Choose Your Own ICE AGE Adventure
Feb 22, 2015 16:29:38 GMT -5
Logan, Alex Richards, and 2 more like this
Post by Natural ICE Beckman on Feb 22, 2015 16:29:38 GMT -5
Chapter 1: It Begins
(The cold shock of winter wind is as welcome as the third slap on the mat to the WCF World Champion. ICE Beckman is feeling the wild ride of alcohol, meaning the concept of free will is more foreign to him than the gibberish that spews from the cunt mouths of the Saints. ICE sees a dark image, maybe a bear off in the distance.)
ICE: Must be a fucking bear it is digging through a dumpster.
(ICE thinks back to his life-long dream of killing a bear with his bare hands.)
ICE: Just like Grizzly fucking Adams...or was he friends with the bear, I fucking forget.
(ICE looks around and ponders his glorious and wonderful drunk talk being wasted on no one; that is however until the wind whispers at his ear...for you see ICE Beckman grew up hunting the woods like a wolf, finding shelter from the cold like a wild creature, talents and skills that he uses in the ring when times get tough. Talents and skills he uses out of the ring as well, weather it be wooing a hard lady soft, dealing with harsh sins from God h the comfort of a joke or watering down problems but never backing away from them with a false reality. ICE looks back again as the large dark figure again grunts with pleasure.)
ICE: Time to fight.
(But the booze begins to tickle at his dick like a devil on the shoulder.)
ICE: Then again Chelsea’s sexy voice is only a call away.
TIME TO....CHOOSE YOUR ICE AGE ADVENTURE!!
If you want ICE to call Chelsea in attempt for Phone Sex go to Chapter 2 in this color.
If you want ICE to fight the shadowy figure go to Chapter 3 in this color.
Chapter 2: Hello, is this Chelsea?
(The phone is ringing...ringing...ICE is feeling the blood rush from his head as his brain is flooded with images of her sexy eyes, her curvy ass, her luscious tits, her pink-)
Other End of Phone: Hello?
ICE: I want to fuck you so hard right now?
Other End of Phone: What? Is this cookie monster.
ICE: Wait...is this is fuc-, I mean, is this Chelsea’s daughter Shelley?
Shelley: ICE dude, is that you?
ICE: Hey...whoa...hey, can I talk to your mommy please?
Shelley: Wanna play hide and go seek?
ICE: Um, that isn’t really a long distance game.
Shelley: Please? Pretty Please ICE dude?
ICE: Fine, give the phone to your mom and then go hide.
(ICE hears the phone being passed over as uses the moment to excuses himself a few large beer burps into the night air as he takes a moment to picture his arm once again raised over Bobby.)
Chelsea: Hello?
ICE: Chels, babe, I got something to admit.
Chelsea: Did you swear in front of my kid again?
ICE: Um, I have two things to admit.
Chelsea: Alright, besides the swearing, what you got?
ICE: I want you...like WANT WANT...naked and covered in something.
Chelsea: Like something sweet?
ICE: I’m sweet...so, fuck yeah.
Chelsea: Listen I got to go, for some reason Shelley is trying to crawl and hide in the washing machine.
ICE: Alright, fine, you save her, but I am coming for you...(ICE hears another grunt from the shadow creature)...maybe.
TIME TO....CHOOSE YOUR ICE AGE ADVENTURE!!
If you want ICE to head for Chelsea in attempt for Real Sex go to Chapter 4 in this color.
If you want their conversation to continue go to Chapter 5 in this color.
Chapter 3: Dealing with a hungry bear.
(ICE stumbles over to the side of the bar. What light there is gives him enough indication that there is life around; like when Kaz speaks, you know he is alive, even if the noises coming from his mouth seem to turn into a chorus of grunts.)
ICE: Alright Yogi, time to face the ICE AGE.
(The creature roars.)
ICE: Hey, STJ didn’t like getting his ass beat either, but that bitch kept coming back for me, so in other words Winnie, time to take it like a man.
“Yes! I always thought you knew I was tough!”
ICE: Whoa, a talking bear...I am going to be on the news for kicking the crap out of the first ever talking bear.
“Bear, is that my new nickname?”
ICE: Wait, fuck....PJ, get the fuck out hear.
(The fat man hanging in the shadows walks away from the dumpster and into the light where ICE and the world can see he is Drunk Money Inc. Crew Member, PJ.)
PJ: Bear! I like it. Better than my old nickname...Dickhead Bastard.
ICE: I don’t remember anyone calling you that.
PJ: Oh my ex-wife called me that all the time.
ICE: Now that you mention it, didn’t Dee’s Mom called you that a bunch?
PJ: Oh man...I am horny...and drunk...but mostly horny. I need to call her, quick before I vomit.
ICE: Your ex?
PJ: No way, Dee’s mom, she might be as big as a cow, but her tits taste good as a, uh cows. Now quick give me your phone...before I puke.
ICE: I am confused about a lot of things, why talking to Dee’s mom won’t make you puke, why Seth thinks it’s fair to put my World title up in a tag match, but mostly how could anyone find Dee’s mom hot?
TIME TO....CHOOSE YOUR ICE AGE ADVENTURE!!
If you want ICE to give his phone to PJ so he can booty call Dee’s mom go to Chapter 7 in this color.
If you want ICE deny his phone to PJ and watch PJ puke his guts go to Chapter 6 in this color.
Chapter 4: Off to the airport to get off!
(ICE Beckman sits down on a nearby rock, his head spinning like a child’s fun on a Merry-Go-Round. He begins to call for a taxi.)
Airport Taxi Service: Hello, this is Airport Taxi Service, “we drive, you fly, we both win”.
ICE: That it is a terrible phrase.
Airport Taxi Service: Well they rejected my idea, “We service you all the way to the clouds.”
ICE: That is even worse.
Airport Taxi Service: That is not what Vincent told me last night.
ICE: Wait, are you one of those gays?
Airport Taxi Service: What did you just say?
ICE: Hey no offense, I just had a few research questions...I am wrestling a few dick lovers this weekend.
Airport Taxi Service: Oh wow, in a underground club or what?
ICE: No, in front of thousands...at an arena.
Airport Taxi Service: Oh wow, this must be happening in the Orient then.
ICE: No, actually Texas.
Airport Taxi Service: I’ve heard that they had steers and- wait, I gotta go my supervisor is calling me over and he looks mad. He always gets mad when I chit chat up the callers.
(The phone clicks as the conversation ends.)
ICE: Fucking dick lovers, all they think about is themselves...how thick their dick is...or how thick they can get their friend or the front row...fuck, I don’t get it...and I didn’t get my cab. But that does give me an idea for a Top Ten List....(Another roar comes from the shadows near the dumpster)...is that ZMAC or a bear or what?
TIME TO....CHOOSE YOUR ICE AGE ADVENTURE!!
If you want ICE to tell nature about his Top Ten List go to Chapter 8 in this color.
If you want ICE to finally figure out about the shadowy figure go to Chapter 3 in this color.
Chapter 5: Future Questions Open Wounded Answers
(ICE goes to hang up the phone her simple words stop him; words every man knows is a storm front coming in, much like Kaz knows he can’t hang when people say things like “three legends and a kaz” at Timebomb.)
Chelsea: Hold on a second ICE, we need to talk.
ICE: Ok, I am touching my-
Chelsea: No...actually talk...about our future.
ICE: All of a sudden Mr. Happy just said bye-bye.
Chelsea: That’s not the name we agreed for it...damn, you ICE...this is what I am talking about, you always joking. How am I supposed to see a future with such a man?
ICE: Well thanks for the pep talk Roman.
Chelsea: You know what, maybe we should talk sometime when you aren’t drunk.
ICE: Hmmm, that might take a while, I played take a drink when you think about something the Saints do that annoy me tonight...hence, my breath could start a fire when near an open flame.
Chelsea: Another joke.
ICE: Alright, fuck the jokes, fuck the routine, you want to know about us, about me and you and our future...the truth of the matter is what once started out as fun, has turned into a serious relationship that has turned into me possible popping....oh fuck!
Chelsea: Popping...what? Are you touching yourself?
ICE: No, no, not that. Someone is just drove up...for now Chelsea, I love being with you and I don’t want that to change...you hear me?
Chelsea: I do...I truly do...have a good night babe.
(ICE watches the vehicle pull up.)
ICE: I wonder what this is about.
(ICE bends down, as images of Kaz crying over the fallen body of Bobby pops like entertainment popcorn in his head.)
TIME TO....CHOOSE YOUR ICE AGE ADVENTURE!!
If you want ICE to have to talk with the Cops go to Chapter 11 in this color.
If you want ICE to chat with his older brother John Beckman go to Chapter 10 in this color.
Chapter 6: PJ THE POWERFUL PUKER!!!
(ICE watches PJ dry heave, like a cat fighting a hairball, ICE watches PJ bend over like Kaz and then begin to vomit like Bobby making a promo.)
ICE: Holy shit PJ!
(PJ’s damn is broke and the vomit is flowing.)
ICE: What did you eat?
PJ: Six bags of skittles.
(PJ vomits.)
ICE: Taste the rainbow...twice.
PJ: And...some KFC.
(PJ vomits, wiping his mouth clean with the back of his hand.)
ICE: Finger liking good.
PJ: Oh and a bunch of spoonful’s of expired mayonnaise...you know to get my daily dairy-
(PJ vomits like a water balloon springing a leak.)
ICE: Well, this is a terrible adventure so far, that is for sure. And great here comes the fucking cops...you know what PJ, I think it’s time for me to pull a Bobby and quit on this....I got a girl to see.
PJ: Please ICE man, stay, I need you to talk to them. So, what are you doing?
TIME TO....CHOOSE YOUR ICE AGE ADVENTURE!!
If you want ICE to stay and help PJ deal with the boys in blue go to Chapter 11 in this color.
If you want ICE to head for Chelsea go to Chapter 4 in this color.
Chapter 7: PJ goes for the MILF Booty Call
(PJ takes the phone from ICE and is eager to dial the number for Dee’s Mom’s house. The vomit begins to go down PJ’s throat as it rises in ICE’s.)
PJ: It’s ringing...
ICE: I don’t care.
PJ: It is still ringing.
ICE: And I still don’t care.
PJ: Hello...mother lover.
ICE: And now I am going to vomit.
PJ: Don’t vomit or I will...no honey bear I was talking to ICE, not you...wait, this is Dee? Oh shit.
ICE: And suddenly this Foam Lake late night road just became the Maury show, now where is Johnny Fly?
PJ: SHHH ICE, I don’t want Dee to know I want to bang his mom....oh, crap the phone is still on.
ICE: That’s it, I have to make a series of jokes...before I explode.
(On the other end of the phone you can hear Dee’s high pitched voice screaming at PJ about making his mom an honest lady and something about Superman.)
PJ: Stop yelling DEE...No, ICE, don’t wonder off yet...I just heard Dee’s Mom say she is coming to get us in her car. So come on stay, she is really fat, she is bound to bring us cookies or something. So, will ya stay ICE man?
TIME TO....CHOOSE YOUR ICE AGE ADVENTURE!!
If you want ICE to go and do Stand Up at a still open local bar go to Chapter 13 in this color.
If you want ICE to stay with PJ and this disgusting booty call thing go to Chapter 12 in this color.
Chapter 8: Letterman would sue if he knew about these.
(ICE looks up at the stars in the cold and still sky. For each very bright star he sees he counts off another item on this week’s top ten list. A wolf howls in the distance like a director giving ICE his actor cue.)
ICE: I like that idea...thanks Wolf friend...and I don’t mean Chase Michaels...I don’t think that guy ever liked me...anyways, without further ado...here is the Top Ten Reasons Seth’s hates me...hence the reason for this bullshit match he booked me in at Timebomb.
(ICE pulls out his emergency whiskey flask, which is hidden in his coat pocket between his emergency vodka flask and his emergency rum flask.)
ICE: Number Ten: Seth is dealing with wrestlers crying about having to face the ICE AGE....Number Nine: He lost his chance to get into Heaven after booking STJ to get destroyed by me so many times...Number Eight: ICE AGE don’t buy as much vendor beer as redneck fans since many of them focus on hard narcotic drugs...Number Seven: Seth has mommy issues; which the reason he hates lots of things...Number Six: ICE actually has friends in the WCF...Number Five: ICE has actually got sex without paying for it...Number Four: ICE is a cooler, better, more fun drunk...Number Three: Buddy Roman, enough said...Number Two: Seth Sucks _____ (many words work in the blank, just try it!)...And the Number One Seth hates ICE Beckman...All those really mean comics I made about him, duh.
(ICE gives himself a round of applause.)
ICE: Now, what is next?
TIME TO....CHOOSE YOUR ICE AGE ADVENTURE!!
If you want ICE’s phone to ring go to Chapter 9 in this color.
If you want ICE to take the stage with some stand-up go to Chapter 13 in this color.
Chapter 9: ICE’s Mother...remember her?
(ICE’s phone rings...and rings...and rings...so he picks it up, with a sigh and a burp into the speaker.)
Mother: So is that how we speak to our mother now then?
ICE: Oh sorry, I didn’t know we spoke anymore. Tell me who exactly are you again?
Mother: Yes, I know you like to hide behind those jokes, but we need to talk about your true father.
ICE: You mean Father Roman?
Mother: I mean the man whose DNA you have running through your veins.
ICE: You mean Father Roman?
Mother: I mean the man who gave you life.
ICE: Again, do you mean Father Roman?
Mother: That man is not your father.
ICE: That man is my father, my family, my role model, my mentor, shall I continue.
Mother: Oh Natural, my dear poor boy.
ICE: Well I see this conversation is going to come with a side of pity, that’s a new twist.
Mother: I have been thinking, and I wanted to say something to you....Natural, for what I did to you as a baby...I am....gosh this is difficult.
ICE: Sorry mom.
Mother: That’s the word I was going for.
ICE: Sorry, but I don’t have time for you...talk to you next time you go on a guilt trip.
(ICE hangs up the phone and looks around, feeling his blood pressure pushing up inside his hate factory. ICE begins to inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale.)
ICE: Alright, time to shake that off...maybe a little comedy to lighten the mood...or perhaps I could mess with someone...Bobby is a bully after all, I might as well get in some mind, body and soul type training.
TIME TO....CHOOSE YOUR ICE AGE ADVENTURE!!
If you want ICE to go and do Stand Up at a still open local bar go to Chapter 13 in this color.
If you want ICE to mess with the next person he finds go to Chapter 11 in this color.
Chapter 10: Mr. Money Bags aka the older Beckman brother.
(John Beckman walks over to his brother after parking his sleek black BMW on the side of the road.)
John: Saw a guy standing out here like a lost moose, and I knew it was you.
ICE: Are you saying I am drunk who wonders the night like a weirdo?
John: Yes, that is exactly what I am saying.
ICE: Just making sure.
John: So, talking to the trees, telling stories to the sky, maybe you found a talking beaver to discuss fart jokes with.
ICE: Now that you mention it I haven’t seen Big Teeth Randy since my last Acid trip.
John: You sure you’re ready for Seth’s little trap at Timebomb?
ICE: I could whine about it.
John: You did whine about it, last week on Slam.
ICE: Well then I can cross that off my list, now the only thing left is to kick ass and become a double champ.
John: You know I always thought too much Gold on a man was tacky.
ICE: Trust me I will wear it well...like Mr. T, but with more attitude and less sucka talk.
John: Then again, you could-
ICE: I am not dropping my title to you.
John: Fine, I don’t remember where I left my wrestling gear anyhow.
ICE: Probably why you just ordered more.
John: What did I say about you going through my mail?!
ICE: I didn’t...PJ did...and by the way he stole your L.L. Bean catalogue again.
John: He knows that isn’t a gentlemen’s magazine right?
ICE: He says anything can be porn with a good image...now if you will excuse me I do have some talking to do.
John: Talking to the trees it is.
ICE: Or maybe I drop made rhymes on the mic....or maybe not.
John: Good idea.
ICE: But I might need to kill it on stage...what you think I should do?
John: That’s not my choice, it’s theirs.
(ICE and John look at the camera as they break the fourth wall.)
ICE: Well, come on now, pick already, this conversation is going nowhere after all.
John: Hey! I resistant that!
TIME TO....CHOOSE YOUR ICE AGE ADVENTURE!!
If you want ICE to go and do Stand Up at a still open local bar go to Chapter 13 in this color.
If you want ICE to shoot with purpose go to Chapter 15 in this color.
Chapter 11: Bad Boys...Bad Boys...Whatca’ gonna do?
(The cop comes walking over to ICE, a local hero, a man of the people, champion of the world...who is still pretty drunk.)
Officer Carter: Mr. Beckman, how’s it hanging?
ICE: Long and low.
Officer Carter: Keeping out of trouble?
ICE: Nope.
Officer Carter: Always with the jokes.
ICE: No, seriously, I have committed like three crimes in the last hour alone.
Officer Carter: Well at least it is only three.
ICE: Seriously, I can do whatever I want in this town...being the World Champ and local legend, huh?
Officer Carter: Well I don’t know about that.
ICE: I think so...so in other words, give me your gun. I want to shoot something.
Officer Carter: I don’t think that is a good idea...how about you just find a way home or better yet show me a few of those funny comics you make.
ICE: I don’t know, my finger is pretty itchy and I bet you dance really well...with some lead motivation helping out that is.
Officer Carter: So you want me to give you my gun, so you can shot at me?
ICE: Near you.
Officer Carter: That doesn’t seem like a smart choice on my end.
ICE: Hey every week people make poor decisions, like when my opponent comes to win after saying things like “I am going to win” or ‘Shut up ICE, I am not a jobber fish waiting to be hooked.”
Officer Carter: Maybe just show me the comics, or like I said find a way home.
TIME TO....CHOOSE YOUR ICE AGE ADVENTURE!!
If you want ICE to show his comics go to Chapter 14 in this color.
If you want ICE to find a ride home go to Chapter 12 in this color.
Chapter 12: Travel Sickness
(PJ comes back from a good long pee, giggling to himself about how he peed on an ant hill. Slowly a car begins to pull up to them, a very long, a very old Chrysler station-wagon. The who car seems to be titling towards the passenger’s side as it comes a rolling stop. The window rolls down and a very large...like Cairo’s ego large...lady smiles at PJ.)
Dee’s Mom: Hey boys, need a ride.
PJ: Hehehehe.
ICE: I don’t get it.
DEE: They are talking about doing...what God calls a SIN, MOM!!!
Dee’s Mom: Oh Little Bear, we are both adults. We can do what we want...where we want...however we want.
PJ: Hehehehe.
ICE: Again what the fuck is going on?
Dee’s Mom: Just get in the car.
(PJ is eager to climb in as ICE is dragged in by PJ. Dee starts going down the street, but is way more focused on the strange energy in the vehicle.)
DEE: We are all going straight home and I don’t want any talking!
ICE: Dee, I have never seen you so mad...well, without crying at the same time.
Dee’s Mom My Little Bear does like a good cry.
DEE: Don’t call me that, especially with you and PJ doing....urgh.
PJ: It! Dee, we are doing “It.” Also known as bear wrestling.
DEE: Why do you call it that.
ICE: For someone who doesn’t want to talk about it, you sure are fucking talking about it a lot Dee.
DEE: I just want to know why PJ just called it Bear Wrestling?!
Dee’s Mom: It’s just our name for...well.
PJ: She calls me Big Bear all the time in-.
DEE: Oh my god! I can’t take this! My Little Bear nickname is ruined!!
Dee’s Mom: Oh come on now Little Bear.
ICE: Alright....ENOUGH!!!
(ICE doesn’t even wait for the car to slow down, just opens the door and falls out knowing the all the padding he needs is flowing through his blood. Dee doesn’t even stop as the three continue what is probably the strangest chapter to date.)
ICE: I need something to forget that...like fucking now.
TIME TO....CHOOSE YOUR ICE AGE ADVENTURE!!
If you want ICE to rant to the Gods of nature go to Chapter 15 in this color.
If you want ICE to make some comics go to Chapter 14 in this color.
Chapter 13: It’s free comedy, what do you expect?
(ICE Beckman walks out on stage. He taps the mic a few times before beginning his set.)
ICE: So I got a big match this weekend, and when I say big, I mean big like Bobby’s Cairo.
Heckler: You already used that joke.
ICE: Oh, but I only thought that joke.
Heckler: Good point, but the joke needs work.
ICE: When I say big, I mean like the size of Kaz’s secret hatred of Bobby Cairo.
Heckler: That is more of an insult than a joke.
ICE: Well not all my jokes can be as funny as STJ in the ring!!
Heckler: Focus on your opponents this week!!!
ICE: All fucking right, who the fuck that out there yelling at me?!!
Heckler: Steve Granderson!
ICE: Well Steve, time to get my revenge!
Heckler: What you gonna do? Fight me? I got all my boys here with me.
ICE: That would be fun...but not as fun as telling your wife about you fucking her sister.
Heckler: How do you know that?
ICE: My friend Buck Fucker is fucking the sister too.
Heckler: SHIT! GET UM BOYS!!
(ICE runs off stage, but is quick to hide in the dark as the goons all run past.)
ICE: Seems like the joke is on them....hmmm, that was really more a pun than a joke, fuck now I am heckling myself. I need to get back to business one way or another.
TIME TO....CHOOSE YOUR ICE AGE ADVENTURE!!
If you want ICE to work on some comics head to Chapter 14 in this color.
If you want ICE to rant like a pro go to Chapter 15 in this color.
Chapter 14: It’s what you’ve been waiting for...
ICE: Alright, there is no choices left, time to get the truth off my World Champion chest. So go right to the final chapter now...
Chapter 15: When you speak the facts long explanations aren’t necessary.
ICE: Fuck this shit, let’s keep it simple, I know Bobby and Kaz like to go on and on, talk some much shit they even believe their hype even though somewhere deep down inside the facts are hard and real. I beat Bobby at ONE, fair and straight in the middle of the ring. ZMAC is a fucking warrior, he is fighting to keep my title like it is his own. He is hungry, mad and pissed off and ready to end this crap known at the Pussyduck Saints. And finally I have put together the best fucking thing ever and that is my time creating the ICE AGE. You are all fucking Welcome for the house ICE built...fuck the past, fuck the legends, the hall of famers, right NOW is the best the WCF has ever been. Now longer do we waste our time with backstage bullshit, we handle it in the ring, like true competitors, with hard work, creativity and pure drive. And at TimeBomb I keep it just like these words, straight and simple, I want to hurt, I want more Gold, I want bodies bleeding, I want my arm raised...and by now we all know, I get what I want.
(ICE's leaves you now, off to a whole new adventure at Timebomb.)
Choose Your Own ICE AGE Adventure
(The cold shock of winter wind is as welcome as the third slap on the mat to the WCF World Champion. ICE Beckman is feeling the wild ride of alcohol, meaning the concept of free will is more foreign to him than the gibberish that spews from the cunt mouths of the Saints. ICE sees a dark image, maybe a bear off in the distance.)
ICE: Must be a fucking bear it is digging through a dumpster.
(ICE thinks back to his life-long dream of killing a bear with his bare hands.)
ICE: Just like Grizzly fucking Adams...or was he friends with the bear, I fucking forget.
(ICE looks around and ponders his glorious and wonderful drunk talk being wasted on no one; that is however until the wind whispers at his ear...for you see ICE Beckman grew up hunting the woods like a wolf, finding shelter from the cold like a wild creature, talents and skills that he uses in the ring when times get tough. Talents and skills he uses out of the ring as well, weather it be wooing a hard lady soft, dealing with harsh sins from God h the comfort of a joke or watering down problems but never backing away from them with a false reality. ICE looks back again as the large dark figure again grunts with pleasure.)
ICE: Time to fight.
(But the booze begins to tickle at his dick like a devil on the shoulder.)
ICE: Then again Chelsea’s sexy voice is only a call away.
TIME TO....CHOOSE YOUR ICE AGE ADVENTURE!!
If you want ICE to call Chelsea in attempt for Phone Sex go to Chapter 2 in this color.
If you want ICE to fight the shadowy figure go to Chapter 3 in this color.
Chapter 2: Hello, is this Chelsea?
(The phone is ringing...ringing...ICE is feeling the blood rush from his head as his brain is flooded with images of her sexy eyes, her curvy ass, her luscious tits, her pink-)
Other End of Phone: Hello?
ICE: I want to fuck you so hard right now?
Other End of Phone: What? Is this cookie monster.
ICE: Wait...is this is fuc-, I mean, is this Chelsea’s daughter Shelley?
Shelley: ICE dude, is that you?
ICE: Hey...whoa...hey, can I talk to your mommy please?
Shelley: Wanna play hide and go seek?
ICE: Um, that isn’t really a long distance game.
Shelley: Please? Pretty Please ICE dude?
ICE: Fine, give the phone to your mom and then go hide.
(ICE hears the phone being passed over as uses the moment to excuses himself a few large beer burps into the night air as he takes a moment to picture his arm once again raised over Bobby.)
Chelsea: Hello?
ICE: Chels, babe, I got something to admit.
Chelsea: Did you swear in front of my kid again?
ICE: Um, I have two things to admit.
Chelsea: Alright, besides the swearing, what you got?
ICE: I want you...like WANT WANT...naked and covered in something.
Chelsea: Like something sweet?
ICE: I’m sweet...so, fuck yeah.
Chelsea: Listen I got to go, for some reason Shelley is trying to crawl and hide in the washing machine.
ICE: Alright, fine, you save her, but I am coming for you...(ICE hears another grunt from the shadow creature)...maybe.
TIME TO....CHOOSE YOUR ICE AGE ADVENTURE!!
If you want ICE to head for Chelsea in attempt for Real Sex go to Chapter 4 in this color.
If you want their conversation to continue go to Chapter 5 in this color.
Chapter 3: Dealing with a hungry bear.
(ICE stumbles over to the side of the bar. What light there is gives him enough indication that there is life around; like when Kaz speaks, you know he is alive, even if the noises coming from his mouth seem to turn into a chorus of grunts.)
ICE: Alright Yogi, time to face the ICE AGE.
(The creature roars.)
ICE: Hey, STJ didn’t like getting his ass beat either, but that bitch kept coming back for me, so in other words Winnie, time to take it like a man.
“Yes! I always thought you knew I was tough!”
ICE: Whoa, a talking bear...I am going to be on the news for kicking the crap out of the first ever talking bear.
“Bear, is that my new nickname?”
ICE: Wait, fuck....PJ, get the fuck out hear.
(The fat man hanging in the shadows walks away from the dumpster and into the light where ICE and the world can see he is Drunk Money Inc. Crew Member, PJ.)
PJ: Bear! I like it. Better than my old nickname...Dickhead Bastard.
ICE: I don’t remember anyone calling you that.
PJ: Oh my ex-wife called me that all the time.
ICE: Now that you mention it, didn’t Dee’s Mom called you that a bunch?
PJ: Oh man...I am horny...and drunk...but mostly horny. I need to call her, quick before I vomit.
ICE: Your ex?
PJ: No way, Dee’s mom, she might be as big as a cow, but her tits taste good as a, uh cows. Now quick give me your phone...before I puke.
ICE: I am confused about a lot of things, why talking to Dee’s mom won’t make you puke, why Seth thinks it’s fair to put my World title up in a tag match, but mostly how could anyone find Dee’s mom hot?
TIME TO....CHOOSE YOUR ICE AGE ADVENTURE!!
If you want ICE to give his phone to PJ so he can booty call Dee’s mom go to Chapter 7 in this color.
If you want ICE deny his phone to PJ and watch PJ puke his guts go to Chapter 6 in this color.
Chapter 4: Off to the airport to get off!
(ICE Beckman sits down on a nearby rock, his head spinning like a child’s fun on a Merry-Go-Round. He begins to call for a taxi.)
Airport Taxi Service: Hello, this is Airport Taxi Service, “we drive, you fly, we both win”.
ICE: That it is a terrible phrase.
Airport Taxi Service: Well they rejected my idea, “We service you all the way to the clouds.”
ICE: That is even worse.
Airport Taxi Service: That is not what Vincent told me last night.
ICE: Wait, are you one of those gays?
Airport Taxi Service: What did you just say?
ICE: Hey no offense, I just had a few research questions...I am wrestling a few dick lovers this weekend.
Airport Taxi Service: Oh wow, in a underground club or what?
ICE: No, in front of thousands...at an arena.
Airport Taxi Service: Oh wow, this must be happening in the Orient then.
ICE: No, actually Texas.
Airport Taxi Service: I’ve heard that they had steers and- wait, I gotta go my supervisor is calling me over and he looks mad. He always gets mad when I chit chat up the callers.
(The phone clicks as the conversation ends.)
ICE: Fucking dick lovers, all they think about is themselves...how thick their dick is...or how thick they can get their friend or the front row...fuck, I don’t get it...and I didn’t get my cab. But that does give me an idea for a Top Ten List....(Another roar comes from the shadows near the dumpster)...is that ZMAC or a bear or what?
TIME TO....CHOOSE YOUR ICE AGE ADVENTURE!!
If you want ICE to tell nature about his Top Ten List go to Chapter 8 in this color.
If you want ICE to finally figure out about the shadowy figure go to Chapter 3 in this color.
Chapter 5: Future Questions Open Wounded Answers
(ICE goes to hang up the phone her simple words stop him; words every man knows is a storm front coming in, much like Kaz knows he can’t hang when people say things like “three legends and a kaz” at Timebomb.)
Chelsea: Hold on a second ICE, we need to talk.
ICE: Ok, I am touching my-
Chelsea: No...actually talk...about our future.
ICE: All of a sudden Mr. Happy just said bye-bye.
Chelsea: That’s not the name we agreed for it...damn, you ICE...this is what I am talking about, you always joking. How am I supposed to see a future with such a man?
ICE: Well thanks for the pep talk Roman.
Chelsea: You know what, maybe we should talk sometime when you aren’t drunk.
ICE: Hmmm, that might take a while, I played take a drink when you think about something the Saints do that annoy me tonight...hence, my breath could start a fire when near an open flame.
Chelsea: Another joke.
ICE: Alright, fuck the jokes, fuck the routine, you want to know about us, about me and you and our future...the truth of the matter is what once started out as fun, has turned into a serious relationship that has turned into me possible popping....oh fuck!
Chelsea: Popping...what? Are you touching yourself?
ICE: No, no, not that. Someone is just drove up...for now Chelsea, I love being with you and I don’t want that to change...you hear me?
Chelsea: I do...I truly do...have a good night babe.
(ICE watches the vehicle pull up.)
ICE: I wonder what this is about.
(ICE bends down, as images of Kaz crying over the fallen body of Bobby pops like entertainment popcorn in his head.)
TIME TO....CHOOSE YOUR ICE AGE ADVENTURE!!
If you want ICE to have to talk with the Cops go to Chapter 11 in this color.
If you want ICE to chat with his older brother John Beckman go to Chapter 10 in this color.
Chapter 6: PJ THE POWERFUL PUKER!!!
(ICE watches PJ dry heave, like a cat fighting a hairball, ICE watches PJ bend over like Kaz and then begin to vomit like Bobby making a promo.)
ICE: Holy shit PJ!
(PJ’s damn is broke and the vomit is flowing.)
ICE: What did you eat?
PJ: Six bags of skittles.
(PJ vomits.)
ICE: Taste the rainbow...twice.
PJ: And...some KFC.
(PJ vomits, wiping his mouth clean with the back of his hand.)
ICE: Finger liking good.
PJ: Oh and a bunch of spoonful’s of expired mayonnaise...you know to get my daily dairy-
(PJ vomits like a water balloon springing a leak.)
ICE: Well, this is a terrible adventure so far, that is for sure. And great here comes the fucking cops...you know what PJ, I think it’s time for me to pull a Bobby and quit on this....I got a girl to see.
PJ: Please ICE man, stay, I need you to talk to them. So, what are you doing?
TIME TO....CHOOSE YOUR ICE AGE ADVENTURE!!
If you want ICE to stay and help PJ deal with the boys in blue go to Chapter 11 in this color.
If you want ICE to head for Chelsea go to Chapter 4 in this color.
Chapter 7: PJ goes for the MILF Booty Call
(PJ takes the phone from ICE and is eager to dial the number for Dee’s Mom’s house. The vomit begins to go down PJ’s throat as it rises in ICE’s.)
PJ: It’s ringing...
ICE: I don’t care.
PJ: It is still ringing.
ICE: And I still don’t care.
PJ: Hello...mother lover.
ICE: And now I am going to vomit.
PJ: Don’t vomit or I will...no honey bear I was talking to ICE, not you...wait, this is Dee? Oh shit.
ICE: And suddenly this Foam Lake late night road just became the Maury show, now where is Johnny Fly?
PJ: SHHH ICE, I don’t want Dee to know I want to bang his mom....oh, crap the phone is still on.
ICE: That’s it, I have to make a series of jokes...before I explode.
(On the other end of the phone you can hear Dee’s high pitched voice screaming at PJ about making his mom an honest lady and something about Superman.)
PJ: Stop yelling DEE...No, ICE, don’t wonder off yet...I just heard Dee’s Mom say she is coming to get us in her car. So come on stay, she is really fat, she is bound to bring us cookies or something. So, will ya stay ICE man?
TIME TO....CHOOSE YOUR ICE AGE ADVENTURE!!
If you want ICE to go and do Stand Up at a still open local bar go to Chapter 13 in this color.
If you want ICE to stay with PJ and this disgusting booty call thing go to Chapter 12 in this color.
Chapter 8: Letterman would sue if he knew about these.
(ICE looks up at the stars in the cold and still sky. For each very bright star he sees he counts off another item on this week’s top ten list. A wolf howls in the distance like a director giving ICE his actor cue.)
ICE: I like that idea...thanks Wolf friend...and I don’t mean Chase Michaels...I don’t think that guy ever liked me...anyways, without further ado...here is the Top Ten Reasons Seth’s hates me...hence the reason for this bullshit match he booked me in at Timebomb.
(ICE pulls out his emergency whiskey flask, which is hidden in his coat pocket between his emergency vodka flask and his emergency rum flask.)
ICE: Number Ten: Seth is dealing with wrestlers crying about having to face the ICE AGE....Number Nine: He lost his chance to get into Heaven after booking STJ to get destroyed by me so many times...Number Eight: ICE AGE don’t buy as much vendor beer as redneck fans since many of them focus on hard narcotic drugs...Number Seven: Seth has mommy issues; which the reason he hates lots of things...Number Six: ICE actually has friends in the WCF...Number Five: ICE has actually got sex without paying for it...Number Four: ICE is a cooler, better, more fun drunk...Number Three: Buddy Roman, enough said...Number Two: Seth Sucks _____ (many words work in the blank, just try it!)...And the Number One Seth hates ICE Beckman...All those really mean comics I made about him, duh.
(ICE gives himself a round of applause.)
ICE: Now, what is next?
TIME TO....CHOOSE YOUR ICE AGE ADVENTURE!!
If you want ICE’s phone to ring go to Chapter 9 in this color.
If you want ICE to take the stage with some stand-up go to Chapter 13 in this color.
Chapter 9: ICE’s Mother...remember her?
(ICE’s phone rings...and rings...and rings...so he picks it up, with a sigh and a burp into the speaker.)
Mother: So is that how we speak to our mother now then?
ICE: Oh sorry, I didn’t know we spoke anymore. Tell me who exactly are you again?
Mother: Yes, I know you like to hide behind those jokes, but we need to talk about your true father.
ICE: You mean Father Roman?
Mother: I mean the man whose DNA you have running through your veins.
ICE: You mean Father Roman?
Mother: I mean the man who gave you life.
ICE: Again, do you mean Father Roman?
Mother: That man is not your father.
ICE: That man is my father, my family, my role model, my mentor, shall I continue.
Mother: Oh Natural, my dear poor boy.
ICE: Well I see this conversation is going to come with a side of pity, that’s a new twist.
Mother: I have been thinking, and I wanted to say something to you....Natural, for what I did to you as a baby...I am....gosh this is difficult.
ICE: Sorry mom.
Mother: That’s the word I was going for.
ICE: Sorry, but I don’t have time for you...talk to you next time you go on a guilt trip.
(ICE hangs up the phone and looks around, feeling his blood pressure pushing up inside his hate factory. ICE begins to inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale.)
ICE: Alright, time to shake that off...maybe a little comedy to lighten the mood...or perhaps I could mess with someone...Bobby is a bully after all, I might as well get in some mind, body and soul type training.
TIME TO....CHOOSE YOUR ICE AGE ADVENTURE!!
If you want ICE to go and do Stand Up at a still open local bar go to Chapter 13 in this color.
If you want ICE to mess with the next person he finds go to Chapter 11 in this color.
Chapter 10: Mr. Money Bags aka the older Beckman brother.
(John Beckman walks over to his brother after parking his sleek black BMW on the side of the road.)
John: Saw a guy standing out here like a lost moose, and I knew it was you.
ICE: Are you saying I am drunk who wonders the night like a weirdo?
John: Yes, that is exactly what I am saying.
ICE: Just making sure.
John: So, talking to the trees, telling stories to the sky, maybe you found a talking beaver to discuss fart jokes with.
ICE: Now that you mention it I haven’t seen Big Teeth Randy since my last Acid trip.
John: You sure you’re ready for Seth’s little trap at Timebomb?
ICE: I could whine about it.
John: You did whine about it, last week on Slam.
ICE: Well then I can cross that off my list, now the only thing left is to kick ass and become a double champ.
John: You know I always thought too much Gold on a man was tacky.
ICE: Trust me I will wear it well...like Mr. T, but with more attitude and less sucka talk.
John: Then again, you could-
ICE: I am not dropping my title to you.
John: Fine, I don’t remember where I left my wrestling gear anyhow.
ICE: Probably why you just ordered more.
John: What did I say about you going through my mail?!
ICE: I didn’t...PJ did...and by the way he stole your L.L. Bean catalogue again.
John: He knows that isn’t a gentlemen’s magazine right?
ICE: He says anything can be porn with a good image...now if you will excuse me I do have some talking to do.
John: Talking to the trees it is.
ICE: Or maybe I drop made rhymes on the mic....or maybe not.
John: Good idea.
ICE: But I might need to kill it on stage...what you think I should do?
John: That’s not my choice, it’s theirs.
(ICE and John look at the camera as they break the fourth wall.)
ICE: Well, come on now, pick already, this conversation is going nowhere after all.
John: Hey! I resistant that!
TIME TO....CHOOSE YOUR ICE AGE ADVENTURE!!
If you want ICE to go and do Stand Up at a still open local bar go to Chapter 13 in this color.
If you want ICE to shoot with purpose go to Chapter 15 in this color.
Chapter 11: Bad Boys...Bad Boys...Whatca’ gonna do?
(The cop comes walking over to ICE, a local hero, a man of the people, champion of the world...who is still pretty drunk.)
Officer Carter: Mr. Beckman, how’s it hanging?
ICE: Long and low.
Officer Carter: Keeping out of trouble?
ICE: Nope.
Officer Carter: Always with the jokes.
ICE: No, seriously, I have committed like three crimes in the last hour alone.
Officer Carter: Well at least it is only three.
ICE: Seriously, I can do whatever I want in this town...being the World Champ and local legend, huh?
Officer Carter: Well I don’t know about that.
ICE: I think so...so in other words, give me your gun. I want to shoot something.
Officer Carter: I don’t think that is a good idea...how about you just find a way home or better yet show me a few of those funny comics you make.
ICE: I don’t know, my finger is pretty itchy and I bet you dance really well...with some lead motivation helping out that is.
Officer Carter: So you want me to give you my gun, so you can shot at me?
ICE: Near you.
Officer Carter: That doesn’t seem like a smart choice on my end.
ICE: Hey every week people make poor decisions, like when my opponent comes to win after saying things like “I am going to win” or ‘Shut up ICE, I am not a jobber fish waiting to be hooked.”
Officer Carter: Maybe just show me the comics, or like I said find a way home.
TIME TO....CHOOSE YOUR ICE AGE ADVENTURE!!
If you want ICE to show his comics go to Chapter 14 in this color.
If you want ICE to find a ride home go to Chapter 12 in this color.
Chapter 12: Travel Sickness
(PJ comes back from a good long pee, giggling to himself about how he peed on an ant hill. Slowly a car begins to pull up to them, a very long, a very old Chrysler station-wagon. The who car seems to be titling towards the passenger’s side as it comes a rolling stop. The window rolls down and a very large...like Cairo’s ego large...lady smiles at PJ.)
Dee’s Mom: Hey boys, need a ride.
PJ: Hehehehe.
ICE: I don’t get it.
DEE: They are talking about doing...what God calls a SIN, MOM!!!
Dee’s Mom: Oh Little Bear, we are both adults. We can do what we want...where we want...however we want.
PJ: Hehehehe.
ICE: Again what the fuck is going on?
Dee’s Mom: Just get in the car.
(PJ is eager to climb in as ICE is dragged in by PJ. Dee starts going down the street, but is way more focused on the strange energy in the vehicle.)
DEE: We are all going straight home and I don’t want any talking!
ICE: Dee, I have never seen you so mad...well, without crying at the same time.
Dee’s Mom My Little Bear does like a good cry.
DEE: Don’t call me that, especially with you and PJ doing....urgh.
PJ: It! Dee, we are doing “It.” Also known as bear wrestling.
DEE: Why do you call it that.
ICE: For someone who doesn’t want to talk about it, you sure are fucking talking about it a lot Dee.
DEE: I just want to know why PJ just called it Bear Wrestling?!
Dee’s Mom: It’s just our name for...well.
PJ: She calls me Big Bear all the time in-.
DEE: Oh my god! I can’t take this! My Little Bear nickname is ruined!!
Dee’s Mom: Oh come on now Little Bear.
ICE: Alright....ENOUGH!!!
(ICE doesn’t even wait for the car to slow down, just opens the door and falls out knowing the all the padding he needs is flowing through his blood. Dee doesn’t even stop as the three continue what is probably the strangest chapter to date.)
ICE: I need something to forget that...like fucking now.
TIME TO....CHOOSE YOUR ICE AGE ADVENTURE!!
If you want ICE to rant to the Gods of nature go to Chapter 15 in this color.
If you want ICE to make some comics go to Chapter 14 in this color.
Chapter 13: It’s free comedy, what do you expect?
(ICE Beckman walks out on stage. He taps the mic a few times before beginning his set.)
ICE: So I got a big match this weekend, and when I say big, I mean big like Bobby’s Cairo.
Heckler: You already used that joke.
ICE: Oh, but I only thought that joke.
Heckler: Good point, but the joke needs work.
ICE: When I say big, I mean like the size of Kaz’s secret hatred of Bobby Cairo.
Heckler: That is more of an insult than a joke.
ICE: Well not all my jokes can be as funny as STJ in the ring!!
Heckler: Focus on your opponents this week!!!
ICE: All fucking right, who the fuck that out there yelling at me?!!
Heckler: Steve Granderson!
ICE: Well Steve, time to get my revenge!
Heckler: What you gonna do? Fight me? I got all my boys here with me.
ICE: That would be fun...but not as fun as telling your wife about you fucking her sister.
Heckler: How do you know that?
ICE: My friend Buck Fucker is fucking the sister too.
Heckler: SHIT! GET UM BOYS!!
(ICE runs off stage, but is quick to hide in the dark as the goons all run past.)
ICE: Seems like the joke is on them....hmmm, that was really more a pun than a joke, fuck now I am heckling myself. I need to get back to business one way or another.
TIME TO....CHOOSE YOUR ICE AGE ADVENTURE!!
If you want ICE to work on some comics head to Chapter 14 in this color.
If you want ICE to rant like a pro go to Chapter 15 in this color.
Chapter 14: It’s what you’ve been waiting for...
ICE: Alright, there is no choices left, time to get the truth off my World Champion chest. So go right to the final chapter now...
Chapter 15: When you speak the facts long explanations aren’t necessary.
ICE: Fuck this shit, let’s keep it simple, I know Bobby and Kaz like to go on and on, talk some much shit they even believe their hype even though somewhere deep down inside the facts are hard and real. I beat Bobby at ONE, fair and straight in the middle of the ring. ZMAC is a fucking warrior, he is fighting to keep my title like it is his own. He is hungry, mad and pissed off and ready to end this crap known at the Pussyduck Saints. And finally I have put together the best fucking thing ever and that is my time creating the ICE AGE. You are all fucking Welcome for the house ICE built...fuck the past, fuck the legends, the hall of famers, right NOW is the best the WCF has ever been. Now longer do we waste our time with backstage bullshit, we handle it in the ring, like true competitors, with hard work, creativity and pure drive. And at TimeBomb I keep it just like these words, straight and simple, I want to hurt, I want more Gold, I want bodies bleeding, I want my arm raised...and by now we all know, I get what I want.
(ICE's leaves you now, off to a whole new adventure at Timebomb.)
Choose Your Own ICE AGE Adventure