Post by Jonny Fly on Oct 26, 2013 18:03:18 GMT -5
Jonny Fly and Steve Orbit are…somewhere. It appears to be an empty hallway. Fly is holding a piece of paper and trying to give it to Orbit.
Fly: Take it!
Orbit: Nah Fly, I ain’t doin’ this.
Fly: Why the hell not?
Orbit: This ain’t my style. I’m out.
Fly goes into full frowny-face mode. He takes a deep sigh and puts his hands over his eyes. He thinks about what to do next, and comes up with a plan.
Fly: Alright, what do you want?
Orbit: What do you mean?
Fly: Is this not how it works between us? I want something from you, I’m sure there’s something you want from me. Tell me what it is and then we’ll make a bet.
Orbit chuckles and nods his head.
Orbit: Aight, Fly. You want to lose something else, I’ll oblige that. Let’s make it cash this time. Hundred g’s sounds about right.
Fly: Chump change, for me. No sweat. If I win, you go on the show and say every single line I’ve written on that paper.
Orbit: Alright, what’s the bet?
Fly: Well, we’re on in five minutes so we got to make it fast. How about a race?
Orbit: A race? I dunno if you noticed or not, we be inside.
Fly: The race is down to the end of the hallway and back.
Orbit looks down the hallway.
Orbit: Shit son, I’m in the best shape of my life. I’ll take that bet and your money. Strap up, homie.
Fly begins taking off his dress shoes and suit jacket and sets them on the floor. Orbit follows suit taking off his gold necklaces, gator boots and bright purple suit jacket. He throws them on top of Fly’s clothes.
Orbit: Clothes mark the finish.
Fly: Let’s shake on it.
Fly and Orbit shake hands to seal the bet. Each turn in the direction that they will be running.
Fly: End of the hall, touch the wall, and back. As far as rules go, rule number one, no touching of the hair or face…AND THAT’S IT!
Orbit laughs.
Orbit: Just watched Anchorman I take it? Good flick.
Fly: You know it. I can’t wait for the second one.
Orbit: Alright, we doin’ this?
Fly: On three. Your count.
Orbit: 1…
Orbit: 2…
Fly and Orbit get into a set position with their hands on the ground and leaning forward just behind their makeshift designer clothes start and finish line.
Orbit: 3!!!
Orbit and Fly explode off ‘the block’ and spring full speed toward the end of the hallway. The length is only about 25 yards and the two world-class athletes cover it in no time. Orbit goes into his turn just a few feet from the wall and hits it with his hand as he body spins back toward the finish line. Less graceful, Fly essentially shoulder blocks the wall and bounces off it. He’s just a hand’s length behind Orbit as they barrel back toward the finish line. Suddenly, Fly yells out in a feminine Logan-imitated voice…
Fly: OH, MACKIE!
That simple word brings back the terrifying memory of “Sarah Twilight.”
Orbit: AH!
Orbit slows, just momentarily to look around, but it’s too late as Fly races past him and crosses the finish line first.
Orbit: Fuck! That’s a bitch move, Fly.
Fly: So was Kate Winslet.
Orbit: Touché.
Fly wipes a bead of sweat from his forehead and grabs his shoes and suit jacket. He walks up to Orbit and hands him the piece of paper.
Fly: Every line, Orbit. Not one of them goes to waste.
Orbit snatches the paper, not happy about whatever is being referenced, and walks away. The scene quickly cuts out.
“IT’S TIME TO PLAY FRANK FEUD!”
Canned applause is heard as the scene jumps to a close up image of Jonny Fly on stage. Fly is holding a group of cue cards and wearing the suit we saw in the previous scene. He smiles, and speaks into the camera.
Fly: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Frank Feud! This is a one-time only game show approved by WCF owner Sarah Twilight to be aired on WCF television to help publicize the World Title match at Helloween. Our show will follow the rules and guidelines of the its namesake Family Feud, with the exception that all survey questions will be somehow related to popularish WCF superstar and future flyjobber Frank Patrick Venable. Oh, and lastly, all of the survey question responses have been filed by me, my friends, and other wrestlers who don’t like Frank.
Fly smiles mischievously.
Fly: With that said, let’s meet the families! First up – THE RANDOM FAMILY!
A stage light illuminates the ‘Random’ family who are excitedly clapping.
Fly: Their opponents will be…THE WCF FAMILY!
A light across the stage turns on and reveals four very familiar faces. Gravedigger is standing to the far left, at the ‘head’ of the row. Next to him is Logan. Next to Logan is Roy Speede. Lastly, next to Roy Speede is a slightly irritated looking Steve Orbit. Canned applause is hit and the scene goes back to a close up of Fly who is standing in the center of the stage between the two families.
Fly: Side note, due to the fact that I literally couldn’t stand being in the room with five other wrestlers, each family will only have four contestants instead of the traditional five. Plus, that way we don’t get sued by the real Family Feud assholes for stealing their shtick.
With that message out of the way, Fly walks over to the Random Family and goes down the row shaking their hands. This ‘family’ is named random because it basically consists of two men and two women who are huge FPV fans who were pulled off the street and asked if they wanted to be on a game show. The men’s names are Randy and Scott, two generic whogivesafucknames. The two women are named Vanessa and Alexis, two sexy female names. Let’s go ahead and ignore the introductions that take place here. These people are just filler. After introducing himself to each member of the family and chatting with them briefly, Fly moves over to the other side of the stage where the WCF family is located.
Fly: Alright, now for the WCF family! Our first contestant is a WCF Hall of Famer and a three-time World Champion….please welcome Gravedigger!
Canned applause. Fly and Digger shake hands.
Gravedigger: Hello, Jonny.
Fly: ‘Digs, what’s good?
Gravedigger: Well, I’m on a game show about FPV. It could be worse though, I am being paid handsomely for it and who doesn’t like money?
From next to Gravedigger, a certain someone takes offense to that.
Logan: HEY, WHOA! He’s being paid?
Speede: Boudles! Where is our money!?
Gravedigger: In my bank account. You two idiots want to fight for it?
In true dysfunctional form, the WCF family already seems to be falling apart as Gravedigger, Logan, and Speede begin fighting back in forth over compensation. Fly thinks quickly and comes up with a solution.
Fly: Hold up! Let’s compromise on this. Logan, Speede…we’ll go to the Hot Dog King after the show and I’ll treat you both to all you can eat hot dogs. Deal?
Logan and Speede stare at Fly coyly. Slowly, Logan reaches into his pocket. With his eyes still fixed on Fly, he brings out his Sponge Bob Square Pants walkie talkie out and discretely(ish) holds it to his mouth.
Logan: Roy. Come in.
Speede fake coughs and reaches quickly into his pocket for his own walkie talkie. He half turns away from Fly to answer.
Speede: I’m here Logan.
Logan: What’s your position?
Speede: I’m currently looking at Steve Orbit. He looks angry…and purpley. Do you think he can hear me?
Logan: Don’t be absurd. Nobody can hear us. We’re on walkie talkies. Now, should we take this boudle up on his offer or not?
Speede: Play hard ball. Ask him for a side order of boobs and to verify the existence of this ‘Hot Dog King.’
Logan: Good plan Roy! I’m so proud of you. Logan out.
Speede: Speede out.
Logan and Speede put their walkie talkies back in their pockets and look back toward Fly innocently. Gravedigger breaks the silence.
Gravedigger: You two know we heard all of that, right?
Logan looks incredulously at Gravedigger.
Logan: Heard what?
Speede: I think he actually might be going senile, Logan.
Logan: Yeah! So Fly, do you remember that time you offered Speede and I the opportunity to eat hot dogs with the King as compensation for going on your show?
Fly: Hot Dog King is a place, not a person.
Logan: Oh. OHHH. WELL OBVIOUSLY. I’m the Hot Dog King!
Fly: Okay, so yeah, that was literally like…30 seconds ago.
Logan: Is that offer still on the table?
Fly: Yes.
Logan: Then I propose a counter. Unlimited hot dogs at the King’s palace and eight…NO!...nine boobs. The boobs should be delivered to me and Speede’s residence within the next 48 hours. By the way, just about…12 seconds ago, our residence changed to the Hot Dog King’s stockroom. Please remember to change your shipping address.
…
Logan and Speede are smiling. Fly is not. Gravedigger is rolling his eyes and Orbit isn’t doing a damn thing. Logan sticks out his hand.
Logan: Let’s shake on it.
Fly: Fine whatever.
Logan and Fly shake hands to seal their agreement. Logan and Speede then celebrate by doing rapid fire pelvic thrusts under the guise of the table they’re standing behind.
Fly: Okay, well that was fun, but we need to keep going. Logan, Roy, it looks like you two have basically introduced yourselves…so let’s go to the fourth contestant on the WCF team, “The Mack” Steve Orbit.
Fly moves down to Orbit who has been silent this entire time.
Fly: Steve, I’m really glad to have you hear.
Orbit: Yeah, yeah. We here to talk some shit on FPV, let’s get on with it.
Fly: I’m sorry Steve, I misunderstood you. Was there something you wanted to say before we get started?
Fly smiles. Orbit doesn’t. He takes out the piece of paper we saw from earlier and without a hint of enthusiasm, mutters the following.
Orbit: Frank Patrick Venable is the worst wrester in the history of this sport. It’s a disgrace and embarrassment to my profession that he’s even employed.
Orbit looks up at Fly.
Fly: Please continue, Steve.
Sigh.
Orbit: I predict that Jonny Fly beats him at Helloween in 13 seconds.
Fly smiles proudly.
Fly: Wow, Steve. That was very nice of you. Thank you for sharing how you truly feel about Frank. But, now with our introductions over, it’s time to begin the show!
More canned applause.
Fly: Gravedigger and Randy, you two are up first.
Randy and Gravedigger walk to the center podium. Randy sticks out his hand.
Gravedigger: Get that thing out of my face.
Randy is taken aback by the comment and retracts his hand. Gravedigger stares at him stone-faced, almost as if he’s trying to intimidate his opponent.
Fly: Alright, good luck to you both. We’ve gone out and surveyed one hundred…wait, no that’s not right. There’s not really a survey for these questions. Look, there’s only one answer on the board for this question and it’s easy. Name something that FPV can’t hold on to.
Gravedigger buzzes in first.
Gravedigger: The WCF World Title.
Fly: Alright, show me World Title!
It’s there, and it gets all 100 points. Fly smiles.
Fly: Look at that! Team WCF off to an early lead! That was a nice little warm-up. Good work, Gravedigger. With that out of the way, let’s go right into the next question. Logan and Vanessa, you two are up.
Logan and the female FPV fan walk to the center podium. Vanessa holds out her hand and Logan enthusiastically shakes it...and shakes it…and then pelvic thrusts…and then shakes it some more…
Fly: LOGAN! Are you ready?
Logan: Shut up! …also, I’m ready.
Fly: There are five answers on the board, and the question is, what are the chances that Frank Patrick Venable defeats Jonny Fly for the World Title at Helloween?
Vanessa buzzes in first.
Vannessa: 50%!
Fly: Show me…no, don’t even worry about it. That’s wrong. Logan, do you have an answer?
Logan: One percent!
Fly: Show me one percent!
It’s there. One percent gets 37 points.
Fly: Logan, play or pass?
Logan: I love to play.
Fly: There you have it, WCF family is going to play.
Fly walks over to Speede.
Fly: Alright Roy, same question to you. What are the chances that FPV defeats Jonny Fly for the World Title?
Speede puts his finger to his mouth to think over his response. Meanwhile, Logan has randomly found a piece of paper and a pen and furiously writes something down. He holds it up for Speede to read.
Speede: My answer is that Frank is a little boudle bitch and is hereby revoked of the privilege to call himself the boudle slayer, mainly because Roy Speede is now the new boudle slayer. P.S. Logan is the Hot Dog King/WCF God.
Fly: Uh…
Logan: That better be up there.
Fly: Show me…my answer is that Frank is a little boudle bitch and is hereby revoked of the privilege to call himself the boudle slayer, mainly because Roy Speede is now indoctrinated as the new boudle slayer. P.S. Logan is the Hot Dog King/WCF God.
Nope. It’s not there. One strike.
Logan: Who made these answers!? This is sabatoge!
Fly moves down to Oribit.
Fly: Steve, what do you have for me? May I suggest, maybe, asking your frail white friend?
Orbit scowls and pulls back out the piece of paper. Without any emotion in his voice, he responds.
Orbit: My answer is zero percent, mainly because everyone knows that FPV stands for Feline panleukopenia virus. Do you get it? Frank is a pussy…and he has no chance at beating Jonny Fly.
Fly laughs at the response.
Fly: Man, Steve, you’re on fire tonight. Show me zero percent!
Yep. That’s the number one answer. Fly moves on to Gravedigger.
Fly: Alright Gravedigger, we have zero percent and one percent off the board. Your team has one strike. What’s your answer?
Gravedigger: Looks like a pattern. How about two percent?
Yep, that’s also there. Fly moves on to Logan.
Fly: Alright Logan, two more answers left on the board. What’s your answer?
Logan begins to think.
Gravedigger: Don’t be an idiot, say three percent Logan.
Logan: Hey! I’m thinking over here trashcan! …alright I got it. Just to one up Gravedigger, I’ll go with four percent!
Fly: Show me four percent!
It’s on the board as the fifth answer. Gravedigger rolls his eyes. Fly moves over to Roy Speede.
Fly: Roy?
Roy Speede can now be seen on the phone.
Roy: No, I’m looking for the week of Christmas….yes I know that’s a busy time..…yes I’m fine with it costing more, it’s a surprise for my dad…..no all I want is to book the wiener mobile on one week road trip…..it is available?....okay, great!.....thank you.
Roy hangs up the phone.
Gravedigger: What the fuck was that? You’re making phone calls during the show?
Roy: What? Do you know how hard it’s been to get in touch with the Oscar Mayer people? They just called me back, I had to take it.
Logan: What was the meaning of those words I just heard, Roy?
Roy: …uh, nothing.
Fly: Yeah, nothing indeed. Now answer the question.
Roy: What question?
Nope. That’s not on the board.
Logan: Hey wait! He didn’t answer.
Fly: The time ran out. Sorry guys, that’s two strikes. Orbit, you’re up.
Sigh. Orbit pulls out his piece of paper again.
Orbit: Yo, I’d really like to answer this question but first I have a question of my own. What lasts longer, FPV in the sack or FPV on the canvas?
Orbit looks up momentarily, then answers the question himself.
Orbit: The answer is a trick question. The only time FPV gets laid is when he’s laid out during his weekly wrestling match.
Fly slaps at his thigh in full blown laughter. Gravedigger, Logan, and Speede join in on the fun. Orbit just continues to look less-than-pleased.
Fly: With that said Steve, would you like to answer?
Orbit: Whatever man, it’s obviously three percent.
Fly: Even though I personally feel three and four percent are too high, let’s see if it’s on the board!
It is. Team WCF takes the points.
Fly: Alright, with the first two surveys out of the way, it looks like it’s time for Round Two where the points will be doubled! Roy and Scott, you’re up.
Roy Speede and random FPV fan Scott walk to the center podium and shake hands.
Fly: Alright guys, there are four answers on the board. The question is, after the Jonny Fly versus FPV match at Helloween and Frank’s resulting injuries, what fictional Halloween character will FPV most closely resemble?
Scott buzzes in first, mainly because Speede was in the process of trying to take out his walkie talkie to ask Logan for help.
Scott: Jaws!
Fly looks confused.
Fly: People dress up like Jaws at Halloween?
Gravedigger: I’ve done that.
Nearly everyone looks over at Gravedigger, puzzled.
Gravedigger: What? I couldn’t go as myself and giant sharks are terrifying.
Fly shrugs and then points to the board.
Fly: Show me Jaws!
Nope.
Fly: Speede, what’s your answer.
Speede pulls out his walkie talkie. Seconds later, he has his answer.
Speede: I’ve been instructed to answer Buffalo Bill because he looks like a woman!
It’s there! It’s the last answer on the board, but it’s there nonetheless.
Fly: Alright Speede, play or pass?
Speede: We’ll play.
Fly nods and walks over to Steve Orbit.
Fly: Alright Steve. Your team is in a commanding lead, but this question is worth double points and there are three answers left on the board. Here we go! After the Jonny Fly versus FPV match at Helloween, what fictional Halloween character will Frank most closely resemble?
Disgruntled as normal, Orbit brings out his piece of paper. In monotone, he answers.
Orbit: Oh boy, Jonny. What a great question. There are literally endless possibilities. Hmmm. I guess I would have to go with Pennywise, simply because he’s a clown and FPV is a fuckin’ clown as well. I’m sure after the match he’ll still be a clown and at the very least, his nose will be red, if not his entire face.
Fly beams proudly.
Fly: Alright, show me Pennywise the evil clown!
NOPE. It’s not there. Fly almost falls down laughing.
Fly: Oh man, Steve. You’ve got to do better than that, dumbass.
Orbit: What the fuck Fly? That’s what you wrote…
Fly: HEY!
Logan: WHOA!
Speede: Stop yelling, boudles.
Orbit is fuming mad. Fly walks over to Gravedigger to continue.
Fly: What do you got for me, ‘digs?
Gravedigger: I remember this one time back in the D.O.T. days when Bishop accidently hit FPV with his wife…
Mass confusion amongst the crowd and participants.
Gravedigger: His wife, the piece of wood he always carried around. Am I the only one who remembers this shit? Anyway, it jacked Frank’s face up pretty bad. He had to wear a mask for a few days and during that time he did kind of look like a shorter Jason Vorhees.
Fly: Alright, show me Jason!
It’s there! Number one answer.
Fly: It looks like a lot of people think FPV is going to need to start wearing a mask after this one. Alright, Logan you’re up next.
Logan: What about The Thing?
Fly: What thing?
Logan: This thing!
Pelvic thrust.
Logan: …but not seriously, The Thing.
Fly: Okay. Show me The Thing!
Nope.
Logan: This game sucks!
Roy: It’s okay dad, I’ll take it from here. I know Frank better than anyone.
Fly: Alright Roy, two strikes, what’s your answer?
Roy: Michael Myers, if he stabbed himself in the face with his own knife.
Fly: Show me Michael Myers!
Yes! It’s there, and the number two answer on the board. Logan looks proudly at his son and slaps him on the back. Meanwhile, Fly moves over to Steve Orbit.
Fly: Steve, do you think you can do better than last time?
Orbit doesn’t even respond.
Fly: You’re on the clock, Steve. We’re looking for one more answer.
Orbit: Man, I don’t even know what to say. You tricked me last time!
Fly: I did no such thing. I just ask the questions. The question is…
Orbit: I know the question!
Fly: Would you like to answer it?
Orbit: No.
Buzzer sounds.
Fly: Oh, I’m sorry Steve you ran out of time. Tough break Team WCF. It looks like the Random Family will have a chance for the steal.
Fly walks over to the other side of the stage. He approaches Randy.
Fly: Alright Randy, there’s one answer left on the board. Your team will have a moment to confer to discuss your answer.
The FPV fans gather momentarily to decide on an answer. They break, and Randy responds to the question.
Randy: Well, we wanted to answer something completely different because we really feel that FPV is going to come out of that match just fine…but considering the scope of the rest of these answers, we’re going with Leatherface.
Fly: Smart move, homers. Show me Leatherface!
Boom. It’s there. The Random Family steals the points.
Fly: Look at that, we have a tie game at 200 points apiece! All thanks to Steve Orbit. Man, I bet you that guy isn’t going to cheat certain people out of any more battle royals. Nevertheless, we’re going to move onto the third round where the points will now be tripled! Can I have Steve Orbit and Alexis to the center podium please?
Orbit begrudgingly obliges and walks toward the podium where he shakes hands with Alexis.
Fly: Alright guys, four more answers on the board for this question. Here we go. Triple points on the line. This question is pretty simple. Name something that annoys you about Frank Patrick Venable.
Orbit doesn’t even bother to buzz in, but Alexis frantically hits her buzzer. Fly scowls.
Fly: Does your buzzer not work, Steve?
Orbit: I don’t know.
Fly: Maybe we should try again?
Alexis: Hey! I buzzed in! Let me answer first.
Orbit hits his buzzer.
Fly: Oh, look at that. It works. Would you care to answer the question Steve?
Alexis: This is cheating!
Fly: Shut up, slut, or I’ll have Gravedigger give you the Death Driver right where you stand.
We switch to a close up of Gravedigger smiling a toothy and wicked smile.
Gravedigger: I would certainly give her The D.
Logan: Is that your finisher’s new nickname? “The D?” I like it!
Gravedigger: Only if I’m wresting a woman.
Wink.
While all of this is happening, Steve Orbit has pulled out his handy piece of paper once more.
Orbit: To me, the most annoying part of FPV is that damn duster coat. It’s like half of him thinks he’s in the matrix and the other half thinks he’s a fuckin’ cowboy with that damn hat he always has on. It’s a confusing image but…
Orbit stops. He looks up at Fly.
Fly: Yes Steve? Would you like to finish?
Sigharama.
Orbit: …I wear fruity colored suits, so what do I know.
Laughs all around. Fly leans over holding his stomach with one hand and slapping his knee with the other. He composes himself and points toward the board.
Fly: Show me that stupid fucking coat FPV always wears!
It’s there! 29 points!
Fly: Alright Alexis, since Orbit didn’t get the top answer if you guess an answer worth more points you’ll have the option to play. What do you have for me?
Alexis: Okay well, I really think his smile is like super-hot, but my friend Melissa doesn’t. She says that…
Fly interrupts.
Fly: …and that’s why we haven’t been letting any of you Frankophiles talk. Your answer is wrong.
Alexis: But you didn’t even check the board!
Fly: I didn’t check because it’s wrong. Go away. Steve, play or pass?
Orbit: We’ll play.
Fly walks over to Gravedigger.
Fly: Alright Gravedigger. You and Frank, like everyone in your family, were real close with Frank at one point or another in your careers. However, everyone has things that annoy people about them. Especially Steve Orbit. What I need from you is to name one of Frank’s most annoying habits.
Gravedigger thinks on it for a second.
Gravedigger: Well, obviously I know my Elder Scrolls games and I’m not quite sure he says Fus Roh Dah correctly. It always sounds like he says ‘DUH’ when it should be ‘DAH.’
Close up on Fly. He blinks repeatedly, puzzled.
Fly: Did you just say you…Gravedigger…The fuckin’ Epitome of Hardcore…a WCF legend…likes Elder Scrolls?
Gravedigger: What? No. I didn’t say that.
Gravedigger looks around with shifty-eyes. Mass confusion has struck the stage once again.
Gravedigger: Maybe you should check the board just in case, but I honestly didn’t say that. I don’t know where that came from. It must have been Logan, that sounds more like something he would say.
Logan isn’t listening to a word Gravedigger is saying. He and Speede are splitting a coffee cake and arguing over what cup size Lilith is.
Fly: Oh….kay. Show me Fus Roh DUH instead of Fus Roh DAH.
Nope. It’s not there.
Gravediggger: Hmmm. Weird.
Fly: Yes, indeed. Alright Logan…Logan……LOGAN.
Logan: WHAT?
Logan turns from Speede to face Fly.
Fly: It’s your turn. Name something annoying about FPV.
Logan: How about the fact that he hasn’t been a nice friend to my son? That boudle stole all my catchphrases and then tried to kill my son in a Euthanasia Chamber match. It still pains me to this day what poor Roy had to go through.
Roy: Once, dad, he told me I was a disgrace to WCF. It hurt.
Logan: Roy, what do we say about listening to boudles?
Roy: Don’t. Then gouge their eyes out with a pelvic thrust.
Logan: EXACTLY! My you’re learning so fast.
Fly: Alright, show me…uh…steals all Logan’s catchphrases/isn’t nice to Logan’s son.
Somehow, miraculously, incredulously, and mostly suspiciously…that answer is there. Fly smiles and chuckles before announcing…
Fly: It’s there!
Still laughing, Fly moves down to Speede looking for the next answer.
Speede: You don’t even need to say anything. How about that #ROYSPEEDEISABOUDLE bullshit?
Logan: Yeah!
Fly: Show me #ROYSPEEDEISABOUDLE!
Nope. It’s not there. Speede is infuriated.
Speede: That was the most annoying thing he’s ever done!
Fly shrugs his shoulders.
Fly: I’m sorry, Roy. In fairness, there are a lot more than five things annoying about Frank.
Fly moves down to Orbit.
Fly: Alright Steve, we’re here again and your team has two strikes. I need something else annoying about FPV.
As per normal, Orbit takes a look at the paper. He responds, simply…
Orbit: Genesis.
Yep. It’s there. That’s the number one answer.
Fly: Steve Orbit bouncing back! Good job. As a Genesis alum, you more than almost anyone know just how annoying Genesis really was.
Orbit scowls, not truly saying that at all. Fly moves back to Gravedigger.
Fly: Alright Gravedigger, it all comes down to you. Two strikes on your team, but only one answer left on the board. That answer I can assure you doesn’t have anything to do with The Elder Scrolls. What do you got for me?
Gravedigger: How about his ridiculous obsession with the People’s Title? That’s not even a REAL title and he treats that damn thing like it’s the World Title.
Fly nods his head in agreement.
Fly: I think you nailed it, buddy. Let’s check the board.
Nope. It’s not there.
Fly: What the…? Sorry digger, that definitely should have been on there. Unfortunately though, that means three strikes and the Random Family will have a chance to steal the points.
Fly walks over to the Rando’s and positions himself in front of Randy who is already speaking with his other team members. Randy emerges from the pow-wow with his team’s answer.
Randy: We first want to say that we as a group love FPV, however, we don’t like when he gets super mad and goes on one of the cussing and yelling tirades he’s prone to do. That scares a few of us.
Fly stares blankly at Randy. He rolls his eyes.
Fly: Okay. Thank you for that answer, I guess. Just so we’re all clear if whateverthefuck he just said is on the board the Random Family would somehow win. If it’s not, the WCF Family will win. This is for all the marbles. Let’s check the board…..
NOPE! It’s not there.
Fly: Well, would you look at that! The WCF family wins! Let’s check the board to see what the last annoying FPV trait was, shall we?
The last answer spot turns over to reveal…
Alexis: HEY!
The answer is ‘His Smile.’
Fly: This is awkward.
Alexis: I said that!
Fly: Uh, maybe we could get some security out here to escort these losers off the stage? That’d be great.
A group of stage hands immediately converge on the Random Family and push them off of the set, leaving only Fly with Gravedigger, Logan, Speede, and Orbit.
Fly: Alright, here are your winners! Gravedigger, Logan, Speede, and Steve Orbit! Usually it’s at this point where we would do the Fast Money Round, but I don’t think that’s really necessary. Sarah Twilight did guarantee me $20,000 dollars out of the FPV’s paycheck to fund the Fast Money Round, but I’d rather not see that go to waste in the event they didn’t win…so…I’m just going to give it to them!
Celebration all around.
Fly: Lastly, everyone please be sure to tune in on Sunday for Helloween where the star of today’s show, FPV, will face yours truly. It’s certainly not a match you’re going to want to miss…unless of course your Frank. Then you might be best served by faking an injury at this point.
Fly smirks.
Fly: Until then…goodbye!
The show closes and the scene fades away.
Fly: Take it!
Orbit: Nah Fly, I ain’t doin’ this.
Fly: Why the hell not?
Orbit: This ain’t my style. I’m out.
Fly goes into full frowny-face mode. He takes a deep sigh and puts his hands over his eyes. He thinks about what to do next, and comes up with a plan.
Fly: Alright, what do you want?
Orbit: What do you mean?
Fly: Is this not how it works between us? I want something from you, I’m sure there’s something you want from me. Tell me what it is and then we’ll make a bet.
Orbit chuckles and nods his head.
Orbit: Aight, Fly. You want to lose something else, I’ll oblige that. Let’s make it cash this time. Hundred g’s sounds about right.
Fly: Chump change, for me. No sweat. If I win, you go on the show and say every single line I’ve written on that paper.
Orbit: Alright, what’s the bet?
Fly: Well, we’re on in five minutes so we got to make it fast. How about a race?
Orbit: A race? I dunno if you noticed or not, we be inside.
Fly: The race is down to the end of the hallway and back.
Orbit looks down the hallway.
Orbit: Shit son, I’m in the best shape of my life. I’ll take that bet and your money. Strap up, homie.
Fly begins taking off his dress shoes and suit jacket and sets them on the floor. Orbit follows suit taking off his gold necklaces, gator boots and bright purple suit jacket. He throws them on top of Fly’s clothes.
Orbit: Clothes mark the finish.
Fly: Let’s shake on it.
Fly and Orbit shake hands to seal the bet. Each turn in the direction that they will be running.
Fly: End of the hall, touch the wall, and back. As far as rules go, rule number one, no touching of the hair or face…AND THAT’S IT!
Orbit laughs.
Orbit: Just watched Anchorman I take it? Good flick.
Fly: You know it. I can’t wait for the second one.
Orbit: Alright, we doin’ this?
Fly: On three. Your count.
Orbit: 1…
Orbit: 2…
Fly and Orbit get into a set position with their hands on the ground and leaning forward just behind their makeshift designer clothes start and finish line.
Orbit: 3!!!
Orbit and Fly explode off ‘the block’ and spring full speed toward the end of the hallway. The length is only about 25 yards and the two world-class athletes cover it in no time. Orbit goes into his turn just a few feet from the wall and hits it with his hand as he body spins back toward the finish line. Less graceful, Fly essentially shoulder blocks the wall and bounces off it. He’s just a hand’s length behind Orbit as they barrel back toward the finish line. Suddenly, Fly yells out in a feminine Logan-imitated voice…
Fly: OH, MACKIE!
That simple word brings back the terrifying memory of “Sarah Twilight.”
Orbit: AH!
Orbit slows, just momentarily to look around, but it’s too late as Fly races past him and crosses the finish line first.
Orbit: Fuck! That’s a bitch move, Fly.
Fly: So was Kate Winslet.
Orbit: Touché.
Fly wipes a bead of sweat from his forehead and grabs his shoes and suit jacket. He walks up to Orbit and hands him the piece of paper.
Fly: Every line, Orbit. Not one of them goes to waste.
Orbit snatches the paper, not happy about whatever is being referenced, and walks away. The scene quickly cuts out.
“IT’S TIME TO PLAY FRANK FEUD!”
Canned applause is heard as the scene jumps to a close up image of Jonny Fly on stage. Fly is holding a group of cue cards and wearing the suit we saw in the previous scene. He smiles, and speaks into the camera.
Fly: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Frank Feud! This is a one-time only game show approved by WCF owner Sarah Twilight to be aired on WCF television to help publicize the World Title match at Helloween. Our show will follow the rules and guidelines of the its namesake Family Feud, with the exception that all survey questions will be somehow related to popularish WCF superstar and future flyjobber Frank Patrick Venable. Oh, and lastly, all of the survey question responses have been filed by me, my friends, and other wrestlers who don’t like Frank.
Fly smiles mischievously.
Fly: With that said, let’s meet the families! First up – THE RANDOM FAMILY!
A stage light illuminates the ‘Random’ family who are excitedly clapping.
Fly: Their opponents will be…THE WCF FAMILY!
A light across the stage turns on and reveals four very familiar faces. Gravedigger is standing to the far left, at the ‘head’ of the row. Next to him is Logan. Next to Logan is Roy Speede. Lastly, next to Roy Speede is a slightly irritated looking Steve Orbit. Canned applause is hit and the scene goes back to a close up of Fly who is standing in the center of the stage between the two families.
Fly: Side note, due to the fact that I literally couldn’t stand being in the room with five other wrestlers, each family will only have four contestants instead of the traditional five. Plus, that way we don’t get sued by the real Family Feud assholes for stealing their shtick.
With that message out of the way, Fly walks over to the Random Family and goes down the row shaking their hands. This ‘family’ is named random because it basically consists of two men and two women who are huge FPV fans who were pulled off the street and asked if they wanted to be on a game show. The men’s names are Randy and Scott, two generic whogivesafucknames. The two women are named Vanessa and Alexis, two sexy female names. Let’s go ahead and ignore the introductions that take place here. These people are just filler. After introducing himself to each member of the family and chatting with them briefly, Fly moves over to the other side of the stage where the WCF family is located.
Fly: Alright, now for the WCF family! Our first contestant is a WCF Hall of Famer and a three-time World Champion….please welcome Gravedigger!
Canned applause. Fly and Digger shake hands.
Gravedigger: Hello, Jonny.
Fly: ‘Digs, what’s good?
Gravedigger: Well, I’m on a game show about FPV. It could be worse though, I am being paid handsomely for it and who doesn’t like money?
From next to Gravedigger, a certain someone takes offense to that.
Logan: HEY, WHOA! He’s being paid?
Speede: Boudles! Where is our money!?
Gravedigger: In my bank account. You two idiots want to fight for it?
In true dysfunctional form, the WCF family already seems to be falling apart as Gravedigger, Logan, and Speede begin fighting back in forth over compensation. Fly thinks quickly and comes up with a solution.
Fly: Hold up! Let’s compromise on this. Logan, Speede…we’ll go to the Hot Dog King after the show and I’ll treat you both to all you can eat hot dogs. Deal?
Logan and Speede stare at Fly coyly. Slowly, Logan reaches into his pocket. With his eyes still fixed on Fly, he brings out his Sponge Bob Square Pants walkie talkie out and discretely(ish) holds it to his mouth.
Logan: Roy. Come in.
Speede fake coughs and reaches quickly into his pocket for his own walkie talkie. He half turns away from Fly to answer.
Speede: I’m here Logan.
Logan: What’s your position?
Speede: I’m currently looking at Steve Orbit. He looks angry…and purpley. Do you think he can hear me?
Logan: Don’t be absurd. Nobody can hear us. We’re on walkie talkies. Now, should we take this boudle up on his offer or not?
Speede: Play hard ball. Ask him for a side order of boobs and to verify the existence of this ‘Hot Dog King.’
Logan: Good plan Roy! I’m so proud of you. Logan out.
Speede: Speede out.
Logan and Speede put their walkie talkies back in their pockets and look back toward Fly innocently. Gravedigger breaks the silence.
Gravedigger: You two know we heard all of that, right?
Logan looks incredulously at Gravedigger.
Logan: Heard what?
Speede: I think he actually might be going senile, Logan.
Logan: Yeah! So Fly, do you remember that time you offered Speede and I the opportunity to eat hot dogs with the King as compensation for going on your show?
Fly: Hot Dog King is a place, not a person.
Logan: Oh. OHHH. WELL OBVIOUSLY. I’m the Hot Dog King!
Fly: Okay, so yeah, that was literally like…30 seconds ago.
Logan: Is that offer still on the table?
Fly: Yes.
Logan: Then I propose a counter. Unlimited hot dogs at the King’s palace and eight…NO!...nine boobs. The boobs should be delivered to me and Speede’s residence within the next 48 hours. By the way, just about…12 seconds ago, our residence changed to the Hot Dog King’s stockroom. Please remember to change your shipping address.
…
Logan and Speede are smiling. Fly is not. Gravedigger is rolling his eyes and Orbit isn’t doing a damn thing. Logan sticks out his hand.
Logan: Let’s shake on it.
Fly: Fine whatever.
Logan and Fly shake hands to seal their agreement. Logan and Speede then celebrate by doing rapid fire pelvic thrusts under the guise of the table they’re standing behind.
Fly: Okay, well that was fun, but we need to keep going. Logan, Roy, it looks like you two have basically introduced yourselves…so let’s go to the fourth contestant on the WCF team, “The Mack” Steve Orbit.
Fly moves down to Orbit who has been silent this entire time.
Fly: Steve, I’m really glad to have you hear.
Orbit: Yeah, yeah. We here to talk some shit on FPV, let’s get on with it.
Fly: I’m sorry Steve, I misunderstood you. Was there something you wanted to say before we get started?
Fly smiles. Orbit doesn’t. He takes out the piece of paper we saw from earlier and without a hint of enthusiasm, mutters the following.
Orbit: Frank Patrick Venable is the worst wrester in the history of this sport. It’s a disgrace and embarrassment to my profession that he’s even employed.
Orbit looks up at Fly.
Fly: Please continue, Steve.
Sigh.
Orbit: I predict that Jonny Fly beats him at Helloween in 13 seconds.
Fly smiles proudly.
Fly: Wow, Steve. That was very nice of you. Thank you for sharing how you truly feel about Frank. But, now with our introductions over, it’s time to begin the show!
More canned applause.
Fly: Gravedigger and Randy, you two are up first.
Randy and Gravedigger walk to the center podium. Randy sticks out his hand.
Gravedigger: Get that thing out of my face.
Randy is taken aback by the comment and retracts his hand. Gravedigger stares at him stone-faced, almost as if he’s trying to intimidate his opponent.
Fly: Alright, good luck to you both. We’ve gone out and surveyed one hundred…wait, no that’s not right. There’s not really a survey for these questions. Look, there’s only one answer on the board for this question and it’s easy. Name something that FPV can’t hold on to.
Gravedigger buzzes in first.
Gravedigger: The WCF World Title.
Fly: Alright, show me World Title!
It’s there, and it gets all 100 points. Fly smiles.
Fly: Look at that! Team WCF off to an early lead! That was a nice little warm-up. Good work, Gravedigger. With that out of the way, let’s go right into the next question. Logan and Vanessa, you two are up.
Logan and the female FPV fan walk to the center podium. Vanessa holds out her hand and Logan enthusiastically shakes it...and shakes it…and then pelvic thrusts…and then shakes it some more…
Fly: LOGAN! Are you ready?
Logan: Shut up! …also, I’m ready.
Fly: There are five answers on the board, and the question is, what are the chances that Frank Patrick Venable defeats Jonny Fly for the World Title at Helloween?
Vanessa buzzes in first.
Vannessa: 50%!
Fly: Show me…no, don’t even worry about it. That’s wrong. Logan, do you have an answer?
Logan: One percent!
Fly: Show me one percent!
It’s there. One percent gets 37 points.
Fly: Logan, play or pass?
Logan: I love to play.
Fly: There you have it, WCF family is going to play.
Fly walks over to Speede.
Fly: Alright Roy, same question to you. What are the chances that FPV defeats Jonny Fly for the World Title?
Speede puts his finger to his mouth to think over his response. Meanwhile, Logan has randomly found a piece of paper and a pen and furiously writes something down. He holds it up for Speede to read.
Speede: My answer is that Frank is a little boudle bitch and is hereby revoked of the privilege to call himself the boudle slayer, mainly because Roy Speede is now the new boudle slayer. P.S. Logan is the Hot Dog King/WCF God.
Fly: Uh…
Logan: That better be up there.
Fly: Show me…my answer is that Frank is a little boudle bitch and is hereby revoked of the privilege to call himself the boudle slayer, mainly because Roy Speede is now indoctrinated as the new boudle slayer. P.S. Logan is the Hot Dog King/WCF God.
Nope. It’s not there. One strike.
Logan: Who made these answers!? This is sabatoge!
Fly moves down to Oribit.
Fly: Steve, what do you have for me? May I suggest, maybe, asking your frail white friend?
Orbit scowls and pulls back out the piece of paper. Without any emotion in his voice, he responds.
Orbit: My answer is zero percent, mainly because everyone knows that FPV stands for Feline panleukopenia virus. Do you get it? Frank is a pussy…and he has no chance at beating Jonny Fly.
Fly laughs at the response.
Fly: Man, Steve, you’re on fire tonight. Show me zero percent!
Yep. That’s the number one answer. Fly moves on to Gravedigger.
Fly: Alright Gravedigger, we have zero percent and one percent off the board. Your team has one strike. What’s your answer?
Gravedigger: Looks like a pattern. How about two percent?
Yep, that’s also there. Fly moves on to Logan.
Fly: Alright Logan, two more answers left on the board. What’s your answer?
Logan begins to think.
Gravedigger: Don’t be an idiot, say three percent Logan.
Logan: Hey! I’m thinking over here trashcan! …alright I got it. Just to one up Gravedigger, I’ll go with four percent!
Fly: Show me four percent!
It’s on the board as the fifth answer. Gravedigger rolls his eyes. Fly moves over to Roy Speede.
Fly: Roy?
Roy Speede can now be seen on the phone.
Roy: No, I’m looking for the week of Christmas….yes I know that’s a busy time..…yes I’m fine with it costing more, it’s a surprise for my dad…..no all I want is to book the wiener mobile on one week road trip…..it is available?....okay, great!.....thank you.
Roy hangs up the phone.
Gravedigger: What the fuck was that? You’re making phone calls during the show?
Roy: What? Do you know how hard it’s been to get in touch with the Oscar Mayer people? They just called me back, I had to take it.
Logan: What was the meaning of those words I just heard, Roy?
Roy: …uh, nothing.
Fly: Yeah, nothing indeed. Now answer the question.
Roy: What question?
Nope. That’s not on the board.
Logan: Hey wait! He didn’t answer.
Fly: The time ran out. Sorry guys, that’s two strikes. Orbit, you’re up.
Sigh. Orbit pulls out his piece of paper again.
Orbit: Yo, I’d really like to answer this question but first I have a question of my own. What lasts longer, FPV in the sack or FPV on the canvas?
Orbit looks up momentarily, then answers the question himself.
Orbit: The answer is a trick question. The only time FPV gets laid is when he’s laid out during his weekly wrestling match.
Fly slaps at his thigh in full blown laughter. Gravedigger, Logan, and Speede join in on the fun. Orbit just continues to look less-than-pleased.
Fly: With that said Steve, would you like to answer?
Orbit: Whatever man, it’s obviously three percent.
Fly: Even though I personally feel three and four percent are too high, let’s see if it’s on the board!
It is. Team WCF takes the points.
Fly: Alright, with the first two surveys out of the way, it looks like it’s time for Round Two where the points will be doubled! Roy and Scott, you’re up.
Roy Speede and random FPV fan Scott walk to the center podium and shake hands.
Fly: Alright guys, there are four answers on the board. The question is, after the Jonny Fly versus FPV match at Helloween and Frank’s resulting injuries, what fictional Halloween character will FPV most closely resemble?
Scott buzzes in first, mainly because Speede was in the process of trying to take out his walkie talkie to ask Logan for help.
Scott: Jaws!
Fly looks confused.
Fly: People dress up like Jaws at Halloween?
Gravedigger: I’ve done that.
Nearly everyone looks over at Gravedigger, puzzled.
Gravedigger: What? I couldn’t go as myself and giant sharks are terrifying.
Fly shrugs and then points to the board.
Fly: Show me Jaws!
Nope.
Fly: Speede, what’s your answer.
Speede pulls out his walkie talkie. Seconds later, he has his answer.
Speede: I’ve been instructed to answer Buffalo Bill because he looks like a woman!
It’s there! It’s the last answer on the board, but it’s there nonetheless.
Fly: Alright Speede, play or pass?
Speede: We’ll play.
Fly nods and walks over to Steve Orbit.
Fly: Alright Steve. Your team is in a commanding lead, but this question is worth double points and there are three answers left on the board. Here we go! After the Jonny Fly versus FPV match at Helloween, what fictional Halloween character will Frank most closely resemble?
Disgruntled as normal, Orbit brings out his piece of paper. In monotone, he answers.
Orbit: Oh boy, Jonny. What a great question. There are literally endless possibilities. Hmmm. I guess I would have to go with Pennywise, simply because he’s a clown and FPV is a fuckin’ clown as well. I’m sure after the match he’ll still be a clown and at the very least, his nose will be red, if not his entire face.
Fly beams proudly.
Fly: Alright, show me Pennywise the evil clown!
NOPE. It’s not there. Fly almost falls down laughing.
Fly: Oh man, Steve. You’ve got to do better than that, dumbass.
Orbit: What the fuck Fly? That’s what you wrote…
Fly: HEY!
Logan: WHOA!
Speede: Stop yelling, boudles.
Orbit is fuming mad. Fly walks over to Gravedigger to continue.
Fly: What do you got for me, ‘digs?
Gravedigger: I remember this one time back in the D.O.T. days when Bishop accidently hit FPV with his wife…
Mass confusion amongst the crowd and participants.
Gravedigger: His wife, the piece of wood he always carried around. Am I the only one who remembers this shit? Anyway, it jacked Frank’s face up pretty bad. He had to wear a mask for a few days and during that time he did kind of look like a shorter Jason Vorhees.
Fly: Alright, show me Jason!
It’s there! Number one answer.
Fly: It looks like a lot of people think FPV is going to need to start wearing a mask after this one. Alright, Logan you’re up next.
Logan: What about The Thing?
Fly: What thing?
Logan: This thing!
Pelvic thrust.
Logan: …but not seriously, The Thing.
Fly: Okay. Show me The Thing!
Nope.
Logan: This game sucks!
Roy: It’s okay dad, I’ll take it from here. I know Frank better than anyone.
Fly: Alright Roy, two strikes, what’s your answer?
Roy: Michael Myers, if he stabbed himself in the face with his own knife.
Fly: Show me Michael Myers!
Yes! It’s there, and the number two answer on the board. Logan looks proudly at his son and slaps him on the back. Meanwhile, Fly moves over to Steve Orbit.
Fly: Steve, do you think you can do better than last time?
Orbit doesn’t even respond.
Fly: You’re on the clock, Steve. We’re looking for one more answer.
Orbit: Man, I don’t even know what to say. You tricked me last time!
Fly: I did no such thing. I just ask the questions. The question is…
Orbit: I know the question!
Fly: Would you like to answer it?
Orbit: No.
Buzzer sounds.
Fly: Oh, I’m sorry Steve you ran out of time. Tough break Team WCF. It looks like the Random Family will have a chance for the steal.
Fly walks over to the other side of the stage. He approaches Randy.
Fly: Alright Randy, there’s one answer left on the board. Your team will have a moment to confer to discuss your answer.
The FPV fans gather momentarily to decide on an answer. They break, and Randy responds to the question.
Randy: Well, we wanted to answer something completely different because we really feel that FPV is going to come out of that match just fine…but considering the scope of the rest of these answers, we’re going with Leatherface.
Fly: Smart move, homers. Show me Leatherface!
Boom. It’s there. The Random Family steals the points.
Fly: Look at that, we have a tie game at 200 points apiece! All thanks to Steve Orbit. Man, I bet you that guy isn’t going to cheat certain people out of any more battle royals. Nevertheless, we’re going to move onto the third round where the points will now be tripled! Can I have Steve Orbit and Alexis to the center podium please?
Orbit begrudgingly obliges and walks toward the podium where he shakes hands with Alexis.
Fly: Alright guys, four more answers on the board for this question. Here we go. Triple points on the line. This question is pretty simple. Name something that annoys you about Frank Patrick Venable.
Orbit doesn’t even bother to buzz in, but Alexis frantically hits her buzzer. Fly scowls.
Fly: Does your buzzer not work, Steve?
Orbit: I don’t know.
Fly: Maybe we should try again?
Alexis: Hey! I buzzed in! Let me answer first.
Orbit hits his buzzer.
Fly: Oh, look at that. It works. Would you care to answer the question Steve?
Alexis: This is cheating!
Fly: Shut up, slut, or I’ll have Gravedigger give you the Death Driver right where you stand.
We switch to a close up of Gravedigger smiling a toothy and wicked smile.
Gravedigger: I would certainly give her The D.
Logan: Is that your finisher’s new nickname? “The D?” I like it!
Gravedigger: Only if I’m wresting a woman.
Wink.
While all of this is happening, Steve Orbit has pulled out his handy piece of paper once more.
Orbit: To me, the most annoying part of FPV is that damn duster coat. It’s like half of him thinks he’s in the matrix and the other half thinks he’s a fuckin’ cowboy with that damn hat he always has on. It’s a confusing image but…
Orbit stops. He looks up at Fly.
Fly: Yes Steve? Would you like to finish?
Sigharama.
Orbit: …I wear fruity colored suits, so what do I know.
Laughs all around. Fly leans over holding his stomach with one hand and slapping his knee with the other. He composes himself and points toward the board.
Fly: Show me that stupid fucking coat FPV always wears!
It’s there! 29 points!
Fly: Alright Alexis, since Orbit didn’t get the top answer if you guess an answer worth more points you’ll have the option to play. What do you have for me?
Alexis: Okay well, I really think his smile is like super-hot, but my friend Melissa doesn’t. She says that…
Fly interrupts.
Fly: …and that’s why we haven’t been letting any of you Frankophiles talk. Your answer is wrong.
Alexis: But you didn’t even check the board!
Fly: I didn’t check because it’s wrong. Go away. Steve, play or pass?
Orbit: We’ll play.
Fly walks over to Gravedigger.
Fly: Alright Gravedigger. You and Frank, like everyone in your family, were real close with Frank at one point or another in your careers. However, everyone has things that annoy people about them. Especially Steve Orbit. What I need from you is to name one of Frank’s most annoying habits.
Gravedigger thinks on it for a second.
Gravedigger: Well, obviously I know my Elder Scrolls games and I’m not quite sure he says Fus Roh Dah correctly. It always sounds like he says ‘DUH’ when it should be ‘DAH.’
Close up on Fly. He blinks repeatedly, puzzled.
Fly: Did you just say you…Gravedigger…The fuckin’ Epitome of Hardcore…a WCF legend…likes Elder Scrolls?
Gravedigger: What? No. I didn’t say that.
Gravedigger looks around with shifty-eyes. Mass confusion has struck the stage once again.
Gravedigger: Maybe you should check the board just in case, but I honestly didn’t say that. I don’t know where that came from. It must have been Logan, that sounds more like something he would say.
Logan isn’t listening to a word Gravedigger is saying. He and Speede are splitting a coffee cake and arguing over what cup size Lilith is.
Fly: Oh….kay. Show me Fus Roh DUH instead of Fus Roh DAH.
Nope. It’s not there.
Gravediggger: Hmmm. Weird.
Fly: Yes, indeed. Alright Logan…Logan……LOGAN.
Logan: WHAT?
Logan turns from Speede to face Fly.
Fly: It’s your turn. Name something annoying about FPV.
Logan: How about the fact that he hasn’t been a nice friend to my son? That boudle stole all my catchphrases and then tried to kill my son in a Euthanasia Chamber match. It still pains me to this day what poor Roy had to go through.
Roy: Once, dad, he told me I was a disgrace to WCF. It hurt.
Logan: Roy, what do we say about listening to boudles?
Roy: Don’t. Then gouge their eyes out with a pelvic thrust.
Logan: EXACTLY! My you’re learning so fast.
Fly: Alright, show me…uh…steals all Logan’s catchphrases/isn’t nice to Logan’s son.
Somehow, miraculously, incredulously, and mostly suspiciously…that answer is there. Fly smiles and chuckles before announcing…
Fly: It’s there!
Still laughing, Fly moves down to Speede looking for the next answer.
Speede: You don’t even need to say anything. How about that #ROYSPEEDEISABOUDLE bullshit?
Logan: Yeah!
Fly: Show me #ROYSPEEDEISABOUDLE!
Nope. It’s not there. Speede is infuriated.
Speede: That was the most annoying thing he’s ever done!
Fly shrugs his shoulders.
Fly: I’m sorry, Roy. In fairness, there are a lot more than five things annoying about Frank.
Fly moves down to Orbit.
Fly: Alright Steve, we’re here again and your team has two strikes. I need something else annoying about FPV.
As per normal, Orbit takes a look at the paper. He responds, simply…
Orbit: Genesis.
Yep. It’s there. That’s the number one answer.
Fly: Steve Orbit bouncing back! Good job. As a Genesis alum, you more than almost anyone know just how annoying Genesis really was.
Orbit scowls, not truly saying that at all. Fly moves back to Gravedigger.
Fly: Alright Gravedigger, it all comes down to you. Two strikes on your team, but only one answer left on the board. That answer I can assure you doesn’t have anything to do with The Elder Scrolls. What do you got for me?
Gravedigger: How about his ridiculous obsession with the People’s Title? That’s not even a REAL title and he treats that damn thing like it’s the World Title.
Fly nods his head in agreement.
Fly: I think you nailed it, buddy. Let’s check the board.
Nope. It’s not there.
Fly: What the…? Sorry digger, that definitely should have been on there. Unfortunately though, that means three strikes and the Random Family will have a chance to steal the points.
Fly walks over to the Rando’s and positions himself in front of Randy who is already speaking with his other team members. Randy emerges from the pow-wow with his team’s answer.
Randy: We first want to say that we as a group love FPV, however, we don’t like when he gets super mad and goes on one of the cussing and yelling tirades he’s prone to do. That scares a few of us.
Fly stares blankly at Randy. He rolls his eyes.
Fly: Okay. Thank you for that answer, I guess. Just so we’re all clear if whateverthefuck he just said is on the board the Random Family would somehow win. If it’s not, the WCF Family will win. This is for all the marbles. Let’s check the board…..
NOPE! It’s not there.
Fly: Well, would you look at that! The WCF family wins! Let’s check the board to see what the last annoying FPV trait was, shall we?
The last answer spot turns over to reveal…
Alexis: HEY!
The answer is ‘His Smile.’
Fly: This is awkward.
Alexis: I said that!
Fly: Uh, maybe we could get some security out here to escort these losers off the stage? That’d be great.
A group of stage hands immediately converge on the Random Family and push them off of the set, leaving only Fly with Gravedigger, Logan, Speede, and Orbit.
Fly: Alright, here are your winners! Gravedigger, Logan, Speede, and Steve Orbit! Usually it’s at this point where we would do the Fast Money Round, but I don’t think that’s really necessary. Sarah Twilight did guarantee me $20,000 dollars out of the FPV’s paycheck to fund the Fast Money Round, but I’d rather not see that go to waste in the event they didn’t win…so…I’m just going to give it to them!
Celebration all around.
Fly: Lastly, everyone please be sure to tune in on Sunday for Helloween where the star of today’s show, FPV, will face yours truly. It’s certainly not a match you’re going to want to miss…unless of course your Frank. Then you might be best served by faking an injury at this point.
Fly smirks.
Fly: Until then…goodbye!
The show closes and the scene fades away.
