VK Studios Presents: “WCF: The Old Folks Home”
Sept 26, 2014 20:36:37 GMT -5
Chelsea Armstrong, Jay Omega, and 1 more like this
Post by Natural ICE Beckman on Sept 26, 2014 20:36:37 GMT -5
(You walk into a semi lit theater and take a seat in the middle for a good view of the big screen. Before the movie begins you begin to flip through a wrestling newspaper that some fat smell guy wearing a Packer’s jersey handed you in the lobby. You skip over articles that talk about the glory of the ICE AGE and then the possible decline of Pantheon, and like any good reader you heard right for the comics...
...the movie begins with a trailer...
When the Roman brothers, Steve Orbit and Natural ICE Beckman, wake up with a hangover, they assume it's just another Tuesday-- until they realize they've been kidnapped, and Steve Orbit's ho is missing! Join the Vapor Kings on their adventure to find Orbit's bitch, as they uncover clues about who is responsible for the kidnapping-- and they soon find out, the stakes are much higher than they could have imagined! Starring Steve Orbit and ICE Beckman, playing themselves, with a cast of talented actors playing the roles of the many WCF superstars they meet along the way. "I was on the edge of my seat the whole time!" - FilmCritics.com "I laughed, I cried, and then I watched the movie and it was pretty good!" - BiPolarReviews.com You won't want to miss "Dude, Where's My Bitch?" in theaters this Fall.
...And now our feature presentation...
The following movie is based on real people played by actors set in a fictional setting. The happenings and events are fictional, but the insults and mockery is very real. Enjoy the show...
Vapor King Studios Presents...
From Brother Roman Productions...
And the mind of Natural ICE Beckman...
A WCF Film...
Starring Natural ICE Beckman as Old ICE
And
“The Mack” Steve Orbit as Old Orbit
WCF: The Old Folks Home
The Year is 2065 A.D.
(The movie opens from the black screen and opening credits to the image of a retirement home set in the suburbs of Philadelphia. The camera begins to zoom in towards the building’s front door. With the magic of movie making we quickly find ourselves moving through the halls and after a few turns we enter a large room that is full of many elderly men and a single elderly woman. The rumblings of the senior citizens being to come to an end as a skinny old man wearing a green t-shirt walks up to a podium. As he clears his throat the camera is now close enough for you to see that it is an actor dressed to look like WCF Owner, Seth Lerch...as an 80 year old man.)
Papa Seth: Alright, alright, quiet down now...it’s time for our weekly residents meeting to come to order.
(The camera begins to pan around the room of senior residents at the WCF old folks home and you begin to see many different actors dressed just like some of your favorite and least favorite WCF wrestler superstars...however like Seth they are all in their 80s and beyond. But with a quick second look thanks to the camera you see that old ICE and old Orbit are being played by the actual ICE and Orbit, both wearing a few old man masks thanks to the hard working make-up people at Vapor Kings studios.)
Old Cairo: What? Speak up!
Papa Seth: Turn up your sonic hearing aide Cairo!
Old Cairo: What?
Old ZMAC: He doesn’t trust those new-fangled sonic hearing aids; believes that the government uses them to steal your thoughts.
Old Daniel Booker: Hey is right not to trust President Bieber!
Old ICE: I still can’t believe we voted a Canadian into office in 2040.
Old Orbit: That’s what we get for finally legalizing free-basing moon rocks in this country...not that it doesn’t help my club business.
Old Corey Black: You still have that old bitch club? Give it up old man.
Old Orbit: Funny you say that, for that is what my girls tell you every time you try to pay them in hundreds.
Old Jonny Fly: Hun reds isnt that much?
Old Omega: Hah, you dumb old fart, with inflation a soda now costs a thousand bucks!
Old Alex Richards: Yeah, remember it’s 2065...you old fart...(Old Alex farts as he says that)...damn those new fiber pills of mine, they have been making me fart all day.
Papa Seth: Please people, can we stay on focused and not have one meeting that is derailed onto the subject of Alex’s poop pills.
Old ICE: Better than hearing Livewire tell bullshit stories about having sex with the robot nurses.
Old Livewire: I swear if you punch 6969 into their keypads they are more than willing to do pleasure you sexually.
Old Cormack MacNeill: I tried that lassie and all she did was pull on my white beard and I don’t have much of it left at my age!
Papa Seth: Please gentlemen, can we stay focused already?
Old Chelsea: Excuse me, what was that Seth? This is still nothing but a boys club after call these years.
(The elderly, but still large, Alex Richards actor farts again and all old men giggle.)
Old Chelsea: Emphasis on the boy part of the boys club of course.
Old Corey Black: Oh come on, you know I am all man.
Old Orbit: Sure, that is why my girls call you Mechanical Penis Man.
Old Corey Black: First off technology has come a long way in the world of metal prosthetic dicks.
Old ICE: Ha, Corey, I didn’t know you were a robot.
Old Corey Black: I was talking about a penis, not me...damnit Jonny, stand up for me already.
Old Jonny Fly: Stand up...like me...but hurts hip
Old Corey Black: Come on Man, I told you not to hang out with Tyler Walker all your life, all that time with him has made you a moron.
Old Tyler Walker: don’t blame me...blame faggots, they be what is wrong with most things
Old Omega: Don’t go to Florida and say that these days.
Old ICE: Yeah ever since the 193rd Amendment in which the South agreed not to start another civil is all gays moved to Florida.
Papa Seth: Gosh darn you old bastards...(sees grandma Chelsea glaring at him)...and old bastedrites, if you don’t all shut up right now, I will cancel Friday’s Space Bingo faster than the MLB baseball commissioner cancelled their Gorillas as players program.
Old ICE: That did help boost ratings.
Old Orbit: Yeah, and instead of bean balls the Gorillas threw shit balls.
Old ZMAC: Until the Mets team was involved in that fatal Gorilla attack in the showers.
Papa Seth: As I was saying, we have a very busy week of events planned in order to well, you know, keep our thoughts away from dying soon.
Old Steeltoe: Who worries about death, for god’s glory wakes for us all in the afterlife?
Old ICE: Shut up Joe, we all know Science proved God doesn’t exist back in 2033.
Old Steeltoe: Stupid Science, made my portable church business with Jeff Purse go bankrupt.
Old Jeff Purse: Oh nuts to that, we went out of business after you mooned the conjugation!
Old Steeltoe: I told you my pants ripped!
Old Jeff Purse: You were yelling “Fuck Science! Fuck Mr. No God! Kiss my Ass EVERYONE!”
Old Steeltoe: I would never say that about my lord and savior! How dare you spread those lies!
(Both of the old WCF wrestlers stand up and begin to fight with their lazer-cranes like they are lightsabers. As they begin to battle the rest of the old crowd begins to chant “fight, fight, fight” as a siren begins to go off; soon two robot nurses come rolling into the room and pull the old religious men apart and carry them screaming out of the room.)
Old Jeff Purse: Damn technology! Let me got robots!
Old Steeltoe: Quiet you! Even robots are God’s creatures.
(The door to the room is closed behind the robots.)
Papa Seth: About time those two got kicked out of here.
Old ZMAC: That should have happened after Buzz Worthy lodged that compliment about them pushing him into a broom closet and pulling what the fucking kids now refer to as a Catholic Cram.
Old Buzz Worthy: That was back when I had my looks, aw the good old days.
Old Corey Black: Get back to the schedule Papa Seth! This is taking forever.
Old ICE: Calm down Corey, not like you and your bitch tits are going anywhere.
Old Corey Black: I don’t have tits anymore...I had them removed.
Old John Gable: I remember that weird phase in American culture when all those men got boob jobs. It was really big in Hollywood.
Old Alex Richards: I never saw the need for that surgery.
Old Omega: Well of course you didn’t. I mean look at you.
Old Alex Richards: Hey, what does that mean!...(farts)...Damnit you got me so mad, I farted.
Old ICE: Sure that is the reason.
Papa Seth: Can I get through this schedule already.
Old Cairo: What? Speak up!
Papa Seth: Fuck I will just post it on the bulletin board!
Old Torture: Little good that does me!
Papa Seth: Oh sorry Torture I forgot you one were one the victims of those Google 2040 glasses.
Old Torture: They never warned you not to wear them for a year straight! And now I am blind! BLIND!
Old Destroyer: Oh boo hoo, listening to you makes me wish I was deaf!
Old Torture: Who said that?! How dare whoever you are you say that! Now where are you so I can knock you over the head with my hover walker!?
(Old Torture gets up and swings his hover walker and strikes a Food Replicator machine! He thinks the machine is the elderly Destroyer and begins to attack it. Meanwhile Old Destroyer gets up and begins to attack Old Torture from behind. Again the rest of the old men residents begin to chant “Fight, Fight” as a sirens goes off and the robot nurses once again come in and grabs the two old farts from fighting.)
Papa Seth: You know what fellas, that brings me to another issue. Lately the Robot nurses have been complaining that we are getting into way too many fights.
Old Gravedigger: Oh who cares? Torture is usually just staying in bed anyhow these days. No one will miss him.
Papa Seth: Like you don’t like naps yourself...And as I was saying, I didn’t create this Retirement Home and invite you all to live here to fight all day.
Old ZMAC: Well that is fucking stupid; that is all we fucking did back in the day.
Papa Seth: Well I needed someone to hang out with after World War Seven killed my whole family.
Old ICE: Damn those Penguins for starting that.
Old Orbit: Blame Microsoft, they are the ones who gave them all computer chips for their brains to make the new Penguin IPod.
Papa Seth: I mean, all I knew about life was dealing with you bunch of asses. And frankly, I kind of missed it.
Old Gravedigger: Wow, that was really nice of you to say Papa Seth.
Old Alex Richards: Yeah, this is a special moment....(farts)...which I just ruined...along with my pants.
Old Corey Black: Ha, way to shit your pants fatty.
Old Jonny Fly: did corey again?
Old Corey Black: I wasn’t talking about me...besides I don’t have accidents anymore.
Old Alex Richards: Not that I need to know, but I need to know...how do you stop them?
Old Corey Black: Well, it depends.
Old Jonny Fly: he means he wears diapers
Old Corey Black: Shut up about that!
Old Tyler Walker: don’t tell him to shut it up, you shut it up
Old ICE: I have never heard him sound smarter.
Old Orbit: He is almost as smart as Einstein?
Buzz Worthy: Albert Einstein, the scientist from the mid 1900s?
Old Omega: Or Cluck-cluck Einstein, that chicken who won American Idol 2041?
Old Orbit: Neither, I meant Carl Einstein, the inventor of the Zero Gravity Strip Club.
Papa Seth: Alright, time to wrap this up since it is starting to smell in here thanks to Alex and all the orpiment. Now I am going to post the week’s event schedule and remember no more fighting!
Old Kazy Mazy: Not even over the remote, because I have to watch Ultimate Fighter Project Runway Big Brother, it’s my favorite show on the Facebook Channel!
Old Omega: Oh damn, I love that show too. I can’t believe Marsha the Martian got killed last week.
Old Kazy Mazy: I don’t know, it was so cool how the Bigfoot guy suplexed her through that hoover couch!
Old Corey Black: Can you all just shut up so we can see the schedule already!
Old Jonny Fly: Don’t poop his pants.
Old ICE: Got that Fly?
Old Jonny Fly: I got me? I do
Old Corey Black: God damn you and your TylerWalker Disease.
Old Buzz Worthy: TylerWalker Disease? Isn’t that what Biohazard died of?
Old Livewire: Him and all those kids who took those Pantheon Brand vitamin shots in the 2020s.
Old Corey Black: Hey those kids did those shots by their own free will and according to the Supreme Court I had nothing to do with my shots...I mean NOT my shots. EVERYONE SHUT UP!
Old Cairo: What? You’re fucked up!
Old ZMAC: Speaking of that, isn’t it almost Laser Medication time?
Old ICE: Yeah, everyone Shut Up!
(The room of old WCFers comes to a respectful silence, even Alex’s asshole keeps it quite, as the ICE AGE seems to continue, even now in the year 2065. You sink down farther in the chair as you watch Papa Seth walk over and post the week’s event schedule on the hollow gram bulletin board with some sort of laser pointer like stapler. Meanwhile the movie changes camera angles and focuses in on the old men heroes of the movie...Old ICE Beckman, Old Steve Orbit and Old Zombie McMorris.)
Old ICE: Wow, that was the shortest meeting we have ever had.
Old Orbit: Well no one died this time.
Old ZMAC: Yeah, that reminds me to send flowers to the funerals Shawn Scholes and Justin Cash.
Old ICE: Really?
Old ZMAC: No, of course not...I was being sarcastic.
Old Orbit: Nice retro joke man. Which is cool these days...since it is fucking 2065.
Old ICE: I just hope the audience gets that by now.
(All three of the old Vapor Kings look at the camera and smile.)
Old ZMAC: Well I don’t give a shit about that...I have one decent knee which gives me a chance to still get first in line at the Medicine window, so see you two later.
(Old ICE and Orbit watch their friend and partner hobble with the speed of a jaguar when compared to the rest of the old WCFers towards the best part of any old person’s day, no matter the year.)
Old ICE: Wow, ZMAC has gotten nicer with old age.
Old Orbit: Damn, I just thought that he has gotten meaner.
Old ICE: Speaking of mean, what about the old dick Corey and his little buddy?
Old Orbit: Like how Jonny is now dumber than any Canadian who voted yes for that Make Us America’s New Sewer Runoff bill?
Old ICE: No, not that, and by the way don’t bring that up to Omega.
Old Orbit: Did he vote yes?
Old ICE: Not only that, but he donated money to the cause for the bill...tells me now that he thought it would help Hockey somehow.
Old Orbit: Then what about Corey and Jonny?
Old ICE: Look at them check out that schedule and evilly laugh.
Old Orbit: Are you sure they aren’t just passing gas?
Old ICE: Well Jonny might be, but Corey is defiantly evilly laughing.
(The elderly Alex just happens to be walking by.)
Old Alex Richards: Trust an expert guys, ICE is right about both of them...and which way to that bathroom?
Old ICE: That way and how do you not remember that, you live here too?
Old Alex Richards: Oh I have poop issues and...super dementia. Now stop making fun of me and focus on Corey and Jonny they are the ones up to something with Space Bingo.
Old ICE: We weren’t making fun of you.
Old Orbit: Yeah, that was Corey and Jonny.
Old Alex Richards: Hmmm...if you say so, I can’t remember. And speaking of that remind me to sit on their heads.
Old ICE: Sure, Alex.
Old Alex Richards: Thanks. Now see you later Mr. Hyena and Mr. Orbit.
(Alex is quick to head off, but unfortunately not towards the bathroom which he just forgot he needed to visit.)
Old ICE: How did he remember who you were but not me?
Old Orbit: Easy...I am the only black guy ever in WCF.
Old ICE: Ah...so what do you think those Pantheon fucks are up to?
Old Orbit: I am not sure, but like Alex said, I bet it has something to do with Space Bingo.
Old ICE: They better not mess with that. Fuck, I never thought I would care about Bingo so much, but with this group of competitive old folks, Bingo is like War.
Old Orbit: True, but the only thing that matters in that war show, is knocking out Fly and Corey.
Old ICE: Just like the good old days.
Old Orbit: Exactly...now let’s go get a look at that schedule.
(The movie’s magic helps you as the viewer zoom over to the bullten board and get a good look at the schedule for the week created by Papa Seth...
This Week’s WCF Old Folks Home Event Schedule:
Monday: Petting Zoo Day
Tuesday: Seth’s Birthday Party
Wednesday: Family Visits
Thursday: The Actual Metal Metallica: Robot Rock Show
Friday: Space Bingo on the Moon
...we fade back from the schedule as the scene fades to black. You watch as a few simple words come up on the screen...
Monday: Petting Zoo Day
...the same group of actors dressed as old WCF wrestlers as gathered outside in the hoover car parking lot. They have formed groups or clicks like they did back in the old days in order to go around and see the different kinds of animals. At first you see the strange creatures and wonder what is exactly going on, but then you remember it is the year 2065, so these new animals must have something to do with that. Old ICE and Old Orbit are walking from animal to animal, looking at them behind their force field cages while keeping a suspicious eye on Old Black and Old Fly.)
Old ICE: Fuck man, being old is weird.
Old Orbit: Yeah man, what is with the having to go to the bathroom thing all night?
Old ICE: Yeah, fuck me, I thought I used to piss a lot when I was drinking all that beer.
Old Orbit: Speaking of old being weird, whoever thought I would like petting animals so much.
Old ICE: Well you always did enjoy petting cats.
Old Orbit: You mean pussy cats, yeah, that be true.
Old ICE: Why do we fucking like petting animals so much there days?
Old Orbit: Man, I think we all are just happy to get the fuck out of the building for any damn reason.
(The two senior Vapor Kings walk up to the first animal. In front of the cow and pig like creature is a tiny little robot who is dressed up like the Crocodile Hunter that begins to speak to them about the strange animal in a robotic Australian accent.)
The C.D.I.R.: I am a Crocodile Hunter Information Robot, you will find plenty of my mates along the petting zoo tour today. The animal standing in front of you is the CowPig, a creature like all animals days that has been created by human interference and cloning. The animal was created in 2031 in order to make McDonalds McMoink burger. Feel free to pet it’s head; his name is Kirby.
(Old Orbit and Old ICE each takes turns petting the animals head as they speak)
Old ICE: Reminds me of wrestling MacNeill back in the day with his fucking hairy back.
Old Orbit: Yo, look at what we got here, that’s interesting...(looks over to the side as ICE continues to examine the Cow Pig.)
Old ICE: Yeah, it does have big balls for a CowPig.
Old Orbit: Not that...(looks back)...damn them the best balls since my sponge bath this morning...but look at that ICE.
(Natural OLD Beckman looks over to see Papa Seth having a conversation with Old Black and Old Fly.)
Old ICE: What do you think they are talking to him about?
Old Orbit: I reckon’, fuck I say reckon’ now? Damn I am old. I reckon’ there talking about Friday’s Space Bingo; I mean Seth is the game’s organizer. Those bitches are up to something, trust me I would know.
Old ICE: Fuck they better not be, the one thing I love more than medication time and petting zoo animals is winning at Bingo. It gets my heart going again like being back in the ring, while at least to a level that is okay with my doctor.
The C.D.I.R.: Do you have any questions for me?
Old Orbit: Yeah, can you shut the fuck up?
The C.D.I.R.: Yes. Please let me know if you need anything.
Old ICE: What a polite little robot. He reminds me of that Alpine guy, whatever happened to him.
Old Orbit: Heard something about a flood getting him I think. Damn, they are looking over here...quick, to the next animal.
(Well quick for old guys who wrestled in the ring for most their lives. Finally they make it to the next strange human created animal and Crocodile Hunter Information Robot. This time the Old Kings are not alone at the cage.)
The C.D.I.R.: Welcome to the next animal, mate. This is a Kanga-Koala, it was created by the Australian government in 2019 in order to eat bullfrogs in order to decrease the over whelming bullfrog population. Feel free to pet its neck; its name is Larry.
Old Kazy Mazy: He doesn’t look like a Larry to me.
Old Buzz Worthy: What does he look like?
Old Kazy Mazy: His name should be Barry.
Old Buzz Worthy: I don’t get that, was that a joke?
Old Kazy Mazy: I think so.
Old Buzz Worthy: Hey, as good as any you’ve ever had I suppose.
(The two continue their conversation about bad jokes and slowly walk over to the CowPig, leaving Old Orbit and Old ICE alone, well expect for the C.D.I.R. of course.)
Old ICE: You think Black and Fly are buttering up Papa Seth?
Old Orbit: Only one way to make sure, keep an eye on them all week long.
Old ICE: Alright, but I am still taking my naps.
Old Orbit: Well yeah, and I don’t want to miss Wheel of Misfortune live from the Surface of the Sun this week.
Old ICE: So we will keep an eye on all three of them, it is agreed.
Old Orbit: Well damn, they are looking at us again, quick to the next animal.
(Again they make their way with the old person shuffle walk over to the next animal and small info robot. This animal seems to be a mix of an elephant and a Tyrannosaurs Rex, but it is the size of a sheep. You shake your head as you hear giggles for the poor effects all around the theater. Again ICE and Orbit who are playing themselves in the movie find company at this cage with a few more actors dressed to look like WCF wrestlers. )
The C.D.I.R.: Hope the road is finding you well mates. Welcome to the Elephantsaurs Rex, which was created in 2053 to be a part of Disney World’s updated it’s a small world ride which is now known as It’s a Freaky World Ride. Feel free to pet it’s back, but be careful of the teeth at the bottom of his trunk; his name is Doc.
Old Doc Henry: What did that robot carnation say about me?
Sorta Old Johnny Reb: He was talkin’ bout the animal in the cage.
Old Doc Henry: He better be, I be sick of them robots anyhow. Tried this thing Livewire told me about and almost lost my head to one of them robot nurses.
Sorta Old Johnny Reb: I told ya Doc, a good southerner only listens to God and TV Evangelists.
Old ICE: Damn Johnny, how come you look so fucking young still.
Sorta Old Johnny Reb: All that time travel, messed me up something good.
Old Orbit: But you seem young, that is a good thing.
Sorta Old Johnny Reb: Yeah, that’s true, but it shrunk my balls something awful.
(Just then another actor playing an elderly WCF wrestler comes up.)
Old Livewire: Have you see fellas seen Hyena anywhere? The son of gun chewed up one of my New New Mexico boots.
Old Doc: Who cares about New New Mexico anyhow?
Old Livewire: Um, duh it just happens to be the 69th state of America and home to my favorite singer, Neil Diamond-Springsteen the Third.
Old ICE: Hyena was banded from Petting Zoo day.
Old Orbit: Yeah, Papa Seth caught him humping a Lambkey last time.
Old Doc: If you are looking for a fight, Pierce, I am ready to whoop your ass for that sex trick with the robot nurses you told me about. That thing nearly broke my neck!
Old Livewire: Bring it on old man!
Old Doc: God damnit, we are all old now!
(Both men slowly get over, well more like fall over, the cage’s force field walls to run, well walk at one another for a fight. The Elephantsaurs Rex begins to get spooked.)
The C.D.I.R.: Oh crakey! You seem to have fallen into the cage. I am alerting assistance now, but please remember to not go near the animal.
Old Doc: Don’t tell me my business you damn robot.
Old Livewire: Yeah, I live by my own rules, always have, always will!
(The two old men begin to lock arms and tussle a bit, but not for long at the Elephantsaurs Rex begins to attack them, bringing both men to the ground with ease! Sorta young Johnny Reb jumps into the ring to help, only to get mauled himself.)
Old Orbit: This is boring.
Old ICE: Yeah, let’s go...oh and look at McMorris hustle across the parking lot towards the building, it must me almost medication time...let’s get going too.
Old Orbit: Alright, but after that we go right back to watching that scum Black and that half head clown Fly.
Old ICE: Well after medication and my nap of course.
Old Orbit: Oh and my TV program. Okay, tomorrow we will make sure to keep an eye on them.
(Old Orbit and Old ICE slowly walk away as the Elephantsaurs Rex begins to really put the stomp down on the three old WCFers as the scene fades to black...
Tuesday: Seth’s Birthday Party.
...Old ICE and Old Orbit are helped to their seat around a circular table has a hologram table covering that says Happy 88th Papa Seth in bright colors. And actually on the table are some party favors and party plates. Old ICE and Old Orbit are also both wearing party hats, and seem to act like wearing the silly hats isn’t even their choice.)
Old ICE: Why do we even celebrate Birthdays anymore; with today’s modern medicine if is really tough to die. I mean just ask my fucking liver about that.
Old Orbit: Your original liver?
Old ICE: Original? Yeah right.
(Just then some evil like music plays as two old men come slowly into the scene. Old Black is stroking is big long white beard and Old Fly is holding a big present while smiling and look at some comso balloons.)
Old Corey Black: If it is the Vapor Kings...nice hats boys.
Old Orbit: You wearing one too, you old moron.
Old Corey Black: Damnit, when did the nurse sneak that on me!
Old ICE: Looks like a big present you got there. Trying to butter up Seth a little guys?
Old Jonny Fly: We butter him, he not corn
Old Corey Black: He means that we are bribing Papa Seth, you idiot...now ICE, why would you think that?
Old ICE: Two Words...Space Bingo.
Old Jonny Fly: Ha, space bingo, that three words
Old Orbit: Pantheon math at work again.
Old ICE: It’s not their fault Orbit, Pantheon is only good at subtraction.
Old Corey Black: You know I don’t have to take this crap, I could walk away if I wanted...(tires to walk away, but his hips are too stiff)...Damnit! Nurse come over here and carry me now!
(The robot nurse comes over and picks up Old Corey Black and carries him off to his table as old Fly shuffles behind them.)
Old ICE: Why is that guy such a jerk off?
Old Orbit: Let’s just say there a lot of Pantheon by laws about not making fun of Black’s messed up childhood.
Old ICE: Well whatever in that box must be big and expensive and better than a blanket.
Old Orbit: I told you, it’s an afghan and Seth is going to love it.
(Just then a few more actors dressed as old WCFers sits down at the table.)
Old ZMAC: I am telling you there this new fucking ozone layer is just another way the fucking man can keep an eye on us.
Old Cairo: I hear ya, but I am convinced it is more of a poison that is slowly leaking down and killing the old in order to get rid of Social Security ever!
Old ZMAC: Oh no, listen to me-
Old Orbit: What the hell Cairo, the other day you couldn’t hear shit.
Old Cairo: Oh, yeah, I was just fucking with Papa Seth.
Old ICE: Speaking of him, we think he is working in cahoots with Black and Fly to rig Space Bingo.
Old ZMAC: If those fuckers mess with bingo I will end their lives.
Old Orbit: Right, that is why we are keeping an eye on them all week.
Old Cairo: All week?
Old ICE: Well expect for naps and our programs of course.
Old Cairo: Of course.
Old ZMAC: Hey that fuckface Papa Seth is opening is presents, come on I want to watch this.
Old Orbit: Why?
Old Cairo: Cuz’ ZMAC and I gave him something special.
Old ICE: What is it? I bet its better than a blanket.
Old Orbit: Afghan!
Old ZMAC: Just watch, it is going to be great.
(All the actors playing old WCFers gather around the table where Seth is sitting, with a robot nurse on one side and all his presents, including the big one from Pantheon and one that is shaking from Old ZMAC and Old Cairo.)
Papa Seth: Thanks for all coming today and thanks again for not fighting.
Old Daniel Booker: Hey, I was standing there!
Old Jahani al-Reb: Quiet infidel!
Old Daniel Booker: USA!
Old Jahani al-Reb: ISIS Town!
(The two are quick to fight as they are also quick to be pulled apart by the Robot nurses. They are dragging out yelling at another between harsh coughing fits as Papa Seth just shakes his head in disappointment.)
Old ICE: I hate ISIS Town.
Old Omega: Better than its boring old name, the Middle East.
Papa Seth: Just give me my presents already.
(The robot nurse hands Papa Seth the present from ICE and Orbit. Seth opens it and looks disappointed.)
Papa Seth: Oh, a blanket.
Old Orbit: It is a- oh forget it.
Old Corey Black: Here Papa Seth, open Fly and I’s next.
Papa Seth: Ooo, it’s nice and big.
Old ICE: That is what Chelsea says.
Old Chelsea: Um, ICE, I am right here.
Old ICE: But you do say that!
Papa Seth: But it so big, I have to stand to open it, which I don’t like.
(Old Corey Black shots Seth a sorry look as Seth stands with a groan and then opens the box and finds it full of ping pong ball like packing material. Seth carefully digs his hands into the box and pulls out a pink stuffed CowPig toy.)
Old Kazy Mazy: You got him a toy; what you calling him a little kid?
Old Orbit: Nice gift, morons.
Papa Seth: Oh no, this is just what I wanted.
(Old ICE and Orbit look confused as Papa Seth slowly puts the bear back in the box with the packing material. Old Corey Black and Jonny Fly look pleased with themselves for a moment, before Old Cairo and ZMAC push them aside to hand Seth their birthday present to him.)
Old ZMAC: Here open ours next.
Old Cairo: Yes, Seth, we got you something you have always wanted.
(Papa Seth opens the package and seems shocked and disjusted with what he finds inside.)
Papa Seth: Are these human skulls?
Old Cairo: Of course they are, we would never go cheap on you Papa Seth.
Papa Seth: Who do they belong to?
Old ZMAC: That is the best fucking part...they are your old broadcast team of Freddy Whoa and Zach Davis.
Old Cairo: We had them dug in from the WCF graveyard.
Old Gravedigger: My back is still aching from helping you guys with that by the way.
Old ZMAC: And then we scraped off any remain flesh and buffed the bone to a real fine shine.
Papa Seth: Oh, I think I am going to be sick.
Old ICE: At least we don’t have the worse present anymore.
Old Cairo: Don’t tell me you don’t like our present Papa Seth.
Papa Seth: I hate it and it ruined my Birthday...that is it the rest of the party is over!
Robot Nurse: But what about the game I had planned like pin the tail on the nuclear war fallout site and the piñata that I made that looks like the head of Vince MacMahon?
Papa Seth: Oh good, even thinking about heads makes me feel sick...get out of the ways you fools!
(A robot nurse helps Papa Seth to the bathroom as the crowd disperses.)
Old Orbit: Sorry guys, guess your gift didn’t hit the mark.
Old ZMAC: And we were going to give him the rest of their bones for Haunzwmas, the holiday were we say “fuck religion and give me shit”.
Old Cairo: Well, we better lay low until Space Bingo on Friday, but you two keep an eye on Black and Fly, they may be dumb fuckheads bullshitting-...um, where was I going with that?
Old ICE: Don’t worry we won’t let them out of our sight...now speaking of out of sight, time for our meds!
(The Tuesday scene fades to black as you adjust yourself in the movie theater seat in order to find a more comfortable position...
Wednesday: Family Visits
...the movie fades back from black to find ICE playing his old self in his room. He is watching Super TV, which is like holograms on a table top. He is watching the news as he drifts back and forth from the world of the sandman.)
News Anchor on Super TV: In other news the country of North Korea has officially been moved to the once again planet of Pluto. We reached for world about the forced moved by the United Nations, the North Korean leader said he likes the new location and that the World is nothing but and I quote “a bunch of western society loving jerks”
(ICE begins to snore a little.)
News Anchor on Super TV: In the world of sports, the Super Duper Bowl is this Sunday. According to the odds maker the Columbian Steroids are again favored to win the game for the 21st straight year. This also happens to be the 21st year anniversary of the league allowing teams to decide their drug policy based on the local government laws.
(The TV broadcast becomes background noise as there is a knock on the door and the elderly Chelsea Armstrong picks her head into Beckman’s room.)
Old Chelsea: Hello? ICE? Are you awake?
Old ICE: (sleeping)...Oh Chelsea, oh Chels-
Old Chelsea: ICE! Wake up!
Old ICE: Oh, wha-...(sees Chelsea)...hey I was just dreaming that we both young again and you were doing that thing were you-
Old Chelsea: Um, ICE, look who came to see me today and she also wanted to see you...my daughter Shelly.
(The actress playing old Chelsea opens the door wider and in walks with her middle aged daughter. ICE and her smile at one another as she walks over and leans down in order to give him a hug.)
Shelley: Been a long time.
Old ICE: Yeah...not that I would remember.
Shelley: Oh, do you have Dementia?
Old ICE: No, but I had a bit of a drinking problem back in the day?
Old Chelsea: Only a bit of one?
Old ICE: What does that mean?
Old Chelsea: Let’s just say there was more than one occasion you forgot about our date.
Old ICE: Alright, I may have forgotten about the date but I always remembered what happened after the date.
Shelley: Please, I don’t want to hear that.
Old ICE: Hey at least I was a romantic, not like kids these days with their Internet Sex Buddies and People Marrying Computers.
Shelley: Wow, I never thought I would hear ICE Beckman complaining about kids.
Old ICE: If you are implying I was a bit immature and reckless than you would be wrong.
Old Chelsea: How exactly is she wrong about that?
Old ICE: I still am immature and reckless.
Old Chelsea: Well I guess you’re right about that.
Shelley: A lot has changed since back then, I mean that was still back when boats could actually use the ocean.
Old Chelsea: Oh yeah, I remember back, before it became nothing but waves of trash.
Old ICE: Hell was that even before the Pope’s Sex Tape came out?
Shelley: I remember that, the “Bang Heard Around the World”, they called it.
Old Chelsea: That was gross, all those poor little boys and girls.
Old ICE: And Monkeys dressed like Angels don’t forget.
(They all shudder.)
Shelley: That was even before Antarctica surpassed Australia in human population.
Old Chelsea: The power of global warming.
Old ICE: Guess we should have listened to Al Gore...but speaking of that things are heating up around here, you know.
Shelley: Not you two getting back together, I hope.
Old Chelsea: No he is talking about a couple of dicks who are planning on rigging Space Bingo this week.
Old ICE: And what would be so wrong if we did get back together.
Shelley: Don’t get me started.
Old Chelsea: Don’t worry Shelley, it isn’t going to happen anytime soon.
Old ICE: Well we can still do 2am booty calls thou, right?
Shelley: Alright that is enough for me...it was nice to see you again ICE.
Old ICE: Same here...and Shelly congrats on being so much like your mother.
Old Chelsea: Trust me ICE, she knows how lucky she is.
Shelley: Bye ICE, and never change.
Old ICE: Don’t worry I am too old to now anyhow.
(Shelley leans down to give ICE one more hug and Chelsea has to make sure ICE’s hand doesn’t slip down to low on her younger back as the scene fades to black...
Thursday: The Actual Metal Metallica: Robot Rock Show
...the scene opens with what WCF old timers that haven’t been banned from events for this week for fighting or giving inappropriate presents to Papa Seth. The actors dressed in old person’s make up are all gathered around a small stage in the rec room. They have their chairs and wheelchairs all pointed towards the small stage that has a lot of rock band gear laid out on it. Papa Seth opens the show by walking onto the stage, taking his time for the rumbling to die down...which is a bad pun waiting to happen in an old folks home...finally Seth speaks to the small crowd.)
Papa Seth: Welcome to the music event of the week. Now I know these guys were cool in the 80s and it is the 60s but I am sure you will be signing 10s all night long.
(No even a giggle from the crowd.)
Papa Seth: Not even a damn giggle for that joke...damn, Kazy Mazy you are banned from the show tonight.
Old Kazy Mazy: What? I didn’t do anything!
Papa Seth: I gave you my applesauce for that joke and it bombed worse than we bombed France after they dared to say America was nothing but a bunch of hot head maniacs.
Old Kazy Mazy: Fine I will leave, but you will miss my jokes.
(All the senior citizens laugh out loud.)
Old Kazy Mazy: Urgh, I hate all of you.
(Kazy Mazy spins and books it out of the room...thanks to his hoover wheel chair boost power button.)
Old ICE: Reminds me the time Corey stormed off when they ran out of chocolate pudding.
Old Corey Black: I told you Vanilla gives me gas!
Old Jonny Fly: I thought Choc did too
Old Corey Black: Yes, it does...blabber mouth...but chocolate is my secret obsession, just like I told you about Sex in the Space Ship starting Sarah Jessica Parker’s Robot Double.
Old Orbit: Who the fuck is the blabber mouth now, bitch?
Old Corey Black: Shut up...everyone shut up! And stop interrupting Papa Seth!
Papa Seth: Actually Corey, you were the one interrupting me the most.
Old Buzz Worthy: Can we hurry this up, I have a thimble sized bladder and really don’t want to miss The Actual Metal Metallica play Master of Puppets.
Pap Seth: Oh me too, that is my fav! So without further ado...he is The Actual Metal Metallica!
(A group of robot bodies with Metallica members skulls floating around in fish bowls on their shoulders come marching onto the stage. The robots are dressed in tight jeans and torn clothes just like the original Metallica might have been found.)
Robot “James”: Hello and welcome to the show. Who is ready to rock...safely of course?
(The old folks give the kind of cheer they might if they announced extra pudding at dinner, but not as loud as they will for Space Bingo tomorrow night.)
Robot “Lars”: But first please remember not to use Napster. Rock millionaires are people too.
Old ICE: Someone needs to update that robot’s software.
Old Orbit: Yeah, but I have to say seeing those skulls floating around in over Robot bodies is much more terrifying than the actual Metallica ever did.
Old ICE: Wait, look at that.
Old Orbit: So Jonny Fly is cleaning out his hairy ears, who the fuck cares?
Old ICE: Well first off the poor Robot nurse that he is going to be sticking that dirty finger into her power unit, probably cares.
Old Orbit: True.
Old ICE: But I was actually talking about that.
Old Orbit: What the fuck is going on? Papa Seth shaking hands with Daniel Booker?
Old ICE: Something isn’t right, that guy is supposed to be banned.
Old Orbit: Time to find this shit out...right after this song.
(After the song comes to an end ICE and Orbit are able to slowly, but steadily make their way over to where Papa Seth is hanging with the frail Pantheon.)
Old ICE: What is he doing here, he is banned after getting into a fight!
Old Corey Black: I used to have the Ban Hammer, now I have the un-Ban Hammer.
Old Orbit: What the shit does that mean?
Papa Seth: I don’t even know what that means. But all that is happening over here is that I decided to make Daniel Booker the caller for Bingo tomorrow.
Old Orbit: Why would you pick him, you should pick me and fade to black!
Old ICE: It makes me what to enter the sandman!
Old Orbit: Yeah, you better change that decision of else you will find out whom the bell tolls!
Old Corey Black: Well you two stop using Metallica song titles in your sentences, it is really annoying.
Old ICE: I have no idea what you are talking about.
Old Orbit: Now pick one of us as caller for when it comes to bingo nothing else matters.
Papa Seth: I have made my choice and I am sticking with it.
Old ICE: Find Seth, stick with the dark side, but I will not forgive you later, yes to me you are The Unforgiven.
Old Corey Black: Stop Doing THAT!
Old Jonny Fly: Sorry but ear wax is annoying
Old Corey Black: Not you! Urgh, why did I ever let you hang out with Tyler Walker so much?
Old Jonny Fly: He is smart guy right?
(They all look over at the actor playing the senior citizen Walker and watch him try to fill his coffee cup from a house plant.)
Old Jonny Fly: See he make own leaf tea
Old ICE: Shut up idiot, why don’t you talk some more about your boring ass life like you used to do.
Old Jonny Fly: I would...if I remember it
Old Orbit: This isn’t over boys, we will see you tomorrow on the Moon for Space Bingo and we will be the one walking out with the glory.
Papa Seth: And by glory you mean the coupons to Astro Applebees?
Old Orbit: Yeah, for we love their food.
Old ICE: But we love a good deal even more!
(And with that the old Kings walk away from the rest as the historic rock music keeps playing and the movie scene fades to a dark screen...
Friday: Space Bingo
...early in the morning the whole crew had gathered on a shuttle in order to blast into space and visit the Great Moon Casino in space. They had rented out an entire bingo hall just for themselves and their was a buzz in the air like their might have been back in the locker room before a big Pay Per View. Papa Seth is standing up on stage, with the old Daniel Booker next to him next to the ping pong balls in a cage. Papa Seth is having a quick world with Old Corey Black and Old Jonny Fly. Black and Seth seem to be happy as they shake hands and Jonny seems happy, but mostly because he likes the neat cosmic lights on the ceiling.)
Old Alex Richards: Hurry up and start!
Old Omega: Yeah! I need to make my money back! I am sick of being poor and having to leave in the WCF Retirement Home!
Old ZMAC: And we are fucking sick of having you there!
Old Cairo: I am just sick of waiting...pull the first number already!
Papa Seth: Alright, we are just about to-
Old ICE: Stop right there!
(Everyone freezes due to their ability to take orders well in old age, but thanks to be stiff it wasn’t that hard for anyone of the past wrestlers.)
Old Orbit: This Bingo Game Has Been Fixed!!
(Dun dun dun!)
Old Jonny Fly: Was that dinner bell
Old Cormack MacNeill: Aye laddie, you aren’t supposed to react to the movie’s music.
Old Jonny Fly: I be movie, wow
Old Tyler Walker: That’s it, I have had it with you Fly! I am sick of pretending to be dumb in order to make you still feel okay. I am out of here.
(The old Walker uses his walker to exit the room, but mumbles his frustrations on the way out.)
Papa Seth: Shut up, Shut Up, and how you two Vapor Kings accuse me, Papa Seth, the lord of the WCF and FOREVER!!
(Just then the old Papa Seth, who is red in the face, grabs his chest and falls on the floor! Everyone gasps, expect for Old Cairo for is busy picking the pocket of Old Corey Black. The robot nurse is quick to the side of the collapsed Papa Seth.)
Robot Nurse: Oh my...he is dead!
Old Jayson Price: Good news Everyone! I finally was able to get by Seth and join you all! Take that Papa Seth!
(Old Jayson looks down and sees Seth lying dead on the floor.)
Old Omega: Nice bad timing Jayson.
Old Jayson Price: Oh, this is awkward...eh, I stand by what I said.
Old Corey Black: You damn Vapor Kings! You killed him!
Old ICE: That is where you are wrong...well that is ONE of the MANY ways you are wrong...starting with that outfit, sandals with socks? Really?
Old Omega: What are you two talking about?
Old Orbit: Papa Seth couldn’t take the stress anymore...the stress he got from rigging this Bingo game.
ICE: And if we did kill him with this shcoking reveal...huh, I am okay with that.
Old Corey Black: What proof do you have we cheated the bingo game?
Old ICE: First off the packing material you gave him for his birthday...it was packaging material at all...but the rigged Ping Pong Bingo balls!
Old Orbit: And that present you gave him, a stuffed animal.
Old ICE: Which we found suspicious since Papa Seth was always running away from his young kid image, but he seemed to enjoy such a gift, but why?
Old Alex Richards: Because it is soft and fluffy and keeps away the Boogie Man?
Old Cormack MacNeill: I thought they caught the Boogie Man back in 2063.
Old Alex Richards: Oh they did...finally I can sleep without my ICE Beckman night-light.
Old Orbit: Then reason Papa Seth didn’t complain was because he could feel the million dollar bills stuffed inside of it.
Old Omega: Wow, this is all coming together.
Old Livewire: Wow, this is all coming together. And my boot that got eaten did that have something to do with it too?
Old ICE: No, that was just because Hyena is a weirdo.
Old Corey Black: Is that all the evidence you got?
Old Orbit: Well that...and video tape Jonny Fly made of you two coming up with the plan.
Old Jonny Fly: whoops play button dont mean record i thought
Old Kazy Mazy: Bingo...more like Ringo! I mean Riggo.
Old Buzz Worthy: Finally, an actually joke.
Old Corey Black: GOD DAMN YOU STUPID FUCKING MORON FLY! I AM GOING TO-
(And as quick as it happened to Papa Seth, Corey grabs his chest and falls down next to Papa Seth.)
Old Jonny Fly: No die dont
Old Corey Black: Not without you I don’t!
(Black’s last bit of life energy gives him the strength to reach up grab the old man Fly by the shirt, pull him down and punch him so hard in his brittle skull that it kills the elderly idiot...and then Black finishes dying of the heart attack.)
Robot Nurse: They are both dead...this isn’t going to look good to my supervisor.
Old ZMAC: Well what the fuck do we do now?
Old Orbit: The only thing there is left to do...
Old ICE: Let’s Play some MOTHERFUCKING BINGO!!
(And with that the old senior zitizens of the WCF Retirement Home cheers. They scurry back to their perfect laid out Bingo cards as the Robot Nurse causally gets back to cleaning up the three bodies...
THE END
...the lights in the theater begin to come back on as the credits roll. You then get up, turn on your cell phone and leave the theater happy you didn’t wait for this to come to Red Box in order to see it.)
VK Studios Presents: “WCF: The Old Folks Home”
...the movie begins with a trailer...
When the Roman brothers, Steve Orbit and Natural ICE Beckman, wake up with a hangover, they assume it's just another Tuesday-- until they realize they've been kidnapped, and Steve Orbit's ho is missing! Join the Vapor Kings on their adventure to find Orbit's bitch, as they uncover clues about who is responsible for the kidnapping-- and they soon find out, the stakes are much higher than they could have imagined! Starring Steve Orbit and ICE Beckman, playing themselves, with a cast of talented actors playing the roles of the many WCF superstars they meet along the way. "I was on the edge of my seat the whole time!" - FilmCritics.com "I laughed, I cried, and then I watched the movie and it was pretty good!" - BiPolarReviews.com You won't want to miss "Dude, Where's My Bitch?" in theaters this Fall.
...And now our feature presentation...
The following movie is based on real people played by actors set in a fictional setting. The happenings and events are fictional, but the insults and mockery is very real. Enjoy the show...
Vapor King Studios Presents...
From Brother Roman Productions...
And the mind of Natural ICE Beckman...
A WCF Film...
Starring Natural ICE Beckman as Old ICE
And
“The Mack” Steve Orbit as Old Orbit
WCF: The Old Folks Home
The Year is 2065 A.D.
(The movie opens from the black screen and opening credits to the image of a retirement home set in the suburbs of Philadelphia. The camera begins to zoom in towards the building’s front door. With the magic of movie making we quickly find ourselves moving through the halls and after a few turns we enter a large room that is full of many elderly men and a single elderly woman. The rumblings of the senior citizens being to come to an end as a skinny old man wearing a green t-shirt walks up to a podium. As he clears his throat the camera is now close enough for you to see that it is an actor dressed to look like WCF Owner, Seth Lerch...as an 80 year old man.)
Papa Seth: Alright, alright, quiet down now...it’s time for our weekly residents meeting to come to order.
(The camera begins to pan around the room of senior residents at the WCF old folks home and you begin to see many different actors dressed just like some of your favorite and least favorite WCF wrestler superstars...however like Seth they are all in their 80s and beyond. But with a quick second look thanks to the camera you see that old ICE and old Orbit are being played by the actual ICE and Orbit, both wearing a few old man masks thanks to the hard working make-up people at Vapor Kings studios.)
Old Cairo: What? Speak up!
Papa Seth: Turn up your sonic hearing aide Cairo!
Old Cairo: What?
Old ZMAC: He doesn’t trust those new-fangled sonic hearing aids; believes that the government uses them to steal your thoughts.
Old Daniel Booker: Hey is right not to trust President Bieber!
Old ICE: I still can’t believe we voted a Canadian into office in 2040.
Old Orbit: That’s what we get for finally legalizing free-basing moon rocks in this country...not that it doesn’t help my club business.
Old Corey Black: You still have that old bitch club? Give it up old man.
Old Orbit: Funny you say that, for that is what my girls tell you every time you try to pay them in hundreds.
Old Jonny Fly: Hun reds isnt that much?
Old Omega: Hah, you dumb old fart, with inflation a soda now costs a thousand bucks!
Old Alex Richards: Yeah, remember it’s 2065...you old fart...(Old Alex farts as he says that)...damn those new fiber pills of mine, they have been making me fart all day.
Papa Seth: Please people, can we stay on focused and not have one meeting that is derailed onto the subject of Alex’s poop pills.
Old ICE: Better than hearing Livewire tell bullshit stories about having sex with the robot nurses.
Old Livewire: I swear if you punch 6969 into their keypads they are more than willing to do pleasure you sexually.
Old Cormack MacNeill: I tried that lassie and all she did was pull on my white beard and I don’t have much of it left at my age!
Papa Seth: Please gentlemen, can we stay focused already?
Old Chelsea: Excuse me, what was that Seth? This is still nothing but a boys club after call these years.
(The elderly, but still large, Alex Richards actor farts again and all old men giggle.)
Old Chelsea: Emphasis on the boy part of the boys club of course.
Old Corey Black: Oh come on, you know I am all man.
Old Orbit: Sure, that is why my girls call you Mechanical Penis Man.
Old Corey Black: First off technology has come a long way in the world of metal prosthetic dicks.
Old ICE: Ha, Corey, I didn’t know you were a robot.
Old Corey Black: I was talking about a penis, not me...damnit Jonny, stand up for me already.
Old Jonny Fly: Stand up...like me...but hurts hip
Old Corey Black: Come on Man, I told you not to hang out with Tyler Walker all your life, all that time with him has made you a moron.
Old Tyler Walker: don’t blame me...blame faggots, they be what is wrong with most things
Old Omega: Don’t go to Florida and say that these days.
Old ICE: Yeah ever since the 193rd Amendment in which the South agreed not to start another civil is all gays moved to Florida.
Papa Seth: Gosh darn you old bastards...(sees grandma Chelsea glaring at him)...and old bastedrites, if you don’t all shut up right now, I will cancel Friday’s Space Bingo faster than the MLB baseball commissioner cancelled their Gorillas as players program.
Old ICE: That did help boost ratings.
Old Orbit: Yeah, and instead of bean balls the Gorillas threw shit balls.
Old ZMAC: Until the Mets team was involved in that fatal Gorilla attack in the showers.
Papa Seth: As I was saying, we have a very busy week of events planned in order to well, you know, keep our thoughts away from dying soon.
Old Steeltoe: Who worries about death, for god’s glory wakes for us all in the afterlife?
Old ICE: Shut up Joe, we all know Science proved God doesn’t exist back in 2033.
Old Steeltoe: Stupid Science, made my portable church business with Jeff Purse go bankrupt.
Old Jeff Purse: Oh nuts to that, we went out of business after you mooned the conjugation!
Old Steeltoe: I told you my pants ripped!
Old Jeff Purse: You were yelling “Fuck Science! Fuck Mr. No God! Kiss my Ass EVERYONE!”
Old Steeltoe: I would never say that about my lord and savior! How dare you spread those lies!
(Both of the old WCF wrestlers stand up and begin to fight with their lazer-cranes like they are lightsabers. As they begin to battle the rest of the old crowd begins to chant “fight, fight, fight” as a siren begins to go off; soon two robot nurses come rolling into the room and pull the old religious men apart and carry them screaming out of the room.)
Old Jeff Purse: Damn technology! Let me got robots!
Old Steeltoe: Quiet you! Even robots are God’s creatures.
(The door to the room is closed behind the robots.)
Papa Seth: About time those two got kicked out of here.
Old ZMAC: That should have happened after Buzz Worthy lodged that compliment about them pushing him into a broom closet and pulling what the fucking kids now refer to as a Catholic Cram.
Old Buzz Worthy: That was back when I had my looks, aw the good old days.
Old Corey Black: Get back to the schedule Papa Seth! This is taking forever.
Old ICE: Calm down Corey, not like you and your bitch tits are going anywhere.
Old Corey Black: I don’t have tits anymore...I had them removed.
Old John Gable: I remember that weird phase in American culture when all those men got boob jobs. It was really big in Hollywood.
Old Alex Richards: I never saw the need for that surgery.
Old Omega: Well of course you didn’t. I mean look at you.
Old Alex Richards: Hey, what does that mean!...(farts)...Damnit you got me so mad, I farted.
Old ICE: Sure that is the reason.
Papa Seth: Can I get through this schedule already.
Old Cairo: What? Speak up!
Papa Seth: Fuck I will just post it on the bulletin board!
Old Torture: Little good that does me!
Papa Seth: Oh sorry Torture I forgot you one were one the victims of those Google 2040 glasses.
Old Torture: They never warned you not to wear them for a year straight! And now I am blind! BLIND!
Old Destroyer: Oh boo hoo, listening to you makes me wish I was deaf!
Old Torture: Who said that?! How dare whoever you are you say that! Now where are you so I can knock you over the head with my hover walker!?
(Old Torture gets up and swings his hover walker and strikes a Food Replicator machine! He thinks the machine is the elderly Destroyer and begins to attack it. Meanwhile Old Destroyer gets up and begins to attack Old Torture from behind. Again the rest of the old men residents begin to chant “Fight, Fight” as a sirens goes off and the robot nurses once again come in and grabs the two old farts from fighting.)
Papa Seth: You know what fellas, that brings me to another issue. Lately the Robot nurses have been complaining that we are getting into way too many fights.
Old Gravedigger: Oh who cares? Torture is usually just staying in bed anyhow these days. No one will miss him.
Papa Seth: Like you don’t like naps yourself...And as I was saying, I didn’t create this Retirement Home and invite you all to live here to fight all day.
Old ZMAC: Well that is fucking stupid; that is all we fucking did back in the day.
Papa Seth: Well I needed someone to hang out with after World War Seven killed my whole family.
Old ICE: Damn those Penguins for starting that.
Old Orbit: Blame Microsoft, they are the ones who gave them all computer chips for their brains to make the new Penguin IPod.
Papa Seth: I mean, all I knew about life was dealing with you bunch of asses. And frankly, I kind of missed it.
Old Gravedigger: Wow, that was really nice of you to say Papa Seth.
Old Alex Richards: Yeah, this is a special moment....(farts)...which I just ruined...along with my pants.
Old Corey Black: Ha, way to shit your pants fatty.
Old Jonny Fly: did corey again?
Old Corey Black: I wasn’t talking about me...besides I don’t have accidents anymore.
Old Alex Richards: Not that I need to know, but I need to know...how do you stop them?
Old Corey Black: Well, it depends.
Old Jonny Fly: he means he wears diapers
Old Corey Black: Shut up about that!
Old Tyler Walker: don’t tell him to shut it up, you shut it up
Old ICE: I have never heard him sound smarter.
Old Orbit: He is almost as smart as Einstein?
Buzz Worthy: Albert Einstein, the scientist from the mid 1900s?
Old Omega: Or Cluck-cluck Einstein, that chicken who won American Idol 2041?
Old Orbit: Neither, I meant Carl Einstein, the inventor of the Zero Gravity Strip Club.
Papa Seth: Alright, time to wrap this up since it is starting to smell in here thanks to Alex and all the orpiment. Now I am going to post the week’s event schedule and remember no more fighting!
Old Kazy Mazy: Not even over the remote, because I have to watch Ultimate Fighter Project Runway Big Brother, it’s my favorite show on the Facebook Channel!
Old Omega: Oh damn, I love that show too. I can’t believe Marsha the Martian got killed last week.
Old Kazy Mazy: I don’t know, it was so cool how the Bigfoot guy suplexed her through that hoover couch!
Old Corey Black: Can you all just shut up so we can see the schedule already!
Old Jonny Fly: Don’t poop his pants.
Old ICE: Got that Fly?
Old Jonny Fly: I got me? I do
Old Corey Black: God damn you and your TylerWalker Disease.
Old Buzz Worthy: TylerWalker Disease? Isn’t that what Biohazard died of?
Old Livewire: Him and all those kids who took those Pantheon Brand vitamin shots in the 2020s.
Old Corey Black: Hey those kids did those shots by their own free will and according to the Supreme Court I had nothing to do with my shots...I mean NOT my shots. EVERYONE SHUT UP!
Old Cairo: What? You’re fucked up!
Old ZMAC: Speaking of that, isn’t it almost Laser Medication time?
Old ICE: Yeah, everyone Shut Up!
(The room of old WCFers comes to a respectful silence, even Alex’s asshole keeps it quite, as the ICE AGE seems to continue, even now in the year 2065. You sink down farther in the chair as you watch Papa Seth walk over and post the week’s event schedule on the hollow gram bulletin board with some sort of laser pointer like stapler. Meanwhile the movie changes camera angles and focuses in on the old men heroes of the movie...Old ICE Beckman, Old Steve Orbit and Old Zombie McMorris.)
Old ICE: Wow, that was the shortest meeting we have ever had.
Old Orbit: Well no one died this time.
Old ZMAC: Yeah, that reminds me to send flowers to the funerals Shawn Scholes and Justin Cash.
Old ICE: Really?
Old ZMAC: No, of course not...I was being sarcastic.
Old Orbit: Nice retro joke man. Which is cool these days...since it is fucking 2065.
Old ICE: I just hope the audience gets that by now.
(All three of the old Vapor Kings look at the camera and smile.)
Old ZMAC: Well I don’t give a shit about that...I have one decent knee which gives me a chance to still get first in line at the Medicine window, so see you two later.
(Old ICE and Orbit watch their friend and partner hobble with the speed of a jaguar when compared to the rest of the old WCFers towards the best part of any old person’s day, no matter the year.)
Old ICE: Wow, ZMAC has gotten nicer with old age.
Old Orbit: Damn, I just thought that he has gotten meaner.
Old ICE: Speaking of mean, what about the old dick Corey and his little buddy?
Old Orbit: Like how Jonny is now dumber than any Canadian who voted yes for that Make Us America’s New Sewer Runoff bill?
Old ICE: No, not that, and by the way don’t bring that up to Omega.
Old Orbit: Did he vote yes?
Old ICE: Not only that, but he donated money to the cause for the bill...tells me now that he thought it would help Hockey somehow.
Old Orbit: Then what about Corey and Jonny?
Old ICE: Look at them check out that schedule and evilly laugh.
Old Orbit: Are you sure they aren’t just passing gas?
Old ICE: Well Jonny might be, but Corey is defiantly evilly laughing.
(The elderly Alex just happens to be walking by.)
Old Alex Richards: Trust an expert guys, ICE is right about both of them...and which way to that bathroom?
Old ICE: That way and how do you not remember that, you live here too?
Old Alex Richards: Oh I have poop issues and...super dementia. Now stop making fun of me and focus on Corey and Jonny they are the ones up to something with Space Bingo.
Old ICE: We weren’t making fun of you.
Old Orbit: Yeah, that was Corey and Jonny.
Old Alex Richards: Hmmm...if you say so, I can’t remember. And speaking of that remind me to sit on their heads.
Old ICE: Sure, Alex.
Old Alex Richards: Thanks. Now see you later Mr. Hyena and Mr. Orbit.
(Alex is quick to head off, but unfortunately not towards the bathroom which he just forgot he needed to visit.)
Old ICE: How did he remember who you were but not me?
Old Orbit: Easy...I am the only black guy ever in WCF.
Old ICE: Ah...so what do you think those Pantheon fucks are up to?
Old Orbit: I am not sure, but like Alex said, I bet it has something to do with Space Bingo.
Old ICE: They better not mess with that. Fuck, I never thought I would care about Bingo so much, but with this group of competitive old folks, Bingo is like War.
Old Orbit: True, but the only thing that matters in that war show, is knocking out Fly and Corey.
Old ICE: Just like the good old days.
Old Orbit: Exactly...now let’s go get a look at that schedule.
(The movie’s magic helps you as the viewer zoom over to the bullten board and get a good look at the schedule for the week created by Papa Seth...
This Week’s WCF Old Folks Home Event Schedule:
Monday: Petting Zoo Day
Tuesday: Seth’s Birthday Party
Wednesday: Family Visits
Thursday: The Actual Metal Metallica: Robot Rock Show
Friday: Space Bingo on the Moon
...we fade back from the schedule as the scene fades to black. You watch as a few simple words come up on the screen...
Monday: Petting Zoo Day
...the same group of actors dressed as old WCF wrestlers as gathered outside in the hoover car parking lot. They have formed groups or clicks like they did back in the old days in order to go around and see the different kinds of animals. At first you see the strange creatures and wonder what is exactly going on, but then you remember it is the year 2065, so these new animals must have something to do with that. Old ICE and Old Orbit are walking from animal to animal, looking at them behind their force field cages while keeping a suspicious eye on Old Black and Old Fly.)
Old ICE: Fuck man, being old is weird.
Old Orbit: Yeah man, what is with the having to go to the bathroom thing all night?
Old ICE: Yeah, fuck me, I thought I used to piss a lot when I was drinking all that beer.
Old Orbit: Speaking of old being weird, whoever thought I would like petting animals so much.
Old ICE: Well you always did enjoy petting cats.
Old Orbit: You mean pussy cats, yeah, that be true.
Old ICE: Why do we fucking like petting animals so much there days?
Old Orbit: Man, I think we all are just happy to get the fuck out of the building for any damn reason.
(The two senior Vapor Kings walk up to the first animal. In front of the cow and pig like creature is a tiny little robot who is dressed up like the Crocodile Hunter that begins to speak to them about the strange animal in a robotic Australian accent.)
The C.D.I.R.: I am a Crocodile Hunter Information Robot, you will find plenty of my mates along the petting zoo tour today. The animal standing in front of you is the CowPig, a creature like all animals days that has been created by human interference and cloning. The animal was created in 2031 in order to make McDonalds McMoink burger. Feel free to pet it’s head; his name is Kirby.
(Old Orbit and Old ICE each takes turns petting the animals head as they speak)
Old ICE: Reminds me of wrestling MacNeill back in the day with his fucking hairy back.
Old Orbit: Yo, look at what we got here, that’s interesting...(looks over to the side as ICE continues to examine the Cow Pig.)
Old ICE: Yeah, it does have big balls for a CowPig.
Old Orbit: Not that...(looks back)...damn them the best balls since my sponge bath this morning...but look at that ICE.
(Natural OLD Beckman looks over to see Papa Seth having a conversation with Old Black and Old Fly.)
Old ICE: What do you think they are talking to him about?
Old Orbit: I reckon’, fuck I say reckon’ now? Damn I am old. I reckon’ there talking about Friday’s Space Bingo; I mean Seth is the game’s organizer. Those bitches are up to something, trust me I would know.
Old ICE: Fuck they better not be, the one thing I love more than medication time and petting zoo animals is winning at Bingo. It gets my heart going again like being back in the ring, while at least to a level that is okay with my doctor.
The C.D.I.R.: Do you have any questions for me?
Old Orbit: Yeah, can you shut the fuck up?
The C.D.I.R.: Yes. Please let me know if you need anything.
Old ICE: What a polite little robot. He reminds me of that Alpine guy, whatever happened to him.
Old Orbit: Heard something about a flood getting him I think. Damn, they are looking over here...quick, to the next animal.
(Well quick for old guys who wrestled in the ring for most their lives. Finally they make it to the next strange human created animal and Crocodile Hunter Information Robot. This time the Old Kings are not alone at the cage.)
The C.D.I.R.: Welcome to the next animal, mate. This is a Kanga-Koala, it was created by the Australian government in 2019 in order to eat bullfrogs in order to decrease the over whelming bullfrog population. Feel free to pet its neck; its name is Larry.
Old Kazy Mazy: He doesn’t look like a Larry to me.
Old Buzz Worthy: What does he look like?
Old Kazy Mazy: His name should be Barry.
Old Buzz Worthy: I don’t get that, was that a joke?
Old Kazy Mazy: I think so.
Old Buzz Worthy: Hey, as good as any you’ve ever had I suppose.
(The two continue their conversation about bad jokes and slowly walk over to the CowPig, leaving Old Orbit and Old ICE alone, well expect for the C.D.I.R. of course.)
Old ICE: You think Black and Fly are buttering up Papa Seth?
Old Orbit: Only one way to make sure, keep an eye on them all week long.
Old ICE: Alright, but I am still taking my naps.
Old Orbit: Well yeah, and I don’t want to miss Wheel of Misfortune live from the Surface of the Sun this week.
Old ICE: So we will keep an eye on all three of them, it is agreed.
Old Orbit: Well damn, they are looking at us again, quick to the next animal.
(Again they make their way with the old person shuffle walk over to the next animal and small info robot. This animal seems to be a mix of an elephant and a Tyrannosaurs Rex, but it is the size of a sheep. You shake your head as you hear giggles for the poor effects all around the theater. Again ICE and Orbit who are playing themselves in the movie find company at this cage with a few more actors dressed to look like WCF wrestlers. )
The C.D.I.R.: Hope the road is finding you well mates. Welcome to the Elephantsaurs Rex, which was created in 2053 to be a part of Disney World’s updated it’s a small world ride which is now known as It’s a Freaky World Ride. Feel free to pet it’s back, but be careful of the teeth at the bottom of his trunk; his name is Doc.
Old Doc Henry: What did that robot carnation say about me?
Sorta Old Johnny Reb: He was talkin’ bout the animal in the cage.
Old Doc Henry: He better be, I be sick of them robots anyhow. Tried this thing Livewire told me about and almost lost my head to one of them robot nurses.
Sorta Old Johnny Reb: I told ya Doc, a good southerner only listens to God and TV Evangelists.
Old ICE: Damn Johnny, how come you look so fucking young still.
Sorta Old Johnny Reb: All that time travel, messed me up something good.
Old Orbit: But you seem young, that is a good thing.
Sorta Old Johnny Reb: Yeah, that’s true, but it shrunk my balls something awful.
(Just then another actor playing an elderly WCF wrestler comes up.)
Old Livewire: Have you see fellas seen Hyena anywhere? The son of gun chewed up one of my New New Mexico boots.
Old Doc: Who cares about New New Mexico anyhow?
Old Livewire: Um, duh it just happens to be the 69th state of America and home to my favorite singer, Neil Diamond-Springsteen the Third.
Old ICE: Hyena was banded from Petting Zoo day.
Old Orbit: Yeah, Papa Seth caught him humping a Lambkey last time.
Old Doc: If you are looking for a fight, Pierce, I am ready to whoop your ass for that sex trick with the robot nurses you told me about. That thing nearly broke my neck!
Old Livewire: Bring it on old man!
Old Doc: God damnit, we are all old now!
(Both men slowly get over, well more like fall over, the cage’s force field walls to run, well walk at one another for a fight. The Elephantsaurs Rex begins to get spooked.)
The C.D.I.R.: Oh crakey! You seem to have fallen into the cage. I am alerting assistance now, but please remember to not go near the animal.
Old Doc: Don’t tell me my business you damn robot.
Old Livewire: Yeah, I live by my own rules, always have, always will!
(The two old men begin to lock arms and tussle a bit, but not for long at the Elephantsaurs Rex begins to attack them, bringing both men to the ground with ease! Sorta young Johnny Reb jumps into the ring to help, only to get mauled himself.)
Old Orbit: This is boring.
Old ICE: Yeah, let’s go...oh and look at McMorris hustle across the parking lot towards the building, it must me almost medication time...let’s get going too.
Old Orbit: Alright, but after that we go right back to watching that scum Black and that half head clown Fly.
Old ICE: Well after medication and my nap of course.
Old Orbit: Oh and my TV program. Okay, tomorrow we will make sure to keep an eye on them.
(Old Orbit and Old ICE slowly walk away as the Elephantsaurs Rex begins to really put the stomp down on the three old WCFers as the scene fades to black...
Tuesday: Seth’s Birthday Party.
...Old ICE and Old Orbit are helped to their seat around a circular table has a hologram table covering that says Happy 88th Papa Seth in bright colors. And actually on the table are some party favors and party plates. Old ICE and Old Orbit are also both wearing party hats, and seem to act like wearing the silly hats isn’t even their choice.)
Old ICE: Why do we even celebrate Birthdays anymore; with today’s modern medicine if is really tough to die. I mean just ask my fucking liver about that.
Old Orbit: Your original liver?
Old ICE: Original? Yeah right.
(Just then some evil like music plays as two old men come slowly into the scene. Old Black is stroking is big long white beard and Old Fly is holding a big present while smiling and look at some comso balloons.)
Old Corey Black: If it is the Vapor Kings...nice hats boys.
Old Orbit: You wearing one too, you old moron.
Old Corey Black: Damnit, when did the nurse sneak that on me!
Old ICE: Looks like a big present you got there. Trying to butter up Seth a little guys?
Old Jonny Fly: We butter him, he not corn
Old Corey Black: He means that we are bribing Papa Seth, you idiot...now ICE, why would you think that?
Old ICE: Two Words...Space Bingo.
Old Jonny Fly: Ha, space bingo, that three words
Old Orbit: Pantheon math at work again.
Old ICE: It’s not their fault Orbit, Pantheon is only good at subtraction.
Old Corey Black: You know I don’t have to take this crap, I could walk away if I wanted...(tires to walk away, but his hips are too stiff)...Damnit! Nurse come over here and carry me now!
(The robot nurse comes over and picks up Old Corey Black and carries him off to his table as old Fly shuffles behind them.)
Old ICE: Why is that guy such a jerk off?
Old Orbit: Let’s just say there a lot of Pantheon by laws about not making fun of Black’s messed up childhood.
Old ICE: Well whatever in that box must be big and expensive and better than a blanket.
Old Orbit: I told you, it’s an afghan and Seth is going to love it.
(Just then a few more actors dressed as old WCFers sits down at the table.)
Old ZMAC: I am telling you there this new fucking ozone layer is just another way the fucking man can keep an eye on us.
Old Cairo: I hear ya, but I am convinced it is more of a poison that is slowly leaking down and killing the old in order to get rid of Social Security ever!
Old ZMAC: Oh no, listen to me-
Old Orbit: What the hell Cairo, the other day you couldn’t hear shit.
Old Cairo: Oh, yeah, I was just fucking with Papa Seth.
Old ICE: Speaking of him, we think he is working in cahoots with Black and Fly to rig Space Bingo.
Old ZMAC: If those fuckers mess with bingo I will end their lives.
Old Orbit: Right, that is why we are keeping an eye on them all week.
Old Cairo: All week?
Old ICE: Well expect for naps and our programs of course.
Old Cairo: Of course.
Old ZMAC: Hey that fuckface Papa Seth is opening is presents, come on I want to watch this.
Old Orbit: Why?
Old Cairo: Cuz’ ZMAC and I gave him something special.
Old ICE: What is it? I bet its better than a blanket.
Old Orbit: Afghan!
Old ZMAC: Just watch, it is going to be great.
(All the actors playing old WCFers gather around the table where Seth is sitting, with a robot nurse on one side and all his presents, including the big one from Pantheon and one that is shaking from Old ZMAC and Old Cairo.)
Papa Seth: Thanks for all coming today and thanks again for not fighting.
Old Daniel Booker: Hey, I was standing there!
Old Jahani al-Reb: Quiet infidel!
Old Daniel Booker: USA!
Old Jahani al-Reb: ISIS Town!
(The two are quick to fight as they are also quick to be pulled apart by the Robot nurses. They are dragging out yelling at another between harsh coughing fits as Papa Seth just shakes his head in disappointment.)
Old ICE: I hate ISIS Town.
Old Omega: Better than its boring old name, the Middle East.
Papa Seth: Just give me my presents already.
(The robot nurse hands Papa Seth the present from ICE and Orbit. Seth opens it and looks disappointed.)
Papa Seth: Oh, a blanket.
Old Orbit: It is a- oh forget it.
Old Corey Black: Here Papa Seth, open Fly and I’s next.
Papa Seth: Ooo, it’s nice and big.
Old ICE: That is what Chelsea says.
Old Chelsea: Um, ICE, I am right here.
Old ICE: But you do say that!
Papa Seth: But it so big, I have to stand to open it, which I don’t like.
(Old Corey Black shots Seth a sorry look as Seth stands with a groan and then opens the box and finds it full of ping pong ball like packing material. Seth carefully digs his hands into the box and pulls out a pink stuffed CowPig toy.)
Old Kazy Mazy: You got him a toy; what you calling him a little kid?
Old Orbit: Nice gift, morons.
Papa Seth: Oh no, this is just what I wanted.
(Old ICE and Orbit look confused as Papa Seth slowly puts the bear back in the box with the packing material. Old Corey Black and Jonny Fly look pleased with themselves for a moment, before Old Cairo and ZMAC push them aside to hand Seth their birthday present to him.)
Old ZMAC: Here open ours next.
Old Cairo: Yes, Seth, we got you something you have always wanted.
(Papa Seth opens the package and seems shocked and disjusted with what he finds inside.)
Papa Seth: Are these human skulls?
Old Cairo: Of course they are, we would never go cheap on you Papa Seth.
Papa Seth: Who do they belong to?
Old ZMAC: That is the best fucking part...they are your old broadcast team of Freddy Whoa and Zach Davis.
Old Cairo: We had them dug in from the WCF graveyard.
Old Gravedigger: My back is still aching from helping you guys with that by the way.
Old ZMAC: And then we scraped off any remain flesh and buffed the bone to a real fine shine.
Papa Seth: Oh, I think I am going to be sick.
Old ICE: At least we don’t have the worse present anymore.
Old Cairo: Don’t tell me you don’t like our present Papa Seth.
Papa Seth: I hate it and it ruined my Birthday...that is it the rest of the party is over!
Robot Nurse: But what about the game I had planned like pin the tail on the nuclear war fallout site and the piñata that I made that looks like the head of Vince MacMahon?
Papa Seth: Oh good, even thinking about heads makes me feel sick...get out of the ways you fools!
(A robot nurse helps Papa Seth to the bathroom as the crowd disperses.)
Old Orbit: Sorry guys, guess your gift didn’t hit the mark.
Old ZMAC: And we were going to give him the rest of their bones for Haunzwmas, the holiday were we say “fuck religion and give me shit”.
Old Cairo: Well, we better lay low until Space Bingo on Friday, but you two keep an eye on Black and Fly, they may be dumb fuckheads bullshitting-...um, where was I going with that?
Old ICE: Don’t worry we won’t let them out of our sight...now speaking of out of sight, time for our meds!
(The Tuesday scene fades to black as you adjust yourself in the movie theater seat in order to find a more comfortable position...
Wednesday: Family Visits
...the movie fades back from black to find ICE playing his old self in his room. He is watching Super TV, which is like holograms on a table top. He is watching the news as he drifts back and forth from the world of the sandman.)
News Anchor on Super TV: In other news the country of North Korea has officially been moved to the once again planet of Pluto. We reached for world about the forced moved by the United Nations, the North Korean leader said he likes the new location and that the World is nothing but and I quote “a bunch of western society loving jerks”
(ICE begins to snore a little.)
News Anchor on Super TV: In the world of sports, the Super Duper Bowl is this Sunday. According to the odds maker the Columbian Steroids are again favored to win the game for the 21st straight year. This also happens to be the 21st year anniversary of the league allowing teams to decide their drug policy based on the local government laws.
(The TV broadcast becomes background noise as there is a knock on the door and the elderly Chelsea Armstrong picks her head into Beckman’s room.)
Old Chelsea: Hello? ICE? Are you awake?
Old ICE: (sleeping)...Oh Chelsea, oh Chels-
Old Chelsea: ICE! Wake up!
Old ICE: Oh, wha-...(sees Chelsea)...hey I was just dreaming that we both young again and you were doing that thing were you-
Old Chelsea: Um, ICE, look who came to see me today and she also wanted to see you...my daughter Shelly.
(The actress playing old Chelsea opens the door wider and in walks with her middle aged daughter. ICE and her smile at one another as she walks over and leans down in order to give him a hug.)
Shelley: Been a long time.
Old ICE: Yeah...not that I would remember.
Shelley: Oh, do you have Dementia?
Old ICE: No, but I had a bit of a drinking problem back in the day?
Old Chelsea: Only a bit of one?
Old ICE: What does that mean?
Old Chelsea: Let’s just say there was more than one occasion you forgot about our date.
Old ICE: Alright, I may have forgotten about the date but I always remembered what happened after the date.
Shelley: Please, I don’t want to hear that.
Old ICE: Hey at least I was a romantic, not like kids these days with their Internet Sex Buddies and People Marrying Computers.
Shelley: Wow, I never thought I would hear ICE Beckman complaining about kids.
Old ICE: If you are implying I was a bit immature and reckless than you would be wrong.
Old Chelsea: How exactly is she wrong about that?
Old ICE: I still am immature and reckless.
Old Chelsea: Well I guess you’re right about that.
Shelley: A lot has changed since back then, I mean that was still back when boats could actually use the ocean.
Old Chelsea: Oh yeah, I remember back, before it became nothing but waves of trash.
Old ICE: Hell was that even before the Pope’s Sex Tape came out?
Shelley: I remember that, the “Bang Heard Around the World”, they called it.
Old Chelsea: That was gross, all those poor little boys and girls.
Old ICE: And Monkeys dressed like Angels don’t forget.
(They all shudder.)
Shelley: That was even before Antarctica surpassed Australia in human population.
Old Chelsea: The power of global warming.
Old ICE: Guess we should have listened to Al Gore...but speaking of that things are heating up around here, you know.
Shelley: Not you two getting back together, I hope.
Old Chelsea: No he is talking about a couple of dicks who are planning on rigging Space Bingo this week.
Old ICE: And what would be so wrong if we did get back together.
Shelley: Don’t get me started.
Old Chelsea: Don’t worry Shelley, it isn’t going to happen anytime soon.
Old ICE: Well we can still do 2am booty calls thou, right?
Shelley: Alright that is enough for me...it was nice to see you again ICE.
Old ICE: Same here...and Shelly congrats on being so much like your mother.
Old Chelsea: Trust me ICE, she knows how lucky she is.
Shelley: Bye ICE, and never change.
Old ICE: Don’t worry I am too old to now anyhow.
(Shelley leans down to give ICE one more hug and Chelsea has to make sure ICE’s hand doesn’t slip down to low on her younger back as the scene fades to black...
Thursday: The Actual Metal Metallica: Robot Rock Show
...the scene opens with what WCF old timers that haven’t been banned from events for this week for fighting or giving inappropriate presents to Papa Seth. The actors dressed in old person’s make up are all gathered around a small stage in the rec room. They have their chairs and wheelchairs all pointed towards the small stage that has a lot of rock band gear laid out on it. Papa Seth opens the show by walking onto the stage, taking his time for the rumbling to die down...which is a bad pun waiting to happen in an old folks home...finally Seth speaks to the small crowd.)
Papa Seth: Welcome to the music event of the week. Now I know these guys were cool in the 80s and it is the 60s but I am sure you will be signing 10s all night long.
(No even a giggle from the crowd.)
Papa Seth: Not even a damn giggle for that joke...damn, Kazy Mazy you are banned from the show tonight.
Old Kazy Mazy: What? I didn’t do anything!
Papa Seth: I gave you my applesauce for that joke and it bombed worse than we bombed France after they dared to say America was nothing but a bunch of hot head maniacs.
Old Kazy Mazy: Fine I will leave, but you will miss my jokes.
(All the senior citizens laugh out loud.)
Old Kazy Mazy: Urgh, I hate all of you.
(Kazy Mazy spins and books it out of the room...thanks to his hoover wheel chair boost power button.)
Old ICE: Reminds me the time Corey stormed off when they ran out of chocolate pudding.
Old Corey Black: I told you Vanilla gives me gas!
Old Jonny Fly: I thought Choc did too
Old Corey Black: Yes, it does...blabber mouth...but chocolate is my secret obsession, just like I told you about Sex in the Space Ship starting Sarah Jessica Parker’s Robot Double.
Old Orbit: Who the fuck is the blabber mouth now, bitch?
Old Corey Black: Shut up...everyone shut up! And stop interrupting Papa Seth!
Papa Seth: Actually Corey, you were the one interrupting me the most.
Old Buzz Worthy: Can we hurry this up, I have a thimble sized bladder and really don’t want to miss The Actual Metal Metallica play Master of Puppets.
Pap Seth: Oh me too, that is my fav! So without further ado...he is The Actual Metal Metallica!
(A group of robot bodies with Metallica members skulls floating around in fish bowls on their shoulders come marching onto the stage. The robots are dressed in tight jeans and torn clothes just like the original Metallica might have been found.)
Robot “James”: Hello and welcome to the show. Who is ready to rock...safely of course?
(The old folks give the kind of cheer they might if they announced extra pudding at dinner, but not as loud as they will for Space Bingo tomorrow night.)
Robot “Lars”: But first please remember not to use Napster. Rock millionaires are people too.
Old ICE: Someone needs to update that robot’s software.
Old Orbit: Yeah, but I have to say seeing those skulls floating around in over Robot bodies is much more terrifying than the actual Metallica ever did.
Old ICE: Wait, look at that.
Old Orbit: So Jonny Fly is cleaning out his hairy ears, who the fuck cares?
Old ICE: Well first off the poor Robot nurse that he is going to be sticking that dirty finger into her power unit, probably cares.
Old Orbit: True.
Old ICE: But I was actually talking about that.
Old Orbit: What the fuck is going on? Papa Seth shaking hands with Daniel Booker?
Old ICE: Something isn’t right, that guy is supposed to be banned.
Old Orbit: Time to find this shit out...right after this song.
(After the song comes to an end ICE and Orbit are able to slowly, but steadily make their way over to where Papa Seth is hanging with the frail Pantheon.)
Old ICE: What is he doing here, he is banned after getting into a fight!
Old Corey Black: I used to have the Ban Hammer, now I have the un-Ban Hammer.
Old Orbit: What the shit does that mean?
Papa Seth: I don’t even know what that means. But all that is happening over here is that I decided to make Daniel Booker the caller for Bingo tomorrow.
Old Orbit: Why would you pick him, you should pick me and fade to black!
Old ICE: It makes me what to enter the sandman!
Old Orbit: Yeah, you better change that decision of else you will find out whom the bell tolls!
Old Corey Black: Well you two stop using Metallica song titles in your sentences, it is really annoying.
Old ICE: I have no idea what you are talking about.
Old Orbit: Now pick one of us as caller for when it comes to bingo nothing else matters.
Papa Seth: I have made my choice and I am sticking with it.
Old ICE: Find Seth, stick with the dark side, but I will not forgive you later, yes to me you are The Unforgiven.
Old Corey Black: Stop Doing THAT!
Old Jonny Fly: Sorry but ear wax is annoying
Old Corey Black: Not you! Urgh, why did I ever let you hang out with Tyler Walker so much?
Old Jonny Fly: He is smart guy right?
(They all look over at the actor playing the senior citizen Walker and watch him try to fill his coffee cup from a house plant.)
Old Jonny Fly: See he make own leaf tea
Old ICE: Shut up idiot, why don’t you talk some more about your boring ass life like you used to do.
Old Jonny Fly: I would...if I remember it
Old Orbit: This isn’t over boys, we will see you tomorrow on the Moon for Space Bingo and we will be the one walking out with the glory.
Papa Seth: And by glory you mean the coupons to Astro Applebees?
Old Orbit: Yeah, for we love their food.
Old ICE: But we love a good deal even more!
(And with that the old Kings walk away from the rest as the historic rock music keeps playing and the movie scene fades to a dark screen...
Friday: Space Bingo
...early in the morning the whole crew had gathered on a shuttle in order to blast into space and visit the Great Moon Casino in space. They had rented out an entire bingo hall just for themselves and their was a buzz in the air like their might have been back in the locker room before a big Pay Per View. Papa Seth is standing up on stage, with the old Daniel Booker next to him next to the ping pong balls in a cage. Papa Seth is having a quick world with Old Corey Black and Old Jonny Fly. Black and Seth seem to be happy as they shake hands and Jonny seems happy, but mostly because he likes the neat cosmic lights on the ceiling.)
Old Alex Richards: Hurry up and start!
Old Omega: Yeah! I need to make my money back! I am sick of being poor and having to leave in the WCF Retirement Home!
Old ZMAC: And we are fucking sick of having you there!
Old Cairo: I am just sick of waiting...pull the first number already!
Papa Seth: Alright, we are just about to-
Old ICE: Stop right there!
(Everyone freezes due to their ability to take orders well in old age, but thanks to be stiff it wasn’t that hard for anyone of the past wrestlers.)
Old Orbit: This Bingo Game Has Been Fixed!!
(Dun dun dun!)
Old Jonny Fly: Was that dinner bell
Old Cormack MacNeill: Aye laddie, you aren’t supposed to react to the movie’s music.
Old Jonny Fly: I be movie, wow
Old Tyler Walker: That’s it, I have had it with you Fly! I am sick of pretending to be dumb in order to make you still feel okay. I am out of here.
(The old Walker uses his walker to exit the room, but mumbles his frustrations on the way out.)
Papa Seth: Shut up, Shut Up, and how you two Vapor Kings accuse me, Papa Seth, the lord of the WCF and FOREVER!!
(Just then the old Papa Seth, who is red in the face, grabs his chest and falls on the floor! Everyone gasps, expect for Old Cairo for is busy picking the pocket of Old Corey Black. The robot nurse is quick to the side of the collapsed Papa Seth.)
Robot Nurse: Oh my...he is dead!
Old Jayson Price: Good news Everyone! I finally was able to get by Seth and join you all! Take that Papa Seth!
(Old Jayson looks down and sees Seth lying dead on the floor.)
Old Omega: Nice bad timing Jayson.
Old Jayson Price: Oh, this is awkward...eh, I stand by what I said.
Old Corey Black: You damn Vapor Kings! You killed him!
Old ICE: That is where you are wrong...well that is ONE of the MANY ways you are wrong...starting with that outfit, sandals with socks? Really?
Old Omega: What are you two talking about?
Old Orbit: Papa Seth couldn’t take the stress anymore...the stress he got from rigging this Bingo game.
ICE: And if we did kill him with this shcoking reveal...huh, I am okay with that.
Old Corey Black: What proof do you have we cheated the bingo game?
Old ICE: First off the packing material you gave him for his birthday...it was packaging material at all...but the rigged Ping Pong Bingo balls!
Old Orbit: And that present you gave him, a stuffed animal.
Old ICE: Which we found suspicious since Papa Seth was always running away from his young kid image, but he seemed to enjoy such a gift, but why?
Old Alex Richards: Because it is soft and fluffy and keeps away the Boogie Man?
Old Cormack MacNeill: I thought they caught the Boogie Man back in 2063.
Old Alex Richards: Oh they did...finally I can sleep without my ICE Beckman night-light.
Old Orbit: Then reason Papa Seth didn’t complain was because he could feel the million dollar bills stuffed inside of it.
Old Omega: Wow, this is all coming together.
Old Livewire: Wow, this is all coming together. And my boot that got eaten did that have something to do with it too?
Old ICE: No, that was just because Hyena is a weirdo.
Old Corey Black: Is that all the evidence you got?
Old Orbit: Well that...and video tape Jonny Fly made of you two coming up with the plan.
Old Jonny Fly: whoops play button dont mean record i thought
Old Kazy Mazy: Bingo...more like Ringo! I mean Riggo.
Old Buzz Worthy: Finally, an actually joke.
Old Corey Black: GOD DAMN YOU STUPID FUCKING MORON FLY! I AM GOING TO-
(And as quick as it happened to Papa Seth, Corey grabs his chest and falls down next to Papa Seth.)
Old Jonny Fly: No die dont
Old Corey Black: Not without you I don’t!
(Black’s last bit of life energy gives him the strength to reach up grab the old man Fly by the shirt, pull him down and punch him so hard in his brittle skull that it kills the elderly idiot...and then Black finishes dying of the heart attack.)
Robot Nurse: They are both dead...this isn’t going to look good to my supervisor.
Old ZMAC: Well what the fuck do we do now?
Old Orbit: The only thing there is left to do...
Old ICE: Let’s Play some MOTHERFUCKING BINGO!!
(And with that the old senior zitizens of the WCF Retirement Home cheers. They scurry back to their perfect laid out Bingo cards as the Robot Nurse causally gets back to cleaning up the three bodies...
THE END
...the lights in the theater begin to come back on as the credits roll. You then get up, turn on your cell phone and leave the theater happy you didn’t wait for this to come to Red Box in order to see it.)
VK Studios Presents: “WCF: The Old Folks Home”
