Post by Natural ICE Beckman on Dec 6, 2014 22:53:53 GMT -5
You are watching ICE AGE TV...home of coolest entertainment around...
PLAY
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(Young Natural ICE is sitting outside the Foam Lake orphanage holding a suitcase and a happy meal as a Beckman family drives away with a tire squeal.)
Lil’ ICE: Mommy? Daddy?
(The wind blows in a silence.)
Lil’ ICE: Oh My God...My Parents Left Me Home Alone....FOR LIFE!!
(Two random criminals walk up to him.)
Criminal Harry: You got anything we would want to steal?
Criminal Marv: Nah, forget it Harry, he is just a stupid orphan.
(The two slime ball robbers walk away.)
Lil’ ICE: Fine, but one day I will be World Champion and then I will stop you from stealing my shit with the help of micro-machines, a blow torch, a tarantula and no help at all from the local police!!!
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(Two sports caster at a sports new desk smile at the camera.)
Sportscaster Ken: In other news Natural ICE Beckman wins again.
Sportscaster Ron: That isn’t news; he wins all the time.
Sportscaster Ken: Fine, here is news, some NFL douchebag has been allowed back into the league.
Sportscaster Ron: You mean Adrian “Ray” Dwyer? That isn’t news either!!
Sportscaster Ken: Fine, here is some real breaking news then...I am Sleeping With Your Wife!
Sportscaster Ron: Fine someone might as well.
Sportscaster Ken: And your Pool Boy Marco!!!
Sportscaster Ron: Not my Marco Polo Rolo!!
Sportscaster Ken: He’s my Marco Polo Rolo NOW!!
Sportscaster Ron: You are such a bitch...I’m glad I’ve been rubbing your make-up brush on my taint for the last 2 years!!
Sportscaster Ken: Hey! That’s how I got Cheek Crabs!!!
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Narrator: You are watching G.N.N.: The Gonzo News Network
(The show cuts to an boring guy trying to look interesting and busy with rolled up sleeves, a fresh cup of joe and a pen behind each ear.)
Anderson Gonzo: Hey, welcome back, where heard Hunter is on the street with some new news from Ferguson, Missouri.
(The feed cuts to Hunter on a dark and quiet street.)
Hunter: Yes, a car went by about 10 minutes ago...now they didn’t say anything about going to a riot, but I can only assume they were.
Anderson Gonzo: Wow, I mean truly wow. Anything else to report Hunter?
Hunter: Um, well, this might be news worthy!!
(Hunter runs full speed into a nearby Stop sign.)
Anderson Gonzo: Wow, that was something...Literally Something!!
Hunter: Urgh, and now I feel...a little in pain.
Anderson Gonzo: Tell me, was that a white stop sign and also, aren’t you part black?
Hunter: Actually I think it was a red stop sign with white borders, and I am part black now with my new eye wound.
Anderson Gonzo: White on Black Crime you heard it here first on GNN...now maybe next time there is a little more on the explosive side of the news.
Hunter: Got ya Gonzo Anderson, more explosions next time...
(The show begins to cut back to the studio.)
Hunter: There is a lot of blood flow into my eye socket...if anyone cares.
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Narrator: Do you kind of drink, but most the time just talk a big game?
(A man sitting at his wobbling table with a bowl of off brand cereal combined with powdered milk dripping off his spoon looks like a moron into the camera.)
Man: Wha?
Narrator: Are you nothing but a Jayson Price drunk?!!
Man: Well, I have no job, expect for every now and then I sleep in a church and find change thrown on my passed out body?
Narrator: Wanna score like a real winner?
Man: I do, I really do.
Narrator: Then start drinking WHOOP ASS BEER!! Beer so good in taste and so strong in alcohol content it doesn’t matter what happens the night before, because you won’t remember it!!
Man: So when I ate all that spaghetti from a trash can?
Narrator: You won’t remember it!!
Man: When I cried over losing my pimp connection and then masturbated to a Wendy’s commercial?
Narrator: You won’t remember it!!
Man: When I sucked off a Fly and he injected his babies into my brain?
Narrator: You won’t-...wait, what is your name Price?...I mean, that shit is sick...I mean uh, BUY WHOOP ASS BEER!!
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(Sunday morning spirit now a days mea big church like arenas dressed up with dance lights and a kick ass sound system...and the Steeltoe Reverend claps his hands to the sheep teens like the true monkey he is.)
Reverend Joe: So much spirit, so much youth in the house, it makes me want to Ejaculate!!
(The parents in the crowd look at one another.)
Reverend Joe: I am a man of God, although I am not exactly sure of what he would say of this scene...probably something like, “What? I only speak Latin?”
(Now parents exchange confused looks.)
Reverend Joe: Hey, who wants to see my Title of the People?!!?
(The youth in the crowd cheers.)
Revered Joe: I call it...The Naïve-ity Scene...Hence the Jesus with the Blindfold and the Three Wise Kings in which he really fears.
Father in the Crowd: Wait, what is he doing to that little Jesus baby?
Mother in the Crowd: It looks like he is making it go down on his- OH LORD!!
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(The Late Night Show hosts adjusts his suit, pokes his tongue between his tooth gap and relays on same old joke.)
Reb Letterman: Haha, and the Top Ten List this week is...Top Ten Reasons No One Visits the South.
(The studio audience laughs and cheers at sheer title of the list.)
Reb Letterman: #10...Um, something, something the Civil War.
(Everyone laughs but Reb Letterman.)
Reb Letterman: #9...We in the South are dump...I mean...dumb.
(Everyone laughs again.)
Reb Letterman: #8...Gonzo is a funny name for a man.
(Even Reb Letterman found that one funny.)
Reb Letterman: #7...Most Southern People date their Sister...And Her Mother.
(The studio audience laughs real hard while Letterman is getting pissed.)
Reb Letterman: #6...Southern People forget why we make fun of them due to moonshine poisoning.
(The crowd laughs louder more now more than ever...and even Reb Letterman begins laughing...maybe because of the moonshine.)
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Young Stud: Whoop Ass Beer.
PJ: Whoop Ass Beer gave you that six pack of Abs!
Young Stud: They sure did.
PJ: So that six pack of abs came from a 7 pack of Whoop Ass Beer?
DEE (off camera): The line is...”FROM A SIX PACK OF A WHOOP ASS BEER”!!
PJ: Well sorry I finally figured out how to carry the one!!!
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(The Muppets Christmas Special warms out hearts and confuses our kids.)
Gonzo: So, you really do love me?!
Ms. Piggy: No way Bub!!
Gonzo: Fine then stick my crocked nose up your ass, you bacon bitch.
Ms. Piggy: Now were talking; Kermit is a dud in the sack! GO for it Blue Lover Boy.
Gonzo: Actually that is too weird for even me.
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(Hunter S. Thompson pulls the long cigarette holder from his mouth, adjusts his interesting hat, then runs a hand over his wrinkles and look into the camera.)
Hunter S. Thompson: Fuck Bill Murray, Fuck Johnny Deep, Hell Fuck anyone who rips off ME!!
(The interviewer looks like a deer caught in the head lights of a bad interview.)
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(A home town bar welcomes Natural ICE Beckman into the establishment with not just a single cheers rather a whole array of sitcom classics.)
Drunks: ICE!!!!
ICE: Hello Everybody.
Handsome Bartender: What is the good word?
ICE: Beer. Fucking Duh!!
(Studio audience laughs.)
Joey: How you doin’?
ICE: Get away from me Flash!
Joey: But I am new and king of the TV. And now a Friend of yours!!!
Buddy Honeymooner: One of these days Jobber, Bang Zoom, Right to the Moon!!!
Little Orbit: What you talkin’ ‘bout fool?
ICE: Can everyone just chill; and someone get me a beer?
The Badger: You Got It Dude!!
Buddy Honeymooner: That is cute.
The Badger: The Badger Knows He is Cute...Badger don’t give a shit.
ICE: Where everybody knows my name...fuck yeah!
Ice Cream Blizzard Man: Not ME!!!
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(The camera looks through a few dry stalks of prairie plants on the hunting themed program.)
Hunter #1: We are hunting wild Gonzo Deuces...a raw double breasted bird.
Hunter #2: I wish you were talking about my wife.
Hunter #1: Are you insulting your wife’s boobs?
Hunter #2: No, just saying she only has one boob after her surgery last year.
Hunter #1: Oh sorry was it breast cancer?
Hunter #2: No, I super accidently shot her.
Hunter #1: Interesting...keep that barrel pointing away from me, okay?!
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(Slow motion clips in black and white from every cool moment from Slam highlighting the Vapor Kings last week plays on the channel.)
Buddy as Narrator: The Few, The Honored, The Conquerors....Become a Vapor King Now...
(You hope at home....I SAID HOPE!!!)
Buddy as Narrator: Well Good Luck, because to deserve that honor is a long way from all of you...I said ALL of you...
(A clip of a man falling off a high wire tight rope from the 1920s shows on the screen with the words WCF Total Fail burning into the screen image.)
Buddy Roman: Conquer the...(static)...Hate...HATE...(static)....HATE!!
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Godzilla: GRRRRRR!!!
(The movie has a city landscape that is on fire. Meanwhile a rouge reporter is interviewing with a poorly dubbed video.)
Running Worker: AHHHHHHH!!!
Rouge Reporter: I have Cancer!!
Running Worker #2: AHHHHH!!!
Rouge Reporter: Don’t Tell Seth...although I am sure he knows.
Running Worker #3: I actually blog about the WCF all the time, how cool to meet you.
Rouge Reporter: AHHHH!!!
(Godzilla crushes them both like King Kong taught him how.)
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(A deserted island; with a long time running reality show.)
Adam: I am the villain.
Marcus: I don’t think the Survivor producers like us to just go out there an admit to what role we are going for.
Ryan: I have spent the most days out here without peeing, how much money did I win?
Marcus: That is not how it works at all.
Adam: I will take my million dollars now.
Marcus: Oh Dear God, Please Help Me.
Ryan: God? Is that the guy I ask about records?
Adam: He must have my million as well.
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(The American Gladiators entertains any screen it finds.)
Mike Adamle: Wow this is going to be some gauntlet event!
Larry Csonka: Whoever is going to win this is going to need a bunch of Turbo, Lighting and Blaze.
Mike Adamle: Also steroids are legal here on American Gladiators, so watch out.
Larry Csonka: Steroids? Sorry I haven’t heard of him.
Mike Adamle: You played football in the 1970s, of course you have.
Larry Csonka: Let’s talk about the gauntlet already!!
Mike Adamle: Fine, now I am sure you had to project your groin in a contact sport, right Larry?
Larry Csonka: Actually, I rarely had to worry about that.
Mike Adamle: I Knew It! You do Have Small Balls!!
(The fans with their free ticket from Universal Studios all cheer the word Balls.)
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(Soap Opera lighting with two hot lovers about to embrace.)
Woman: I love you.
Man: I love you.
Woman: Did you read the comic Seth Cries this morning?
Man: Talking about something I love.
Woman: Me too...that and your brother of course!
Man: I AM MY BROTHER!!
(The Casio keyboard goes nuts as the old ladies at home adjusts themselves with enjoyment...for whatever that means.)
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(Late Nite with ICE pops on with ICE doing the classic Johnny Carson “Carnac the Magnificent” bit or as your Champ calls it, the ICEMAN the Drunkificent” bit.)
ICE: Stop, Drop And Roll.
Satan’s Pizza McMahon (the dog): Bark!!
(ICE opens the envelope and pulls out the answer.)
ICE: Name three things that describe Deuce Murdock’s sex life.
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Helen Hunt: That is not just a Maelstorm; it is a Twister.
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Kevin Costner: I love golf and this movie called “Lin” Cup.
Cheech: That is like not the title of this movie at all, yo homie.
Kevin Costner: Neither is that accent...and actually I mean “Sin” Cup Jr.
Cheech: Now you are really disrespecting my people, your check better fucking clear homies!!
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(The commercial starts.)
Narrator: Eat Tyson Chicken...now %100 pure Chi-
ICE replacing Narrator: No, no, NO! I am not that mean!!! Or am I...Buddy? Can I get a ruling please, it isn’t like I made reference to sand ba-
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DEE: I am here with the Owner of WCF, Mr. Seth Lerch...well, I am Here with His Door...well for now...but soon hopefully actually him.
(DEE knocks on the door right next to the plaque that reads: Mr. Seth Lerch.)
DEE: Knock, knock, who is there? It is ME!!
(DEE waits.)
DEE: Me, Dee...ICE Beckman’s friend.
(DEE hears a deadbolt lock on the other side as he frowns.)
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(A smiley sale women is doing her Vana White impression for a beautiful glass smoking pipe.)
QVC Lady: And our next item is this lovely Peace Pipe, perfect for your next 420 party or just relaxing after work.
(Suddenly a man dressed like Sadam Hussain comes walking on set.)
Saddam Hussian: Me No Like Peace!!
(He grabs the pipe and smashes it at the feet of the sales spokeswomen.)
Saddam Hussain: Make War, No Peace!
(He walks off the set.)
QVC Lady: Hey yo buddy boy, come back here...you owe me $19.99 plus shipping and handling fees!!
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Political News Anchor: Tonight my guets on Rage and Debate is Dr. VonSlate and H.C. Alex, and our issue tonight....Violence in Schools, Good or Bad?
Dr. VonSlate: Um, Bad?
H.C. Alex: Yes, I agree, bad.
Political News Anchor Wait, you two can’t agree, that is not a very entertaining!!
Dr. VonSlate: Sorry.
H.C. Alex: Yeah, uh, sorry.
Dr. VonSlate: Would it help if I said I think H.C. is a dumb name?
H.C. Alex: I will have you know that is was my grandfather’s name, it stands for Hunnington Chorus.
Dr. VonSlate: Oh now I can see why he changed it to just H.C.
H.C. Alex: Look who is talking, Von”Stale”.
Political News Anchor: Now we’re talking! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!!
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PJ: This beautiful super model loves Whoop Ass Beer...don’t you babe?
(The blonde super model in the biking looks down at the rotund PJ.)
Bikini Model: That is what they pay me to say, so yeah, I guess.
PJ: I drink a lot of Whoop Ass Beer, can you tell?
Bikini Model: I can, I really can.
PJ: So does that make you want to have sex with me?
Bikini Model: No...it makes me sick to think about.
PJ: Hey, that isn’t her next line in the script?!
(Director Dee calls from behind the camera.)
DEE: Yeah, what is with that Ms. Model Lady?
Bikini Model: Sorry, I know that isn’t the line but after looking at him...and smelling him...I just could say YES to his question.
PJ: Not the first time I’ve heard that, no matter how much the woman cost me.
DEE: Alright, time for another idea...CUT this Film...we need a five minute break!!
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Narrator: Sunday! Sunday! Sunday!!! It is the MONSTER TRUCK SHOW...Watch the Ultimate Destroyer Truck versus the Joey Flash Truck!
Announcer #1: And it is Sunday!! Like...now.
Announcer #2: Then what is with the hype?
Announcer #1: Our business is nothing but hype.
Announcer #2: That is why I find our business such a letdown.
Announcer #1: But the Monster Trucks crush cars?!!! Plus they have like BIG tires.
Announcer #2: Yes, but I would rather watch something that has an original outcome...I mean all the Ultimate Destroyer Truck ever does is crush cars and all the Joey Flash Truck does it crush cars.
Announcer #1: Do they really?
Announcer #2: Well one at least does...for now at least.
Announcer #1: I am sick of my life.
Announcer #2: Oh man that car totally got smashed...that was so awesome.
Announcer #1: Sure it was...on a related note, does this town have a Suicide Hotline?
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(Rachel Ray adds a little more wine aka fun to her dish as she takes a pull for herself as well.)
Rachael Ray: So I went to a wrestling event the other day. So I am making Seifer Black Burgers.
(Rachael Ray flips her beef patties.)
Rachael Ray: Now I know Seifer lost last week, but let’s try to make him better now. And then we have Ockool-Aid.
(Rachael Ray pulls out a pitcher and adds Sugar.)
Rachael Ray: He seems like a wild child or am I just drunk?
(Rachael takes a big long drink as the also tipsy studio audience claps along.)
Rachael Ray: Oh and my final dish...of course...what is it again?
Producer (of camera): Just IN Cake.
Rachael Ray: That is a stupid name for a cake.
Producer (of camera): Shhh, you already have two strikes against you with the NBC executives.
Rachael Ray: Oh fuck them, I always have the Food Network.
Producer (of camera): NBC also owns the Food Network.
Rachael Ray: Oh crap.
(Her food begins to burn.)
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Narrator: You are watching G.N.N.: The Gonzo News Network
Anderson Gonzo: Holy Wow...back to Ferguson.
Hunter: Ready to be shocked Anderson?
Anderson Gonzo: Nothing shocks me, not even dead babies. So try me.
Hunter: I found a mad African American.
Anderson Gonzo: Are they willing to talk on the air?
Hunter: I think so...let me ask.
Anderson Gonzo: Actually take your time, we need another commercial break.
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(ICE Beckman is walking through the center yard of a college campus.)
ICE: Hey there, Guy on Couch, Loser with No Job, Big Waste of Space...
(ICE motions “hold on now” with his palms exposed.)
ICE: But hey, don’t get mad at me, rather get even with the world by fighting back with the University of Vapor.
(ICE is walking through a dorm lobby.)
ICE: Live among the Vapor King wrestlers, learn how to hate and love and even shall I say kill...well, maybe, if you’re lucky enough to matter and be killed...but I digress...
(ICE is walking through a classroom.)
ICE: Learn how to conduct a successful business.
Professor Orbit: If the Bitch likes her Nap, Then the Pimp Gotta Slap!!!
(ICE walks towards the next classroom.)
ICE: Or our excellent Chemistry Department.
Professor ZMAC: And that is how you make meth.
(ICE moves along to statue of Buddy Roman with Dean Roman giving a speech under his rock made mascot twin.)
Dean Roman: Vapor King University is number one every list from athletics to zombies, from history to technology, and an attack towards it comes from nothing but a common community college like Armageddon Community College.
(ICE high fives a few students before turning towards the camera.)
ICE: Because at the University of Vapor if you make or do drugs you are already enrolled!!
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(Dee is leaning against the door of Seths office with a glass to hear inside better.)
DEE: Welcome back fans of WCF...I am Drunk Money Inc. member Dee. Waiting to talking to Seth...
(DEE leans away from the door.)
DEE: He is being stubborn so far...but I hope he opens it soon; I mean I have tried every secret knock I know already.
(Dee looks at the knob.)
DEE: Maybe I should try the knob; I mean ICE does bold thing all the time and he is World Champ.
(Dee inhales, exhales and worries.)
DEE: Hmm...biggest decision of my life...do I try the knob?
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(The North Pole is seen with elves darting around, reindeer bonding about and a very heavy candy cane like theme with all the decorations.)
Santa Claus: Fuck Jesus.
(The kids gathered at his feet seemed a bit taken a back.)
Santa Claus: Skinny Bitch Sandal Hippie has nothing on me.
(The kids start crying.)
Santa Claus: You are all getting XBOX ones!!
(The kids stop crying and soon begin laughing.)
Santa Claus: Now let’s talk about why Jesus sucks before Steeltoe shows up.
Kid: Everything you just said makes me feel uncomfortable; except for the Xbox giving statement.
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(And on this very special episode of the PBS show rip off called Armageddon Abby...)
Duke Steeltoe: We thou are a group now I guess.
Governor Murdock: Okay, but I call not being Butler.
Butler Eric: Fine, I will be butler, but I am taking lots and LOTS of breaks.
Sir Speede: I can’t wait for spring that is when the girls come out.
Duke Steeltoe-Toe: I just hope we thou be a group by spring.
(Piano music cuts in set the drama before...)
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(Here is some Must See TV about Nothing.)
Jerry Vaporfeld: What is the deal with jobbers? I mean like who wrestles just to lose? It is like a lemming going, “Sure jumping off that cliff seems like a good idea. Let’s ALL do it.”
George Hateanza: I don’t know, it makes me a bit uncomfortable.
Kinger: Try something physical...but don’t talk negative about black guys, that stuff does not work. Trust me, I tried.
Elpain: Get Out!
(Elpain pushes Kinger into the refrigerator as the audience laughs.)
Jerry Vaporfeild: I still make millions of this show in syndication.
George Hateanza: Not that there is anything wrong with that.
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(A reilgous cartoon show comes on the TV.)
Boy: What does B.C. mean?
Father: It means a glorious time in our society before B.C. was around.
Boy: Who was B.C.?
Father: Before Cairo, and Cairo was a man who talked a lot but little of it mattered. Oh and he had some follower like friends.
Boy: What happened to him?
Father: Oh we nailed him to a cross so he could pretty much bleed to death.
Boy: Jesus!!!
Father: Yeah, I think that was his nickname.
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(Static enters you screen before a slow montage of ICE making WCF wrestlers tap out plays on the network.)
Buddy as Narrator: Do you feel tired WCF? Do you feel exhausted? Sick of trying only to see the Vapor Kings still on top?
(Images continue of ICE holding up the World Title.)
Buddy as Narrator: And my Son is just another symbol and sign of our reign. His time of the ICE Age has been nothing but solid and strong.
(The black and white still shots turn into images of the Vapor Kings celebrating.)
Buddy as Narrator: The Vapor Kings currently have no company when it comes to top stables in the WCF...Thanks to Zombie, Steve and Natural...My Family...Me Allies...My Team of Champions.
(The air is hit with the sound of a cocky laugh before going dark.)
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(DEE is looking bored and playing with his gum when the camera pops on in front of him.)
DEE: Well the knob was locked, but I tried it like a badass which proves I am a man. Even thou it did twinge my wrist a bit. Yet despite that, I am still waiting for my exclusive interview with WCF Owner, Seth Lerch. Hey, here comes someone!!
(A UPS guy comes walking up.)
UPS Man: Are you Seth Lerch?
DEE: No, but I am waiting for him too.
UPS Man: I am not going to wait; I will just leave his package by the door.
DEE: Do you think I should do that with my questions?
UPS Man: I don’t care.
DEE: But then how would I get the answers when he was done answering them?
UPS Man: Like I said I don’t care.
DEE: Could you just help me with one thing?
UPS Man: No and don’t follow me back to my truck or I will pepper spray you.
DEE: Between Seth’s security and the janitor you are the third people to threaten me with pepper spray today.
(But Dee heeds the warning and stays by the door with the waiting going on.)
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(Buck Fucker, lifetime “friend” more like annoyance, is sitting back a campfire dressed in a mix of bright orange and camouflage. He finishes he can of Milwaukee’s Best before speaking to the camera as a cheesy graphic strolls across the screen that says...)
Buck Fucker: Welcome to the Buck Fucker Hunting Show; where we talk all things dying or dead at my hands. Speaking of that the first thing I want to show you is my dinner...
(The camera points to a turkey roasting over the fire.)
Buck Fucker: Now I love to shoot these, but truly when I eat them I only like the leg.
(Buck rips the leg off the turkey and throws the rest on the dirty ground.)
Buck Fucker: Sorry Turkey, but guess you could say I was pulling your leg...right off your body!!
(Buck laughs at his own bad joke.)
Buck Fucker: Now it is time for Buck’s Craft Corner. This week I killed a Bunny and a Duck and I duck taped them together.
(Buck brims with pride as he shows his monster like creation.)
Buck Fucker: Figured I would give it to my brother’s kid, babies love bunnies and ducks, right? And now to a new cooking segment on my show called “What’s for Dinner?!!”
(ICE Pulls out a bag, that is trickling with blood and very sad whimpers.)
Buck Fucker: This week I am making Fuck That Baby Raccoon Stew. Now the key is to really hurt the baby raccoon, but not kill it...it’s suffering and pain makes the meat even juicer.
(A very sad and pathetic whimper comes from the bag.)
Buck Fucker: Oh by the sound of it, dinner is almost ready...and now for the last segment of the show...and I saved the best for last.
(Buck pulls a tarp off a cage containing a live bear cub.)
Buck Fucker: I think I am going to sell it to a circus for Big Bucks! Stupid Animals Ain’t Got Nutin’ On Buck!!
(A rustle in the bushes causes Buck to turn just before a Mother Bear attacks him! The camera falls to the side as Buck’s screams play to a screen of static.)
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(Welcome back to Blah and Oder: Special “What That’s Smell” Unit...Dun Dun...)
Detective Michaels: This killer also fucked his camera man...with a wine bottle.
Detective Armstrong: But his partner in crime was much worse...
Detective Michaels: How so?
Detective Armstrong: It is hard to explain, but just follow me to the crime scene.
(The Crime Scene...at a phantom apartment...Some time and day...New York City, New York...Dun...Dun...)
Detective Michaels: Holy shit, this is a disgusting...like a third world country that is nothing but used condoms, dented dildos and stretch out blow up dolls.
Detective Armstrong: Whatever happened here it involved a lot of different shady like characters that is for sure.
Detective Michaels: And what is really scary...this case might beat us.
Detective Armstrong: Not if I have anything to say about it.
Detective Michaels: I don’t know, this job does get the best of us...even me sometimes.
(Dun...Dun...)
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(PJ is lying in a biking on a bitch.)
PJ: Well the model may have quit but I didn’t....
(ICE tosses what little hair on his balding hair back with the wind.)
PJ: Just like Whoop Ass Beet Never quits!
(PJ takes a drink and rubs his hairy belly.)
PJ: That is right boys, when you think Whoop Ass Beer think of me...wearing this!!!
DEE: Cut! CUT!! I don’t think ICE will like us putting that image in consumers’ minds.
PJ: What image?...Oops, spilled a little beer on my bikini top.
(PJ licks the beer foam off his man-boob as Dee makes a gagging sound.)
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(ICE Beckman is the laughing, smiling, on something Game Show Host for America’s favorite new game show...)
Studio Audience: Welcome...To...Name...That...JOBBER!!!
Host ICE: Now, please welcome back our returning Champions, Steve and Zombie.
(The people clap for the champs.)
Zombie: Clap Louder Idiots.
Steve: These bitches don’t deserve us.
Host ICE: And speaking of bitches here in the other contenders on the show, please welcome...well if you want...Crow and Marc. How is it going guys?
Crow: Actually am a bit terrified of the returning champs, that one over there told me he wants to beat me down in a dumpster and my skull was fractured he won’t give a shit.
Marc: And that other one told me he could sell me to a business man tonight for a pretty penny.
Host ICE: Haha, good stuff and their other competing team, the team of Bob and Kaz. How are we doing tonight guys?
Kaz: Um, whatever Bob thinks.
Bob: I am okay, sort of, but I would rather be on that Champion team.
Zombie: Not the first time we’ve heard that.
Steve: Can we hurry this up, I got bitches to slap.
Host ICE: Don’t worry Steve, the Lighting Bitch Slap Round is coming up later in the show.
----------------------------(((((Chanel Flip))))) ----------------------------
Anderson Gonzo: And now back to live to the riots...oh wait, we are calling them demonstrations now, I think, how are thing’s going Hunter?
(THE G.N.N. feed cuts away from the studio to the “action” in the streets.)
Hunter: Hey...Whoa...that camera light is really bright and my head wound is really deep.
Anderson Gonzo: What happened to that upset African American you found to interview?
Hunter: Oh crap, I forgot about him...oh crap, now he is really going to pissed.
Anderson Gonzo: Don’t worry just blame it on Fox News, that is what I always do.
Hunter: That is who I charged my room service to last night.
Anderson Gonzo: Do you have any other news for us?
Hunter: I am bleeding really bad now, and I believe I lost so much blood from my brain I can’t remember where I live?
Anderson Gonzo: Please, something the people at home will care about.
Hunter: Whoa, I think I just saw Tiger Woods...oh wait, that was just some random black guy in a Nike hat.
Anderson Gonzo: Alright enough from you Hunter! And let me just quickly remind the viewers at home that Hunter works for Fox News....Oh and now we need another break!
----------------------------(((((Chanel Flip))))) ----------------------------
(The North Pole is bustling these days while a skinny man dances into Santa’s chair with a fashionable red suit and white fully lining.)
Fabulous Santa: Hey there boys and girls...it’s 2014 and it’s time for me to show off my fabulous new figure, thank you P90X, and my fabulous new outlook on life...thank you Will and Grace.
(And Elf walks by without making eye contact.)
Fabulous Santa: Oh don’t play me like that little man; I don’t care if you voted against our right to marriage...we are here...we are Queer...and I HAVE CHEER!
(The Elf runs off in shame.)
Fabulous Santa: That insentiently, was also the cheer that got me kicked off my high school cheer team.
----------------------------(((((Chanel Flip))))) ----------------------------
(John Beckman, ICE’s older brother, is sitting in his home office desk surrounding my charts and graphs and with a pair of reading glasses unnecessarily living on his nose.)
John Beckman: Ready to learn how to stop being poor?
(John chuckles to himself.)
John Beckman: Sorry, but the word poor always makes me laugh.
(John laughs more.)
John Beckman: In fact the words “poor people” is an inside joke with me and my friends.
(John’s laughs begins to turn into a giggle.)
John Beckman: Poor People!
(The giggle becomes a loud chuckle.)
John Beckman: Oh wow, that is funny stuff alright.
(John wipes away a few tears.)
John Beckman: Well common person, You’re Welcome for All these great tips about money...wait, did I give any tips?... Oh crap, I talked a lot and did nothing...damn, I pulled a Donald Trump.
----------------------------(((((Chanel Flip))))) ----------------------------
(President Obama walks up to his White House podium.)
President Obama: Good evening America, I have called for this press conference to speak about over whelming concern about our new United States Champion.
(The President makes a lot of gestures as he speaks.)
President Obama: Yes, Gonzo may not exactly seem like a strong candidate to represent our nation.
(Obama begins to sweat.)
President Obama: And yes his friends are okay at best.
(Obama loosens his tie.)
President Obama: And truly his love of drugs and blogs does seem a bit excessive.
(Obama stops himself from just looking at the camera with his mouth open.)
President Obama: And yes he dresses and acts like a crazy person, but....but...um, Sorry? And...
(Obama seems to add another year of age in the silence of the moment.)
President Obama: Hey maybe instead of talking about Gonzo as the United States Champ we instead talk about easier topics like immigration, ISIS or Ebloa. What’a say reporters...please?
(The awkward, no-help silence continues.)
----------------------------(((((Chanel Flip))))) ----------------------------
(DEE is sitting on the floor outside Seth’s office when a small kid walks up to him.)
Kid: Are you here to talk to Seth?
DEE: I don’t know...I was, but I think he must be gone for the day.
Kid: Darn, talking with him was supposed to be my make-a-wish Wish.
DEE: Talking with Seth was your dying wish?
Kid: Well I actually I am not dying. That is why when I said my wish was to talk with ICE Beckman they said the best they could do was a talk with Seth Lerch.
DEE: Well good luck, cause Seth hasn’t been around all day.
(The kid knocks cutely on the door and it opens.)
Seth’s Secretary: Are you the kid from make-a-wish?
Kid: I am.
Seth’s Secretary: Come on in, but quickly before that nerd tries to sneak in.
(The Kid slides into the small opening from the office door as Dee shoots to his feet.)
DEE: Fine, who needs you Seth, and by the way Kid, I can talk to ICE Beckman whenever I want...SEE!!!
(Dee calls ICE on his cell phone and puts it on speaker phone.)
DEE: Hey, ICE, My Friend From Childhood, how’s it going?
ICE (On the phone): Shut Up Dee and Never Call This Number Without Asking First!! Now I am Going Back to Chelsea!! Now Don’t Call Here Again You Little Bitch!!!
DEE: See!...Uh...we are Besties.
(Dee hangs up the phone with his face begin to flush with red color as laughter can be heard coming from inside Seth’s office.)
----------------------------(((((Chanel Flip))))) ----------------------------
(Static engulfs the airwaves once again as black and white images of your favorite WCF wrestlers stream onto the screen.)
Buddy as Narrator: They have fallen at the feet our WCF’s modern day kings...and now you ask yourself...in these the time of true despair...when will you fall.
(The black and white footage continues with pictures of children and back water fans crying at WCF events.)
Buddy as Narrator: All the fear, all the hate that has flooded itself into WCF is thanks to the storm of the Vapor Kings.
(The still shot of a blood stained ring plays as a final image.)
Buddy as Narrator: And now we are truly ready to finish creating our masterpiece...
(The burning flames around the WCF logo turn to vapor as the segment ends.)
----------------------------(((((Chanel Flip))))) ----------------------------
(DEE and PJ are sitting in front of editing machines and a few monitors.)
DEE: I think I finally got the Whoop Ass commercial right.
PJ: Just hit play on the video already.
(DEE hits plays to start the commercial.)
Voice Over: Think this guy is gross?
(You see a video of PJ in the bikini walking down the beach while spilling mustard on his cleavage.)
Voice Over: Of course you do, we all do...and do you think this image is sexy?
(We see the bikini model running down the beach with a lot of glorious bouncing in all the right places.)
Voice Over: Of course you do, we all do...and speaking of good things, let’s talk about Whoop Ass beer, actually you know drink that beer, but let’s focus back on this.
(The images of a cold Whoop Ass beer cut away to more pictures of the bikini model as the commercial ends with the tag line...)
Voice Over: “Whoop Ass beer, Giving you what you want!”
(Back to the editing machine with DEE and PJ.)
DEE: What do you think?
PJ: I loved it so much I need to use the bedroom for about 10 minutes.
DEE: Ew...why?
PJ: You Know! Now let me be and make sure your mom doesn’t knock on the door.
----------------------------(((((Chanel Flip))))) ----------------------------
(Year later Young Natural ICE is still without a home, but this time he is lost in the big city.)
Lil’ ICE: I may still not have any parents still, but at least I can hurt these two morons again.
Criminal Harry: Sucks to be those morons.
Criminal Marv: We are those morons, you moron.
Criminal Harry: Well at least I didn’t get hit with a paint can this time.
Lil’ ICE: No, this one I upgraded to oil drums.
Criminal Marv: Wait, it doesn’t say anything about oil drums in the script!!
(And with a mighty thud the criminals and squashed on the steps as Lil’ ICE crack opens a juice box and flashes his trademark, and back then still cute, smile.)
----------------------------(((((Chanel Flip))))) ----------------------------
STOP
(Natural ICE Beckman turns the TV off and looks back at the room full of suit wearing executives. Their stiff shirts are combined with a confused look that adds to an awkward feeling that has been building up since ICE started his ICE AGE TV presentation. ICE’s smile sours with his confident feelings as the robot like business man all shift in their chairs and cross their arms in disapproval. The head of the executives grunts, rubs his chin and begins to speak for him and his fellow corporate butt kissers. )
Head Executive: And ICE AGE TV is the name of this proposed TV network?
ICE: Well we could also call it Beckman Broadcasting Company.
Another Executive: You mean the BBC?
ICE: Oh, I suppose that shit is taken, but we could name it lots of things, Natural Beckman Channel-
Third Executive: Like NBC?
ICE: Oh okay, what about Cocktailed Broadcasting Company?
Fourth Executive: You mean CBS?
ICE: Fine, so maybe we stick with ICE AGE TV.
Head Executive: And who exactly is this Gonzo character you seem to take so many shots at?
Another Executive: Yes, and might I remind you, Mr. Beckman, that Disney now owns the Muppets.
Third Executive: Yes and those Disney Lawyers are way worse than any villain in any of their movies.
ICE: Even worse than Ursula from Little Mermaid?
Third Executive: One of them looks like her, but he is much meaner.
ICE: Don’t you mean She?
Fourth Executive: No, he means HE and that lawyer, like them all, is odd looking and very hateful!!
ICE: Well the Gonzo I am talking about isn’t that Gonzo...except for the one spoof of mine...besides that person would change from week to week.
Head Executive: Hmmm, people don’t like all new characters on their shows anymore.
Another Executive: Yes, let us not forgot how bad Quantum Leap: The Return failed?
ICE: Quantum Leap: The Return, I never heard of that show.
Third Executive: Exactly.
ICE: Alright a few hiccups, but otherwise you liked it, right?
Head Executive: And what is with this channel flip business?
ICE: That is the key to the whole thing, for now that this is officially Gonzo Deuce’s America...
(Somewhere the spirit of Roman and ZMAC’s displeasure makes ICE shiver with those words.)
ICE: Anyways, as I was saying...this is Gonzo’s America, meaning the land of the more worried about the easy way out, more worried about the easy way out, hence we are going to be the first channel on TV that flips the remote for you.
Another Executive: That would lead the American audience more time to eat chips and dip.
Third Executive: The people at Lays would like that idea.
Head Executive: Sure, but what about these people on the show. I saw a lot of different actors, meaning a lot of different paychecks.
ICE: Well they are mostly just a mix of community theater actors and homeless people.
Head Executive: Well they acted like they’re not professionals, that is for sure.
Another Executive: Didn’t you just tell the star of your best show that a mannequin could do his job?
Head Executive: Hmm, yes I suppose I did, but tell me do you want to be fired today?
Another Executive: He is right Mr. Beckman, all those parts with decent actors would cost a lot.
Fourth Executive: And what about copyright laws, right boss?
Head Executive: Yeah what about them Mr. Beckman?
ICE: Um, I am assuming “Fuck Those Laws” isn’t an appropriate answer.
Third Executive: And besides who will watch all this non-sense?
Another Executive: Yes, anyone who would bother looking over all this silliness must have some sort of mental issue.
(Silence in the room as everyone looks at you the viewer.)
ICE: Yes, but this is the Time of the ICE Age...for if you make it, they will come.
(The flood of negativity that has been filling up the room suddenly seems to wash away with ICE’s hopeful spirit...for this is the time of the Vapor Kings...this is the time of the ICE AGE...how could they say no?)
Head Executive: It is a NO, Mr. Beckman.
(The business men all fill out with making eye contact with the much larger WCF World Champion. ICE takes a few moments before picking up his title belt from the conference room table and walking out to the lobby where Dee and PJ have been waiting for him.)
DEE: Did they say Yes, ICE?
ICE: Nope.
PJ: Aren’t you mad?
ICE: Yep.
DEE: So, what now?
ICE: I hurt Gonzo, like really hurt Gonzo; put him back in his place.
PJ: I don’t get it.
ICE: It’s how We Conquer the Hate.
PJ: Sounds like it sucks to be Gonzo.
DEE: Well it will be on Sunday.
(ICE Beckman smiles while grasping his title with anger in his fingertips.)
The Channel Flip
PLAY
----------------------------(((((Chanel Flip))))) ----------------------------
(Young Natural ICE is sitting outside the Foam Lake orphanage holding a suitcase and a happy meal as a Beckman family drives away with a tire squeal.)
Lil’ ICE: Mommy? Daddy?
(The wind blows in a silence.)
Lil’ ICE: Oh My God...My Parents Left Me Home Alone....FOR LIFE!!
(Two random criminals walk up to him.)
Criminal Harry: You got anything we would want to steal?
Criminal Marv: Nah, forget it Harry, he is just a stupid orphan.
(The two slime ball robbers walk away.)
Lil’ ICE: Fine, but one day I will be World Champion and then I will stop you from stealing my shit with the help of micro-machines, a blow torch, a tarantula and no help at all from the local police!!!
----------------------------(((((Chanel Flip))))) ----------------------------
(Two sports caster at a sports new desk smile at the camera.)
Sportscaster Ken: In other news Natural ICE Beckman wins again.
Sportscaster Ron: That isn’t news; he wins all the time.
Sportscaster Ken: Fine, here is news, some NFL douchebag has been allowed back into the league.
Sportscaster Ron: You mean Adrian “Ray” Dwyer? That isn’t news either!!
Sportscaster Ken: Fine, here is some real breaking news then...I am Sleeping With Your Wife!
Sportscaster Ron: Fine someone might as well.
Sportscaster Ken: And your Pool Boy Marco!!!
Sportscaster Ron: Not my Marco Polo Rolo!!
Sportscaster Ken: He’s my Marco Polo Rolo NOW!!
Sportscaster Ron: You are such a bitch...I’m glad I’ve been rubbing your make-up brush on my taint for the last 2 years!!
Sportscaster Ken: Hey! That’s how I got Cheek Crabs!!!
----------------------------(((((Chanel Flip))))) ----------------------------
Narrator: You are watching G.N.N.: The Gonzo News Network
(The show cuts to an boring guy trying to look interesting and busy with rolled up sleeves, a fresh cup of joe and a pen behind each ear.)
Anderson Gonzo: Hey, welcome back, where heard Hunter is on the street with some new news from Ferguson, Missouri.
(The feed cuts to Hunter on a dark and quiet street.)
Hunter: Yes, a car went by about 10 minutes ago...now they didn’t say anything about going to a riot, but I can only assume they were.
Anderson Gonzo: Wow, I mean truly wow. Anything else to report Hunter?
Hunter: Um, well, this might be news worthy!!
(Hunter runs full speed into a nearby Stop sign.)
Anderson Gonzo: Wow, that was something...Literally Something!!
Hunter: Urgh, and now I feel...a little in pain.
Anderson Gonzo: Tell me, was that a white stop sign and also, aren’t you part black?
Hunter: Actually I think it was a red stop sign with white borders, and I am part black now with my new eye wound.
Anderson Gonzo: White on Black Crime you heard it here first on GNN...now maybe next time there is a little more on the explosive side of the news.
Hunter: Got ya Gonzo Anderson, more explosions next time...
(The show begins to cut back to the studio.)
Hunter: There is a lot of blood flow into my eye socket...if anyone cares.
----------------------------(((((Chanel Flip))))) ----------------------------
Narrator: Do you kind of drink, but most the time just talk a big game?
(A man sitting at his wobbling table with a bowl of off brand cereal combined with powdered milk dripping off his spoon looks like a moron into the camera.)
Man: Wha?
Narrator: Are you nothing but a Jayson Price drunk?!!
Man: Well, I have no job, expect for every now and then I sleep in a church and find change thrown on my passed out body?
Narrator: Wanna score like a real winner?
Man: I do, I really do.
Narrator: Then start drinking WHOOP ASS BEER!! Beer so good in taste and so strong in alcohol content it doesn’t matter what happens the night before, because you won’t remember it!!
Man: So when I ate all that spaghetti from a trash can?
Narrator: You won’t remember it!!
Man: When I cried over losing my pimp connection and then masturbated to a Wendy’s commercial?
Narrator: You won’t remember it!!
Man: When I sucked off a Fly and he injected his babies into my brain?
Narrator: You won’t-...wait, what is your name Price?...I mean, that shit is sick...I mean uh, BUY WHOOP ASS BEER!!
----------------------------(((((Chanel Flip))))) ----------------------------
(Sunday morning spirit now a days mea big church like arenas dressed up with dance lights and a kick ass sound system...and the Steeltoe Reverend claps his hands to the sheep teens like the true monkey he is.)
Reverend Joe: So much spirit, so much youth in the house, it makes me want to Ejaculate!!
(The parents in the crowd look at one another.)
Reverend Joe: I am a man of God, although I am not exactly sure of what he would say of this scene...probably something like, “What? I only speak Latin?”
(Now parents exchange confused looks.)
Reverend Joe: Hey, who wants to see my Title of the People?!!?
(The youth in the crowd cheers.)
Revered Joe: I call it...The Naïve-ity Scene...Hence the Jesus with the Blindfold and the Three Wise Kings in which he really fears.
Father in the Crowd: Wait, what is he doing to that little Jesus baby?
Mother in the Crowd: It looks like he is making it go down on his- OH LORD!!
----------------------------(((((Chanel Flip))))) ----------------------------
(The Late Night Show hosts adjusts his suit, pokes his tongue between his tooth gap and relays on same old joke.)
Reb Letterman: Haha, and the Top Ten List this week is...Top Ten Reasons No One Visits the South.
(The studio audience laughs and cheers at sheer title of the list.)
Reb Letterman: #10...Um, something, something the Civil War.
(Everyone laughs but Reb Letterman.)
Reb Letterman: #9...We in the South are dump...I mean...dumb.
(Everyone laughs again.)
Reb Letterman: #8...Gonzo is a funny name for a man.
(Even Reb Letterman found that one funny.)
Reb Letterman: #7...Most Southern People date their Sister...And Her Mother.
(The studio audience laughs real hard while Letterman is getting pissed.)
Reb Letterman: #6...Southern People forget why we make fun of them due to moonshine poisoning.
(The crowd laughs louder more now more than ever...and even Reb Letterman begins laughing...maybe because of the moonshine.)
----------------------------(((((Chanel Flip))))) ----------------------------
Young Stud: Whoop Ass Beer.
PJ: Whoop Ass Beer gave you that six pack of Abs!
Young Stud: They sure did.
PJ: So that six pack of abs came from a 7 pack of Whoop Ass Beer?
DEE (off camera): The line is...”FROM A SIX PACK OF A WHOOP ASS BEER”!!
PJ: Well sorry I finally figured out how to carry the one!!!
----------------------------(((((Chanel Flip))))) ----------------------------
(The Muppets Christmas Special warms out hearts and confuses our kids.)
Gonzo: So, you really do love me?!
Ms. Piggy: No way Bub!!
Gonzo: Fine then stick my crocked nose up your ass, you bacon bitch.
Ms. Piggy: Now were talking; Kermit is a dud in the sack! GO for it Blue Lover Boy.
Gonzo: Actually that is too weird for even me.
----------------------------(((((Chanel Flip))))) ----------------------------
(Hunter S. Thompson pulls the long cigarette holder from his mouth, adjusts his interesting hat, then runs a hand over his wrinkles and look into the camera.)
Hunter S. Thompson: Fuck Bill Murray, Fuck Johnny Deep, Hell Fuck anyone who rips off ME!!
(The interviewer looks like a deer caught in the head lights of a bad interview.)
----------------------------(((((Chanel Flip))))) ----------------------------
(A home town bar welcomes Natural ICE Beckman into the establishment with not just a single cheers rather a whole array of sitcom classics.)
Drunks: ICE!!!!
ICE: Hello Everybody.
Handsome Bartender: What is the good word?
ICE: Beer. Fucking Duh!!
(Studio audience laughs.)
Joey: How you doin’?
ICE: Get away from me Flash!
Joey: But I am new and king of the TV. And now a Friend of yours!!!
Buddy Honeymooner: One of these days Jobber, Bang Zoom, Right to the Moon!!!
Little Orbit: What you talkin’ ‘bout fool?
ICE: Can everyone just chill; and someone get me a beer?
The Badger: You Got It Dude!!
Buddy Honeymooner: That is cute.
The Badger: The Badger Knows He is Cute...Badger don’t give a shit.
ICE: Where everybody knows my name...fuck yeah!
Ice Cream Blizzard Man: Not ME!!!
----------------------------(((((Chanel Flip))))) ----------------------------
(The camera looks through a few dry stalks of prairie plants on the hunting themed program.)
Hunter #1: We are hunting wild Gonzo Deuces...a raw double breasted bird.
Hunter #2: I wish you were talking about my wife.
Hunter #1: Are you insulting your wife’s boobs?
Hunter #2: No, just saying she only has one boob after her surgery last year.
Hunter #1: Oh sorry was it breast cancer?
Hunter #2: No, I super accidently shot her.
Hunter #1: Interesting...keep that barrel pointing away from me, okay?!
----------------------------(((((Chanel Flip))))) ----------------------------
(Slow motion clips in black and white from every cool moment from Slam highlighting the Vapor Kings last week plays on the channel.)
Buddy as Narrator: The Few, The Honored, The Conquerors....Become a Vapor King Now...
(You hope at home....I SAID HOPE!!!)
Buddy as Narrator: Well Good Luck, because to deserve that honor is a long way from all of you...I said ALL of you...
(A clip of a man falling off a high wire tight rope from the 1920s shows on the screen with the words WCF Total Fail burning into the screen image.)
Buddy Roman: Conquer the...(static)...Hate...HATE...(static)....HATE!!
----------------------------(((((Chanel Flip))))) ----------------------------
Godzilla: GRRRRRR!!!
(The movie has a city landscape that is on fire. Meanwhile a rouge reporter is interviewing with a poorly dubbed video.)
Running Worker: AHHHHHHH!!!
Rouge Reporter: I have Cancer!!
Running Worker #2: AHHHHH!!!
Rouge Reporter: Don’t Tell Seth...although I am sure he knows.
Running Worker #3: I actually blog about the WCF all the time, how cool to meet you.
Rouge Reporter: AHHHH!!!
(Godzilla crushes them both like King Kong taught him how.)
----------------------------(((((Chanel Flip))))) ----------------------------
(A deserted island; with a long time running reality show.)
Adam: I am the villain.
Marcus: I don’t think the Survivor producers like us to just go out there an admit to what role we are going for.
Ryan: I have spent the most days out here without peeing, how much money did I win?
Marcus: That is not how it works at all.
Adam: I will take my million dollars now.
Marcus: Oh Dear God, Please Help Me.
Ryan: God? Is that the guy I ask about records?
Adam: He must have my million as well.
----------------------------(((((Chanel Flip))))) ----------------------------
(The American Gladiators entertains any screen it finds.)
Mike Adamle: Wow this is going to be some gauntlet event!
Larry Csonka: Whoever is going to win this is going to need a bunch of Turbo, Lighting and Blaze.
Mike Adamle: Also steroids are legal here on American Gladiators, so watch out.
Larry Csonka: Steroids? Sorry I haven’t heard of him.
Mike Adamle: You played football in the 1970s, of course you have.
Larry Csonka: Let’s talk about the gauntlet already!!
Mike Adamle: Fine, now I am sure you had to project your groin in a contact sport, right Larry?
Larry Csonka: Actually, I rarely had to worry about that.
Mike Adamle: I Knew It! You do Have Small Balls!!
(The fans with their free ticket from Universal Studios all cheer the word Balls.)
----------------------------(((((Chanel Flip))))) ----------------------------
(Soap Opera lighting with two hot lovers about to embrace.)
Woman: I love you.
Man: I love you.
Woman: Did you read the comic Seth Cries this morning?
Man: Talking about something I love.
Woman: Me too...that and your brother of course!
Man: I AM MY BROTHER!!
(The Casio keyboard goes nuts as the old ladies at home adjusts themselves with enjoyment...for whatever that means.)
----------------------------(((((Chanel Flip))))) ----------------------------
(Late Nite with ICE pops on with ICE doing the classic Johnny Carson “Carnac the Magnificent” bit or as your Champ calls it, the ICEMAN the Drunkificent” bit.)
ICE: Stop, Drop And Roll.
Satan’s Pizza McMahon (the dog): Bark!!
(ICE opens the envelope and pulls out the answer.)
ICE: Name three things that describe Deuce Murdock’s sex life.
----------------------------(((((Chanel Flip))))) ----------------------------
Helen Hunt: That is not just a Maelstorm; it is a Twister.
----------------------------(((((Chanel Flip))))) ----------------------------
Kevin Costner: I love golf and this movie called “Lin” Cup.
Cheech: That is like not the title of this movie at all, yo homie.
Kevin Costner: Neither is that accent...and actually I mean “Sin” Cup Jr.
Cheech: Now you are really disrespecting my people, your check better fucking clear homies!!
----------------------------(((((Chanel Flip))))) ----------------------------
(The commercial starts.)
Narrator: Eat Tyson Chicken...now %100 pure Chi-
ICE replacing Narrator: No, no, NO! I am not that mean!!! Or am I...Buddy? Can I get a ruling please, it isn’t like I made reference to sand ba-
----------------------------(((((Chanel Flip))))) ----------------------------
DEE: I am here with the Owner of WCF, Mr. Seth Lerch...well, I am Here with His Door...well for now...but soon hopefully actually him.
(DEE knocks on the door right next to the plaque that reads: Mr. Seth Lerch.)
DEE: Knock, knock, who is there? It is ME!!
(DEE waits.)
DEE: Me, Dee...ICE Beckman’s friend.
(DEE hears a deadbolt lock on the other side as he frowns.)
----------------------------(((((Chanel Flip))))) ----------------------------
(A smiley sale women is doing her Vana White impression for a beautiful glass smoking pipe.)
QVC Lady: And our next item is this lovely Peace Pipe, perfect for your next 420 party or just relaxing after work.
(Suddenly a man dressed like Sadam Hussain comes walking on set.)
Saddam Hussian: Me No Like Peace!!
(He grabs the pipe and smashes it at the feet of the sales spokeswomen.)
Saddam Hussain: Make War, No Peace!
(He walks off the set.)
QVC Lady: Hey yo buddy boy, come back here...you owe me $19.99 plus shipping and handling fees!!
----------------------------(((((Chanel Flip))))) ----------------------------
Political News Anchor: Tonight my guets on Rage and Debate is Dr. VonSlate and H.C. Alex, and our issue tonight....Violence in Schools, Good or Bad?
Dr. VonSlate: Um, Bad?
H.C. Alex: Yes, I agree, bad.
Political News Anchor Wait, you two can’t agree, that is not a very entertaining!!
Dr. VonSlate: Sorry.
H.C. Alex: Yeah, uh, sorry.
Dr. VonSlate: Would it help if I said I think H.C. is a dumb name?
H.C. Alex: I will have you know that is was my grandfather’s name, it stands for Hunnington Chorus.
Dr. VonSlate: Oh now I can see why he changed it to just H.C.
H.C. Alex: Look who is talking, Von”Stale”.
Political News Anchor: Now we’re talking! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!!
----------------------------(((((Chanel Flip))))) ----------------------------
PJ: This beautiful super model loves Whoop Ass Beer...don’t you babe?
(The blonde super model in the biking looks down at the rotund PJ.)
Bikini Model: That is what they pay me to say, so yeah, I guess.
PJ: I drink a lot of Whoop Ass Beer, can you tell?
Bikini Model: I can, I really can.
PJ: So does that make you want to have sex with me?
Bikini Model: No...it makes me sick to think about.
PJ: Hey, that isn’t her next line in the script?!
(Director Dee calls from behind the camera.)
DEE: Yeah, what is with that Ms. Model Lady?
Bikini Model: Sorry, I know that isn’t the line but after looking at him...and smelling him...I just could say YES to his question.
PJ: Not the first time I’ve heard that, no matter how much the woman cost me.
DEE: Alright, time for another idea...CUT this Film...we need a five minute break!!
----------------------------(((((Chanel Flip))))) ----------------------------
Narrator: Sunday! Sunday! Sunday!!! It is the MONSTER TRUCK SHOW...Watch the Ultimate Destroyer Truck versus the Joey Flash Truck!
Announcer #1: And it is Sunday!! Like...now.
Announcer #2: Then what is with the hype?
Announcer #1: Our business is nothing but hype.
Announcer #2: That is why I find our business such a letdown.
Announcer #1: But the Monster Trucks crush cars?!!! Plus they have like BIG tires.
Announcer #2: Yes, but I would rather watch something that has an original outcome...I mean all the Ultimate Destroyer Truck ever does is crush cars and all the Joey Flash Truck does it crush cars.
Announcer #1: Do they really?
Announcer #2: Well one at least does...for now at least.
Announcer #1: I am sick of my life.
Announcer #2: Oh man that car totally got smashed...that was so awesome.
Announcer #1: Sure it was...on a related note, does this town have a Suicide Hotline?
----------------------------(((((Chanel Flip))))) ----------------------------
(Rachel Ray adds a little more wine aka fun to her dish as she takes a pull for herself as well.)
Rachael Ray: So I went to a wrestling event the other day. So I am making Seifer Black Burgers.
(Rachael Ray flips her beef patties.)
Rachael Ray: Now I know Seifer lost last week, but let’s try to make him better now. And then we have Ockool-Aid.
(Rachael Ray pulls out a pitcher and adds Sugar.)
Rachael Ray: He seems like a wild child or am I just drunk?
(Rachael takes a big long drink as the also tipsy studio audience claps along.)
Rachael Ray: Oh and my final dish...of course...what is it again?
Producer (of camera): Just IN Cake.
Rachael Ray: That is a stupid name for a cake.
Producer (of camera): Shhh, you already have two strikes against you with the NBC executives.
Rachael Ray: Oh fuck them, I always have the Food Network.
Producer (of camera): NBC also owns the Food Network.
Rachael Ray: Oh crap.
(Her food begins to burn.)
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Narrator: You are watching G.N.N.: The Gonzo News Network
Anderson Gonzo: Holy Wow...back to Ferguson.
Hunter: Ready to be shocked Anderson?
Anderson Gonzo: Nothing shocks me, not even dead babies. So try me.
Hunter: I found a mad African American.
Anderson Gonzo: Are they willing to talk on the air?
Hunter: I think so...let me ask.
Anderson Gonzo: Actually take your time, we need another commercial break.
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(ICE Beckman is walking through the center yard of a college campus.)
ICE: Hey there, Guy on Couch, Loser with No Job, Big Waste of Space...
(ICE motions “hold on now” with his palms exposed.)
ICE: But hey, don’t get mad at me, rather get even with the world by fighting back with the University of Vapor.
(ICE is walking through a dorm lobby.)
ICE: Live among the Vapor King wrestlers, learn how to hate and love and even shall I say kill...well, maybe, if you’re lucky enough to matter and be killed...but I digress...
(ICE is walking through a classroom.)
ICE: Learn how to conduct a successful business.
Professor Orbit: If the Bitch likes her Nap, Then the Pimp Gotta Slap!!!
(ICE walks towards the next classroom.)
ICE: Or our excellent Chemistry Department.
Professor ZMAC: And that is how you make meth.
(ICE moves along to statue of Buddy Roman with Dean Roman giving a speech under his rock made mascot twin.)
Dean Roman: Vapor King University is number one every list from athletics to zombies, from history to technology, and an attack towards it comes from nothing but a common community college like Armageddon Community College.
(ICE high fives a few students before turning towards the camera.)
ICE: Because at the University of Vapor if you make or do drugs you are already enrolled!!
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(Dee is leaning against the door of Seths office with a glass to hear inside better.)
DEE: Welcome back fans of WCF...I am Drunk Money Inc. member Dee. Waiting to talking to Seth...
(DEE leans away from the door.)
DEE: He is being stubborn so far...but I hope he opens it soon; I mean I have tried every secret knock I know already.
(Dee looks at the knob.)
DEE: Maybe I should try the knob; I mean ICE does bold thing all the time and he is World Champ.
(Dee inhales, exhales and worries.)
DEE: Hmm...biggest decision of my life...do I try the knob?
----------------------------(((((Chanel Flip))))) ----------------------------
(The North Pole is seen with elves darting around, reindeer bonding about and a very heavy candy cane like theme with all the decorations.)
Santa Claus: Fuck Jesus.
(The kids gathered at his feet seemed a bit taken a back.)
Santa Claus: Skinny Bitch Sandal Hippie has nothing on me.
(The kids start crying.)
Santa Claus: You are all getting XBOX ones!!
(The kids stop crying and soon begin laughing.)
Santa Claus: Now let’s talk about why Jesus sucks before Steeltoe shows up.
Kid: Everything you just said makes me feel uncomfortable; except for the Xbox giving statement.
----------------------------(((((Chanel Flip))))) ----------------------------
(And on this very special episode of the PBS show rip off called Armageddon Abby...)
Duke Steeltoe: We thou are a group now I guess.
Governor Murdock: Okay, but I call not being Butler.
Butler Eric: Fine, I will be butler, but I am taking lots and LOTS of breaks.
Sir Speede: I can’t wait for spring that is when the girls come out.
Duke Steeltoe-Toe: I just hope we thou be a group by spring.
(Piano music cuts in set the drama before...)
----------------------------(((((Chanel Flip))))) ----------------------------
(Here is some Must See TV about Nothing.)
Jerry Vaporfeld: What is the deal with jobbers? I mean like who wrestles just to lose? It is like a lemming going, “Sure jumping off that cliff seems like a good idea. Let’s ALL do it.”
George Hateanza: I don’t know, it makes me a bit uncomfortable.
Kinger: Try something physical...but don’t talk negative about black guys, that stuff does not work. Trust me, I tried.
Elpain: Get Out!
(Elpain pushes Kinger into the refrigerator as the audience laughs.)
Jerry Vaporfeild: I still make millions of this show in syndication.
George Hateanza: Not that there is anything wrong with that.
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(A reilgous cartoon show comes on the TV.)
Boy: What does B.C. mean?
Father: It means a glorious time in our society before B.C. was around.
Boy: Who was B.C.?
Father: Before Cairo, and Cairo was a man who talked a lot but little of it mattered. Oh and he had some follower like friends.
Boy: What happened to him?
Father: Oh we nailed him to a cross so he could pretty much bleed to death.
Boy: Jesus!!!
Father: Yeah, I think that was his nickname.
----------------------------(((((Chanel Flip))))) ----------------------------
(Static enters you screen before a slow montage of ICE making WCF wrestlers tap out plays on the network.)
Buddy as Narrator: Do you feel tired WCF? Do you feel exhausted? Sick of trying only to see the Vapor Kings still on top?
(Images continue of ICE holding up the World Title.)
Buddy as Narrator: And my Son is just another symbol and sign of our reign. His time of the ICE Age has been nothing but solid and strong.
(The black and white still shots turn into images of the Vapor Kings celebrating.)
Buddy as Narrator: The Vapor Kings currently have no company when it comes to top stables in the WCF...Thanks to Zombie, Steve and Natural...My Family...Me Allies...My Team of Champions.
(The air is hit with the sound of a cocky laugh before going dark.)
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(DEE is looking bored and playing with his gum when the camera pops on in front of him.)
DEE: Well the knob was locked, but I tried it like a badass which proves I am a man. Even thou it did twinge my wrist a bit. Yet despite that, I am still waiting for my exclusive interview with WCF Owner, Seth Lerch. Hey, here comes someone!!
(A UPS guy comes walking up.)
UPS Man: Are you Seth Lerch?
DEE: No, but I am waiting for him too.
UPS Man: I am not going to wait; I will just leave his package by the door.
DEE: Do you think I should do that with my questions?
UPS Man: I don’t care.
DEE: But then how would I get the answers when he was done answering them?
UPS Man: Like I said I don’t care.
DEE: Could you just help me with one thing?
UPS Man: No and don’t follow me back to my truck or I will pepper spray you.
DEE: Between Seth’s security and the janitor you are the third people to threaten me with pepper spray today.
(But Dee heeds the warning and stays by the door with the waiting going on.)
----------------------------(((((Chanel Flip))))) ----------------------------
(Buck Fucker, lifetime “friend” more like annoyance, is sitting back a campfire dressed in a mix of bright orange and camouflage. He finishes he can of Milwaukee’s Best before speaking to the camera as a cheesy graphic strolls across the screen that says...)
Buck Fucker: Welcome to the Buck Fucker Hunting Show; where we talk all things dying or dead at my hands. Speaking of that the first thing I want to show you is my dinner...
(The camera points to a turkey roasting over the fire.)
Buck Fucker: Now I love to shoot these, but truly when I eat them I only like the leg.
(Buck rips the leg off the turkey and throws the rest on the dirty ground.)
Buck Fucker: Sorry Turkey, but guess you could say I was pulling your leg...right off your body!!
(Buck laughs at his own bad joke.)
Buck Fucker: Now it is time for Buck’s Craft Corner. This week I killed a Bunny and a Duck and I duck taped them together.
(Buck brims with pride as he shows his monster like creation.)
Buck Fucker: Figured I would give it to my brother’s kid, babies love bunnies and ducks, right? And now to a new cooking segment on my show called “What’s for Dinner?!!”
(ICE Pulls out a bag, that is trickling with blood and very sad whimpers.)
Buck Fucker: This week I am making Fuck That Baby Raccoon Stew. Now the key is to really hurt the baby raccoon, but not kill it...it’s suffering and pain makes the meat even juicer.
(A very sad and pathetic whimper comes from the bag.)
Buck Fucker: Oh by the sound of it, dinner is almost ready...and now for the last segment of the show...and I saved the best for last.
(Buck pulls a tarp off a cage containing a live bear cub.)
Buck Fucker: I think I am going to sell it to a circus for Big Bucks! Stupid Animals Ain’t Got Nutin’ On Buck!!
(A rustle in the bushes causes Buck to turn just before a Mother Bear attacks him! The camera falls to the side as Buck’s screams play to a screen of static.)
----------------------------(((((Chanel Flip))))) ----------------------------
(Welcome back to Blah and Oder: Special “What That’s Smell” Unit...Dun Dun...)
Detective Michaels: This killer also fucked his camera man...with a wine bottle.
Detective Armstrong: But his partner in crime was much worse...
Detective Michaels: How so?
Detective Armstrong: It is hard to explain, but just follow me to the crime scene.
(The Crime Scene...at a phantom apartment...Some time and day...New York City, New York...Dun...Dun...)
Detective Michaels: Holy shit, this is a disgusting...like a third world country that is nothing but used condoms, dented dildos and stretch out blow up dolls.
Detective Armstrong: Whatever happened here it involved a lot of different shady like characters that is for sure.
Detective Michaels: And what is really scary...this case might beat us.
Detective Armstrong: Not if I have anything to say about it.
Detective Michaels: I don’t know, this job does get the best of us...even me sometimes.
(Dun...Dun...)
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(PJ is lying in a biking on a bitch.)
PJ: Well the model may have quit but I didn’t....
(ICE tosses what little hair on his balding hair back with the wind.)
PJ: Just like Whoop Ass Beet Never quits!
(PJ takes a drink and rubs his hairy belly.)
PJ: That is right boys, when you think Whoop Ass Beer think of me...wearing this!!!
DEE: Cut! CUT!! I don’t think ICE will like us putting that image in consumers’ minds.
PJ: What image?...Oops, spilled a little beer on my bikini top.
(PJ licks the beer foam off his man-boob as Dee makes a gagging sound.)
----------------------------(((((Chanel Flip))))) ----------------------------
(ICE Beckman is the laughing, smiling, on something Game Show Host for America’s favorite new game show...)
Studio Audience: Welcome...To...Name...That...JOBBER!!!
Host ICE: Now, please welcome back our returning Champions, Steve and Zombie.
(The people clap for the champs.)
Zombie: Clap Louder Idiots.
Steve: These bitches don’t deserve us.
Host ICE: And speaking of bitches here in the other contenders on the show, please welcome...well if you want...Crow and Marc. How is it going guys?
Crow: Actually am a bit terrified of the returning champs, that one over there told me he wants to beat me down in a dumpster and my skull was fractured he won’t give a shit.
Marc: And that other one told me he could sell me to a business man tonight for a pretty penny.
Host ICE: Haha, good stuff and their other competing team, the team of Bob and Kaz. How are we doing tonight guys?
Kaz: Um, whatever Bob thinks.
Bob: I am okay, sort of, but I would rather be on that Champion team.
Zombie: Not the first time we’ve heard that.
Steve: Can we hurry this up, I got bitches to slap.
Host ICE: Don’t worry Steve, the Lighting Bitch Slap Round is coming up later in the show.
----------------------------(((((Chanel Flip))))) ----------------------------
Anderson Gonzo: And now back to live to the riots...oh wait, we are calling them demonstrations now, I think, how are thing’s going Hunter?
(THE G.N.N. feed cuts away from the studio to the “action” in the streets.)
Hunter: Hey...Whoa...that camera light is really bright and my head wound is really deep.
Anderson Gonzo: What happened to that upset African American you found to interview?
Hunter: Oh crap, I forgot about him...oh crap, now he is really going to pissed.
Anderson Gonzo: Don’t worry just blame it on Fox News, that is what I always do.
Hunter: That is who I charged my room service to last night.
Anderson Gonzo: Do you have any other news for us?
Hunter: I am bleeding really bad now, and I believe I lost so much blood from my brain I can’t remember where I live?
Anderson Gonzo: Please, something the people at home will care about.
Hunter: Whoa, I think I just saw Tiger Woods...oh wait, that was just some random black guy in a Nike hat.
Anderson Gonzo: Alright enough from you Hunter! And let me just quickly remind the viewers at home that Hunter works for Fox News....Oh and now we need another break!
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(The North Pole is bustling these days while a skinny man dances into Santa’s chair with a fashionable red suit and white fully lining.)
Fabulous Santa: Hey there boys and girls...it’s 2014 and it’s time for me to show off my fabulous new figure, thank you P90X, and my fabulous new outlook on life...thank you Will and Grace.
(And Elf walks by without making eye contact.)
Fabulous Santa: Oh don’t play me like that little man; I don’t care if you voted against our right to marriage...we are here...we are Queer...and I HAVE CHEER!
(The Elf runs off in shame.)
Fabulous Santa: That insentiently, was also the cheer that got me kicked off my high school cheer team.
----------------------------(((((Chanel Flip))))) ----------------------------
(John Beckman, ICE’s older brother, is sitting in his home office desk surrounding my charts and graphs and with a pair of reading glasses unnecessarily living on his nose.)
John Beckman: Ready to learn how to stop being poor?
(John chuckles to himself.)
John Beckman: Sorry, but the word poor always makes me laugh.
(John laughs more.)
John Beckman: In fact the words “poor people” is an inside joke with me and my friends.
(John’s laughs begins to turn into a giggle.)
John Beckman: Poor People!
(The giggle becomes a loud chuckle.)
John Beckman: Oh wow, that is funny stuff alright.
(John wipes away a few tears.)
John Beckman: Well common person, You’re Welcome for All these great tips about money...wait, did I give any tips?... Oh crap, I talked a lot and did nothing...damn, I pulled a Donald Trump.
----------------------------(((((Chanel Flip))))) ----------------------------
(President Obama walks up to his White House podium.)
President Obama: Good evening America, I have called for this press conference to speak about over whelming concern about our new United States Champion.
(The President makes a lot of gestures as he speaks.)
President Obama: Yes, Gonzo may not exactly seem like a strong candidate to represent our nation.
(Obama begins to sweat.)
President Obama: And yes his friends are okay at best.
(Obama loosens his tie.)
President Obama: And truly his love of drugs and blogs does seem a bit excessive.
(Obama stops himself from just looking at the camera with his mouth open.)
President Obama: And yes he dresses and acts like a crazy person, but....but...um, Sorry? And...
(Obama seems to add another year of age in the silence of the moment.)
President Obama: Hey maybe instead of talking about Gonzo as the United States Champ we instead talk about easier topics like immigration, ISIS or Ebloa. What’a say reporters...please?
(The awkward, no-help silence continues.)
----------------------------(((((Chanel Flip))))) ----------------------------
(DEE is sitting on the floor outside Seth’s office when a small kid walks up to him.)
Kid: Are you here to talk to Seth?
DEE: I don’t know...I was, but I think he must be gone for the day.
Kid: Darn, talking with him was supposed to be my make-a-wish Wish.
DEE: Talking with Seth was your dying wish?
Kid: Well I actually I am not dying. That is why when I said my wish was to talk with ICE Beckman they said the best they could do was a talk with Seth Lerch.
DEE: Well good luck, cause Seth hasn’t been around all day.
(The kid knocks cutely on the door and it opens.)
Seth’s Secretary: Are you the kid from make-a-wish?
Kid: I am.
Seth’s Secretary: Come on in, but quickly before that nerd tries to sneak in.
(The Kid slides into the small opening from the office door as Dee shoots to his feet.)
DEE: Fine, who needs you Seth, and by the way Kid, I can talk to ICE Beckman whenever I want...SEE!!!
(Dee calls ICE on his cell phone and puts it on speaker phone.)
DEE: Hey, ICE, My Friend From Childhood, how’s it going?
ICE (On the phone): Shut Up Dee and Never Call This Number Without Asking First!! Now I am Going Back to Chelsea!! Now Don’t Call Here Again You Little Bitch!!!
DEE: See!...Uh...we are Besties.
(Dee hangs up the phone with his face begin to flush with red color as laughter can be heard coming from inside Seth’s office.)
----------------------------(((((Chanel Flip))))) ----------------------------
(Static engulfs the airwaves once again as black and white images of your favorite WCF wrestlers stream onto the screen.)
Buddy as Narrator: They have fallen at the feet our WCF’s modern day kings...and now you ask yourself...in these the time of true despair...when will you fall.
(The black and white footage continues with pictures of children and back water fans crying at WCF events.)
Buddy as Narrator: All the fear, all the hate that has flooded itself into WCF is thanks to the storm of the Vapor Kings.
(The still shot of a blood stained ring plays as a final image.)
Buddy as Narrator: And now we are truly ready to finish creating our masterpiece...
(The burning flames around the WCF logo turn to vapor as the segment ends.)
----------------------------(((((Chanel Flip))))) ----------------------------
(DEE and PJ are sitting in front of editing machines and a few monitors.)
DEE: I think I finally got the Whoop Ass commercial right.
PJ: Just hit play on the video already.
(DEE hits plays to start the commercial.)
Voice Over: Think this guy is gross?
(You see a video of PJ in the bikini walking down the beach while spilling mustard on his cleavage.)
Voice Over: Of course you do, we all do...and do you think this image is sexy?
(We see the bikini model running down the beach with a lot of glorious bouncing in all the right places.)
Voice Over: Of course you do, we all do...and speaking of good things, let’s talk about Whoop Ass beer, actually you know drink that beer, but let’s focus back on this.
(The images of a cold Whoop Ass beer cut away to more pictures of the bikini model as the commercial ends with the tag line...)
Voice Over: “Whoop Ass beer, Giving you what you want!”
(Back to the editing machine with DEE and PJ.)
DEE: What do you think?
PJ: I loved it so much I need to use the bedroom for about 10 minutes.
DEE: Ew...why?
PJ: You Know! Now let me be and make sure your mom doesn’t knock on the door.
----------------------------(((((Chanel Flip))))) ----------------------------
(Year later Young Natural ICE is still without a home, but this time he is lost in the big city.)
Lil’ ICE: I may still not have any parents still, but at least I can hurt these two morons again.
Criminal Harry: Sucks to be those morons.
Criminal Marv: We are those morons, you moron.
Criminal Harry: Well at least I didn’t get hit with a paint can this time.
Lil’ ICE: No, this one I upgraded to oil drums.
Criminal Marv: Wait, it doesn’t say anything about oil drums in the script!!
(And with a mighty thud the criminals and squashed on the steps as Lil’ ICE crack opens a juice box and flashes his trademark, and back then still cute, smile.)
----------------------------(((((Chanel Flip))))) ----------------------------
STOP
(Natural ICE Beckman turns the TV off and looks back at the room full of suit wearing executives. Their stiff shirts are combined with a confused look that adds to an awkward feeling that has been building up since ICE started his ICE AGE TV presentation. ICE’s smile sours with his confident feelings as the robot like business man all shift in their chairs and cross their arms in disapproval. The head of the executives grunts, rubs his chin and begins to speak for him and his fellow corporate butt kissers. )
Head Executive: And ICE AGE TV is the name of this proposed TV network?
ICE: Well we could also call it Beckman Broadcasting Company.
Another Executive: You mean the BBC?
ICE: Oh, I suppose that shit is taken, but we could name it lots of things, Natural Beckman Channel-
Third Executive: Like NBC?
ICE: Oh okay, what about Cocktailed Broadcasting Company?
Fourth Executive: You mean CBS?
ICE: Fine, so maybe we stick with ICE AGE TV.
Head Executive: And who exactly is this Gonzo character you seem to take so many shots at?
Another Executive: Yes, and might I remind you, Mr. Beckman, that Disney now owns the Muppets.
Third Executive: Yes and those Disney Lawyers are way worse than any villain in any of their movies.
ICE: Even worse than Ursula from Little Mermaid?
Third Executive: One of them looks like her, but he is much meaner.
ICE: Don’t you mean She?
Fourth Executive: No, he means HE and that lawyer, like them all, is odd looking and very hateful!!
ICE: Well the Gonzo I am talking about isn’t that Gonzo...except for the one spoof of mine...besides that person would change from week to week.
Head Executive: Hmmm, people don’t like all new characters on their shows anymore.
Another Executive: Yes, let us not forgot how bad Quantum Leap: The Return failed?
ICE: Quantum Leap: The Return, I never heard of that show.
Third Executive: Exactly.
ICE: Alright a few hiccups, but otherwise you liked it, right?
Head Executive: And what is with this channel flip business?
ICE: That is the key to the whole thing, for now that this is officially Gonzo Deuce’s America...
(Somewhere the spirit of Roman and ZMAC’s displeasure makes ICE shiver with those words.)
ICE: Anyways, as I was saying...this is Gonzo’s America, meaning the land of the more worried about the easy way out, more worried about the easy way out, hence we are going to be the first channel on TV that flips the remote for you.
Another Executive: That would lead the American audience more time to eat chips and dip.
Third Executive: The people at Lays would like that idea.
Head Executive: Sure, but what about these people on the show. I saw a lot of different actors, meaning a lot of different paychecks.
ICE: Well they are mostly just a mix of community theater actors and homeless people.
Head Executive: Well they acted like they’re not professionals, that is for sure.
Another Executive: Didn’t you just tell the star of your best show that a mannequin could do his job?
Head Executive: Hmm, yes I suppose I did, but tell me do you want to be fired today?
Another Executive: He is right Mr. Beckman, all those parts with decent actors would cost a lot.
Fourth Executive: And what about copyright laws, right boss?
Head Executive: Yeah what about them Mr. Beckman?
ICE: Um, I am assuming “Fuck Those Laws” isn’t an appropriate answer.
Third Executive: And besides who will watch all this non-sense?
Another Executive: Yes, anyone who would bother looking over all this silliness must have some sort of mental issue.
(Silence in the room as everyone looks at you the viewer.)
ICE: Yes, but this is the Time of the ICE Age...for if you make it, they will come.
(The flood of negativity that has been filling up the room suddenly seems to wash away with ICE’s hopeful spirit...for this is the time of the Vapor Kings...this is the time of the ICE AGE...how could they say no?)
Head Executive: It is a NO, Mr. Beckman.
(The business men all fill out with making eye contact with the much larger WCF World Champion. ICE takes a few moments before picking up his title belt from the conference room table and walking out to the lobby where Dee and PJ have been waiting for him.)
DEE: Did they say Yes, ICE?
ICE: Nope.
PJ: Aren’t you mad?
ICE: Yep.
DEE: So, what now?
ICE: I hurt Gonzo, like really hurt Gonzo; put him back in his place.
PJ: I don’t get it.
ICE: It’s how We Conquer the Hate.
PJ: Sounds like it sucks to be Gonzo.
DEE: Well it will be on Sunday.
(ICE Beckman smiles while grasping his title with anger in his fingertips.)
The Channel Flip