Post by Mr. Jack Happy on Sept 27, 2013 0:32:00 GMT -5
(Our scene fades in to a house painted a god-awful shade of yellow. The roof is colored...black?...and there's an evil smiley face on the door. As if on cue, the words 'Happy House' flash briefly on the screen. Wow. Really? This is where Jack B. Happy lives? Who knew. Total surprise there. Thanks Captain Obvious.
Anywho, the scene cuts inside the house, where we see Jack laying on a waterbed. He's got IV's running through him, but they're dispersing Faygo soda into him. His mask now has several stitches sewn into the upper right side of it. He's wearing a yellow hospital gown with evil smiley faces all over it. Again, wow,what a stretch there. At least he's coordinating his attire with his house, that's gotta count for something, right? RIGHT?!?!??! Sheesh, nevermind. Tending to his wounds (and trying to steady herself as she has to stand on the bed) is the incomparable, diminutive darling Nurse LILSQUIRT (the littlest squirt!!!!). In case I've failed miserably to tell you this, she's kinda hot for a midget. Especially in that nurse's outfit. Hubba hubba!
Only a few moments pass before there is a knock on his bedroom door. Jack, wide-eyed as a result of Faygo being pumped directly into his rather large frame shoots up into a seated position. The resulting wave on the waterbed causes Nurse Lilsquirt to go airborne. She shrieks as she zips up and out of camera view.)
"Who...who is it? Pookie, is that you? I told you that the ice cream truck doesn't run for another 20 minutes man. Wait. Pookie, you don't knock. You usually just run INTO the door. So if it's not Pookie....w-who is it?"
"Mr. Happy, it's me, Hank Brown. Here to do an interview with you about your upcoming participation at War. Can I come in?"
"How did you get by my crack security guard, Pookie?"
"I bought an ice cream cone a street before your's. I was about to eat it when Pookie grabbed it. The door was unlocked."
"Damn, got past my secret, obvious trap. Usually, if people find the door locked, they try to UNLOCK it. I thought that, if that was the case, then if they encountered an unlocked door, they would then try to LOCK it keeping them out. You're good Hank...very, very good. Yeah, come on in."
(As Hank Brown enters into the room, he's shocked to find Lilsquirt caught up in the overhead ceiling fan. She's spinning round and round and kind of giggling...or is that shrieking in midgetese? Jack can't help, but to smile at Hank as Hank moves towards a chair, concerned about Lilsquirt's plight.)
"Jack, shouldn't we try to help Lilsquirt? She's stuck."
"Nah. Don't worry, Hank. She'll find a way out. Just like your wife will find a way out of my closet once she runs out of camera film as she tries to catch you in a bad position with Lilsquirt again."
(From Jack's closet, we hear the camera drop to the floor as Mrs. Brown mumbles curse words at being found out yet again. Jack continues...)
"Now, I know that you've got a lot of questions for me. However, as you probably have already guessed, I have a few things I need to get off of my massive chest. So, if you'd be so kind as to just sit on down in that chair I've got a few things I need to say. There ya go. Thanks Hank. How'd you get your own camera crew? Sheesh, you're moving up in the world, aren't ya Hank? Word to the wise though: don't try to suck up to Sarah Twilight with a toaster. I bought her one. Did not get well received. Still no thank you card. Checked the mail and everything today too. Nada."
(Jack looks into the camera. Seconds after he does, his Happyshades fall down, and he casts his trademark scared flinch before continuing....)
"Howdy doo buckaroos. I'd like to start by saying hi to all my Happy-ites out there in Ha-Ha Land as well as to all the Slap-Happy's on the corner of 69th and 88th. It's great to be back. I've missed you guys as much as I do my burritos. Mmmm. Burritos. Oh nurse Lil-oh that's right. Nevermind. You're caught up in the moment. It's okay. I'll just keep talking. But when you get down, and I don't mean twerking, but when you actually GET DOWN I need some okay? Thanks Nurse. You rock. Well, actually you spin right now, but you get the compliment!!!!!!"
"Let me continue by saying that I greatly appreciate the WCF for giving me a chance to participate at War. I know I don't have a long-term contract or anything of the sort. Simply put, Run DM-Seth extended an invitation out to people that have had a chance to be here. Of course I accepted. It's a great opportunity for me to say thanks for having allowed me to be here and to give back to the great fans and people of the WCF."
"This upcoming battle royal is going to be awesome, Hank. They've got champs, former champs, people who know people who know friends of former champs, Smurfs, G.I. Joes, Cobras, Masters of the Universe, X-Men, Justice League, Avengers, actual former championship belts that have somehow slithered back in, and finally...ME. The man with the wiggle and the giggle, the mirth and the girth, the thunderous thighs and the bovine backside. Mr. Jack-be-nimble-Jack-be-quick-Jack-busted-out-the-big-whuppin-stick HAPPY! It's gonna be an incredible show no doubt about it!"
"Yet, for me, it's personal. In fact, it's hilariously SERIOUS for me. You see, I'm probably the biggest long-shot out there...in more ways than one. No one is expecting me to do anything out there. Most are probably thinking that I'm just some kind of freak, that I'm not a wrestler. Pardon me. Gotta play a little background music as I continue."
(Reaching for the nearby nightstand, we see him get a tape recorder. Hitting play, we hear "Against All Odds" by Phil Collins. Nodding, he continues...)
"So on the 29th, on my birthday, I set foot in the ring against impossible odds. And, as much as that night will be a present for me, I've got presents to give as well. A present for Lilith who gave me this really cool scar on my masked face. Chicks dig scars, so thanks Lilith. Hopefully dudes will dig scars on you because you will most assuredly get several when you fly out of that ring and crash to the floor, courtesy of the man with the largest lovehandles the WCF has EVER seen!"
"Sarah. I've shared so much with you. I really wanted to be your friend. Maybe it's because I have a thing for redheads, or maybe because deep down when I looked into your eyes I saw a sadness of epic proportions. I shared my ice cream, I gave you a toaster, but no matter what I did it just wasn't enough. You've got a frown that refuses to turn upside down. Well, if I can't turn that frown upside down, I guess I'll just have to turn YOU upside down as I dump you over the top."
"Over the top. Ha. What a fitting phrase for me. I've been 'OVER THE TOP' my whole life. I'm just a freak right? I'm just a fatass, greasy clown right? I'm nothing more than a joke to any and everyone else that sees me. Well, at War, I get to put ANY and EVERY one that comes face-to-flab with me over the top rope. You see, at War, he who laughs last laughs lethal. I've got fatal punchlines to deliver and this time....THIS TIME....people will be left all CRACKED UP because they got ALL JACKED UP!"
"Hank, what you need to do is ask yourself a series of questions. It's the same series of questions that all my deranged denziens and all the great fans of the WCF will have to ask themselves as well. And here they are: What will happen with the WCF when the championship belt goes around the most scintillating subcutaneous regions of this non-wrestling, fatass, greasy, freak-clown? A clown that has a contract that will be up in two more days. Will the WCF close its doors? Or will the WCF welcome in the era of 'When a Clown Would be King?' You see, Hank, I'm the Jolly Jack Jokester....and jokers they're always wild. When Seth put me into this match, when he shuffled ME into the deck, all the odds changed. Still think I don't matter? You're joking, right?"
(Jack starts laughing hysterically. Suddenly, Lilsquirt falls from the ceiling fan right into Hank Brown's arms. She gives him a peck on the cheek as, from the closet, we hear his wife curse at him. Jack laughs even more hysterically before suddenly stopping and casting his trademark scared flinch into the camera. The scene fades out.)
Anywho, the scene cuts inside the house, where we see Jack laying on a waterbed. He's got IV's running through him, but they're dispersing Faygo soda into him. His mask now has several stitches sewn into the upper right side of it. He's wearing a yellow hospital gown with evil smiley faces all over it. Again, wow,what a stretch there. At least he's coordinating his attire with his house, that's gotta count for something, right? RIGHT?!?!??! Sheesh, nevermind. Tending to his wounds (and trying to steady herself as she has to stand on the bed) is the incomparable, diminutive darling Nurse LILSQUIRT (the littlest squirt!!!!). In case I've failed miserably to tell you this, she's kinda hot for a midget. Especially in that nurse's outfit. Hubba hubba!
Only a few moments pass before there is a knock on his bedroom door. Jack, wide-eyed as a result of Faygo being pumped directly into his rather large frame shoots up into a seated position. The resulting wave on the waterbed causes Nurse Lilsquirt to go airborne. She shrieks as she zips up and out of camera view.)
"Who...who is it? Pookie, is that you? I told you that the ice cream truck doesn't run for another 20 minutes man. Wait. Pookie, you don't knock. You usually just run INTO the door. So if it's not Pookie....w-who is it?"
"Mr. Happy, it's me, Hank Brown. Here to do an interview with you about your upcoming participation at War. Can I come in?"
"How did you get by my crack security guard, Pookie?"
"I bought an ice cream cone a street before your's. I was about to eat it when Pookie grabbed it. The door was unlocked."
"Damn, got past my secret, obvious trap. Usually, if people find the door locked, they try to UNLOCK it. I thought that, if that was the case, then if they encountered an unlocked door, they would then try to LOCK it keeping them out. You're good Hank...very, very good. Yeah, come on in."
(As Hank Brown enters into the room, he's shocked to find Lilsquirt caught up in the overhead ceiling fan. She's spinning round and round and kind of giggling...or is that shrieking in midgetese? Jack can't help, but to smile at Hank as Hank moves towards a chair, concerned about Lilsquirt's plight.)
"Jack, shouldn't we try to help Lilsquirt? She's stuck."
"Nah. Don't worry, Hank. She'll find a way out. Just like your wife will find a way out of my closet once she runs out of camera film as she tries to catch you in a bad position with Lilsquirt again."
(From Jack's closet, we hear the camera drop to the floor as Mrs. Brown mumbles curse words at being found out yet again. Jack continues...)
"Now, I know that you've got a lot of questions for me. However, as you probably have already guessed, I have a few things I need to get off of my massive chest. So, if you'd be so kind as to just sit on down in that chair I've got a few things I need to say. There ya go. Thanks Hank. How'd you get your own camera crew? Sheesh, you're moving up in the world, aren't ya Hank? Word to the wise though: don't try to suck up to Sarah Twilight with a toaster. I bought her one. Did not get well received. Still no thank you card. Checked the mail and everything today too. Nada."
(Jack looks into the camera. Seconds after he does, his Happyshades fall down, and he casts his trademark scared flinch before continuing....)
"Howdy doo buckaroos. I'd like to start by saying hi to all my Happy-ites out there in Ha-Ha Land as well as to all the Slap-Happy's on the corner of 69th and 88th. It's great to be back. I've missed you guys as much as I do my burritos. Mmmm. Burritos. Oh nurse Lil-oh that's right. Nevermind. You're caught up in the moment. It's okay. I'll just keep talking. But when you get down, and I don't mean twerking, but when you actually GET DOWN I need some okay? Thanks Nurse. You rock. Well, actually you spin right now, but you get the compliment!!!!!!"
"Let me continue by saying that I greatly appreciate the WCF for giving me a chance to participate at War. I know I don't have a long-term contract or anything of the sort. Simply put, Run DM-Seth extended an invitation out to people that have had a chance to be here. Of course I accepted. It's a great opportunity for me to say thanks for having allowed me to be here and to give back to the great fans and people of the WCF."
"This upcoming battle royal is going to be awesome, Hank. They've got champs, former champs, people who know people who know friends of former champs, Smurfs, G.I. Joes, Cobras, Masters of the Universe, X-Men, Justice League, Avengers, actual former championship belts that have somehow slithered back in, and finally...ME. The man with the wiggle and the giggle, the mirth and the girth, the thunderous thighs and the bovine backside. Mr. Jack-be-nimble-Jack-be-quick-Jack-busted-out-the-big-whuppin-stick HAPPY! It's gonna be an incredible show no doubt about it!"
"Yet, for me, it's personal. In fact, it's hilariously SERIOUS for me. You see, I'm probably the biggest long-shot out there...in more ways than one. No one is expecting me to do anything out there. Most are probably thinking that I'm just some kind of freak, that I'm not a wrestler. Pardon me. Gotta play a little background music as I continue."
(Reaching for the nearby nightstand, we see him get a tape recorder. Hitting play, we hear "Against All Odds" by Phil Collins. Nodding, he continues...)
"So on the 29th, on my birthday, I set foot in the ring against impossible odds. And, as much as that night will be a present for me, I've got presents to give as well. A present for Lilith who gave me this really cool scar on my masked face. Chicks dig scars, so thanks Lilith. Hopefully dudes will dig scars on you because you will most assuredly get several when you fly out of that ring and crash to the floor, courtesy of the man with the largest lovehandles the WCF has EVER seen!"
"Sarah. I've shared so much with you. I really wanted to be your friend. Maybe it's because I have a thing for redheads, or maybe because deep down when I looked into your eyes I saw a sadness of epic proportions. I shared my ice cream, I gave you a toaster, but no matter what I did it just wasn't enough. You've got a frown that refuses to turn upside down. Well, if I can't turn that frown upside down, I guess I'll just have to turn YOU upside down as I dump you over the top."
"Over the top. Ha. What a fitting phrase for me. I've been 'OVER THE TOP' my whole life. I'm just a freak right? I'm just a fatass, greasy clown right? I'm nothing more than a joke to any and everyone else that sees me. Well, at War, I get to put ANY and EVERY one that comes face-to-flab with me over the top rope. You see, at War, he who laughs last laughs lethal. I've got fatal punchlines to deliver and this time....THIS TIME....people will be left all CRACKED UP because they got ALL JACKED UP!"
"Hank, what you need to do is ask yourself a series of questions. It's the same series of questions that all my deranged denziens and all the great fans of the WCF will have to ask themselves as well. And here they are: What will happen with the WCF when the championship belt goes around the most scintillating subcutaneous regions of this non-wrestling, fatass, greasy, freak-clown? A clown that has a contract that will be up in two more days. Will the WCF close its doors? Or will the WCF welcome in the era of 'When a Clown Would be King?' You see, Hank, I'm the Jolly Jack Jokester....and jokers they're always wild. When Seth put me into this match, when he shuffled ME into the deck, all the odds changed. Still think I don't matter? You're joking, right?"
(Jack starts laughing hysterically. Suddenly, Lilsquirt falls from the ceiling fan right into Hank Brown's arms. She gives him a peck on the cheek as, from the closet, we hear his wife curse at him. Jack laughs even more hysterically before suddenly stopping and casting his trademark scared flinch into the camera. The scene fades out.)