More Pedantic Promo (with Porcine Plot Progression Padding) Sept 28, 2014 16:50:51 GMT -5
Post by Bryan "Buzz" Worthy on Sept 28, 2014 16:50:51 GMT -5
More Pedantic Promo (with Porcine Plot Progression Padding)
*Bryan Worthy stood in the lobby of the Poon Guinean Embassy in Washington DC. He wore a suit and tie, and slung over his shoulder is one of those leather messenger bags that could pass as a purse if you’re one of those boorish major jocks insecure in your masculinity.*
Poon Guinean Guardsman assigned to monitor the Capitalist Running Dog Journalist: Nice purse.
*Buzz ignored the dig. He was focused instead on the arrival of his scheduled appointment. Sandy Baggins, Director of the People for the Ethical Treatment of Swine, descended the antechamber’s spiral staircase. She had made the choice to ‘dress native’, and given the predilections of Poon Guinea’s unquestioned lord and master, that meant wearing something short and slinky. The result was not oft-putting, until one remembered the history she and Worthy shared.*
Sandy Baggins: Bryan. How nice to see you. I trust the traffic wasn’t too too bad.
Buzz: Decidedly less harrowing than some of my more recent commutes.
*This is in reference to his and Sandy’s recent drive to visit Seth Lerch at WCF Headquarters; a trip where Buzz spent most of the time with the muzzle of a .22 revolver jammed into his ribs. The owner of said sidearm waved off the passive aggressive retort. Quite literally: her milky white wrist bent in an airy angle, as if she were using her clunky mahogany bracelet to deflect the jibe as Wonder Woman would with a bullet aimed at her eagle emblazoned chest.*
Sandy: Now, Bryan, you shouldn’t be fretting over a trivial abuction. You’re part of the midcard now; having your life threatened comes with the territory.
*The woman’s pug nose wrinkled in displeasure before continuing with her harangue.*
Sandy: And really, I’m the one who should be upset. You ratted me out. What kind of babyface calls the police to settle a dispute? You’re supposed to handle these things yourself, Bryan. Someone needs to smarten you up.
*Worthy’s calm demeanor cracked slightly. A wrestler, even one as congenial as he, never likes to be lectured on the business by a mark. He strode over to meet the young woman at the bottom of the stairs and glowered at her.*
Buzz: Where are we meeting?
*The two are escorted to a small office off one of the lobby’s many alcoves. Likely a room where the embassy’s security force sweats out visitors, there’s just enough room from a desk and two chairs. Buzz and Sandy each choose their seats and stare expectantly at the other.*
Buzz: Before we begin, I have a question.
Sandy: On or off the record, Bryan?
Buzz: This is just to satisfy my curiosity.
Sandy: Then ask away.
*The young woman leaned back in her chair, hands behind her head; fingers entwined elbows akimbo. She was clearly quite pleased with herself.*
Buzz: How did you pull off convincing Bobby Cairo to grant you asylum?
Sandy: Governor Cairo and I have similar goals.
Buzz: Giving Seth Lerch grief?
Sandy: Promoting pig rights.
*Buzz was dubious, and his expression showed it. Poon Guinea’s latest political chess piece attempted to convince him.*
Sandy: Did you see his War promo? The affection he showed Percy Micro II? You cannot fake that. Robert Cairo is a friend to the swinish race. A true believer who removed from power the man responsible for more pig deaths than anyone in history.
*It took a while for Bryan to make the connection.*
Buzz: Sandy, that was a different Jimmy Dean.
*She brushed aside the assertion with another flip of her carpus.*
Sandy: I answered your question, Bryan. Let’s move on. What have you brought me?
*Bryan removed the laptop from his messenger bag and plugged it in to a nearby outlet. After booting it up and opening a Power Point file, he would turn the computer’s screen so that it faced Sandy. The presentation officially began.*
Buzz: I’ve found four possible acts that could serve your purpose as role models for your swine’s rights movement. None of them are currently under contract with WCF, but I believe all would be open to signing a developmental deal with us. First up is “Pork Roast” Jones.
*On the monitor there is a stock photo of an African American male, thick around the middle, with jeri-curled hair and tights that display various cuts of pork. He looks very much a throwback to the Old South style of wrestler: a big meaty brawler who could handle any fan dumb enough to call him out on wrestling being “fake”. Sandy glances at the image and shakes her head disapprovingly.*
Sandy: No. No “Pork Roasts”. No roasts, no chops, no loins, no ribs. No references to bacon, ham, sausage, hocks, or shanks. We are trying to educate the public that pigs are more than just the “other white meat”, Bryan. This man’s gimmick isn’t the way to achieve that goal, but the cause of it.
Mike: He’s a very talented wrestler, with great charisma.
Sandy: Then Seth can sign and repackage him as “Beef Roast” Jones. Next.
*Buzz reaches across the table and presses a button to show the next slide. This is of an attractive woman, her chestnut brown hair braided into twin pig tails, and wearing a prosthetic snout. Her ring gear is a tied off gingham work shirt and a pair of daisy dukes.*
Mike: This is Sowfia Bush. Right now she is working as a valet in the Yonkers Intergender Furry Fighting Federation, but she does have some in-ring training. With some work… a lot of work… she could probably make it to WCF’s main roster.
*Sandy doesn’t reject the prospect out of hand, instead choosing to watch the clips of Sowfia’s ring and promo work.*
Sandy: Well, she is certainly an eyeful, isn’t she? In need of seasoning, but still, there is a tremendous upside in having such a physically striking woman serve the cause. Does she turn you on, Bryan?
Bryan: I don’t judge talent on their looks.
Sandy: Oh, of course you don’t. How gallant. But let’s pretend Sowfia Bush isn’t a wrestler, but just a girl you met on the street. What would you think then?
Buzz: I’d wonder why she’s wearing a pig nose.
*Sandy laughed; a staccato barrage of air gulping snorts. Worthy stared at the woman, half-expecting her to hyperventilate. Instead she composed herself and gives him a bawdy wink.*
Sandy: I think it looks good on her. The pig is the most sensual of the cloven animals.
*Worthy doesn’t comment. He’s afraid Sandy might elaborate on the topic, letting lose information no sane person would want to know. Unpausing the video, we see two wrestlers in colorful lucha style ring gear. Their masks are distinctively porcine: with broad flat noses and floppy ears.*
Buzz: Cerdo Engrasado y Cerdo Volador are a journeymen tag team out of Mexico. They’ve worked in about a half dozen smaller promotions. Very solid in-ring, with good reputations. The drawback would be that neither one speaks much English. If you wanted them to promote your pro-pig dogma it would need to be done through a translator.
*Again, Sandy seemed intrigued. She watched the highlight reel of the two high flyers in action, and is impressed with their hops. When it’s revealed that the back of their tights have curly q tails stitched to them, she gave a squeal of delight.*
Sandy: How adorable! The kids will love them. And that’s really who we need to educate. The next generation of swineophiles are the ones who will bring this movement to the mainstream. We’ll just have to find them a mouthpiece. How’s your Spanish, Bryan?
*Buzz decided to lie.*
Buzz: Terrible. But if it’s this act you choose to go with, I’m sure we could find someone to represent the pair.
Sandy: I hear that Isaac Salinger is looking for clients.
*Buzz gave a non-committed shrug and cued the laptop up to show Sandy the last candidate. He was a large man, broad and thick, with short ashen colored hair. He was wearing a pink singlet with the word “Hog” emblazoned across his chest, as well as a leather jacket.*
Buzz: This is Hog Wilder. He’s worked primarily in some indy feds out Southern California. He’s big: six foot ten and weighs 320. Wrestles your typical big man style. He’s a solid wrestler, though it should be clear that the origin of his name is motorcycle related. He’s a biker, not a pig enthusiast.
Sandy: Then why did you include him as a possible candidate?
Buzz: Wilder has been trying to break into the big leagues for years. When I talked to him about this opportunity, he expressed a willingness to tweak his persona some.
*Sandy studied the clips of Hog Wilder working, doing typical hoss things to opponents much smaller than he was.*
Sandy: So, he wouldn’t be a true believer then? That’s a shame.
Buzz: Sandy, none of these wrestlers are going to buy into what you’re selling. You’re going to have to compromise your principles some on this.
*The woman smirked at the statement.*
Sandy: Oh, is that what you recommend, Bryan? That I compromise? Is that how you do your business? Are you planning to compromise during War Sunday? Dog it during your TV Title match and save your strength for the big Battle Royal? Or maybe see if you can strike some kind of deal with John Gable: “let me keep my belt and I’ll help you earn that main event match at One?”
*Bryan bristled at Sandy’s line of questioning. He leaned in to close the laptop so he had an unobstructed view of her.*
Buzz: No. I never compromise in that ring. What we do, how we perform there, matters more than anything else.
*Sandy, still grinning, mimicked Worthy’s posture. She hunched her shoulders forward and gripped the sides of the table.*
Sandy: Then don’t ask me to do the same. Don’t ask me to compromise in MY War.
Buzz: The difference is, MY War is winnable.
*This claim elicited more hoggish guffaws from Sandy.*
Sandy: Bryan, you don’t stand a chance of winning War.
Buzz: I disagree.
Sandy: Then you’re deluded.
Buzz: No: confident.
Sandy: The level of competition you’re facing is too great to be making statements like that. You’re fighting above your weight class.
Buzz: I can beat any of the other entrants.
Sandy: Oh, how about Randall Kash? You know nothing about him.
Buzz: I know he’s entering War to make a statement, and that he thinks the best way to do that is by going after Jonny Fly. Big mistake on both counts. You want to win War? Don’t go in with any other strategy than being the last man standing.
*Sandy Baggins started to list more War participants, conveniently omitting those Worthy mentioned in his earlier promo. Coincidence, or blatant contrived hack fraudery?*
Sandy: Night Rider.
Buzz: He’s good, good enough to squash me in a match a few months back. But this is a different time. WCF has changed a lot even during his short time away. That fact, combined with his own ring rust, will keep him from a truly dominant showing.
*Bryan arched an eyebrow questioningly.*
Buzz: Greenfever’s dead.
Sandy: The Smart Market is reporting he’s going to be a surprise War entrant.
Buzz: That’s click bait, Sandy. The man died. Blew himself up in his own van.
Sandy: But if he were alive, and he did enter War, you’d beat him?
Sandy: How about Switches the Clown?
Buzz: Him too.
Sandy: How about Grayson Pierce?
Buzz: Livewire’s a talented guy. His bad luck was running into the Vapor Kings buzzsaw repeatedly. Honestly, I think those losses have taken a toll on him. He seems all over the place right now, in and out of the ring. He’s unfocused. To win War, you have to be focused. You have to have your head on a swivel. An elimination can from anywhere, by anyone.
Buzz: A dangerous wrestler. Savage, almost feral in the ring. And surprisingly solid for a smaller guy. He doesn’t seem too interested in winning titles or matches though. He fights hard, but not smart.
Sandy: And to win War, you have to fight smart. Justin Cash.
Buzz: Justin is one of the few people on the roster currently that I’ve actually pinned. I know how to beat him if it comes to that. But I don’t expect a second confrontation between us to be easy. He was really impressive in that tag match last week at Slam.
Sandy: Kaz Mazy.
Buzz: He’s good. Very energetic. But I’m not sure if he’s aware of what’s truly at stake in a War Match. He’s definitely not aware of the rules; despite what he thinks War is not an over the top rope Battle Royal. Hopefully he becomes aware of that before Sunday. Otherwise his time in the ring is going to be very short.
Sandy: Alright: Deuce Murdock.
Buzz: A tough out. A very capable wrestler who when he gets his mind right is going to be a dominant force here in WCF. There’s a lot of rage in him, though. When you combine that with all the drugs flooding his system, Deuce’s head just isn’t in the right place to win War. A soldier may have to work himself into a mad frenzy to make that charge into enemy gunfire, but like he’s posted on social media, this isn’t a real battle. All we’re fighting for here is the chance to win a belt. You’re not risking your life for your country or for your buddies. Unless the highly unlikely happens you’re not risking your life at all. So in this War, you can get away with being a bit more cautious and still come away with the win.
Sandy: Brent “Pig Killer” Alpine.
Buzz: The Shine is an amazing talent. He might act oblivious to the rest of the roster, but it’s clear from his promos and how he fights he’s done his research when it comes to his opponents. Brent as a wrestler is as close as you’ll come to finding a true artist in WCF. But that’s not always a good thing. With artistic ability also comes artistic temperament, and I think that could cost him. You try to be flashy in something as ugly and hectic as a War match, and it can come back and bite you.
*The woman paused the litany long enough to pay Bryan a compliment.*
Sandy: Sounds like you’ve done your research as well.
Buzz: I try to keep informed.
Sandy: Moving on then. Daniel Booker.
Buzz: Heh. Just as I was congratulating myself for knowing my opponents, you bring up Booker. He’s a bit of a mystery. He was brought in by Corey Black to help shore up Pantheon after Steve Orbit quit the group, and while he has been serviceable, I haven’t seen anything spectacular in his work. I’m waiting, the entire WCF Galaxy is waiting to see brilliance from him, but we’re not getting it. Maybe it will show up Sunday, but I’m not expecting it. I think it’s much more likely he’s going to be a victim of one of the many, MANY people in the match who would love to brag about eliminating a member of Pantheon.
Sandy: Jahani al-Reb.
Buzz: Another man I don’t know as much about as I should. I’m assuming he’s your favorite wrestler, given his faith’s dietary restrictions?
*Worthy gave the woman a not entirely unfriendly smirk. She responded in kind.*
Sandy: Why, you’re my favorite wrestler, Bryan. Especially since I’m not sure how devout a Muslim al-Reb really is.
Buzz: Right. I suppose we shouldn’t be speculating about a man’s religious devotion. Let’s talk about what we do know: Jahani al-Reb is cocky. He’s arrogant. Too arrogant, given his lack of ability. There’s no denying the raw talent is there. He could be something great. But right now, he’s not at that level yet.
Sandy: What about Alex Richards?
Buzz: I think Alex is going to have a real strong performance at War. I’ve wrestled him before, I even pinned him, but that was a while back. Before he dropped his “deliverer of Enlightenment” persona and became zany. And that’s worked for him. Alex’s beaten some big names since then: Logan, Jeff Purse, Johnny Reb, Jayson Price. Just used his size and weight and buried them. It’s been an impressive run. And I think it will continue Sunday. Especially if he gets the chance to work with Chelsea Armstrong and the other wrestlers he’s been aligning himself with to cause havoc backstage.
Sandy: Team Friend Zone?
Buzz: Or whatever they’re calling themselves. If fate is kind to them and they’re able to work together in the ring for an extended period of time, those guys could clean house. But in the end, there’s only one winner at War. Some wrestlers are going to take advantage of an ally when the back is turned. All’s fair, right? You have to fight smart as well as hard. I’m just not sure Alex is smart enough to know when the time is right to make your move on a friend to get that key pin fall.
Sandy: How about Jay Omega?
Buzz: Yeah, he’s smart enough. Jay’s another one who is going to impress people Sunday. I read and hear a lot of the veterans downplaying this guy. That’s a mistake. Jay Omega has not been pinned here in WCF. Meanwhile, he’s beaten some strong talent: Zombie McMorris, Jayson Price, Oblivion, and Michael Easton. He may seem flighty, but he’s no lightweight. Honestly, he reminds me of a more “out there” Kid slash Polar Phantasm.
Sandy: That’s high praise.
Buzz: It is. But he deserves it. Jay Omega is going to be a big name here in WCF. He has the talent and the motivation. But at War, Sunday, there are going to be legends in that match. It wouldn’t surprise me if he eliminates a couple of them. But I don’t think he knows exactly what it takes to compete at the top level here. Give him a while, let him get a bit more grounded, and he will. But not this Sunday.
Sandy: Do you know?
Buzz: I beg your pardon?
Sandy: Do you know what it takes to compete at the top level here?
*For a while Bryan didn’t speak. He looked away from Sandy, staring absently at the picture of the Poon Guinean flag framed on the wall behind her.*
Buzz: I know, and, like the cartoon said: “Knowing is half the battle”. But the other half is having the talent and drive to apply what you know. That’s the trick.
*Worthy focused his attention back on his inquisitor.*
Buzz: Who’s next?
Sandy: Zombie McMorris.
Buzz: Very dangerous. Strong and nasty in the ring. Out of every wrestler on the roster, he might have the best balance of fury and cunning for a match like War. He’s going to be a tough man to beat. He’s just as capable of beating your brains out and pinning you or using his brains to let others do the dirty work and then pick the bones. But I think I can take him. I remember, years ago, Zombie cut a promo where he called himself a gateway for the undercard. He was someone you had to get by to move up the ranks. Some people can do it, some people can’t. I’m one of the latter.
Sandy: And what’s Jayson Price?
Buzz: Lately, and I’m sure he’d agree, he’s been a disappointment. This is the man who just a couple months back fought Steve Orbit to a draw for the World Title. Now, a tie doesn’t mean much in other sports, but in pro-wrestling, especially when you’re fighting for a championship, that’s a major feat. But since then, what has he done? Walked out from Ultimate Showdown as Internet Champion; which he has to consider a consolation prize. He’s lost matches to Jay Omega and Johnny Reb, and was dismantled by Steve in his own signature Clockwork Orange House of Fun match. For a lesser wrestler that might not seem like an indictment of their performance. But this is Jayson Price. When he’s one, Jayson can dish out more pain through words and deeds than anyone, but lately, he hasn’t shown it. I know he was kept from competing by Seth the last few weeks. But I don’t know if he was cleared to fight if things would be any better for him. And to have his return set for War, with so much on the line for everyone involved; that’s a hard venue to stage a comeback.
Sandy: Johnny Reb?
Buzz: A former War winner, so he has that going for him. Johnny’s an amazing worker. Fluid in the ring. No move wasted. If I was to show a non-fan an example of a wrestler’s work, just to see how graceful it can be, Johnny Reb would likely be my choice. I don’t know how well he’s going to do this Sunday though. He seems distracted, like he has bigger things to worry about. And a match like War should be a wrestler’s primary concern. Otherwise, you’re going to lose.
Sandy: Another War winner: Jeff Purse.
Buzz: There’s been some jibes directed towards Jeff lately about his mercurialness, if that’s a word.
Sandy: It is.
Buzz: OK. Good. People thinking that this return is going to be like a couple of his more recent ones, where he doesn’t live up to the hype. “The Future is History”. But he isn’t “The Future” anymore, he’s “The Rapture” and that could mean big trouble for all of us. Whatever else this preacher Terry Andrews has done to him, he’s seemed to have gotten him focused. And when that happens, from what I’ve seen, Jeff can beat anybody. It’s just a shame he has to become a puppet’s puppet to do it. The one advantage I have if it comes down to me versus Jeff is that I have free will. I don’t need to rely on the words of some bible thumping marionette to motivate me. Father Terry Andrews can’t fight Jeff’s battles for him. He can’t be there giving sermons at ringside to boost his spirits. Well, maybe he can, but odds are if that happens somebody will wind up dropkicking him into the cheap seats. Which isn’t very Christian I know, but if you listen to what Terry Andrews is preaching, neither is here.
Buzz: The third of four wrestlers who’ve won War. He’s a Hall of Famer. As ruthless a wrestler you’ll find in the history of WCF. But I think this Sunday he’s going to have some difficulty. Seeing what I have, Gravedigger seems a lot more focused on the big established names in WCF than of the lesser known talents. And that could hurt him. A challenge could come from anywhere, not just from one of the big guns. Especially when the list of supposed no names in this match are so talented.
Buzz: He’s before my time in the company. I know he’s controversial, and based on recent actions I can understand why. To jump an opponent after their match and beat them down, only later to refuse to answer a challenge from your victim, that’s bad form. He’s another one, like Gravedigger, that I don’t think is aware how good this roster is. What happened the last time Torture showed up earlier this year? S-PAC beat him twice. War is going to be another humbling experience for him.
Sandy: We’re getting near the end. Corey Black?
Buzz: One of the best WCF wrestlers ever. But for whatever reason, he doesn’t seem to be too amped up for War. He’s on record as not being a fan of the match. You would think someone with his ability, and his ego, would want to win it, and add it to his list of already impressive accomplishments. He seems more focused on keeping the tag titles at War, and beating Steve Orbit, than having his hand raised at the end of the War match itself. That’s fine with me.
Sandy: Steve Orbit.
Buzz: He’s the man. Nobody else on the roster has had the run he has the last year or so. Always here, always fighting, and always against the best names on the WCF roster. He’s both workhorse and show horse. He’s held WCF up like Atlas. And despite this, he was one of the most relatable, most human of the stars here. The Mack, in his prime, was easy to root for. In a society that tends to favor the underdog, that was a big accomplishment, because there’s no one here that can say they have something on Steve Orbit. That’s changed though, at least for me, when he went to join the Vapor Kings. I can understand walking away from Pantheon. To be blunt, they treated him like shit. But there’s a code you got to follow as a wrestler. Part of that is ‘you don’t turn on your partners during a match.’ Jonny Fly did it to Steve before War, and it was wrong. Jayson Price did the same later on. Of course the guy left the group! What else would any sane man do?
*Sandy looks at her watch.*
Buzz: Ok, ok… moving on. Steve Orbit signing on with the Vapor Kings was disheartening. It’s like he’s given up. Hanging out with Buddy Roman and company, turning your back on the principles that made him great, was not being smart. It was being weak. And it’s that weakness that’s going to cost him at War.
Sandy: Jonny Fly.
Buzz: He’s a beast. Nobody is better at dissecting an opponent. His tolerance for pain and stamina are phenomenal. I admire him, and not just for his talent. For the most of his time here, he does business the right way, at least in the ring. I’m not talking about his, uh, extracurriculars. Sure, he’s cocky, and he has no problem talking down to the opposition. But words are just words. They shouldn’t hurt. Blindsiding a guy to get an advantage? Or going after their loved ones? Things that do hurt more than just your sense of self-worth? He doesn’t do that. He just says what he’s going to beat you between those ropes and then he does it.
Sandy: So how are you going to beat him?
Buzz: I think defending the Tag belts is going to take a lot out of him. Plus, everyone is going to be gunning for him. The bad part about talking smack is that you make yourself a target. Jonny’s going to be the man everyone wants to eliminate at War. To be the one that shuts him up.
Sandy: Governor Robert C Cairo
Buzz: Bobby Cairo is rested, tanned, and ready. He wants this War win. Like Corey, it’s one of the few WCF honors he doesn’t have. Plus, winning the War match is his first step in world domination, so he’s going to be extra motivated. And he has all the skills to do it. He’s as smart and creative a wrestler you’ll find. You put Bobby against anyone on the WCF roster, one on one, and he’s going to be the favorite.
Sandy: That’s it?
*Buzz pointed to the clock on the wall.*
Sandy: Who can stop him?
Buzz: I can. Bobby has me when it comes to experience and technique, but I will carry the day because my heart is pure and I don’t want America to fall under the control of a Poon Guinean slash Canadian slash Russian slash Netherlands alliance. Also, I’m going to bring a magnet to the ring. In my trunks.
Buzz: Just ask me about John Gable!
Sandy: Right. Your last opponent, John Gable, you need to face twice. First for your TV Title, and then during the War match. What do you think of your chances?
Buzz: I want to win. I need to win. When I first beat John for the Television Championship, it wasn’t by pinning him. It was a victory, yes, but not a decisive one, especially since I think John wasn’t performing at his best that night. That’s why I’ve been ribbing him these past couple weeks. That’s why I refurbished the belt from the Cinema Title back to the Television One. That’s why I sand bagged him with the “act off”. I wanted him motivated, so that next time we faced for the belt, he’d bring his best. Because that’s what makes these titles and matches matter. Facing a man who’s coming a man with everything he has, and win or lose, giving back as good as you get. Otherwise, there’s no point. Hopefully I’ve done what I set out to, and John Gable is grinding his teeth, impatiently waiting for the chance to put me in my place.
*They both check the clocks.*
Buzz: What else?
Sandy: Just a reminder that, War or no War, you still need to find me a positive role model pig wrestler. I may be cooped up here at the embassy, and unable to get at you or Seth personally, but don’t forget that the members of PETS are many. We are Legion.
*That last line? Biblical pig reference. You can look it up. It’s also where our scene ends.*