as the whole place sits in darkness, only leading to the anticipation for when those curtains finally do open to reveal the stage for the final act. We see a set built to look like a therapists office, complete with wood paneling lining the walls, a long leather couch, a few comforting ferns and a nice leather chair for the doctor. The actor playing the therapist walks onto the stage, followed by the actress playing Chelsea Armstrong. He looks smart and cool, in his sweat vest and casual khakis, while she looks a little out there with heavy eye make-up and crazy blue hair.)
Doctor: Thank you for making your appointment this week Chelsea.
Chelsea: Hey, when a hot guy like you wants a date, I am all for it.
Doctor: Yes, but you do know this is not a date, right Chelsea?
Chelsea: I love a good sense of humor in a man.
Doctor: Please, take a seat on the couch.
Chelsea: Sure I can’t take a seat with you, I feel more comfortable when I am close with a man.
Doctor: I think the couch would be the most appropriate please for you and the chair for me.
(They both find their assigned seating.)
Chelsea: Well I have to say, this is a nice place you brought me to for our special date out. What is the name of this restaurant?
Doctor: It is my office Chelsea, and this is not a date.
Chelsea: That is a really long name for a restaurant, is it French or something?
Doctor: Chelsea, does reality scare you?
Chelsea: Nothing scares me, but sunny days, happy times and getting close to someone. Now my turn, how do I defeat ICE Beckman?
Doctor: I told you, I think wrestling is not a healthy resource for you right now.
Chelsea: Sounds like someone is working for Seth.
Doctor: I am working for you, and since you have a really good health plan, I am working overtime on you.
Chelsea: If you are talking about love, that maybe too much...considering this is our first date. Then again, fine you can be my daddy, but I get to spend the night in your basement in a dog kennel.
Doctor: Are you happy being a wrestler Chelsea?
Chelsea: I am happy to be considered to be tough in a man driven world. But enough about me, what do you do for a job?
Doctor: Chelsea...this is not a first date, I am here to help you.
Chelsea: Well then start by letting me sit with you, I have always enjoyed being with a man.
Doctor: Why is that Chelsea?
Chelsea: They protect me, they are strong where I am weak, they are what I want to be, they complete me...for without them I am just me, and who cares about that?
Doctor: Are you taking the medication I ordered for you?
Chelsea: That’s a bit personal of question for a first date.
Doctor: This is Not a First Date! You becoming a crazy bitch...don’t you Get IT?!!!
(The crowd doesn’t want to laugh as this once fun play becomes a pile of shit that is hard to watch for this crowd of high living New Yorkers.)
Chelsea: I get that you are being mean to me and I get you get me, so where next? My place or yours?
(The actress playing Chelsea stands up and begins to walk with a sexy purpose towards the actor playing the play by the rules doctor.)
Doctor: Please Chelsea, sit back down on the couch.
Chelsea: I like how mad you are getting at me; if you want me to bend over, just ask...
Doctor: Orderly, Please I need Help!
(The off putting scene begins to get people to get up from their seats in the audience and head for the exits as ICE Beckman walks onto screen, playing the part of an orderly, dressed all in white with a unplanned expression drawn across his face.)
ICE as The Orderly: Yes, Doctor, you rang for me?
Chelsea: Now this is becoming a real date with some options for who I am going home with.
Doctor: I need you to get her back onto the couch.
ICE as The Orderly: But sir, she is just a girl.
Doctor: You want to keep your job, your role...Get Her Back Onto the Couch....NOW!!
Chelsea: Oh, this is beginning to get fun!
ICE as The Orderly: Yes sir, if you say so sir, whatever gets me that promotion sir.
(ICE Beckman grabs the actress playing Chelsea and tosses her at the couch with such impact that when she collides with piece of furniture she knocks is over and rolls onto the hard wood of the Broadway stage. The violent act of block gets a shocked reaction from the sobering up crowd of theater goers.)
Doctor: Um, Orderly, I think that was a little too rough.
ICE as The Orderly: Stick to the script Steve!!!
Doctor: I am...are you?
ICE as The Orderly: You must really like being the manager at Starbucks with the fucking tongue of yours...Now to Stick to the Script!
(The actress playing Chelsea checks for a bloody lip as she climbs up from behind the knocked over sofa.)
Chelsea: I am fine, in fact...(she begins to run her finger along ICE’s massive chest)...I like it rough.
ICE as The Orderly: You better like it, for I make the rules right now. In fact when it comes to us, I always have.
Chelsea: Now here is a man I can find myself loving for life.
ICE as The Orderly: Oh well then fuck, for I didn’t ever mean for this play to become a tragedy.
Doctor: Alright, this is play is way off script...so fuck it, I Quit!!
(The audience begins to sit back down, for what moments ago was a failing fictional interruption has become a real life moment soaked in juicy unscripted actions. The actor playing the Doctor throws a hissy fit on his way off the stage as ICE looks at the actress playing Chelsea and sees that she is ready for this off-scripted wild ride just like he is, in this moment of passion, pain and reality. The actress has done her research about Chelsea while ICE is lost in a sea of hate and ready to conquer his way to being saved.)
ICE as The Orderly: What do you want from men? Respect? Dicks? Pain? All the above?
Chelsea: I want you...and only you.
ICE as The Orderly: And if I can’t give you %100 of me, then what?
Chelsea: I will take what I can get.
ICE as The Orderly: Even if that is less than %1?
Chelsea: Oh, but I know you could never get me something that little.
ICE as The Orderly: Why do you always want to fuck your way out of trouble?
Chelsea: Why must you always be a dickhead drunk? Why must you make your immature drawings? Why must you never let me into your whole world?
ICE as The Orderly: Because you haven’t let me into yours.
Chelsea: What a bullshit answer that was.
ICE as The Orderly: I learned them from the best.
Chelsea: Are you saying my words are bullshit?
ICE as The Orderly: That couldn’t be more wrong, I was talking about learning from Seth, Buddy, ZMAC. Chelsea, you have taught me nothing.
Chelsea: This is going too far.
ICE as The Orderly: You want too far? Then listen closely...I like to fuck you from behind so I don’t have to worry about looking at your face which I know that someday I will have hurt in the ring.
Chelsea: Alright then...will this is over.
ICE as The Orderly: I sparked the fire; so you don’t have to tell me things are burning.
(And with that single line the curtains come to a sudden close. The confused crowd sits there for a moment in the dark before the house lights come on as a signal that the play is over. This sparks a few slow claps through-out the theater goers, but mostly all you hear is confused rumblings as people begin to gather their stuff and head for the exits. Meanwhile backstage ICE Beckman is again walking down the crowded hallway, however this time everyone gets out of his way like when Moses parted the Red Sea. ICE doesn’t even see the two famous Broadway stars, Matthew Broderick and Nathan Lane, at the end of the hall. They two part ways in order to let ICE storm by them and once the former WCF Champ is out of range to hear them they speak.)
Matthew Broderick: Does this mean our big musical ending number has been cancelled.
Nathan Lane: I think so, but the important question is, do we still get paid?
Matthew Broderick: Let’s find that little nerd, with the clipboard and the bad dye job.
Nathan Lane: Or we could just ask ICE Beckman about it...(they hear a loud crash come from the direction ICE just stormed towards)....Never mind, let’s find the nerd.
(Natural ICE is now on the roof of the theater, looking down at the people exiting the building and flooding into the streets of New York City. A joint rests on his lips before he reaches up to spark it. He takes in a huge hit and like the magic of drugs his entire bad mood seems to float away when he exhales. He then looks up at the night sky, and what few stars he can actually see and speaks to them for they are the closest thing he can find to nature in this concrete jungle of a city.)
ICE: This week was a huge fucking gamble, for I put all my chips in and I am not sure how the luck will play out. I choose to play by the house rules, I choose to play for the jackpot and I played to go big or go home...alone. And this is why...
(ICE takes finds another drag while cracking open a can of Whoop Ass beer.)
ICE: You see Chelsea, you have quite the past with relationships, both hot and cold, good and bad, but see this is something you barely even know...same for me. I have made friends, allies, lovers within the world of wrestling, in other federations, and things soon trickled down to where we find ourselves right now in WCF. The boss figured out the only way to control me, to keep me under wraps was to turn me against those I was close with.
(ICE takes a drink from the soothing canned beer.)
ICE: And in the past, when that would happen, Nice ICE would take over, guide me on the higher road and make me the bigger man...which usually ended with me flat on my back. A fool full of everything but hate. And I mean true fucking hate. I think you have some of that in you Chelsea, so I know you know what I am speaking about.
(ICE takes another big drink and cannonballs it with the weed.)
ICE: And that is where my Father Roman comes into play. You see Chelsea you are my rock, my source of fun, my closes companion, but Father Roman...Fuck...Father Roman is my Father. Hell he is my role model, my advisor, my teacher...My Father. And the things he has taught me about winning makes my relationship with him the most important thing in my life.
(ICE continues to look over the side of the building. He is watching the people, hearing the sounds of the city, but truly he is only thinking about his match with visions of wrestling Chelsea and making her tap out running circles around his head.)
ICE: Listen I would be lying if I talked about how this isn’t personal, but we both know it is Chelsea. I mean Seth is a pity piss rat who fucking sucks...but fuck him, because at Explosion, he is going to get his wish and while I am risking us, for me, and that sounds selfish as fuck, well, all I can say to that is...fuck me. But I am out to see my name in the big lights, my name at the top of the mountain, my name on everyone’s tongue and if pain is a part of that plan, then let the pain rain down on anyone around me for the top is where I am headed and nothing will stop me. So at Explosion this awful ride begins, now strap in and hold on tight, because I am not worried about anyone finishing alive but me. Sorry WCF, but the hero of the WCF melted away with the death of the ICE AGE, now it is just me, a man who wants to make whoever stands in his way hurt.
(ICE doesn’t smile, he barely even reacts, before he flicks the dead butt of his joint off the side and tosses the empty can right behind it as the promo looks up and fades to black with a final shot of the night sky.)
#SundayComics
WCF Theatre Presents: Dating a WCF Wrestler
John: Natural, why is TMZ reporting that you have been propositioning hookers all day long here in New York City?
ICE: Just looking for some cheap actresses.
(ICE continues down towards the next open door.)
PJ: ICE, I know I am supposed to be playing the part of Alex Richards tonight, but what the hell? That guy is fat.
ICE: So are you PJ, just look in the mirror. Also, it doesn’t matter, I just cut that scene.
PJ: So I am not going to be the new John Candy?
ICE: You aren’t going to be the new Kool-Aid, sorry but that is the ruthlessness of Broadway.
(You hear PJ scream like a little girl as ICE continues down the narrow hallway. ICE dodges a few more very busy people as he keeps going down the hall passing the last door on the left.)
DEE: ICE, the ending is all set and also show time in 15...14...
ICE: Too late to chug 6 beers?
DEE: Of course-
(ICE burps.)
DEE: How did you just drink 6 beers in just-
ICE: SHOW TIME!
(The house lights go dark which brings a tingle to the spines of the people in the seats in the name of anticipation. The last few whispers of conversation begin to die when the lights as the stage becomes lit with a single circular spotlight. It hovers a bit against a wall of red curtains before a hush comes over the people as the play begins with Natural ICE Beckman walk out onto stage. He gets a round of polite applause as he makes his way into the spotlight.)
ICE: Dating a WCF Wrestler, a poem by Natural ICE Beckman...
If the noblest thing a man can do is marry,
Then it must start out on a first date,
And while they may be tough and scary,
They are necessary in order to procreate.
Even wrestlers like a romantic night out,
It might be fun, or it might really suck.
But we all wrestle this dating game bout,
‘Cuz in the end we all want a good fuck.
Now we start with a scene bout my boss,
He’s a weasel, he’s a jerk; a boss true and true,
But while most things he is at a loss,
He thinks he can get between me and my girl blue.
ACT I: What it is like to date...Seth Lerch
(The spotlight goes off as the stage lights come on and reveal the set as the curtains fly open. The stage is decorated to look like a pizza and arcade designed for young children. You see happy cartoon anials painted on the walls, a big colorful ball pit in background and collection of brightly colored tables set up on center stage. Out on stage comes the first actor of the night...a skinny lad, holding a vodka bottle with a baby bottle nipple on top and a little sailor’s boy outfit. The actor playing Seth is looking around at the many kids running around and the other people as if he is seeking one of them out.)
Seth: Stupid Mom, making me get out of her basement...just because she has a date with the Mailman, that I am not sure he knows about...doesn’t mean I have to go on a date. At least we are somewhere cool, Super Fun Happy Land is the best! Hope this stupid girl doesn’t ruin it. What was her name again....Elizabeth?
(A women in the crowd of actors on stage steps forward.)
Elizabeth: Seth, is that you?
Seth: Oh great, you’re hot...I bet you don’t even play live action roleplay games.
(The audience laughs.)
Elizabeth: Well, I guess I could give them a try, you know for fun!
Seth: Live Action Roleplay games aren’t fun...They Are Everything! They are the ONLY thing!
Elizabeth: Are you drunk?
Seth: Drinking is the one thing that I like about being a grown-up....lucky for me I run a wrestling federation, and you don’t have to act like a grown-up there at all and you fit right in!
(The audience laughs as the actor playing Seth leads the actress playing his date over to a Super Fun Happy Land table.)
Elizabeth: So tell me more about this bossing around Superstar Wrestlers.
Seth: It’s great, I tell those steroids using jerks what to do and they do it!
Elizabeth: Really? They never get mad at you?
Seth: Sure they get mad, they whine, they moan, but in the end of the day, I am the boss and they do what I say!
Elizabeth: Aren’t you afraid they might hurt you?
Seth: When you are drunk you can walk from falling off a three story parking garage.
Elizabeth: How do you know that?
Seth: Cause it happened to me.
Elizabeth: You, sound tough. How did it happen?
Seth: It was nighttime and I couldn’t see very well through the eye-holes of my Powderpuff Girls one Halloween and tripped over the side of the parking garage. And that’s right, I was up Past my bedtime.
(The audience laughs at the pathetic pride in the voice of the actor playing Seth as ICE Beckman comes walking into stage. ICE is dressed in a suit made up of a variety of fro lucent colors like a mascot for the children’s restaurant. He does his best goofy walk over to the table with the first date.)
ICE as Super Fun Happy Guy: Welcome to Super Fun Happy Land, I am Super Fun Happy Guy, Want to try a Super Fun Happy Pizza or a Super Fun Happy Chicken Basket or a salad.
Elizabeth: Isn’t the salad Super Fun Happy?
ICE as Super Fun Happy Guy: Nope, it is just a salad...comes with your choice of dressing, Ranch or None.
Seth: I am a Super Fun Happy Land Superstar Member, so I am like Your Boss too.
ICE as Super Fun Happy Guy: God damn, I wish I hadn’t gotten fired from Pizza Hut.
Seth: I want you to do a Super Fun Happy Dance and make it in my honor!
ICE as Super Fun Happy Guy: Excuse me little bitch, I mean sir, wouldn’t you prefer I dance in honor of your lovely date?
Seth: Why do I need her, my mom will rub my feet and make me spaghettiOs when I get home anyhow? NOW DANCE, Before I get mad and through a spazzy tantrum!
ICE as Super Fun Happy Guy: This is Super Fun Happy Land, we are more use to tantrums then we are having to dig the rat poop out of our Super Fun Happy secret sauce.
(The audience again chuckles at the joke as the play goes on while ICE exits stage left. The promo however follows ICE off stage and back into the narrow hallway from before. ICE again has to duck and dodge around a busy backstage crew as he makes his way down the hall. As he gets farther from the stage you can hear laughter erupt a few times before John Beckman grabs ICE by his Super Fun Happy suit and yanks him into a random dressing room.)
John: What the fuck I am supposed to say to the media?
ICE: I told you, those hookers, or as they want to be called, since they think it somehow makes giving blowjobs for money more respectful...Call Girls, I told you I was just looking for actresses for tonight.
John: Not them, I am talking about how you called in that radio program and said women need to get tougher, learn how to take a punch.
ICE: I also said, they need to throw a punch back.
John: It was a women’s radio show to help abused women who are too emotionally damaged in re-enter society.
ICE: Hey, fuck that, Chelsea would be proud of me. She knows how to take a punch and trust me, I know from past experience, she knows how to throw one too.
John: You truly are ready to hurt your own girl for a wrestling victory, aren’t you?
ICE: The voices of those jobber fucks is gaining strength, like fucking peasants who get a whiff of freedom, they are beginning to dream, to hope and with that comes annoyances and then I fucking have to deal with these annoyances. If only Bobby could keep these annoyances down like I did when the fucking ICE AGE ruled the WCF, but now all these little fucks thinks they can talk and walk right along with the best...urgh, it fucking makes me sick. And that is why I have to fucking win at Explosion, no matter what!
John: Hmmm, maybe Seth does know his business.
ICE: Well fuck, I guess Seth is smarter than I give him credit for most of the time...(A roar of laughter can be heard even through the closed door)...Ha, the line about Seth naming his penis Micro Machine must have be said.
John: Well what am I supposed to say, I mean drugs and drinking are good for a career, just ask Robert Downy Jr. but hitting your woman, no matter if she still loves you afterwards is not cool...just ask Ray Rice...or Seifer Black.
ICE: I don’t even have time to go there, and fuck you for trying to even compare me to that skinny loser, I buried him just like I am going to bury Seth’s little plan for when I beat Chelsea and she realizes that I also have been the better wrestler.
John: Wait, what was that? You know the promo is here, right?
(ICE looks right at the camera, breaking the fourth wall, but only for a moment as Dee brings us back by quickly popping his ehad into the room.)
DEE: ICE! We need you on stage in 30 Seconds!
ICE: Saved by the Dee, time to go.
John: What am I going to tell all these media outlets.
ICE: Keep it simple, keep it safe...something like "Fuck You", or however you say it in lawyer speak.
(ICE darts out of the room.)
John: "Fuck you" is how you say "Fuck You" in lawyer speak.
(Meanwhile ICE Beckman is getting himself ready just off stage as he hears the scene with the actor playing Seth on his blind date.)
Seth: Fine! Leave! But do me a favor first!
Elizabeth: What? Get lost? Because you got it.
Seth: I was going to say call my mom, because I need a ride home.
Elizabeth: Get out of my way nerd; maybe I can still find Super Fun Happy Guy, he was cute and seemed fun.
Seth: Why does every girl I bring her leave with that guy, first it was my mom and now her.
(The stage lights go black the crowd laughs at the scene ending joke. ICE walks back onto the stage as he can here mummers through-out the audience...
ACT II: What it is like to date...Bobby Cairo
...ICE stops in the middle of the stage as once again the single spotlight beam finds him and he clears his throat before speaking to the crowd in front of him.)
ICE: A poem by Natural ICE Beckman...
He likes to be thought of as one who is thick,
His chin aims high helping hiss glare look down,
But from rumors I’ve heard tiny is his dick,
Hence the reason his smile is always a frown.
...Natural ICE bows his head as the stage goes black with the disappearing spotlight, however by the time ICE walks off stage the overhead lights have come on revealing the scene for the second act. The stage has a backdrop of a brick wall covered with graffiti, you can see a city skyline behind the wall and the sky above had been painted the color of midnight. Soon a tall actor, dressed up to look like Bobby Cairo, with a fuzzy blue robe and a thick black beard walks onto the stage with a very large black women dressed up in very little clothing walking behind him. Her spikey high heels make her fat body wobble as she finally grabs the actor playing Cairo by the shoulder in order to stop him center stage.)
Hooker Retia: That’s enough walking, my dogs are barking, now we gonna get nasty or what?
Bobby C: Nasty is da name of my house nut, don’t worry I will make surez you be drinking thick milkshake all night figgin’ night.
Hooker Retia: Oh no, all night costs double what you gave me.
Bobby C: I be so good at fucking tight shit bitch by the ends tis night, yo ho will be paying my black ass.
Hooker Retia: Excuse me, sorry boy, you might talk like us, but your bitch ass is whiter than the fucking president’s house.
(The audience laughs.)
Bobby C: Now trust a Motherfucker, I may be whites, but thanks to all this black hair of mine, my hairy fuckin’ ass is blacker than the credibilityz world mother shitting title reign.
(The audience laughs.)
Hooker Retia: Whatever, now we gonna fuck or am I gonna have to whistle for my pimp.
Bobby C: Trust me dick ass, I be worth the fuckin’ wait, but haven’t you ever heard of a little thang called Mother Fucking foreplay?
Hooker Retia: My big ass don’t have time for that shit!
Bobby C: I like to play up the scene before I lay down my paint and when I say paint I mean white paint from my-
Hooker Retia: Yeah, yeah, you’re talking about your mother fucking jizz...now we gonna fuck or what?
(The audience laughs.)
Bobby C: Trust me honeyz, I am think king of the fucking people...just as ICE Beckman, I bent his ZMAC bitch over, fucked it raw and took his title...all while that little dick just shriveled up and watched. And then when he tried me again I made my bitch Omega fuck him raw, give him a reach around until he rolled over like a fuckin’ whore...you gots me bitch?
Hooker Retia: Alright enough...PIMP DADDY ICE I NEED YA, RIGHT NOW!!
(And her scream into the night works like the bat signal for out of the shadows slips ICE Beckman into the scene. He is dressed in one of Steve Orbit’s pimpass purple suits, complete with of course, a fucking pimpass hat and cane.)
ICE the Pimp: What is wrong now Retia, you didn’t tell him about your crabs, did ya?
Hooker Retia: Naw, the problem be the mother fucker is talking off goofy instead of fucking me in my ass like he paid me for!
Bobby C: I be paying, but fuckers go be romanticazing too, I don’t get all thick with a snap of my fingers, I gots to be warmed up, sweet talked like a true gangster, given sugar to sweetness out my harsh bitterness. I be a godfather of Dee Dubba Dober bitches!
ICE the Pimp: Are you having a stroke or something?
Hooker Retia: I told this bitch be crazy high or something.
ICE the Pimp: Listen buddy, my bitches time is valuable for me and trust me, I was taught by the best pimp in the world, now you are going to fuck this bitch in that dumpster right fucking now...and if you need some tips about that I know another guy who’s in expert in that!
Hooker Retia: Time to make this bitch a Man! Come on Boy!
Bobby C: Alright I make this bitch cum like a waterfall, but just gotta say, size isn’t the only thing that matters....just remember that!
(The actress playing the large woman drags the actor playing Bobby C to the other side of the stage as ICE exits stage left. He is quick to begin taking off the pimp and toss the cane aside as the wardrobe assistant behind him tries to catch his clothing as he sheds it. When ICE is back to his normal shirt and jean combo he finds a joint in his pocket and is just about to light it when Dee stops him.)
DEE: He’s here.
ICE: Father?
DEE: He is waiting in your dressing room, I offered him something to drink and he told me not to every talk to him again.
ICE: Well at least he said it nicely.
DEE: That isn’t exactly how he put it, that was the G rated version...needless to say, he seems upset.
ICE: He just wants the best for me.
(ICE leaves DEE behind as he opens the door with the big shining star that reads “ICE Beckman” on it. ICE walks into the dimly lit room and sees his guest sitting on the couch. ICE gives him a glance, before heading over to the fridge in order to begin to make a drink. He doesn’t bother saying hello or asking if his guest wants one, he knows why Buddy Roman is here and it isn’t a social visit.)
Father Roman: Do you know the motto of the Vapor Kings, my son?
ICE: Know it...I fucking live it.
Father Roman: Then tell me what it is?
ICE: You know I know it!
Father Roman: I want you to say it, say the motto that I have raised you to follow. Say the motto that has given you the kingdom of the WCF. Say it out loud in order for us to both here it’s power.
ICE: Conquer the Hate.
Father Roman: And now tell me, what is this?
ICE: This is a half of bottle of vodka that I am about to make an empty bottle of vodka.
Father Roman: You know I am speaking about this fun little play of yours.
ICE: Fucking Broadway isn’t little, it’s the BIG stage!
Father Roman: I am no mood for your lip tonight, son. For if you think one squeak-by-win over a piss-pot jobber gives you the right to just go back to normal I need you to check your waist for you seem to be missing something.
ICE: That title will be mine as soon as Seth gives me my rightful chance at Cairo, one on fucking one, in a WCF ring, not some bullshit off the record show.
Father Roman: I fear I am hearing excuses coming from your mouth. When I should be hearing hate for those match, this Pantheon’s dying breath and a lost by you, in this moment, with this spotlight on you would be a life line for them. And all the work my client and my sons did would be lost and here you are making jokes.
ICE: You know that is my style Father, laugh at them on Tuesday and make them tap out on Sunday.
Father Roman: But can you really do it...and just don’t speak...Think first.
ICE: I will win...Chelsea can’t beat me.
Father Roman: I hear your words and they are correct, but they do not sound right. Please Son, sit and understand...Chelsea Armstrong is already winning your match with her...she is in control and you need to take it back, right now!
ICE: She has fucking what now? Did you say-
Father Roman: I said listen Son, for your fire is burning but it’s not roasting the right meat. Seth Lerch is a lost dragon whose breath may no longer breathe fire, his teeth are no longer sharper than a diamond cut and scales no longer replies a blade, but he is still a dragon. And while he may be playing his hand like a moron, he is still playing it and if he wants you to be your ace in the hole, than that is what you are going to do, for what he is asking is on our agenda too and that brings us to the real important detail, the key stone brick to this whole fucking thing we are building, you don’t need to beat Chelsea, you need to hurt her, you don’t need to dislike Chelsea, you need to HATE her. Now I see you are ready to talk, for my son, you do indeed have the gift of speech, but like I already told you once, this is a time to be listening. And as you listen I want you to picture two different scenes. The first is you walking out of Explosion, the fans cheering you as their drunken king, the announcers touting you as truly on the comeback trail and you with that trademark smile of yours reaching from ear to ear. And Chelsea looking back at you, her bones bruised, her ego in check and her thoughts not thinking about how much she wants another shot at ICE, rather just being happy that you are walking away and this nightmare which was always too extreme for her is over and she can go back to playing the role of your woman. I know you love her, I have seen those words exit your mouth and I have seen your eyes look at her in a way that only a father knows his son. But pinning her, defeating her, hating her is the only way to get all the cake you want and being able to eat it too. For that brings me to the second scene I want you to picture, one where you are lying on the mat and Chelsea’s arm is raised. One where she is looking down at you and the look in her eye isn’t lust for you, rather disgust. The awful fans of Pantheon enjoying their moment while the even worse fans of women in WCF cheering like Amelia Earhart finally landed her plane safely. But Chelsea isn’t the headline of this story, rather you are and for all the wrong reasons. Not only are you another loser in a big match, but you are right back in the thick of the rat race. You talked a big game about respecting the WCF TV Title to Grime the other day, but in this scene, this possible reality if you lose this match you will truly be in the running for nothing but those bottom feeding titles. The ICE AGE maybe no more, but if you let Chelsea win, if you let Pantheon once again grab a hold of something, than the ICE AGE is truly melted and the Kings would be limping. The stable of the year, the founders of the current WCF landscape, and all the work through blood and pain we put together lost in a simple three count.
ICE: But...
Father Roman: That isn’t going to happen, I will not let it happen, you will not let it happen. And that is where Love makes Hate. Your love for the name ICE in headlining lights, your love of being a Vapor King and your love for me, that is what is going to win out in the end. You are going to hate her, for what she can steal from you is your meal ticket. Any girl can flirt with you, any chick can blow you and in the end any bitch can fuck you...but in the end, when you go to sleep at night, you have to remember what really matters...the Kings, the ICE AGE and climbing that mountain back to the top. Hence rocks my fall down by you, footing may loosen as you climb and in the end the things that got you to the top may no longer be around, but fuck all them, all that, for when you are once again king of the world worrying about the peasants doesn’t matter. And that girl Chelsea, I promise you my son, will be right there on her needs ready to beg and so much more...but to get that moment, to earn that pleasure...you need to Hate Her from now until the final bell. Now tell me Son...do you hate Chelsea Armstrong?
ICE: For you Father...anything.
(ICE lets the empty bottle of vodka hit the ground as he stands and embraces his Father. The two do not even bother speaking another word as ICE walks from the dressing room like a solider walking towards a battle field. The moment he exits the room he is back into the chaotic hallways of the theater’s backstage area. Like a drone lost in thought he shuffles by the busy people until he meets up face to face with Dee.)
DEE: How did that go?
ICE: Father Roman knows best.
DEE: Did he say something mean to you?
ICE: He speaks only the truth.
DEE: Oh-kay, well it is time for the next act...the one about you.
ICE: Perfect.
(ICE walks away like a terminator on a kill mission.)
DEE: Darn, ICE is pissed, glad I am not Chelsea...I mean she looks good in skinny jeans, which I love, but ICE looks ready to truly hurt her; which sucks, cause I liked her...she was good for ICE.
(Once again ICE finds himself fighting through a sea of chaotic humanity through the narrow backstage hallway, but his mind isn’t there with him this time. He is not running the lines of his next poem through his head or wondering if that guy in the front row might be Seth in disguise rather he is thinking of Chelsea...her hair, her face, the curve of her cheek and the frown...the frown he wants on her face...can he do this...Seth can’t win. And then before ICE even knows it the spotlight is shining in his face and the Broadway crowd is ready to hear him open the next act...
ACT III: What it is like to date...Natural ICE Beckman.
...ICE clears his thought as a title wave of memory saves him just in time.)
ICE: A poem by Natural ICE Beckman...
Dating a winner seems like a good thought,
Until you bring him home to meet mother,
I mean he is cool, he is a funny and he is hot,
Then ICE becomes drunk and mom wants another.
(A small hint of laughter plays ICE off the stage through the sea of darkness. The stage lights come back on revealing the scene for act three. The stage set looks like a middle America family room from the 1980’s complete with ugly wallpaper, ugly furniture and a very big ugly television. Sitting in a lazy-boy chair is a middle aged women knitting so fast you might think he life depends on it. Soon an actor playing Natural ICE Beckman comes walking on stage wearing a high school letterman’s jacket. And on that actor’s arm hangs a fun loving 80’s chick with a pony tail on the side of her head and flashy neon colors hinted through-out her demine jacket.)
Mother: Where have you been, its after midnight- AND who is this?
Misty: Chill mom, this is like my new boyfriend, ICE man.
Mother: What sort of name is that?
“ICE”: I was named after a beer, which reminds me...got any coke?
Mother: What?!
“ICE”: Or weed or drain cleaner...you really don’t have coke? I mean it is the fucking 80s.
Misty: Yah Mom, how lame of you. Get cool or get fool.
Mother: Even I know that isn’t an 80’s reference!
(The audience laughs.)
Misty: Just be cool mom, this guy is like the best and I love him.
"ICE": And I like her...sort of. But enough about us, how about that bump of coke or as I call it, a Lite-Bright; get it popular 80’s toy, drug that gets you super lite...get it? No? Hmm, mind if I make a bong out of your dog’s chew toy? And if not, fo you have rolling papers? And also, I ate most of a turkey I found in the fridge...also Happy Thanksgiving eve.
(The audience laughs.)
Mother: That is it I am calling your father!
(Natural ICE lumbers down the fake stairs of the set with his new costume. He scratches his large fake belly and then reports his fake balding hair. By the time he makes it to the end of the steps he has to hike his pants back up before making sure to give the actor playing ICE one good look over.)
ICE as The Father: What is going on down here? I had just stoked my favorite pipe and put on my favorite sweater and other dad stuff...mainly wishing I have never married.
(The audience laughs.)
Mother: Look at who you daughter has brought home this time, his name is ICE man.
ICE as The Father: Cool, like Val Kilmer from Top Gun.
Mother: Listen to talks to her...to ME!
"ICE": Uhh...
ICE as The Father: Wow, what a monster.
Misty: See Mom, Dad likes him...which might make me like him a little less.
"ICE": You’re Mom still really hates me.
Misty: Good Point, okay, you’re still hot.
(The audience laughs.)
Mother: Look at the way she is looking at him! She loves him and he loves her; I mean they are one moment away from running away forever together!!
Misty: We sure are!
"ICE": We are...but what about my band, my art....my drinking problem...which is just now getting cool.
Mother: You see, he is an awful man!
ICE as The Father: Hmmm, seems pretty cool to me...frankly any girl that is with him is lucky. Now can I get back to my Dad Stuff?
Mother: You mean whacking it to the JC Penny’s catalogue Little Miss section?
ICE as The Father: Better than touching your cold side of the bed...ICE man, good to meet ya, do yourself a favor...run away from this family....RUN away, I mean I am sure you have already fucked my daughter, right?
"ICE": Well...
(The audience laughs.)
ICE as The Father: Run Boy, Run. I mean did Misty tell ya she has a baby?
Misty: DADDY!!!?!
"ICE": What the fuck?
Mother: Alright hubby you have helped enough, back upstairs with you.
ICE as The Father: That’s all I’ve wanted to do this whole time.
(ICE playing the father leaves the scene behind as he climbs the stairs that lead to the above stage area. As ICE goes from the bright lights to the backstage shadows he is immediately confronted by John Beckman.)
John: A scene with you and you’re not playing ICE Beckman, that was confusing.
ICE: And you do you think it is like to date me, an immature drug abusing wildcard?
John: Good point.
ICE: Now if you want to talk to me you will have to follow me to my locker room, I need a drink.
(The backstage halls are the usual madhouse of actors and production assistants and all the other worker bees of the theater. John trails ICE who is b-lining through the people as the dim lights above them cast odd shadows across everyone’s face, giving the walk a sense of unknowing and mystery.)
John: You need a plan.
ICE: I think I will start by showing up, usually things work themselves out after that, I just wait for the bell and before I know it I have my hand raised.
John: Not exactly been cut and dry in the ring for you lately.
ICE: You’re right I need a new plan, and a new agent.
John: I am just trying to get you to think past this week. You want something from Seth and he wants something from you...I think the ending writes itself.
ICE: You want me to destroy her, not just pin her, don’t you?
John: All I am saying is we need to talk about this match between you and Chelsea and how we are going to get the most out of it.
ICE: I am going to get the most out it by proving to the whole federation I am still insanely hard to beat in the ring and that is why I am next in line for the World Title.
John: You want the World Title? You want a chance to get back what you lost? Then I think you will want to talk to him.
ICE: God? Him and I are exactly on speaking terms.
John: Not God, well he might as will be to you; for the World Title you want starts with him.
ICE: You got Bobby Cairo to come here? To talk with me? Maybe you aren’t a completely fucking useless agent.
John: I am a grand agent, for I am smart enough to know Bobby doesn’t pull any strings in the WCF expect the ones attached to Kaz Mazy, if you want something you have to go right to the top.
ICE: You don’t mean.
John: He is waiting in your dressing room.
ICE: He better not have touched my shit.
(ICE storms into his dressing room with a head of stem, with John quickly behind him, ICE doesn’t have to go far before he finds the man he is looking for, helping himself to a drink from the mini bar. After he finishes pouring the drink he turns towards ICE and reveals to the world that the WCF boss himself has come to Broadway.)
Seth Lerch: Hope you don’t mind, I helped myself to a drink.
ICE: First my title, now my booze, fuck Seth, you don’t seem to know how to make me like you at all.
Seth Lerch: I saved you from that coffin.
ICE: You put me in that coffin! But hey did you happen to see Act One?
Seth Lerch: No, what? why? Was there a men joke or two about me?
ICE: Something like that.
Seth Lerch: What does that mean?
John: This isn’t going well, please gentleman, we have to speak on common ground.
Seth Lerch: I believe your brother is speaking about why I am here, Pantheon.
ICE: You know maybe those guys aren’t so bad, I mean they might be cock roaches, but you have to have respect for anything that can survive a Nuke, besides they got a pretty cool chick among them, not to mention a big fat bald dummy who has one of those non-sexual man crushes on me.
Seth Lerch: I told you this would be a waste of my extremely valuable time.
John: Natural, Seth is looking for a favor.
ICE: I am not the favor giving type.
Seth Lerch: I know what you want ICE, and while I can’t promise anything, I think you both know if I want to make it happen, I can make the rematch happen.
ICE: You know Seth, I saw you wrestle at XIII, why don’t you take care of them yourself?
Seth Lerch: I knocked them down a notch, but to truly rid their name off the marque outside the arena, I need...well...
ICE: Oh say it Seth, it would taste better than this drink to here you say those words.
Seth Lerch: Then drink up, for I need ICE Beckman.
John: That is awfully nice-
ICE: No, Shhh, I want to savoir this moment, the moment the most powerful man in WCF came to me begging on his knees for help.
Seth Lerch: I am not on my knees.
ICE: You will be later, when I retell this story to ZMAC.
(DEE pops his head into the dressing room, looking down at a clipboard.)
DEE: ICE, three minutes until you go back on, and don’t forget your- (looks up) Holy Hell Seth Lerch is Here!
John: Yes, he is, now you are interrupting a meeting that could change the outcome of WCF history.
DEE: So is this a bad time to ask him to sign my WCF scrapbook?
(John slams the door in Dee’s face.)
John: Natural, Seth has said what we needed to hear, now what do you have to say?
ICE: I will do what I want, what is best for me, just like I always fucking do.
Seth Lerch: I knew I played the wrong hand with you.
ICE: Let me finish Seth, or you might be the one headed for that coffin...as I was saying, I will do what I want.
Seth Lerch: And what do you want?
ICE: I want to kill Pantheon, I want to be known as the Drunken Foam Laker from the Back Woods who destroyed the league of Gods...happy Seth?
Seth Lerch: Usually.
ICE: Now, my turn, about that World Title shot?
(ICE turns back to Seth and finds only a closing door.)
John: He left.
ICE: And without giving me my title shot.
John: Trust me ICE, you fight for that man and he will have no choice but to give you that shot.
ICE: And if he doesn’t...I burn the place to the ground.
John: Oh, I thought you were going to say I would be fired.
ICE: Oh, of course you will, but that is fucking obvious.
(Natural ICE finishes his drink, before setting the glass down and taking just a moment to look at himself in the mirror, at his empty shoulder, his naked waist before heading towards the stage for the final act of the night...
ACT IV: What it is like to date...Chelsea Armstrong.
...for the last time tonight ICE finds himself on the dark stage, but his thoughts are firing off like fireworks at the end of a patriotic display. He thinks of Chelsea sleeping next to him with the morning sun cast across her milky white skin. He thinks of the look on John’s face lately, a mix of passion and embarrassment, like father of thirteen fearful of losing his job. He thinks of Bobby Cairo, holding ICE’s belt and smiling like it actually loves him. He thinks of Father Roman and how much he fought for ICE and how much ICE wanted to please him. He thinks of ZMAC, and the honor he did when he expected ICE as a Vapor King. He thinks of PJ and DEE, his Beckman family, his dog, Foam Lake, but in the end, just before the spotlight hits him, everything goes black in his mind, expect for Chelsea, who seems to be fading away from him and then show time.)
ICE: A Poem by....by...
(And ICE stops speaking, just a moment, his world of confusion is back, drowning him in thoughts, ideas, prayers, hopes, wants, desires...and then with a 1,2,3 at Explosion...it is over and the path before him is once again a yellow brick road. As the first few whispers begin to wonder through-out the audience ICE silences them with a booming and strong voice.)
ICE: A Poem By Natural ICE Beckman!
Being with a nightmare can be tough,
She is crazy, she is fun, all at the same time.
But in the end things always get rough,
Especially when ICE is committing the crime.
(ICE walks off stage to a sea of chatter from the cast and crew. DEE is the first one to speak to ICE as he walks up on stage as the people in the crowd are again puzzled, this time because the curtain isn’t going right up for this final act like it has every time ICE finished his poem all play long.)
DEE: What are you doing ICE?
ICE: We are going with the first script I wrote for Act Four.
DEE: You mean the one you wrote with Buddy Roman’s influence? The one you deemed too mean?
ICE: I don’t have time to explain! Spread the word! It is the original script! NOW GO!
(ICE’s strong voice is said with such virtue that is echoes through-out the dark and quiet theater. DEE scrambles away from ICE in fear as he begins to spread the word for the script change, a meaningless act since everyone already heard ICE’s angry decision when he yelled it moments ago. A few moments past as the whole place sits in darkness, only leading to the anticipation for when those curtains finally do open to reveal the stage for the final act. We see a set built to look like a therapists office, complete with wood paneling lining the walls, a long leather couch, a few comforting ferns and a nice leather chair for the doctor. The actor playing the therapist walks onto the stage, followed by the actress playing Chelsea Armstrong. He looks smart and cool, in his sweat vest and casual khakis, while she looks a little out there with heavy eye make-up and crazy blue hair.)
Doctor: Thank you for making your appointment this week Chelsea.
Chelsea: Hey, when a hot guy like you wants a date, I am all for it.
Doctor: Yes, but you do know this is not a date, right Chelsea?
Chelsea: I love a good sense of humor in a man.
Doctor: Please, take a seat on the couch.
Chelsea: Sure I can’t take a seat with you, I feel more comfortable when I am close with a man.
Doctor: I think the couch would be the most appropriate please for you and the chair for me.
(They both find their assigned seating.)
Chelsea: Well I have to say, this is a nice place you brought me to for our special date out. What is the name of this restaurant?
Doctor: It is my office Chelsea, and this is not a date.
Chelsea: That is a really long name for a restaurant, is it French or something?
Doctor: Chelsea, does reality scare you?
Chelsea: Nothing scares me, but sunny days, happy times and getting close to someone. Now my turn, how do I defeat ICE Beckman?
Doctor: I told you, I think wrestling is not a healthy resource for you right now.
Chelsea: Sounds like someone is working for Seth.
Doctor: I am working for you, and since you have a really good health plan, I am working overtime on you.
Chelsea: If you are talking about love, that maybe too much...considering this is our first date. Then again, fine you can be my daddy, but I get to spend the night in your basement in a dog kennel.
Doctor: Are you happy being a wrestler Chelsea?
Chelsea: I am happy to be considered to be tough in a man driven world. But enough about me, what do you do for a job?
Doctor: Chelsea...this is not a first date, I am here to help you.
Chelsea: Well then start by letting me sit with you, I have always enjoyed being with a man.
Doctor: Why is that Chelsea?
Chelsea: They protect me, they are strong where I am weak, they are what I want to be, they complete me...for without them I am just me, and who cares about that?
Doctor: Are you taking the medication I ordered for you?
Chelsea: That’s a bit personal of question for a first date.
Doctor: This is Not a First Date! You becoming a crazy bitch...don’t you Get IT?!!!
(The crowd doesn’t want to laugh as this once fun play becomes a pile of shit that is hard to watch for this crowd of high living New Yorkers.)
Chelsea: I get that you are being mean to me and I get you get me, so where next? My place or yours?
(The actress playing Chelsea stands up and begins to walk with a sexy purpose towards the actor playing the play by the rules doctor.)
Doctor: Please Chelsea, sit back down on the couch.
Chelsea: I like how mad you are getting at me; if you want me to bend over, just ask...
Doctor: Orderly, Please I need Help!
(The off putting scene begins to get people to get up from their seats in the audience and head for the exits as ICE Beckman walks onto screen, playing the part of an orderly, dressed all in white with a unplanned expression drawn across his face.)
ICE as The Orderly: Yes, Doctor, you rang for me?
Chelsea: Now this is becoming a real date with some options for who I am going home with.
Doctor: I need you to get her back onto the couch.
ICE as The Orderly: But sir, she is just a girl.
Doctor: You want to keep your job, your role...Get Her Back Onto the Couch....NOW!!
Chelsea: Oh, this is beginning to get fun!
ICE as The Orderly: Yes sir, if you say so sir, whatever gets me that promotion sir.
(ICE Beckman grabs the actress playing Chelsea and tosses her at the couch with such impact that when she collides with piece of furniture she knocks is over and rolls onto the hard wood of the Broadway stage. The violent act of block gets a shocked reaction from the sobering up crowd of theater goers.)
Doctor: Um, Orderly, I think that was a little too rough.
ICE as The Orderly: Stick to the script Steve!!!
Doctor: I am...are you?
ICE as The Orderly: You must really like being the manager at Starbucks with the fucking tongue of yours...Now to Stick to the Script!
(The actress playing Chelsea checks for a bloody lip as she climbs up from behind the knocked over sofa.)
Chelsea: I am fine, in fact...(she begins to run her finger along ICE’s massive chest)...I like it rough.
ICE as The Orderly: You better like it, for I make the rules right now. In fact when it comes to us, I always have.
Chelsea: Now here is a man I can find myself loving for life.
ICE as The Orderly: Oh well then fuck, for I didn’t ever mean for this play to become a tragedy.
Doctor: Alright, this is play is way off script...so fuck it, I Quit!!
(The audience begins to sit back down, for what moments ago was a failing fictional interruption has become a real life moment soaked in juicy unscripted actions. The actor playing the Doctor throws a hissy fit on his way off the stage as ICE looks at the actress playing Chelsea and sees that she is ready for this off-scripted wild ride just like he is, in this moment of passion, pain and reality. The actress has done her research about Chelsea while ICE is lost in a sea of hate and ready to conquer his way to being saved.)
ICE as The Orderly: What do you want from men? Respect? Dicks? Pain? All the above?
Chelsea: I want you...and only you.
ICE as The Orderly: And if I can’t give you %100 of me, then what?
Chelsea: I will take what I can get.
ICE as The Orderly: Even if that is less than %1?
Chelsea: Oh, but I know you could never get me something that little.
ICE as The Orderly: Why do you always want to fuck your way out of trouble?
Chelsea: Why must you always be a dickhead drunk? Why must you make your immature drawings? Why must you never let me into your whole world?
ICE as The Orderly: Because you haven’t let me into yours.
Chelsea: What a bullshit answer that was.
ICE as The Orderly: I learned them from the best.
Chelsea: Are you saying my words are bullshit?
ICE as The Orderly: That couldn’t be more wrong, I was talking about learning from Seth, Buddy, ZMAC. Chelsea, you have taught me nothing.
Chelsea: This is going too far.
ICE as The Orderly: You want too far? Then listen closely...I like to fuck you from behind so I don’t have to worry about looking at your face which I know that someday I will have hurt in the ring.
Chelsea: Alright then...will this is over.
ICE as The Orderly: I sparked the fire; so you don’t have to tell me things are burning.
(And with that single line the curtains come to a sudden close. The confused crowd sits there for a moment in the dark before the house lights come on as a signal that the play is over. This sparks a few slow claps through-out the theater goers, but mostly all you hear is confused rumblings as people begin to gather their stuff and head for the exits. Meanwhile backstage ICE Beckman is again walking down the crowded hallway, however this time everyone gets out of his way like when Moses parted the Red Sea. ICE doesn’t even see the two famous Broadway stars, Matthew Broderick and Nathan Lane, at the end of the hall. They two part ways in order to let ICE storm by them and once the former WCF Champ is out of range to hear them they speak.)
Matthew Broderick: Does this mean our big musical ending number has been cancelled.
Nathan Lane: I think so, but the important question is, do we still get paid?
Matthew Broderick: Let’s find that little nerd, with the clipboard and the bad dye job.
Nathan Lane: Or we could just ask ICE Beckman about it...(they hear a loud crash come from the direction ICE just stormed towards)....Never mind, let’s find the nerd.
(Natural ICE is now on the roof of the theater, looking down at the people exiting the building and flooding into the streets of New York City. A joint rests on his lips before he reaches up to spark it. He takes in a huge hit and like the magic of drugs his entire bad mood seems to float away when he exhales. He then looks up at the night sky, and what few stars he can actually see and speaks to them for they are the closest thing he can find to nature in this concrete jungle of a city.)
ICE: This week was a huge fucking gamble, for I put all my chips in and I am not sure how the luck will play out. I choose to play by the house rules, I choose to play for the jackpot and I played to go big or go home...alone. And this is why...
(ICE takes finds another drag while cracking open a can of Whoop Ass beer.)
ICE: You see Chelsea, you have quite the past with relationships, both hot and cold, good and bad, but see this is something you barely even know...same for me. I have made friends, allies, lovers within the world of wrestling, in other federations, and things soon trickled down to where we find ourselves right now in WCF. The boss figured out the only way to control me, to keep me under wraps was to turn me against those I was close with.
(ICE takes a drink from the soothing canned beer.)
ICE: And in the past, when that would happen, Nice ICE would take over, guide me on the higher road and make me the bigger man...which usually ended with me flat on my back. A fool full of everything but hate. And I mean true fucking hate. I think you have some of that in you Chelsea, so I know you know what I am speaking about.
(ICE takes another big drink and cannonballs it with the weed.)
ICE: And that is where my Father Roman comes into play. You see Chelsea you are my rock, my source of fun, my closes companion, but Father Roman...Fuck...Father Roman is my Father. Hell he is my role model, my advisor, my teacher...My Father. And the things he has taught me about winning makes my relationship with him the most important thing in my life.
(ICE continues to look over the side of the building. He is watching the people, hearing the sounds of the city, but truly he is only thinking about his match with visions of wrestling Chelsea and making her tap out running circles around his head.)
ICE: Listen I would be lying if I talked about how this isn’t personal, but we both know it is Chelsea. I mean Seth is a pity piss rat who fucking sucks...but fuck him, because at Explosion, he is going to get his wish and while I am risking us, for me, and that sounds selfish as fuck, well, all I can say to that is...fuck me. But I am out to see my name in the big lights, my name at the top of the mountain, my name on everyone’s tongue and if pain is a part of that plan, then let the pain rain down on anyone around me for the top is where I am headed and nothing will stop me. So at Explosion this awful ride begins, now strap in and hold on tight, because I am not worried about anyone finishing alive but me. Sorry WCF, but the hero of the WCF melted away with the death of the ICE AGE, now it is just me, a man who wants to make whoever stands in his way hurt.
(ICE doesn’t smile, he barely even reacts, before he flicks the dead butt of his joint off the side and tosses the empty can right behind it as the promo looks up and fades to black with a final shot of the night sky.)
#SundayComics
WCF Theatre Presents: Dating a WCF Wrestler