Post by Alex Richards on May 17, 2014 23:52:11 GMT -5
Narrator: Back in the good old days Alexander Richards used to be these narrations. Back when things were simple. But these days if Alex Richards were to do the narration you would have no idea what he's talking about. Welcome to my world. Today we are at an impound lot in Germany. You're probably seen several of these places in American over the years but this one looks particularly sleazy. I'll bet you would want to know why myself and Alex would be here. So listen you.. and consider yourself confused. That's my new catch phrase like it?
( Our scene does indeed fade in to Alex Richards and his cameraman/handler Shawn Zach. Alex seems very excited about something. )
Richards: It better not be closed. We made it in time right?
Zach: Just barely. I don't know why you're so excited to be at an impound lot.
Richards: I gotta get my van back.
Zach: The WCF would have paid for a rental car you know. I don't know why you insisted on having your van transported to Germany.
Richards: It's special man. You just don't understand. This place is closing soon we gotta get it out!
Narrator: Sure, he seems eager now. But the reason it's at an impound lot is because we weren't there to pick it up at the airport. Why weren't we there? Fortunately I happen to have footage of this.
( And the footage starts with Shawn Zach looking around worried though a densely forested area. Finally he breezes a sigh of relief as he notices Alex Richards slumbering underneath a large Spruce tree. He walks over and picks up a discarded branch and pokes at Alex hoping to wake him. Alex rolls over and looks up)
Richards: Man, I was having the strangest dream.
Zach: Let me guess you dreamed you lost your mind and you were the hardcore champion?
( Alex looks concerned. )
Richards: You alright man? I am the hardcore champion. Maybe you're losing your mind? I mean just last week I received word the great nation of Poon Guinea has recognized my reign.
Zach: And the rest of the world?
Richards: Clearly not as enlightened as Poon Guinea.
( Shawn just shakes his head. )
Richards: But to answer your question I was dreaming about eating a giant fluffy white cloud.
Zach: That doesn't make any sense... OH MY GOD!
( Shawn jumps as he notices the bloody, half eaten white rabbit behind Alex. )
Richards: That explains why I'm not hungry.
Zach: Where did that come from? Why did you sleep eat a rabbit?
Richards: Cause I'm awesome.
Zach: How is that awesome?
Richards: It does send a message to my opponent this week Apocalypse.
Zach: I shouldn't encourage this but how is that?
Richards: He spent all week spouting poetry trying to scare me. I spent the night in the black forest and ate something alive and raw. What's scarier to you?
Zach: Um.. I can't believe it. That actually makes sense. I also can't believe you remembered who you were facing this week.
Richards: I couldn't forget. I'm facing Apocalypse and I hate the guy already. Not because of the bad quotes, those only annoy me. No, I hate him because of what he stands for. The Apocalypse. You know when the apocalypse comes that's the end of the world right? No humans... no hardcore title, no sour cream and onion chips, no anything. Except for one thing.. cockroaches. You know they are the only thing that's supposed to survive the apocalypse.
Zach: I have heard that.
Richards: Well I fucking hate cockroaches! They are supposedly so indestructible but they flee from light. That don't make no sense! Roaches are awful! I don't want to live in a world overrun by roaches! I'll bet no one else does either. I mean they would probably get in Doctor Reamus Anus's underwear and make him even more uptight. And they would..
Zach: I don't think that's right. The apocalypse would kill all humans right?
Richards: We agree to disagree Zach. But one things for sure.. roaches suck. And so I must stop this cockroach invasion. How am I going to do this you ask. By ending the apocalypse prematurely. Unlike them religious slackers I don't require four horsemen. No, I'll end the apocalypse using only a bottle of coke, some menthos, and a tack hammer.
Zach: How is that going to work?
Richards: Poor Zach, so innocent. If I have to explain it to you... well you should consider yourself lucky I'm going to be the one to take down the apocalypse and not you.
Zach: Apocalypse is a wrestler.. not the actual apoca..
Richards: That reminds me of that other dream I had there was this guy had for some reason had Bob Seget and angels and.. to be honest I'm confused. Can you tell me how some guy who's supposed to be friends with Oblivion also has angels wanting him to destroy people. Man, I have the craziest dreams.
Zach: That wasn't a dream. You must have dozed off in front of a television while Apocalypse was on.
Richards: Well in that case the nerve of him, claiming I'm crazy. At least I don't claim to be on a mission from God Blue brothers style.
Zach: you seem to remember a lot of it for someone who was sleeping.
Richards: To be honest I just wanted to sleep. I hate that preachy you're going to hell kind of stuff. Guess what I've done enough bad things to know I'm going there. You don't have to remind me. Guess I'll have to do one more bad thing and expose this Apocalypse joker as just another jester. He tried to threaten me but you know as far as I can tell a man who had one professional wrestling match while looking for his old friend Oblivion doesn't have the right to expect a victory over me. Sure, I haven't always won but at least I know how to compete. When you get in trouble do you know how to rebound. Cause I do.. if it's in a match I assault them twice as hard but in a relationship fuck a fat chick.
Zach: Damnit, I was hoping the fog was clearing for a moment... Maybe Apocalypse was right and you shouldn't be competing with a brain injury.
Richards: What brain injury? All I remember is winning the hardcore title, almost winning a king of trios match by myself, and then beating the holy hell out of the most qualified doctor I've ever met. What has Apocalypse done since talking to angels? I thought so.
Zach: But still..
Richards: So Zach, are we going to get my van?
Zach: I've been looking for you all morning. I thought I was going to met you at your hotel but apparently you refused your room. It's been impounded.
Richards: Shit, well I gotta have that van.
( Shawn thinks about all the reasons they shouldn't get the van. Then he thinks about how Alex probably won't understand anyways and sighs. )
Zach: Alright let's go.
( Which brings us back to the beginning. The door of the impound lot's office swings open and in bursts all 135 pounds of Shawn Zach, and the massive Alex Richards who is wearing a grass and mud stained white shirt and black jeans and wearing around his waist a giant rusty bed spring he considers the hardcore championship. Most of his prison tattoos are viable. Noticing the camera Shawn is carrying and perhaps most of the people in line were wrestling fans they all let Alex pass them by. He smiles and slaps the fan's hands as if he were at a wrestling show before getting to the front counter where a large and very scary looking woman is standing behind the counter. Think Mimi Bobeck from the Drew Carey show only about 100 pounds heavier and with frizzy red hair. If you're not old enough to remember that show google it. I'll wait.... Scary no? Alex pays no mind though he walks up carrying his usual doctor's bag)
Richards: Happy New Mother's Day!
( The lady looks furious as expected. )
Lady: MOTHER'S DAY WAS LAST WEEK!!!! AND I'M NOT PREGNANT!
Richards: That's what you think. I replaced your birth control pills with skittles. Taste the rainbow hear the crying!
( Shawn Zach knowing things are going badly decides to step in. )
Zach: Sorry ma'am. I'm the handler of Mr. Richards. He is not well. And he was not serious.
Richards: Of course I wasn't serious! I mean... look at you. You are clearly the wife of my opponent in the WCF this week! There is no way you are not Apocalypse's main squeeze! I wouldn't do that to the world! I wouldn't unleash yours and his unholy seed on the world!
Lady: I AM NOT! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!
Richards: So you're his sister? EWWW wait, you're both aren't you? No wonder he's so screwed up! That makes perfect sense!
Zach: I don't think that's the case.
Richards: Oh but I know it is. And I can prove it!
( Alex decides to make a bad situation worse by reaching into his doctor's bag avoiding the drugged gray alley cat and pulling out.... an Abyss style mask almost identical to the one worn by Apocalypse! He reaches over the counter and places the mask over the face of the worker before she can even react. )
Richards: See! It is proven! You two could be twins as well as lovers. That disgusts even me! And before I came here I had a half a raw rabbit and turnip sandwich!
Lady: You're disgusting!
Richards: What? I didn't want to waste the other half of the rabbit...
Lady: THAT'S NOT IT! YOU'RE BANNED FROM HERE FOREVER! I'M CALLING THE POLICE! YOU WON'T WRESTLE YOUR MATCH YOU WON'T STAY IN GERMANY!
Zach: Um.. I think we better go.
Richards: You can keep the mask.
( Shawn and Alex quickly leave, as the crowd behind them laughs and cheers obviously having gotten their moneys worth in entertainment value. The two run about a block until it looks like Shawn is out of breathe. Alex shakes his head as Shawn sits down on a stool outside a cafe. )
Richards: What are you worried about?
Zach: You're about to be arrested and deported!
Richards: Nah, I got a plan.
( Alex reaches into his doctor's bag again. And pulls out... a Killer Bees Mask. He pulls on the bumblebee looking mask. )
Richards: There.. perfect.
Zach: That's the best you can do.
Richards: I have another one..
( Alex takes off the Killer Bee's mask, then pulls out a dildo and a hello Kitty mask. He puts the Hello Kitty mask on. )
Zach: That's just wrong. And what are you doing with the dildo?
Richards: Simple. This is my disguise when I pull off my big robbery. I'm going to knock off a 7-11.
Zach: That's a horrible idea.
Richards: You're right. There are no 7-11s in Germany.
( Alex goes back to his first mask choice. )
Zach: What are you thinking?
Richards: Right now I think I'm proving I'm not the only one who can rip off a mask. Before I was thinking I could get 7-11 some sweet publicity. But overall I'm thinking Apocalypse might be scared of me.
( Shawn is rendered speechless and dumbfounded. )
Richards: Think about it. Apocalypse is so frightened of me he had to get his wife/sister to try and get me thrown out of the country so he didn't have to face me. How scared of me does he have to be to sink that low? Well not only did it not work now I'm even angrier! Before I freak out I have one question Zach, wanna get my van now?
Zach: We were just banned from the impound lot! How are you going to do that?
Richards: Easy, I stole the keys while I gifted her that mask. Didn't even have to pay the fee pretty sweet eh?
Zach: How did you?
Richards: I'll let you in on a little secret Zach, I'm not as crazy as people think. Yabba Dubba Ding Dong!
( The scene then jumps forwards slightly where we see Alex standing in front of a chain link fence. He starts to climb it getting to the top where he grabs onto barbed wire. Alex grimaces then launches himself over the fence. A few seconds later Alex's black Econoline van crashes through the fence, stopping a sec to pick up Shawn then speeding off. )
Zach: So you added grand theft auto for a vehicle worth a 100 bucks?
Richards: First off this van is priceless. Second it's not about the van and what's in it. Look..
( Alex gestures to the back and Shawn shakes his head seeing the back of the van is loaded with about 20 cases of Zima. )
Zach: Where...did...you...get....that?
Richards: The makers of Zima sent me a lifetime supply. They said I was the first person to ever say about nice about it they didn't pay. Want one?
Zach: So now we're drinking and driving too?
Richards: That's stupid. Do you think I'm insane? I don't do that. I drive.. you drink.
( Shawn reaches back and grabs a Zima.. he drinks it carefully.. )
Zach: Not bad for something I didn't have to pay off.
Richards: Brilliant. That can be their new slogan! In fact..
( Alex reaches into his doctor's bag and pulls out a magic marker which he uses to write not bad for something i didn't pay for on one of the cases. )
Zach: Umm.. you really should watch the road.
Richards: Fine I'll pull over. I want a Zima anyways.
( Alex and Shawn both get out of the corner, Alex reaching back into the van for a Zima before he exits holding his doctor's bag, and the Zima. )
Richards: You normally do my interviews so ask some questions I'm getting bored.
Zach: Does it still count as product placement when the product is defunct.
Richards: I don't understand what you're asking.
Zach: Okay here's a serious question. Do you find anything odd about Apocalypse's debut match?
Richards: Yeah.. He claimed to hail from my darkest fears yet he looked nothing like Roseanne Barr in a speedo.
Zach: Thanks for that mental image. But I meant something else. A few months ago his opponent Cryboy McEmo was used as a final test for Mark Dillinger. If you remember his long hair was cut, he has tanned and wore wrestling gear. But yet last week he was back to his emo look. I think Apocalypse might not be as tough as he claims. And instead of fighting a veteran preliminary wrestler he picked a random joe off the street and made him LOOK like Cryboy McEmo in order to seem more impressive.
Richards: So that wasn't the real Cryboy McEmo?
Zach: I think not.
Richards: I knew it! Now I have a whole new reason to want to destroy Apocalypse.
Zach: To show him faking his way through life will get him nowhere?
Richards: No! I want to know his secret. Clearly he cloned Cryboy McEmo! And he's not sharing his secret! I want to know how to do that! Before I was simply going to beat him to a pulp. Now I have a purpose. I'm going to beat him until he reveals the secrets of cloning!
Zach: Let's assume you're right. Why do you want to know how to clone?
Richards: Simple. I want to clone myself and get a dozen midget versions of myself. I'd then make them fight a battle royal to the death where the winner gets to be my official mascot.
Zach: You frighten me sometimes.
Richards: Or I'd just let them run amok at the next edition of Slam annoying Seth. Either way it'll be a riot. And Apocalypse is denying me this. I'll remember that. Every time he denies knowing how to clone... will just make me want to annihilate him that much more.
( Shawn looks like he wants to say something then shrugs. )
Zach: At least you're motivated.
Richards: Damn right I am! I even took notes from his twitter in order to further inspire me.
( Alex goes back into his doctor's bag and this time pulls out a tattered looking piece of paper. He reads it over then speaks. )
Richards: First off, proved you all wrong! I can read! It only took me seconds to be offended by Apocalypse's twitter feed! He right off the bat said he was a fictional character! What's wrong with you man. You want to be some type of a monster but you aren't even real? I'm not Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny or Gandhi, I'm a real life monster man! You're going to have to try harder to scare me then to Freddy Kruger me! Oh but then he went and really impressed me. By calling me fat. Why do people keep calling me fat anyways? You could call me bald, you could call me ugly, you could say my tattoos look stupid. But the one thing I'm not is fat. Dude, I've been wrestling for months haven;'t you seen me yet. Don't worry you'll get to see me up close and personal this week. Let me conclude with one of your own lines. Bam! Bam bam bam Bam It's over 15 minutes of Apocalypse. That sums up our match. Inn 15 minutes you probably will get in about 5 good shots. But I've taken worse than I'm still standing. That's an apocalypse? I guess the name Light Showers was already taken. But one things for sure... when this match is over and I have postponed the Apocalypse indefinitely you'll be laying on the mat, I'll be standing over you uttering those immortal words... YOLO ADRIAN I GOT IT! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
Zach: Are those sirens? We should go.
Richards: Don't worry I'm wearing a mask.
Zach: They might be after your Zima.
Richards: You're right let's roll.
( the pair get into Alex's van and it pulls away ending the scene. )
( Our scene does indeed fade in to Alex Richards and his cameraman/handler Shawn Zach. Alex seems very excited about something. )
Richards: It better not be closed. We made it in time right?
Zach: Just barely. I don't know why you're so excited to be at an impound lot.
Richards: I gotta get my van back.
Zach: The WCF would have paid for a rental car you know. I don't know why you insisted on having your van transported to Germany.
Richards: It's special man. You just don't understand. This place is closing soon we gotta get it out!
Narrator: Sure, he seems eager now. But the reason it's at an impound lot is because we weren't there to pick it up at the airport. Why weren't we there? Fortunately I happen to have footage of this.
( And the footage starts with Shawn Zach looking around worried though a densely forested area. Finally he breezes a sigh of relief as he notices Alex Richards slumbering underneath a large Spruce tree. He walks over and picks up a discarded branch and pokes at Alex hoping to wake him. Alex rolls over and looks up)
Richards: Man, I was having the strangest dream.
Zach: Let me guess you dreamed you lost your mind and you were the hardcore champion?
( Alex looks concerned. )
Richards: You alright man? I am the hardcore champion. Maybe you're losing your mind? I mean just last week I received word the great nation of Poon Guinea has recognized my reign.
Zach: And the rest of the world?
Richards: Clearly not as enlightened as Poon Guinea.
( Shawn just shakes his head. )
Richards: But to answer your question I was dreaming about eating a giant fluffy white cloud.
Zach: That doesn't make any sense... OH MY GOD!
( Shawn jumps as he notices the bloody, half eaten white rabbit behind Alex. )
Richards: That explains why I'm not hungry.
Zach: Where did that come from? Why did you sleep eat a rabbit?
Richards: Cause I'm awesome.
Zach: How is that awesome?
Richards: It does send a message to my opponent this week Apocalypse.
Zach: I shouldn't encourage this but how is that?
Richards: He spent all week spouting poetry trying to scare me. I spent the night in the black forest and ate something alive and raw. What's scarier to you?
Zach: Um.. I can't believe it. That actually makes sense. I also can't believe you remembered who you were facing this week.
Richards: I couldn't forget. I'm facing Apocalypse and I hate the guy already. Not because of the bad quotes, those only annoy me. No, I hate him because of what he stands for. The Apocalypse. You know when the apocalypse comes that's the end of the world right? No humans... no hardcore title, no sour cream and onion chips, no anything. Except for one thing.. cockroaches. You know they are the only thing that's supposed to survive the apocalypse.
Zach: I have heard that.
Richards: Well I fucking hate cockroaches! They are supposedly so indestructible but they flee from light. That don't make no sense! Roaches are awful! I don't want to live in a world overrun by roaches! I'll bet no one else does either. I mean they would probably get in Doctor Reamus Anus's underwear and make him even more uptight. And they would..
Zach: I don't think that's right. The apocalypse would kill all humans right?
Richards: We agree to disagree Zach. But one things for sure.. roaches suck. And so I must stop this cockroach invasion. How am I going to do this you ask. By ending the apocalypse prematurely. Unlike them religious slackers I don't require four horsemen. No, I'll end the apocalypse using only a bottle of coke, some menthos, and a tack hammer.
Zach: How is that going to work?
Richards: Poor Zach, so innocent. If I have to explain it to you... well you should consider yourself lucky I'm going to be the one to take down the apocalypse and not you.
Zach: Apocalypse is a wrestler.. not the actual apoca..
Richards: That reminds me of that other dream I had there was this guy had for some reason had Bob Seget and angels and.. to be honest I'm confused. Can you tell me how some guy who's supposed to be friends with Oblivion also has angels wanting him to destroy people. Man, I have the craziest dreams.
Zach: That wasn't a dream. You must have dozed off in front of a television while Apocalypse was on.
Richards: Well in that case the nerve of him, claiming I'm crazy. At least I don't claim to be on a mission from God Blue brothers style.
Zach: you seem to remember a lot of it for someone who was sleeping.
Richards: To be honest I just wanted to sleep. I hate that preachy you're going to hell kind of stuff. Guess what I've done enough bad things to know I'm going there. You don't have to remind me. Guess I'll have to do one more bad thing and expose this Apocalypse joker as just another jester. He tried to threaten me but you know as far as I can tell a man who had one professional wrestling match while looking for his old friend Oblivion doesn't have the right to expect a victory over me. Sure, I haven't always won but at least I know how to compete. When you get in trouble do you know how to rebound. Cause I do.. if it's in a match I assault them twice as hard but in a relationship fuck a fat chick.
Zach: Damnit, I was hoping the fog was clearing for a moment... Maybe Apocalypse was right and you shouldn't be competing with a brain injury.
Richards: What brain injury? All I remember is winning the hardcore title, almost winning a king of trios match by myself, and then beating the holy hell out of the most qualified doctor I've ever met. What has Apocalypse done since talking to angels? I thought so.
Zach: But still..
Richards: So Zach, are we going to get my van?
Zach: I've been looking for you all morning. I thought I was going to met you at your hotel but apparently you refused your room. It's been impounded.
Richards: Shit, well I gotta have that van.
( Shawn thinks about all the reasons they shouldn't get the van. Then he thinks about how Alex probably won't understand anyways and sighs. )
Zach: Alright let's go.
( Which brings us back to the beginning. The door of the impound lot's office swings open and in bursts all 135 pounds of Shawn Zach, and the massive Alex Richards who is wearing a grass and mud stained white shirt and black jeans and wearing around his waist a giant rusty bed spring he considers the hardcore championship. Most of his prison tattoos are viable. Noticing the camera Shawn is carrying and perhaps most of the people in line were wrestling fans they all let Alex pass them by. He smiles and slaps the fan's hands as if he were at a wrestling show before getting to the front counter where a large and very scary looking woman is standing behind the counter. Think Mimi Bobeck from the Drew Carey show only about 100 pounds heavier and with frizzy red hair. If you're not old enough to remember that show google it. I'll wait.... Scary no? Alex pays no mind though he walks up carrying his usual doctor's bag)
Richards: Happy New Mother's Day!
( The lady looks furious as expected. )
Lady: MOTHER'S DAY WAS LAST WEEK!!!! AND I'M NOT PREGNANT!
Richards: That's what you think. I replaced your birth control pills with skittles. Taste the rainbow hear the crying!
( Shawn Zach knowing things are going badly decides to step in. )
Zach: Sorry ma'am. I'm the handler of Mr. Richards. He is not well. And he was not serious.
Richards: Of course I wasn't serious! I mean... look at you. You are clearly the wife of my opponent in the WCF this week! There is no way you are not Apocalypse's main squeeze! I wouldn't do that to the world! I wouldn't unleash yours and his unholy seed on the world!
Lady: I AM NOT! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!
Richards: So you're his sister? EWWW wait, you're both aren't you? No wonder he's so screwed up! That makes perfect sense!
Zach: I don't think that's the case.
Richards: Oh but I know it is. And I can prove it!
( Alex decides to make a bad situation worse by reaching into his doctor's bag avoiding the drugged gray alley cat and pulling out.... an Abyss style mask almost identical to the one worn by Apocalypse! He reaches over the counter and places the mask over the face of the worker before she can even react. )
Richards: See! It is proven! You two could be twins as well as lovers. That disgusts even me! And before I came here I had a half a raw rabbit and turnip sandwich!
Lady: You're disgusting!
Richards: What? I didn't want to waste the other half of the rabbit...
Lady: THAT'S NOT IT! YOU'RE BANNED FROM HERE FOREVER! I'M CALLING THE POLICE! YOU WON'T WRESTLE YOUR MATCH YOU WON'T STAY IN GERMANY!
Zach: Um.. I think we better go.
Richards: You can keep the mask.
( Shawn and Alex quickly leave, as the crowd behind them laughs and cheers obviously having gotten their moneys worth in entertainment value. The two run about a block until it looks like Shawn is out of breathe. Alex shakes his head as Shawn sits down on a stool outside a cafe. )
Richards: What are you worried about?
Zach: You're about to be arrested and deported!
Richards: Nah, I got a plan.
( Alex reaches into his doctor's bag again. And pulls out... a Killer Bees Mask. He pulls on the bumblebee looking mask. )
Richards: There.. perfect.
Zach: That's the best you can do.
Richards: I have another one..
( Alex takes off the Killer Bee's mask, then pulls out a dildo and a hello Kitty mask. He puts the Hello Kitty mask on. )
Zach: That's just wrong. And what are you doing with the dildo?
Richards: Simple. This is my disguise when I pull off my big robbery. I'm going to knock off a 7-11.
Zach: That's a horrible idea.
Richards: You're right. There are no 7-11s in Germany.
( Alex goes back to his first mask choice. )
Zach: What are you thinking?
Richards: Right now I think I'm proving I'm not the only one who can rip off a mask. Before I was thinking I could get 7-11 some sweet publicity. But overall I'm thinking Apocalypse might be scared of me.
( Shawn is rendered speechless and dumbfounded. )
Richards: Think about it. Apocalypse is so frightened of me he had to get his wife/sister to try and get me thrown out of the country so he didn't have to face me. How scared of me does he have to be to sink that low? Well not only did it not work now I'm even angrier! Before I freak out I have one question Zach, wanna get my van now?
Zach: We were just banned from the impound lot! How are you going to do that?
Richards: Easy, I stole the keys while I gifted her that mask. Didn't even have to pay the fee pretty sweet eh?
Zach: How did you?
Richards: I'll let you in on a little secret Zach, I'm not as crazy as people think. Yabba Dubba Ding Dong!
( The scene then jumps forwards slightly where we see Alex standing in front of a chain link fence. He starts to climb it getting to the top where he grabs onto barbed wire. Alex grimaces then launches himself over the fence. A few seconds later Alex's black Econoline van crashes through the fence, stopping a sec to pick up Shawn then speeding off. )
Zach: So you added grand theft auto for a vehicle worth a 100 bucks?
Richards: First off this van is priceless. Second it's not about the van and what's in it. Look..
( Alex gestures to the back and Shawn shakes his head seeing the back of the van is loaded with about 20 cases of Zima. )
Zach: Where...did...you...get....that?
Richards: The makers of Zima sent me a lifetime supply. They said I was the first person to ever say about nice about it they didn't pay. Want one?
Zach: So now we're drinking and driving too?
Richards: That's stupid. Do you think I'm insane? I don't do that. I drive.. you drink.
( Shawn reaches back and grabs a Zima.. he drinks it carefully.. )
Zach: Not bad for something I didn't have to pay off.
Richards: Brilliant. That can be their new slogan! In fact..
( Alex reaches into his doctor's bag and pulls out a magic marker which he uses to write not bad for something i didn't pay for on one of the cases. )
Zach: Umm.. you really should watch the road.
Richards: Fine I'll pull over. I want a Zima anyways.
( Alex and Shawn both get out of the corner, Alex reaching back into the van for a Zima before he exits holding his doctor's bag, and the Zima. )
Richards: You normally do my interviews so ask some questions I'm getting bored.
Zach: Does it still count as product placement when the product is defunct.
Richards: I don't understand what you're asking.
Zach: Okay here's a serious question. Do you find anything odd about Apocalypse's debut match?
Richards: Yeah.. He claimed to hail from my darkest fears yet he looked nothing like Roseanne Barr in a speedo.
Zach: Thanks for that mental image. But I meant something else. A few months ago his opponent Cryboy McEmo was used as a final test for Mark Dillinger. If you remember his long hair was cut, he has tanned and wore wrestling gear. But yet last week he was back to his emo look. I think Apocalypse might not be as tough as he claims. And instead of fighting a veteran preliminary wrestler he picked a random joe off the street and made him LOOK like Cryboy McEmo in order to seem more impressive.
Richards: So that wasn't the real Cryboy McEmo?
Zach: I think not.
Richards: I knew it! Now I have a whole new reason to want to destroy Apocalypse.
Zach: To show him faking his way through life will get him nowhere?
Richards: No! I want to know his secret. Clearly he cloned Cryboy McEmo! And he's not sharing his secret! I want to know how to do that! Before I was simply going to beat him to a pulp. Now I have a purpose. I'm going to beat him until he reveals the secrets of cloning!
Zach: Let's assume you're right. Why do you want to know how to clone?
Richards: Simple. I want to clone myself and get a dozen midget versions of myself. I'd then make them fight a battle royal to the death where the winner gets to be my official mascot.
Zach: You frighten me sometimes.
Richards: Or I'd just let them run amok at the next edition of Slam annoying Seth. Either way it'll be a riot. And Apocalypse is denying me this. I'll remember that. Every time he denies knowing how to clone... will just make me want to annihilate him that much more.
( Shawn looks like he wants to say something then shrugs. )
Zach: At least you're motivated.
Richards: Damn right I am! I even took notes from his twitter in order to further inspire me.
( Alex goes back into his doctor's bag and this time pulls out a tattered looking piece of paper. He reads it over then speaks. )
Richards: First off, proved you all wrong! I can read! It only took me seconds to be offended by Apocalypse's twitter feed! He right off the bat said he was a fictional character! What's wrong with you man. You want to be some type of a monster but you aren't even real? I'm not Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny or Gandhi, I'm a real life monster man! You're going to have to try harder to scare me then to Freddy Kruger me! Oh but then he went and really impressed me. By calling me fat. Why do people keep calling me fat anyways? You could call me bald, you could call me ugly, you could say my tattoos look stupid. But the one thing I'm not is fat. Dude, I've been wrestling for months haven;'t you seen me yet. Don't worry you'll get to see me up close and personal this week. Let me conclude with one of your own lines. Bam! Bam bam bam Bam It's over 15 minutes of Apocalypse. That sums up our match. Inn 15 minutes you probably will get in about 5 good shots. But I've taken worse than I'm still standing. That's an apocalypse? I guess the name Light Showers was already taken. But one things for sure... when this match is over and I have postponed the Apocalypse indefinitely you'll be laying on the mat, I'll be standing over you uttering those immortal words... YOLO ADRIAN I GOT IT! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
Zach: Are those sirens? We should go.
Richards: Don't worry I'm wearing a mask.
Zach: They might be after your Zima.
Richards: You're right let's roll.
( the pair get into Alex's van and it pulls away ending the scene. )
