Post by Natural ICE Beckman on May 23, 2014 15:15:24 GMT -5
ICE: It’s your grandson, Natural ICE Beckman.
(The intercom buzzed something back that was hard to understand, than the compound’s large old iron gates began to slowly open. ICE Beckman walked in between the two gates into a courtyard that has an unkempt garden with a winding stone path cutting through the green....
The phone call to come here was out of the blue, but very much welcomed considering no one else in the Beckman family was currently talking to me. But still odd, that he wanted to talk to me now. It was like all I did was mention I spent last week in Germany and the old man insisted that I come. I had never met my grandpa before, but heard he had to leave the U.S. in the 80s after some tax fraud gone wrong. This should be an interesting meeting I think.
...ICE continues through the court yard until he reaches a large wooden front door. ICE is just about to knock on the door when an old handsome man comes from the side of the house.)
Grandfather: Natural?
ICE: Grandpa?
Grandfather: Call me Grandfather.
(ICE smiles at the old man...
Yep he is my father’s dad alright.
...the old man leads ICE Beckman around the large mansion to the back yard. ICE takes a moment to look over the beautiful view of Mexico City as his grandfather makes a few drinks at the bar. He motions for ICE to sit down by the pool as he does the same after handing ICE a glass of tequila.)
Grandfather: Heard you have a taste for the liquor.
ICE: A taste? Hmm, that is one way to say it.
Grandfather: Careful, we Beckman’s are known for our additive personalities.
(ICE smiles are the comment...
Where was that warning in junior high? Oh, that’s right, back then this old man didn’t even know I existed.
...ICE allows the loveable sting of alcohol to wash over his taste buds.)
ICE: You might not know this, but my father and mother ditched me as a baby in a town called-
Grandfather: Foam Lake. In Wisconsin.
(ICE’s expression was a dictionary definition for confused as the old man chuckled.)
Grandfather: Hell, Natural, it was my idea.
ICE: You mean-
Grandfather: That is someone else’s tale to tell however.
ICE: Then why did you bring me here?
Grandfather: To educate you with lessons from the past.
ICE: Well, at least I am not tied up like I was for my father’s teaching.
Grandfather: Hah, my son does like his theatrics, but that is a young man’s game.
(The old man gets up and grabs ICE’s empty glass...
Young man’s game? I thought my father sweated dust.
...ICE’s grandfather makes another round of drinks with fine Mexican tequila. He brings them back to the pool side, handing one of the glasses to ICE, keeping the other for himself.)
ICE: Then if it’s not my past you brought me here for, then whose?
Grandfather: Mine.
ICE: Great, you are going to tell me all about how my father was a little shit as a child?
Grandfather: Hah, no, no, again, a story for another day. No, I brought you hear to tell you about War.
ICE: I live in a world of war; I think I know that one too well.
Grandfather: Hah, you know nothing. Professional wrestling is a game of patty cake compared to real war, no one gets hurt, no one dies.
ICE: My friend Oblivion killed some guy on my late night show just a few weeks ago.
(ICE’s grandfather chuckles again...
Why is he laughing? I wasn’t joking.
...ICE’s grandfather throws back the tequila and then slaps ICE on the knee.)
Grandfather: I remember those stories like they happened to me yesterday...
(ICE takes another sip of the tequila as he allows his imagination to overtake him...
As he begins to speak of names, and people, it all reminds me of WCF and the Trios Cup battles.
...we open this story on a US army dining hall in England days before D-Day. A young Beckman grandfather is sitting at a table with a silver tray piled with food in front of him.)
Grandfather Voice Over: I was a brash youth, ready to end this war all by myself. I was busy dreaming of my home coming parade when a huge man and a crazy looking fella sat down on either side of me.
Beckman: You two have names?
Grandfather Voice Over: Now keep in mind the army was big on nicknames back then. The huge guy spoke first...
Annihilation: They call me Annihilation.
Hardcore: They call me Hardcore.
Beckman: Annihilation? How did you earn that nickname?
Annihilation: Remember the training dummy from boot camp?
Beckman: The one you stabbed with the bayonet?
Annihilation: Yeah, I kind of tore it apart, with my hands and...my mouth.
Beckman: And how did you earn your name, Hardcore?
Hardcore: I am kind of a champion of crazy...oh and I got this.
Grandfather Voice Over: That’s when that crazy mother fucker put his leg on the table, or at least what he called a leg. Looked like more of log wrapped in duct tape to me.
Hardcore: A mountain lion tore off my leg when I was young. I figured I could cry about it or I could just fucking move on, so I moved on.
Beckman: That’s...that’s-
Hardcore: Hardcore? I know, hence the name.
Grandfather Voice Over: I was going to say stupid, but I let him have his pride.
Beckman: You guys ready for the invasion? I heard if the weather holds it, it’s just a few days away.
Annihilation: I am ready to eat some Nazi fucking skulls.
Hardcore: I can feel it in my trick log, we are ready, but not everyone.
Grandfather Voice Over: Hardcore began pointing out some guys he didn’t think would make it off the beach-
ICE: Wait, just a moment.
(Back to present day Mexico...
I had to clarify something.
...ICE uses his hand to shade his eyes from the hot sun as he looks over to his Grandfather.)
ICE: Wow, sounds like you had to be really bold back then.
Grandfather: Yes, we had to be bold, but we also had to be smart and brave.
ICE: But when things happened back then, they are bold! And thinking was very slanty.
Grandfather: What the hell are you talking about?
ICE: Nothing, just saying things back then are bold and thinking was italicly.
(ICE’s grandfather gets another drink from the bar as he studies his grandson for logic...
I was just trying to help out the people at home.
...back to the WW II story.)
Grandfather Voice Over: Well I was right. It was just a few short days from then before we were crossing the English Channel. I remember the scene in the landing boat with lots of vomiting and shaking, mostly from me.
Annihilation: Damnit, Beckman, I told you not to get drunk this morning.
Beckman: I was celebrating!
Hardcore: You seem to “celebrate” every morning....and afternoon and early evening and...
Grandfather Voice Over: Us three were sharing a laugh when our weasel Captain Lerch called out.
Captain Lerch: Alright boys, just a few minutes to the beach, remember to stay calm, stay sharp and most importantly remember to shield me from the bullets!!
Grandfather Voice Over: I looked around the vessel at the other men in my Company...the Bio Twins, a pair of morons...The Butt, which is what he called him since he sounded like a fart when he talked...Runner, a biker gang member....Anime, some skinny lad who spoke of magic...Peter Quilt, some writer...Mack, Cal and Alp, a group of recent European refuges...Zombie, who always looked half dead...Turtle, who loved to talk about his daddy...Jerky, who was more of a loser than a big time jerk...Cost, who was always stealing my flask...Day Carry and Evil, two guys who were pioneers of the “Don’t ask, don’t tell” program...Reprisal, who was always hard to find when you needed help...Dr. Remmy, our unit’s know it all medic...Lighting, Deputy and Rainy, three buffoons who always were fighting among one another...Jump, a guy who was also making friends with random objects...Sweet R, who was always making friendships and quickly souring on them...Hollywood, a flakey actor...Huggy, more of an old teddy bear than a warrior...Sea, a guy who always seemed sad or blue like the water...Ifer, a risk taking big mouth....Rash, a sleazy hick...Marka, a Russian immigrate...Stace, a horny boy always looking for loving...Doc, some hillbilly who was far from a real doctor...Whitey, the guy who hated everything...and finally Dilly and Rich, two guys who somehow passed the psychological test.
Capitan Lerch: You boys ready for this?...Cause I am not.
Grandfather Voice Over: Before I could even answer him the boat found land and the front of the landing craft opened to a storm of bullets from a German machine gun.
Capitan Lerch: Protect ME!!
Grandfather Voice Over: Confusion was over taking the boat as I saw Anime ripped apart by bullets!
Beckman: Over the SIDES!
Capitan Lerch: Yeah, What He Said!
Grandfather Voice Over: We all begin to jump out of the boat and into the cold water below. I remember how heavy my equipment was when someone grabbed my backpack for help. I turned to see Rainy looking at me. I thought he was happy to be so wet, boy was I wrong. I had to pull him off me to save myself, I watched him sink deeper into the black. That’s when that sneaky fuck Cost stole my flask and swam away. Finally after some time I was able to get to the beach and find my friends.
Annihilation: We need to find some cover!
Hardcore: Over there.
Grandfather Voice Over: We were hunkered down behind some metal barricades as more men from our company ran up with us.
Beckman: We need to take out that machine gun.
Turtle: My dad could do it!
Beckman: Is your daddy here?
Turtle: No, but I wish he was.
Sea: I miss home too, this war is depressing me.
Ifer: Not even God cares about you Sea, so be quiet!
Beckman: Okay, anyone have an actual idea?
Rich: What about a box that could heat your food much faster than an oven...I call it a Microwave!
Jerky: Stupid shut up; you big bald moron.
Hardcore: I actually like that idea.
Beckman: Me too, but it doesn’t really help us now.
Lighting: I know exactly what to do.
Grandfather Voice Over: Too bad that was the last thing he said before a bullet hit him between the eyes!
Deputy: NOOO! I wasn’t done yelling at him yet!
Grandfather Voice Over: He was done however after a bullet found his head too.
ICE: Geesh, everyone is dying right away.
(Back to the present day in the Mexican court yard...
My grandfather didn’t look happy that I interrupted him; well he was going to have to get used to that.
...ICE leans forward to hear the answer to his question.)
Grandfather: This is war Natural, it is not funny.
ICE: Well, I am trying.
Grandfather: What’s that?
ICE: Nothing, just keep telling the story.
(Back to Normandy beach...
War might not be a joke, but it’s a little funnier when you are on the winning side.
...explosions to the right, bullets streaming to the left, chaos all around.)
Grandfather Voice Over: Finally we had made it close enough to the German strong hold to begin preparing our explosives.
Annihilation: 3...2...1....FIRE IN THE HOLE, BITCHESSS!!!
Grandfather Voice Over: The explosion shook the earth, but opened our pathway.
Hardcore: Were in business boys, Good Shit!
Beckman: Runner, we need that gunman taken out, ASAP!
Runner: You got it, nothing keeps me down!
Grandfather Voice Over: He was brave and strong willed, then he was everywhere, after the grenade he didn’t throw in time went off in his hands.
Whitey: Fucking Moron, now I will be picking his guts out of my beard for weeks!
ICE: How did Whitey get a beard?
(Back in Mexico...
I thought everyone had to shave in the army.
...ICE’s grandfather answers after a drink.)
Grandfather: Some god damn rule about him being Amish.
ICE: Doesn’t that mean he shouldn’t fight either?
Grandfather: Whitey was just too pissed at the world to sit out of the fighting I guess.
(Back to the War...
I would question that more, but I know that look in my grandfather’s eyes, same one I get before kicking some ass, so I let it go.
...the US army men are through the lines now and are beginning to surround a German beach head bunker.)
Jerky: Zombie, you’re more active than my bowels movements, aka my only friends.
Beckman: Zombie, since you’re bouncing around like you have to hit the head, why don’t you jump in that bunker and clear it?
Zombie: I DON’T HAVE TO SHIT!
Grandfather Voice Over: And he sure didn’t, for he jumped into the bunker and started punching those Nazi’s right in the face!
Turtle: Turtle with a live shell!!
Grandfather Voice Over: He must have thought Zombie was his dad or something because Turtle followed him into the bunker, moments later the bunker exploded in a cloud of dirt and fire!
Hardcore: That was the bravest thing I have ever seen.
Beckman: They are both dead.
Hardcore: I didn’t say it was smart.
Grandfather Voice Over: They might have been killed, but they got the job done and the bunker was ours.
Jerky: Out of my way morons! I see a nickel!
Grandfather Voice Over: It actually was just a melted belt buckle, but no one could stop Jerky from jumping into the flaming bunker and really no one wanted to anyhow. As Jerky mocked the fire for killing him slowly, I remember looking around at the horrific scene, the beach head was now United States Property.
Logan: I didn’t know USA had land in France.
(Logan was the one who interrupted the story this time...
At least it wasn’t me who interrupted this time. Wait, when the fuck did Logan show up?
...ICE’s grandfather looks over at Logan.)
Grandfather: Who the fuck are you?
Logan: Who the fuck are you?
ICE: Logan, meet my grandfather; Grandfather, meet my partner, Logan.
Grandfather: Partner, huh? Well, Logan, for your information, USA gave it all back after the war.
Logan: Why did we do that?
Grandfather: I asked the same question back then and I’m still waiting for my answer.
(Back to the War...
Logan must have jumped the walls, which meant Catsy was probably rummaging through my grandfather’s fridge for milk right now.
...the Company is hunkered down by a brick wall outside a small French village.)
Grandfather Voice Over: It was a few days after D-Day and we were about to take our first town back from those Nazi fucks.
Capitan Lerch: Hey guys, did you hear I won a medal for leading us on D-Day?
Rash: Freaking U.S. government, what did you get that medal for anyhow?
Beckman: Hiding behind us like a coward?
Hardcore: I saw you crying a lot back there, was that it?
Capitan Lerch: No, for bravely leading my company into battle.
Annihilation: Shut up.
Capitan Lerch: Okay.
Beckman: Best I figure we need to flank them to the right. Bio Twins and The Butt, could you handle that?
Bio Twin #1: bitches be in stitches
Bio Twin #2: homas in comas
Beckman: Is that a yes?
The Butt: Yesffft!
Grandfather Voice Over: They ran out from behind that wall and quickly were under fire. Those three imbeciles were pinned down in a small shack, which was a perfect distraction for the rest of us Americans to blindside the Nazis. We quickly went left and found ourselves a small hill in which we could pick off the German soldiers one by one.
Gamble: I doth think we must kill with uncertain knowledge of God’s approval.
Rich: You talk funny!
Dilly: Well, you think funny!
Rich: I can’t help that, my parents dropped me on my head!
Dilly: Well my parents dropped me on my head and feed me paint chips as a child!
Dr. Remmy: Will you two stop it already!
Dilly: Make us!
Rich: Yeah, make us!
Grandfather Voice Over: Well the Germans sure made them shut up, for those two crazy fools ran away from Remmy and right into enemy fire!
Peter Quilt: I think I will write a book about those two under my pseudonym author name, Dr. Suess.
Beckman: Are you crying Dr. Remmy?
Dr. Remmy: (sniffling)...No! Shut Up!
Hardcore: Alright, the Nazis are retreating.
Marka: Fuckin’ German cowards.
Stace: The town is ours...now where is the local brothel?
Grandfather Voice Over: That is when I saw Annihilation lying on the ground, blood pouring from his leg.
Beckman: Annihilation, are you okay?
Annihilation: Just a scratch. I am fine.
Beckman: Doc! We need Doc!
Doc: I am right here!
Beckman: Not you, the smart Doc.
Doc: Oh, yeah, that ain’t me alright.
Oblivion: What happened with Annihilation?
(Back to the present day in the Beckman Mexican estate...
How did someone that big sneak up on us? This must be a good war story.
...ICE’s Grandfather leans back in his chair as he takes in the whole massive monster which is Oblivion.)
Grandfather: Now who the hell are you?
ICE: Another partner of mine, Grandfather met Oblivion.
Oblivion: He answered your question, now you answer mine.
Grandfather: It was going to take more than a single bullet to stop Annihilation, trust me.
(Back to the war...
If Logan hopped the fence, then Oblivion must have torn those old rusty gates off their hinges in order to get in.
...it is night now. The US soldiers are walking through a field of wild flowers, some of them smoking as the walk, others keeping a keen eye on the horizon for the enemy.)
Jump: I hope I Mr. Gun gets a chance tonight.
Mack: Who the blimey is Mr. Gun?
Stace: That’s what the whores call my dick.
Jump: This is Mr. Gun.
Mack: You point that at me again and I’ll have your arse.
Stace: I had a whore’s ass last night....(winks at Marka)...
Marka: Funny, I had a dream you were behind me and- wait, that no dream, Marka no find that good.
Cal: Haha, you raped a Russian.
Grandfather Voice Over: Mack was about to shoot Jump’s smile off his face and Marka was about to pound Stace into the ground like a spike. I was looking for Capitan Lerch when the first mortar hit! Before I knew it we were running through the field. Suddenly my fellow soldiers began to explode all around me in a puff of dark grey smoke!!
Peter Quilt: Quick over to me, I have cover!
Hardcore: That’s a fucking book!
Peter Quilt: But, it’s a BIG book and it has a cover....(Explodes!)
The Butt: MORTARSFFFFT!!!...(Explodes!)
Bio Twin #1: i want my teddy bear...(Explodes!)
Bio Twin #2: im no ones bitch...(Explodes!)
Logan: Sorry, but it’s pretty funny they died so close together.
(ICE’s grandfather look with a dead stare at Logan...
He might be my Grandfather, but if he tries to hurt Logan...well, I really want that Trios Cup.
...Logan smiles as ICE’s grandfather’s expression changes with a sigh.)
Grandfather: Hell, don’t worry, it was funny then, why shouldn’t it be now?
(With laughs all around we go back to our story from WW II...
Almost had to give my grandfather the Cock-tailed Crossface, that was close.
(...the army men are still running through the field looking for cover from the mortar blasts.)
Sweet R: Should we go back to help them? I loved those guys!
Cost: Yeah, they had my wine in their bags.
Sweet R: Nah, on second thought I guess I didn’t like them that much.
Capitan Lerch: You can go back if you want to; I’m getting the fuck out of here!
Beckman: Such a fearless leader we have.
Doc: I reckon’ we need to run faster!...(Explodes)
Marka: I try running fast, but Stace keeps grabbing my tookus! ...(Explodes)
Stace: (stops)...Ew, I am covered in blood, that’s kind of hot, right?...(Explodes)
Grandfather Voice Over: Finally we found cover in a grove of trees. We quickly turned and got down in order to return fire.
Annihilation: WHO THE FUCK IS RUNNING AT US!?!
Capitan Lerch: It’s the Nazi’s! RUN!!!
Grandfather Voice Over: The last I saw of the Capitan he was running away as fast as he could. And last I heard of him he joined the losing German side and escaped to Argentina after the war.
Hardcore: It’s not the Nazis, it’s fucking Cost!
Alps: Damn that Mate, he went back to get the wine!
Cost: Good news.
Whitey: Fuck me, I hate good news.
Day Carry: Evil, may I please ask I question?
Evil: Sure, I guess that would be okay.
Day Carry: Thank you Evil. Cost, is the good news that the twins or Butt is still alive?
Cost: Oh no, they are way dead, but I got my wine.
ICE: How did the wine not blow up when the twins did?
(Back to Mexico...
I might only me a scientist of mixology, but my days as a youth with firecrackers taught me, when things blow up they all blow up.
...ICE’s grandfather is ready with his answer.)
Grandfather: Those were French wine bottles, you know what that meant?
Logan: The wine bottles were good at waving a white flag?
Oblivion: No, they were good at surrendering and waiting for American help.
Grandfather: Hah, no, no, the French spend way too much time on their wine, probably should have spent more time on their Maginot Line, and maybe the Germans would have walked through their Belgium back door, hah!
(Back to the second world of war...
It might be the tequila twisting things, but its nice how well this story goes with WCF superstars, don’t you think?
...Now the company of United States soldiers is walking along a dirt road near the border of France and Germany.)
Grandfather Voice Over: Well lucky for us we had been given duty guarding a small bridge and hadn’t seen much action for a few months. Reprisal and Huggy had gone missing on patrol one night, but no one seem to notice them being gone. But now things were about to change as were on the move, finally entering Germany and best of all we had a new leader...
Annihilation: Alright you BITCHESSS MOVE IT, MOVE IT!
Sea: Please don’t yell, it upsets the voices in my head.
Ifer: I am the only voice you should be listening to.
Evil: Don’t boss him around, Ifer.
Day Carry: Yeah!
Evil: Shhh, Carry, I didn’t say you could speak.
Hardcore: All of you better keep marching, or Annihilation is bound to do to you what he did to Rash.
Rash: Hey, it was my choice to sleep in that pig sty.
Beckman: Was it also your choice not to bath the next day?
Gamble: Yeah, you smell worse than the dried vomit on Cost’s uniform.
Cost: I don’t have dried...(looks down at his uniform.)...Damn, I do have dried vomit on my uniform.
Annihilation: Stop the Chit Chat BITCHESS! We need to move, the fighting has already started!
Grandfather Voice Over: We quickly moved down the road and found ourselves in a series of fox holes outside a German town. Bullets were zipping over our heads as we prepared to return fire.
Evil: Oh, shucks, I dropped my gun’s clip.
Day Carry: I’ll get it for you.
Grandfather Voice Over: Suddenly Day’s face was Swiss cheese from bullets.
Evil: No....you bastards!!....I loved him.
Beckman: Evil, come back!
Evil: I will avenge my lover’s life!
Beckman: No, come-, wait, did he say lover?
Mack: Awe, I thought I heard those two doing something last night.
Dr. Remmy: It wasn’t me crying about Dilly, that’s for sure!
Ifer: It defiantly wasn’t me and Sea, he wouldn’t let-
Sea: Shhhh!!
Grandfather Voice Over: Back then the whole gay thing was way more shocking then being shot at, so we were all starting at them.
Ifer: ........I mean...I am the Angel of Death!
Grandfather Voice Over: That’s when we heard the bomb approaching....SSSSSSS PAC!!!!....He was the something of Death when the tank shell exploded in his fox hole killing him, Rash and Sea.
ICE: Not Chelsea!
(Back to the warm day in Mexico...
Did I just say that out loud?....wait I just got a text.
....ICE’s face goes red and he doesn’t say anything before pulling out his phone and walking away from poolside.)
Grandfather: What was that all about?
Logan: It’s called a text, like a magic piece of mail that is sent via space-
Grandfather: Quiet, I know what texting is, I meant why did he walk off with his phone.
Oblivion: Some girl in our wrestling federation.
Logan: I think he is just playing around with her, but I don’t think it will cost us our match.
Grandfather: Trust me, when it matters a Beckman will always be there, for glory, for honor, for his friends. And a good example of that...
(Back to the front lines of 1945 Germany with what remains of the US army company...
...(smiling at my phone)...
...the group of now harden men were enjoying a few drinks of good German brew in a freshly taken beer hall.)
Beckman: To our fallen friends!
Alps: To our mates!
Dr. Remmy: Yes, to Dilly!
Cost: To our drinks!
Cal: To the Queen!
Hardcore: To the-
Annihilation: NAZIS!!
Beckman: I don’t think that’s a good toast, Annihilation.
Annihilation: No. Nazis! Outside!
Grandfather Voice Over: I swear that guy had voices telling me when the enemy approached. Suddenly explosions began to rain down all around the beer hall. In a flash we were outside the hall and running for the front line.
Mack: Awe, were that Cost be?
Sweet R: He is finishing our drinks back at the hall.
Beckman: Not mine.
Hardcore: How can you shoot with that beer stein in your hand?
Alps: CAL! NO!!
Grandfather Voice Over: Things started to go South quick for us, Cal was shot, Alps took a tank shell in the gut and Mack lost one on one combat with a Nazi’s knife finding his throat. Chaos began to overtake us and the soundtrack was laughter.
Whitey: HAHAHAHA!
Dr. Remmy: Whitey is losing it!
Whitey: Oh, I am fine, I just thought those guys dying, was, well, never mind,...(giggles under his breath)...
Beckman: We need to stay together, keep moving forward!
Grandfather Voice Over: I should have seen it coming, I saw his red swollen eyes, but I was busy trying not to die.
Dr. Remmy: I can’t go on without DILLY!! DILLY I LOVE YOU!
Oblivion: Did he off himself?
(Back to the sun stained pool patio...
Is oblivion eating jerky, I don’t think I want to know what kind.
...Oblivion chews as Grandfather Beckman plays with his glass in order to get the ice to slide around.)
Grandfather: No, but Dr. Remmy ran into enemy fire like he wanted to. But you have to remember, we were all we had.....well that and booze...except for me, I had, well another thing... a friend.
ICE: Are you talking about Grandmother?
Grandfather: No, she wasn’t you Grandmother, but she was...a “friend”...
ICE: A “friend”, ah yes, I have one of those.
(Back to war, with the survivors of the battle...
It was nice to have friends, lots of friends...even secret friends...
...the US army men are now trapped behind the enemies’ line after advancing to far forward.)
Grandfather Voice Over: We were once so many, and now just me, Hardcore, Jump, Whitey, Cost, Sweet R, Gamble and Annihilation to lead us. We had found an abandon warehouse to spend the night in, but were all very uneasy with Nazis all around us.
Jump: Are you scared Mr. Gun?
Jump as Mr. Gun: Yes, please hold me.
Jump: Only if you hold me!
Cost: Shut up Jump.
Sweet R: You shut up, Cost, it’s not Jump’s fault you are going through alcohol with-drawls.
Whitey: You shut up Sweet R.
Sweet R: Fine, then we are not friends anymore!
Whitey: Good.
Sweet R: Dang it, I’m sorry, please be my friend again.
Gamble: Maybe if I did a scene from my single actor play entitled, “Think” we would all feel better. It’s just me posing for three straight hours, no dialogue at all.
Annihilation: Everyone shut up, wait did you say? No talking for three hours? Fine, Gamble, go ahead and do your play.
Grandfather Voice Over: However he only got half-way through his first scene called “My Quiet Childhood” before we heard German voices out on the street. We whispered back and forth as the voices grew closer.
Cost: Should we flag them down?
Hardcore: Why would we do something that stupid?
Cost: They might have a flask, or some rubbing alcohol, whatever it takes to forget the awful truth of my reality.
Sweet R: I bet they would be my friends.
Jump: Who needs friends when you have a talking gun and a singing canteen like I do.
Jump as the Singing Canteen: I am the singing canteen, I am all green, my friends are here and they are...um...
Whitey: Mean.
Annihilation: If you all don’t shut up I am going to eat your hearts.
Logan: He really said, “eat your hearts”?
(Back to the present...
Of course he did, that is something Obliv- I mean, Annihilation would say.
...The Beckman grandfather nods his head.)
Oblivion: Haven’t you ever removed a living heart from something?
Logan: No, but who knows what Catsy has done when I leave him home alone
Grandfather: Catsy?
ICE: He is...a long story; let’s just get back to the WW II story.
(The U.S. army men were beginning to get too loud...
I am not sure exactly how this will end, but I hope the Americans wins.
...the German soldiers outside the warehouse heard the raised voices and begin to pound on the wooden doors in order to get in.)
Gamble: They’re getting in, be like me an act like a box!
Cost: I will shove you in a box Gamble.
Beckman: I believe they call that method acting.
Gamble: Most my methods when acting include ducking the tomatoes from the crowd.
Grandfather Voice Over: As the Nazi’s burst into the room we found some cover behind some old crates. We were trapped, or at least we thought we were. Suddenly a fire exit door opened and standing there with freedom in hand was Huggy.
Hardcore: Huggy is back!
ICE: Who the fuck is Huggy?
(Back to Grandfather’s Beckman’s place...
Huggy? I don’t remember a Huggy being around.
...ICE and his partners wait for an answer from the veteran.)
Grandfather: You remember, the really nice guy.
Logan: Nice guy?
Grandfather: You know, he wouldn’t hurt a fly on the wall.
Oblivion: Yeah, who the fuck is huggy?
Grandfather: He would show up, then leave, then show up, then leave.
Psycho Beer Hot Dog Company: Ohhhhh yeah, him.
(Back to the war story...
I still didn’t remember him, but I also didn’t care.
...Huggy was standing to what we thought was our get-a-way door.)
Sweet R: Huggy! I never thought you would show up!
Cost: You’re not the only one.
Grandfather Voice Over: But before he could even say a word, a bullet got him in the back! We were trapped and had to fight our way out or else end up in a German prisoner of war camp.
Annihilation: I am no one’s BITCH! It’s time to FUCK THESE FUCKING BITHCES!!
Grandfather Voice Over: We fired back with all we had, but our casualties were coming on fast. Whitey took three bullets across his chest.
Whitey: I’ve never hated anything as much as dying.
Grandfather Voice Over: Then Sweet R went when a grenade went off at his feet.
Hardcore: Hmmm, you know I did like that guy.
Cost: Yeah, he wasn’t so bad. You ever tell him that he was cool?
Hardcore: Naw...oh well.
Grandfather Voice Over: Jump was the next to go, but he seemed happy in the end.
Jump: Hey, Mr. Bullet Wound, how’s it going?
Jump as Mr. Bullet Wound: I feel like a man of God.
Jump: How so, Mr. Bullet Wound.
Jump as Mr. Bullet Wound: I am so holy, get it?
Grandfather Voice Over: He was dead before we could tell him we did indeed get the joke. Next to go was Gamble, who went out with the best performance of his life.
Gamble: Thou know’st ‘tis common; all that lives must die, Passing through nature to eternity.
Grandfather Voice Over: We would have given him a round of applause but for the guns in our hands. Cost was next to go and he was as mad as Whitey in his last few moments.
Cost: This is my worst nightmare.
Beckman: Dying in war?
Cost: No, dying sober.
Grandfather Voice Over: So then it was just us three, surrounded by Nazi’s, with no way out. We looked one another in the eyes and said what we thought might be our last words.
Beckman: My feet itch.
Hardcore: I miss that.
Annihilation: I miss Betty Boop.
Beckman: No, No, it’s not going to end like this. We are going to fight through these Nazis-
Annihilation: Nazi Bitches!
Beckman: Exactly and I am not going to end up a prisoner. We are going to fight through this and be Courageous Unstoppable Powerful!! VICTORS!!!
Logan: Did you guys make it out of there?
(Back to Mexico in the modern times...
Courageous Unstoppable Powerful....or CUP for short...hmmm, I love my “coincidences”...
...ICE’s grandfather shakes his head at the empty tequila bottle in his hands.)
Grandfather: We did make it, all three of us. Hell, I even got myself a medal and those other two went into business with one another.
Logan: Doing what?
Grandfather: Hot Dogs. One found the mystery meat and the other convinced America to eat it.
Oblivion: Seems just about right.
Grandfather: Oh no, those hot dogs are anything but right, extremely profitable, but defiantly not right. In fact I remember us three on the boat ride back to America after the war was finally over.
(The three war bounded friends lined against the ships railing with the Atlantic ocean’s waves beating against the boat’s hull below...
Speaking of over, I thought this story was...
...they are passing a flask of army moonshine back and forth as they talk.)
Beckman: Well boys, I can honestly say I wouldn’t have wanted either two guys to make it out alive with.
Annihilation: Same here.
Hardcore: And here.
Beckman: Only one thing left to do...
Annihilation: Be ready for Europeans to forever love Americans?
Hardcore: Remember we still have to defeat Japan?
Beckman: No, it’s time to chant....USA, USA, USA!!
Grandfather Voice Over: And soon enough my friends were joining in and then the rest of the men on the deck, it was music to our ears....and that was the end.
Catsy: WHAT THE FUCK!?!
(Back to Mexico, with Catsy now standing on a nearby table...
Oh boy he doesn’t look happy; my Grandfather must be out of milk.
...Catsy began to point and yell.)
Catsy: A whole fucking story and no characters were based on ME!!
Logan: Well technically it was ICE’s imagination, blame him.
Catsy: There was even a guy based on a fucking on Ollie and he is just a talking butt!!
Grandfather: I am so confused.
Oblivion: Logan’s creations will have that affect.
ICE: Listen, Catsy, um-
Catsy: Don’t “um” me, I am the Psycho Hot Dog Beer Company Manager!
Logan: Wait, you are?
Oblivion: I don’t remember a vote!!!
ICE: Yeah, me either.
Catsy: Fine, I hate you all!!
(Catsy runs off!)
Logan: Catsy, come back here!
Oblivion: Just let him go.
Logan: I would, but last time I did he scratched the side of my car with the words “I just Fucked a Kitty”.
Oblivion: Fine, let’s go get him.
ICE: It’s about time we get going anyways.
(Oblivion and Logan head off, but ICE’s grandfather grabs his arm before he can follow.)
Grandfather: Before you go, I need to tell you, they are here.
ICE: Who?
Grandfather: Your brother, your parents...your family is here in Mexico.
ICE: Where?
Grandfather: I don’t know, but I know they want to talk with you.
ICE:...okay...
Grandfather: I wanted to tell you, because I want you to stay focused-
(ICE phones buzzes from a text message.)
ICE: Focus, got it.
Grandfather: Same for whomever she is...trust me, Natural, stay focused.
(ICE turn to find his friends...
Focus....focus...focus...
...he keeps repeating the word as he walks away, but that doesn’t stop him from checking his text.)
WCF in WW II
(The intercom buzzed something back that was hard to understand, than the compound’s large old iron gates began to slowly open. ICE Beckman walked in between the two gates into a courtyard that has an unkempt garden with a winding stone path cutting through the green....
The phone call to come here was out of the blue, but very much welcomed considering no one else in the Beckman family was currently talking to me. But still odd, that he wanted to talk to me now. It was like all I did was mention I spent last week in Germany and the old man insisted that I come. I had never met my grandpa before, but heard he had to leave the U.S. in the 80s after some tax fraud gone wrong. This should be an interesting meeting I think.
...ICE continues through the court yard until he reaches a large wooden front door. ICE is just about to knock on the door when an old handsome man comes from the side of the house.)
Grandfather: Natural?
ICE: Grandpa?
Grandfather: Call me Grandfather.
(ICE smiles at the old man...
Yep he is my father’s dad alright.
...the old man leads ICE Beckman around the large mansion to the back yard. ICE takes a moment to look over the beautiful view of Mexico City as his grandfather makes a few drinks at the bar. He motions for ICE to sit down by the pool as he does the same after handing ICE a glass of tequila.)
Grandfather: Heard you have a taste for the liquor.
ICE: A taste? Hmm, that is one way to say it.
Grandfather: Careful, we Beckman’s are known for our additive personalities.
(ICE smiles are the comment...
Where was that warning in junior high? Oh, that’s right, back then this old man didn’t even know I existed.
...ICE allows the loveable sting of alcohol to wash over his taste buds.)
ICE: You might not know this, but my father and mother ditched me as a baby in a town called-
Grandfather: Foam Lake. In Wisconsin.
(ICE’s expression was a dictionary definition for confused as the old man chuckled.)
Grandfather: Hell, Natural, it was my idea.
ICE: You mean-
Grandfather: That is someone else’s tale to tell however.
ICE: Then why did you bring me here?
Grandfather: To educate you with lessons from the past.
ICE: Well, at least I am not tied up like I was for my father’s teaching.
Grandfather: Hah, my son does like his theatrics, but that is a young man’s game.
(The old man gets up and grabs ICE’s empty glass...
Young man’s game? I thought my father sweated dust.
...ICE’s grandfather makes another round of drinks with fine Mexican tequila. He brings them back to the pool side, handing one of the glasses to ICE, keeping the other for himself.)
ICE: Then if it’s not my past you brought me here for, then whose?
Grandfather: Mine.
ICE: Great, you are going to tell me all about how my father was a little shit as a child?
Grandfather: Hah, no, no, again, a story for another day. No, I brought you hear to tell you about War.
ICE: I live in a world of war; I think I know that one too well.
Grandfather: Hah, you know nothing. Professional wrestling is a game of patty cake compared to real war, no one gets hurt, no one dies.
ICE: My friend Oblivion killed some guy on my late night show just a few weeks ago.
(ICE’s grandfather chuckles again...
Why is he laughing? I wasn’t joking.
...ICE’s grandfather throws back the tequila and then slaps ICE on the knee.)
Grandfather: I remember those stories like they happened to me yesterday...
(ICE takes another sip of the tequila as he allows his imagination to overtake him...
As he begins to speak of names, and people, it all reminds me of WCF and the Trios Cup battles.
...we open this story on a US army dining hall in England days before D-Day. A young Beckman grandfather is sitting at a table with a silver tray piled with food in front of him.)
Grandfather Voice Over: I was a brash youth, ready to end this war all by myself. I was busy dreaming of my home coming parade when a huge man and a crazy looking fella sat down on either side of me.
Beckman: You two have names?
Grandfather Voice Over: Now keep in mind the army was big on nicknames back then. The huge guy spoke first...
Annihilation: They call me Annihilation.
Hardcore: They call me Hardcore.
Beckman: Annihilation? How did you earn that nickname?
Annihilation: Remember the training dummy from boot camp?
Beckman: The one you stabbed with the bayonet?
Annihilation: Yeah, I kind of tore it apart, with my hands and...my mouth.
Beckman: And how did you earn your name, Hardcore?
Hardcore: I am kind of a champion of crazy...oh and I got this.
Grandfather Voice Over: That’s when that crazy mother fucker put his leg on the table, or at least what he called a leg. Looked like more of log wrapped in duct tape to me.
Hardcore: A mountain lion tore off my leg when I was young. I figured I could cry about it or I could just fucking move on, so I moved on.
Beckman: That’s...that’s-
Hardcore: Hardcore? I know, hence the name.
Grandfather Voice Over: I was going to say stupid, but I let him have his pride.
Beckman: You guys ready for the invasion? I heard if the weather holds it, it’s just a few days away.
Annihilation: I am ready to eat some Nazi fucking skulls.
Hardcore: I can feel it in my trick log, we are ready, but not everyone.
Grandfather Voice Over: Hardcore began pointing out some guys he didn’t think would make it off the beach-
ICE: Wait, just a moment.
(Back to present day Mexico...
I had to clarify something.
...ICE uses his hand to shade his eyes from the hot sun as he looks over to his Grandfather.)
ICE: Wow, sounds like you had to be really bold back then.
Grandfather: Yes, we had to be bold, but we also had to be smart and brave.
ICE: But when things happened back then, they are bold! And thinking was very slanty.
Grandfather: What the hell are you talking about?
ICE: Nothing, just saying things back then are bold and thinking was italicly.
(ICE’s grandfather gets another drink from the bar as he studies his grandson for logic...
I was just trying to help out the people at home.
...back to the WW II story.)
Grandfather Voice Over: Well I was right. It was just a few short days from then before we were crossing the English Channel. I remember the scene in the landing boat with lots of vomiting and shaking, mostly from me.
Annihilation: Damnit, Beckman, I told you not to get drunk this morning.
Beckman: I was celebrating!
Hardcore: You seem to “celebrate” every morning....and afternoon and early evening and...
Grandfather Voice Over: Us three were sharing a laugh when our weasel Captain Lerch called out.
Captain Lerch: Alright boys, just a few minutes to the beach, remember to stay calm, stay sharp and most importantly remember to shield me from the bullets!!
Grandfather Voice Over: I looked around the vessel at the other men in my Company...the Bio Twins, a pair of morons...The Butt, which is what he called him since he sounded like a fart when he talked...Runner, a biker gang member....Anime, some skinny lad who spoke of magic...Peter Quilt, some writer...Mack, Cal and Alp, a group of recent European refuges...Zombie, who always looked half dead...Turtle, who loved to talk about his daddy...Jerky, who was more of a loser than a big time jerk...Cost, who was always stealing my flask...Day Carry and Evil, two guys who were pioneers of the “Don’t ask, don’t tell” program...Reprisal, who was always hard to find when you needed help...Dr. Remmy, our unit’s know it all medic...Lighting, Deputy and Rainy, three buffoons who always were fighting among one another...Jump, a guy who was also making friends with random objects...Sweet R, who was always making friendships and quickly souring on them...Hollywood, a flakey actor...Huggy, more of an old teddy bear than a warrior...Sea, a guy who always seemed sad or blue like the water...Ifer, a risk taking big mouth....Rash, a sleazy hick...Marka, a Russian immigrate...Stace, a horny boy always looking for loving...Doc, some hillbilly who was far from a real doctor...Whitey, the guy who hated everything...and finally Dilly and Rich, two guys who somehow passed the psychological test.
Capitan Lerch: You boys ready for this?...Cause I am not.
Grandfather Voice Over: Before I could even answer him the boat found land and the front of the landing craft opened to a storm of bullets from a German machine gun.
Capitan Lerch: Protect ME!!
Grandfather Voice Over: Confusion was over taking the boat as I saw Anime ripped apart by bullets!
Beckman: Over the SIDES!
Capitan Lerch: Yeah, What He Said!
Grandfather Voice Over: We all begin to jump out of the boat and into the cold water below. I remember how heavy my equipment was when someone grabbed my backpack for help. I turned to see Rainy looking at me. I thought he was happy to be so wet, boy was I wrong. I had to pull him off me to save myself, I watched him sink deeper into the black. That’s when that sneaky fuck Cost stole my flask and swam away. Finally after some time I was able to get to the beach and find my friends.
Annihilation: We need to find some cover!
Hardcore: Over there.
Grandfather Voice Over: We were hunkered down behind some metal barricades as more men from our company ran up with us.
Beckman: We need to take out that machine gun.
Turtle: My dad could do it!
Beckman: Is your daddy here?
Turtle: No, but I wish he was.
Sea: I miss home too, this war is depressing me.
Ifer: Not even God cares about you Sea, so be quiet!
Beckman: Okay, anyone have an actual idea?
Rich: What about a box that could heat your food much faster than an oven...I call it a Microwave!
Jerky: Stupid shut up; you big bald moron.
Hardcore: I actually like that idea.
Beckman: Me too, but it doesn’t really help us now.
Lighting: I know exactly what to do.
Grandfather Voice Over: Too bad that was the last thing he said before a bullet hit him between the eyes!
Deputy: NOOO! I wasn’t done yelling at him yet!
Grandfather Voice Over: He was done however after a bullet found his head too.
ICE: Geesh, everyone is dying right away.
(Back to the present day in the Mexican court yard...
My grandfather didn’t look happy that I interrupted him; well he was going to have to get used to that.
...ICE leans forward to hear the answer to his question.)
Grandfather: This is war Natural, it is not funny.
ICE: Well, I am trying.
Grandfather: What’s that?
ICE: Nothing, just keep telling the story.
(Back to Normandy beach...
War might not be a joke, but it’s a little funnier when you are on the winning side.
...explosions to the right, bullets streaming to the left, chaos all around.)
Grandfather Voice Over: Finally we had made it close enough to the German strong hold to begin preparing our explosives.
Annihilation: 3...2...1....FIRE IN THE HOLE, BITCHESSS!!!
Grandfather Voice Over: The explosion shook the earth, but opened our pathway.
Hardcore: Were in business boys, Good Shit!
Beckman: Runner, we need that gunman taken out, ASAP!
Runner: You got it, nothing keeps me down!
Grandfather Voice Over: He was brave and strong willed, then he was everywhere, after the grenade he didn’t throw in time went off in his hands.
Whitey: Fucking Moron, now I will be picking his guts out of my beard for weeks!
ICE: How did Whitey get a beard?
(Back in Mexico...
I thought everyone had to shave in the army.
...ICE’s grandfather answers after a drink.)
Grandfather: Some god damn rule about him being Amish.
ICE: Doesn’t that mean he shouldn’t fight either?
Grandfather: Whitey was just too pissed at the world to sit out of the fighting I guess.
(Back to the War...
I would question that more, but I know that look in my grandfather’s eyes, same one I get before kicking some ass, so I let it go.
...the US army men are through the lines now and are beginning to surround a German beach head bunker.)
Jerky: Zombie, you’re more active than my bowels movements, aka my only friends.
Beckman: Zombie, since you’re bouncing around like you have to hit the head, why don’t you jump in that bunker and clear it?
Zombie: I DON’T HAVE TO SHIT!
Grandfather Voice Over: And he sure didn’t, for he jumped into the bunker and started punching those Nazi’s right in the face!
Turtle: Turtle with a live shell!!
Grandfather Voice Over: He must have thought Zombie was his dad or something because Turtle followed him into the bunker, moments later the bunker exploded in a cloud of dirt and fire!
Hardcore: That was the bravest thing I have ever seen.
Beckman: They are both dead.
Hardcore: I didn’t say it was smart.
Grandfather Voice Over: They might have been killed, but they got the job done and the bunker was ours.
Jerky: Out of my way morons! I see a nickel!
Grandfather Voice Over: It actually was just a melted belt buckle, but no one could stop Jerky from jumping into the flaming bunker and really no one wanted to anyhow. As Jerky mocked the fire for killing him slowly, I remember looking around at the horrific scene, the beach head was now United States Property.
Logan: I didn’t know USA had land in France.
(Logan was the one who interrupted the story this time...
At least it wasn’t me who interrupted this time. Wait, when the fuck did Logan show up?
...ICE’s grandfather looks over at Logan.)
Grandfather: Who the fuck are you?
Logan: Who the fuck are you?
ICE: Logan, meet my grandfather; Grandfather, meet my partner, Logan.
Grandfather: Partner, huh? Well, Logan, for your information, USA gave it all back after the war.
Logan: Why did we do that?
Grandfather: I asked the same question back then and I’m still waiting for my answer.
(Back to the War...
Logan must have jumped the walls, which meant Catsy was probably rummaging through my grandfather’s fridge for milk right now.
...the Company is hunkered down by a brick wall outside a small French village.)
Grandfather Voice Over: It was a few days after D-Day and we were about to take our first town back from those Nazi fucks.
Capitan Lerch: Hey guys, did you hear I won a medal for leading us on D-Day?
Rash: Freaking U.S. government, what did you get that medal for anyhow?
Beckman: Hiding behind us like a coward?
Hardcore: I saw you crying a lot back there, was that it?
Capitan Lerch: No, for bravely leading my company into battle.
Annihilation: Shut up.
Capitan Lerch: Okay.
Beckman: Best I figure we need to flank them to the right. Bio Twins and The Butt, could you handle that?
Bio Twin #1: bitches be in stitches
Bio Twin #2: homas in comas
Beckman: Is that a yes?
The Butt: Yesffft!
Grandfather Voice Over: They ran out from behind that wall and quickly were under fire. Those three imbeciles were pinned down in a small shack, which was a perfect distraction for the rest of us Americans to blindside the Nazis. We quickly went left and found ourselves a small hill in which we could pick off the German soldiers one by one.
Gamble: I doth think we must kill with uncertain knowledge of God’s approval.
Rich: You talk funny!
Dilly: Well, you think funny!
Rich: I can’t help that, my parents dropped me on my head!
Dilly: Well my parents dropped me on my head and feed me paint chips as a child!
Dr. Remmy: Will you two stop it already!
Dilly: Make us!
Rich: Yeah, make us!
Grandfather Voice Over: Well the Germans sure made them shut up, for those two crazy fools ran away from Remmy and right into enemy fire!
Peter Quilt: I think I will write a book about those two under my pseudonym author name, Dr. Suess.
Beckman: Are you crying Dr. Remmy?
Dr. Remmy: (sniffling)...No! Shut Up!
Hardcore: Alright, the Nazis are retreating.
Marka: Fuckin’ German cowards.
Stace: The town is ours...now where is the local brothel?
Grandfather Voice Over: That is when I saw Annihilation lying on the ground, blood pouring from his leg.
Beckman: Annihilation, are you okay?
Annihilation: Just a scratch. I am fine.
Beckman: Doc! We need Doc!
Doc: I am right here!
Beckman: Not you, the smart Doc.
Doc: Oh, yeah, that ain’t me alright.
Oblivion: What happened with Annihilation?
(Back to the present day in the Beckman Mexican estate...
How did someone that big sneak up on us? This must be a good war story.
...ICE’s Grandfather leans back in his chair as he takes in the whole massive monster which is Oblivion.)
Grandfather: Now who the hell are you?
ICE: Another partner of mine, Grandfather met Oblivion.
Oblivion: He answered your question, now you answer mine.
Grandfather: It was going to take more than a single bullet to stop Annihilation, trust me.
(Back to the war...
If Logan hopped the fence, then Oblivion must have torn those old rusty gates off their hinges in order to get in.
...it is night now. The US soldiers are walking through a field of wild flowers, some of them smoking as the walk, others keeping a keen eye on the horizon for the enemy.)
Jump: I hope I Mr. Gun gets a chance tonight.
Mack: Who the blimey is Mr. Gun?
Stace: That’s what the whores call my dick.
Jump: This is Mr. Gun.
Mack: You point that at me again and I’ll have your arse.
Stace: I had a whore’s ass last night....(winks at Marka)...
Marka: Funny, I had a dream you were behind me and- wait, that no dream, Marka no find that good.
Cal: Haha, you raped a Russian.
Grandfather Voice Over: Mack was about to shoot Jump’s smile off his face and Marka was about to pound Stace into the ground like a spike. I was looking for Capitan Lerch when the first mortar hit! Before I knew it we were running through the field. Suddenly my fellow soldiers began to explode all around me in a puff of dark grey smoke!!
Peter Quilt: Quick over to me, I have cover!
Hardcore: That’s a fucking book!
Peter Quilt: But, it’s a BIG book and it has a cover....(Explodes!)
The Butt: MORTARSFFFFT!!!...(Explodes!)
Bio Twin #1: i want my teddy bear...(Explodes!)
Bio Twin #2: im no ones bitch...(Explodes!)
Logan: Sorry, but it’s pretty funny they died so close together.
(ICE’s grandfather look with a dead stare at Logan...
He might be my Grandfather, but if he tries to hurt Logan...well, I really want that Trios Cup.
...Logan smiles as ICE’s grandfather’s expression changes with a sigh.)
Grandfather: Hell, don’t worry, it was funny then, why shouldn’t it be now?
(With laughs all around we go back to our story from WW II...
Almost had to give my grandfather the Cock-tailed Crossface, that was close.
(...the army men are still running through the field looking for cover from the mortar blasts.)
Sweet R: Should we go back to help them? I loved those guys!
Cost: Yeah, they had my wine in their bags.
Sweet R: Nah, on second thought I guess I didn’t like them that much.
Capitan Lerch: You can go back if you want to; I’m getting the fuck out of here!
Beckman: Such a fearless leader we have.
Doc: I reckon’ we need to run faster!...(Explodes)
Marka: I try running fast, but Stace keeps grabbing my tookus! ...(Explodes)
Stace: (stops)...Ew, I am covered in blood, that’s kind of hot, right?...(Explodes)
Grandfather Voice Over: Finally we found cover in a grove of trees. We quickly turned and got down in order to return fire.
Annihilation: WHO THE FUCK IS RUNNING AT US!?!
Capitan Lerch: It’s the Nazi’s! RUN!!!
Grandfather Voice Over: The last I saw of the Capitan he was running away as fast as he could. And last I heard of him he joined the losing German side and escaped to Argentina after the war.
Hardcore: It’s not the Nazis, it’s fucking Cost!
Alps: Damn that Mate, he went back to get the wine!
Cost: Good news.
Whitey: Fuck me, I hate good news.
Day Carry: Evil, may I please ask I question?
Evil: Sure, I guess that would be okay.
Day Carry: Thank you Evil. Cost, is the good news that the twins or Butt is still alive?
Cost: Oh no, they are way dead, but I got my wine.
ICE: How did the wine not blow up when the twins did?
(Back to Mexico...
I might only me a scientist of mixology, but my days as a youth with firecrackers taught me, when things blow up they all blow up.
...ICE’s grandfather is ready with his answer.)
Grandfather: Those were French wine bottles, you know what that meant?
Logan: The wine bottles were good at waving a white flag?
Oblivion: No, they were good at surrendering and waiting for American help.
Grandfather: Hah, no, no, the French spend way too much time on their wine, probably should have spent more time on their Maginot Line, and maybe the Germans would have walked through their Belgium back door, hah!
(Back to the second world of war...
It might be the tequila twisting things, but its nice how well this story goes with WCF superstars, don’t you think?
...Now the company of United States soldiers is walking along a dirt road near the border of France and Germany.)
Grandfather Voice Over: Well lucky for us we had been given duty guarding a small bridge and hadn’t seen much action for a few months. Reprisal and Huggy had gone missing on patrol one night, but no one seem to notice them being gone. But now things were about to change as were on the move, finally entering Germany and best of all we had a new leader...
Annihilation: Alright you BITCHESSS MOVE IT, MOVE IT!
Sea: Please don’t yell, it upsets the voices in my head.
Ifer: I am the only voice you should be listening to.
Evil: Don’t boss him around, Ifer.
Day Carry: Yeah!
Evil: Shhh, Carry, I didn’t say you could speak.
Hardcore: All of you better keep marching, or Annihilation is bound to do to you what he did to Rash.
Rash: Hey, it was my choice to sleep in that pig sty.
Beckman: Was it also your choice not to bath the next day?
Gamble: Yeah, you smell worse than the dried vomit on Cost’s uniform.
Cost: I don’t have dried...(looks down at his uniform.)...Damn, I do have dried vomit on my uniform.
Annihilation: Stop the Chit Chat BITCHESS! We need to move, the fighting has already started!
Grandfather Voice Over: We quickly moved down the road and found ourselves in a series of fox holes outside a German town. Bullets were zipping over our heads as we prepared to return fire.
Evil: Oh, shucks, I dropped my gun’s clip.
Day Carry: I’ll get it for you.
Grandfather Voice Over: Suddenly Day’s face was Swiss cheese from bullets.
Evil: No....you bastards!!....I loved him.
Beckman: Evil, come back!
Evil: I will avenge my lover’s life!
Beckman: No, come-, wait, did he say lover?
Mack: Awe, I thought I heard those two doing something last night.
Dr. Remmy: It wasn’t me crying about Dilly, that’s for sure!
Ifer: It defiantly wasn’t me and Sea, he wouldn’t let-
Sea: Shhhh!!
Grandfather Voice Over: Back then the whole gay thing was way more shocking then being shot at, so we were all starting at them.
Ifer: ........I mean...I am the Angel of Death!
Grandfather Voice Over: That’s when we heard the bomb approaching....SSSSSSS PAC!!!!....He was the something of Death when the tank shell exploded in his fox hole killing him, Rash and Sea.
ICE: Not Chelsea!
(Back to the warm day in Mexico...
Did I just say that out loud?....wait I just got a text.
....ICE’s face goes red and he doesn’t say anything before pulling out his phone and walking away from poolside.)
Grandfather: What was that all about?
Logan: It’s called a text, like a magic piece of mail that is sent via space-
Grandfather: Quiet, I know what texting is, I meant why did he walk off with his phone.
Oblivion: Some girl in our wrestling federation.
Logan: I think he is just playing around with her, but I don’t think it will cost us our match.
Grandfather: Trust me, when it matters a Beckman will always be there, for glory, for honor, for his friends. And a good example of that...
(Back to the front lines of 1945 Germany with what remains of the US army company...
...(smiling at my phone)...
...the group of now harden men were enjoying a few drinks of good German brew in a freshly taken beer hall.)
Beckman: To our fallen friends!
Alps: To our mates!
Dr. Remmy: Yes, to Dilly!
Cost: To our drinks!
Cal: To the Queen!
Hardcore: To the-
Annihilation: NAZIS!!
Beckman: I don’t think that’s a good toast, Annihilation.
Annihilation: No. Nazis! Outside!
Grandfather Voice Over: I swear that guy had voices telling me when the enemy approached. Suddenly explosions began to rain down all around the beer hall. In a flash we were outside the hall and running for the front line.
Mack: Awe, were that Cost be?
Sweet R: He is finishing our drinks back at the hall.
Beckman: Not mine.
Hardcore: How can you shoot with that beer stein in your hand?
Alps: CAL! NO!!
Grandfather Voice Over: Things started to go South quick for us, Cal was shot, Alps took a tank shell in the gut and Mack lost one on one combat with a Nazi’s knife finding his throat. Chaos began to overtake us and the soundtrack was laughter.
Whitey: HAHAHAHA!
Dr. Remmy: Whitey is losing it!
Whitey: Oh, I am fine, I just thought those guys dying, was, well, never mind,...(giggles under his breath)...
Beckman: We need to stay together, keep moving forward!
Grandfather Voice Over: I should have seen it coming, I saw his red swollen eyes, but I was busy trying not to die.
Dr. Remmy: I can’t go on without DILLY!! DILLY I LOVE YOU!
Oblivion: Did he off himself?
(Back to the sun stained pool patio...
Is oblivion eating jerky, I don’t think I want to know what kind.
...Oblivion chews as Grandfather Beckman plays with his glass in order to get the ice to slide around.)
Grandfather: No, but Dr. Remmy ran into enemy fire like he wanted to. But you have to remember, we were all we had.....well that and booze...except for me, I had, well another thing... a friend.
ICE: Are you talking about Grandmother?
Grandfather: No, she wasn’t you Grandmother, but she was...a “friend”...
ICE: A “friend”, ah yes, I have one of those.
(Back to war, with the survivors of the battle...
It was nice to have friends, lots of friends...even secret friends...
...the US army men are now trapped behind the enemies’ line after advancing to far forward.)
Grandfather Voice Over: We were once so many, and now just me, Hardcore, Jump, Whitey, Cost, Sweet R, Gamble and Annihilation to lead us. We had found an abandon warehouse to spend the night in, but were all very uneasy with Nazis all around us.
Jump: Are you scared Mr. Gun?
Jump as Mr. Gun: Yes, please hold me.
Jump: Only if you hold me!
Cost: Shut up Jump.
Sweet R: You shut up, Cost, it’s not Jump’s fault you are going through alcohol with-drawls.
Whitey: You shut up Sweet R.
Sweet R: Fine, then we are not friends anymore!
Whitey: Good.
Sweet R: Dang it, I’m sorry, please be my friend again.
Gamble: Maybe if I did a scene from my single actor play entitled, “Think” we would all feel better. It’s just me posing for three straight hours, no dialogue at all.
Annihilation: Everyone shut up, wait did you say? No talking for three hours? Fine, Gamble, go ahead and do your play.
Grandfather Voice Over: However he only got half-way through his first scene called “My Quiet Childhood” before we heard German voices out on the street. We whispered back and forth as the voices grew closer.
Cost: Should we flag them down?
Hardcore: Why would we do something that stupid?
Cost: They might have a flask, or some rubbing alcohol, whatever it takes to forget the awful truth of my reality.
Sweet R: I bet they would be my friends.
Jump: Who needs friends when you have a talking gun and a singing canteen like I do.
Jump as the Singing Canteen: I am the singing canteen, I am all green, my friends are here and they are...um...
Whitey: Mean.
Annihilation: If you all don’t shut up I am going to eat your hearts.
Logan: He really said, “eat your hearts”?
(Back to the present...
Of course he did, that is something Obliv- I mean, Annihilation would say.
...The Beckman grandfather nods his head.)
Oblivion: Haven’t you ever removed a living heart from something?
Logan: No, but who knows what Catsy has done when I leave him home alone
Grandfather: Catsy?
ICE: He is...a long story; let’s just get back to the WW II story.
(The U.S. army men were beginning to get too loud...
I am not sure exactly how this will end, but I hope the Americans wins.
...the German soldiers outside the warehouse heard the raised voices and begin to pound on the wooden doors in order to get in.)
Gamble: They’re getting in, be like me an act like a box!
Cost: I will shove you in a box Gamble.
Beckman: I believe they call that method acting.
Gamble: Most my methods when acting include ducking the tomatoes from the crowd.
Grandfather Voice Over: As the Nazi’s burst into the room we found some cover behind some old crates. We were trapped, or at least we thought we were. Suddenly a fire exit door opened and standing there with freedom in hand was Huggy.
Hardcore: Huggy is back!
ICE: Who the fuck is Huggy?
(Back to Grandfather’s Beckman’s place...
Huggy? I don’t remember a Huggy being around.
...ICE and his partners wait for an answer from the veteran.)
Grandfather: You remember, the really nice guy.
Logan: Nice guy?
Grandfather: You know, he wouldn’t hurt a fly on the wall.
Oblivion: Yeah, who the fuck is huggy?
Grandfather: He would show up, then leave, then show up, then leave.
Psycho Beer Hot Dog Company: Ohhhhh yeah, him.
(Back to the war story...
I still didn’t remember him, but I also didn’t care.
...Huggy was standing to what we thought was our get-a-way door.)
Sweet R: Huggy! I never thought you would show up!
Cost: You’re not the only one.
Grandfather Voice Over: But before he could even say a word, a bullet got him in the back! We were trapped and had to fight our way out or else end up in a German prisoner of war camp.
Annihilation: I am no one’s BITCH! It’s time to FUCK THESE FUCKING BITHCES!!
Grandfather Voice Over: We fired back with all we had, but our casualties were coming on fast. Whitey took three bullets across his chest.
Whitey: I’ve never hated anything as much as dying.
Grandfather Voice Over: Then Sweet R went when a grenade went off at his feet.
Hardcore: Hmmm, you know I did like that guy.
Cost: Yeah, he wasn’t so bad. You ever tell him that he was cool?
Hardcore: Naw...oh well.
Grandfather Voice Over: Jump was the next to go, but he seemed happy in the end.
Jump: Hey, Mr. Bullet Wound, how’s it going?
Jump as Mr. Bullet Wound: I feel like a man of God.
Jump: How so, Mr. Bullet Wound.
Jump as Mr. Bullet Wound: I am so holy, get it?
Grandfather Voice Over: He was dead before we could tell him we did indeed get the joke. Next to go was Gamble, who went out with the best performance of his life.
Gamble: Thou know’st ‘tis common; all that lives must die, Passing through nature to eternity.
Grandfather Voice Over: We would have given him a round of applause but for the guns in our hands. Cost was next to go and he was as mad as Whitey in his last few moments.
Cost: This is my worst nightmare.
Beckman: Dying in war?
Cost: No, dying sober.
Grandfather Voice Over: So then it was just us three, surrounded by Nazi’s, with no way out. We looked one another in the eyes and said what we thought might be our last words.
Beckman: My feet itch.
Hardcore: I miss that.
Annihilation: I miss Betty Boop.
Beckman: No, No, it’s not going to end like this. We are going to fight through these Nazis-
Annihilation: Nazi Bitches!
Beckman: Exactly and I am not going to end up a prisoner. We are going to fight through this and be Courageous Unstoppable Powerful!! VICTORS!!!
Logan: Did you guys make it out of there?
(Back to Mexico in the modern times...
Courageous Unstoppable Powerful....or CUP for short...hmmm, I love my “coincidences”...
...ICE’s grandfather shakes his head at the empty tequila bottle in his hands.)
Grandfather: We did make it, all three of us. Hell, I even got myself a medal and those other two went into business with one another.
Logan: Doing what?
Grandfather: Hot Dogs. One found the mystery meat and the other convinced America to eat it.
Oblivion: Seems just about right.
Grandfather: Oh no, those hot dogs are anything but right, extremely profitable, but defiantly not right. In fact I remember us three on the boat ride back to America after the war was finally over.
(The three war bounded friends lined against the ships railing with the Atlantic ocean’s waves beating against the boat’s hull below...
Speaking of over, I thought this story was...
...they are passing a flask of army moonshine back and forth as they talk.)
Beckman: Well boys, I can honestly say I wouldn’t have wanted either two guys to make it out alive with.
Annihilation: Same here.
Hardcore: And here.
Beckman: Only one thing left to do...
Annihilation: Be ready for Europeans to forever love Americans?
Hardcore: Remember we still have to defeat Japan?
Beckman: No, it’s time to chant....USA, USA, USA!!
Grandfather Voice Over: And soon enough my friends were joining in and then the rest of the men on the deck, it was music to our ears....and that was the end.
Catsy: WHAT THE FUCK!?!
(Back to Mexico, with Catsy now standing on a nearby table...
Oh boy he doesn’t look happy; my Grandfather must be out of milk.
...Catsy began to point and yell.)
Catsy: A whole fucking story and no characters were based on ME!!
Logan: Well technically it was ICE’s imagination, blame him.
Catsy: There was even a guy based on a fucking on Ollie and he is just a talking butt!!
Grandfather: I am so confused.
Oblivion: Logan’s creations will have that affect.
ICE: Listen, Catsy, um-
Catsy: Don’t “um” me, I am the Psycho Hot Dog Beer Company Manager!
Logan: Wait, you are?
Oblivion: I don’t remember a vote!!!
ICE: Yeah, me either.
Catsy: Fine, I hate you all!!
(Catsy runs off!)
Logan: Catsy, come back here!
Oblivion: Just let him go.
Logan: I would, but last time I did he scratched the side of my car with the words “I just Fucked a Kitty”.
Oblivion: Fine, let’s go get him.
ICE: It’s about time we get going anyways.
(Oblivion and Logan head off, but ICE’s grandfather grabs his arm before he can follow.)
Grandfather: Before you go, I need to tell you, they are here.
ICE: Who?
Grandfather: Your brother, your parents...your family is here in Mexico.
ICE: Where?
Grandfather: I don’t know, but I know they want to talk with you.
ICE:...okay...
Grandfather: I wanted to tell you, because I want you to stay focused-
(ICE phones buzzes from a text message.)
ICE: Focus, got it.
Grandfather: Same for whomever she is...trust me, Natural, stay focused.
(ICE turn to find his friends...
Focus....focus...focus...
...he keeps repeating the word as he walks away, but that doesn’t stop him from checking his text.)
WCF in WW II