Post by Trey on Apr 4, 2013 23:48:20 GMT -5
(We tune in to the broadcast of KTUU local channel 2 News Team for “The Morning Show” with Anchors Bob Troutsky and “Lumberjack” Jan Wolowitski. We can see Bob is a shining star, with the spotlight on his bald head and a big pearly white smile, accompanied by a freshly pressed grey suit with blue tie. Meanwhile Jan appears as if she's never met a smile, letting her long red hair flow over her enormous burly shoulders and down her red and black flannel coat.)
Bob Troutsky: Welcome to another edition of The Morning Show! I'm Bob Troutsky here with the burly.. I mean.. lovely.. Jan Wolowitski, and we're in for a great show today.
"Lumberjack" Jan Wolowitski: Yessiree Bob, lots of news to get to, including our special previewing the hall of fame legend Trey Reed, who is set to debut with the Wrestling Championship Federation this Sunday night, live from the Sullivan Arena right here in town! That will be happen during Sports talk with Benji Gambinho, but first, let's check on the weather..
Bob Troutsky: That's right Jan, let's go to our resident meteorologist Igloo Joe! Hey Joe!
(The scene goes split screen now, showing an eskimo wearing a thick coat with a furry hood sitting in front of a large weather map of Anchorage, Alaska and the surrounding small areas.)
Igloo Joe: How. Bob. Jan.
"Lumberjack" Jan Wolowitski: It's looking like a cold one today don'tcha know it Joe?
Igloo Joe: Oh yers. It so cold my chair here freezing!
Bob Troutsky: *whisper to Jan* Is he sitting on a frozen box of Otter pops?
Igloo Joe: HEY JAN, what you call lesbian Eskimo?
"Lumberjack" Jan Wolowitski: I don't know, a creamscicle?
Igloo Joe: No. A Klon-dike bar. Ho ho ho!
Bob Troutsky: Geez.. How about that weather Joe?!
Igloo Joe: Um me see.. Snow, darkness, mo snow. Kind of like when Bob get his chocolate stawfish open n shut doing gay porn on weekend OH HO HO HO!
"Lumberjack" Jan Wolowitski: Oh haha! Good one you betcha.
Igloo Joe: I sit on chair too long, gonna catch Polaroids.
Bob Troutsky: OKAAAAY... Thanks Igloo Joe, I guess?
(The screen goes full back to the anchors, just in time as Igloo Joe begins to do some kind of Oompa Loompa dance.)
Bob Troutsky: Right. Now as promised, lets go to our resident giant Benji for sports talk!
(A real cheesy intro to sports talk jumps across the screen, with transitions reminiscent of a sixth grader making a powerpoint presentation on MS Office 2000. They show a hoss of a man, at least 6'5 320 lbs, with pale freckly skin and a giant curly red afro, beautiful blue eyes and a striking smile full of huge teeth. He stands in one picture with a baseball bat in one hand and his arm wrapped around Curt Shilling with the caption “Sports News out of this World Series!” As that swirls away diagonally, a picture comes up with Benji and Alaskan-raised NBA star Carlos Boozer outside of a local pub throwing up on the curb “Only regurgitating Booze, not the news!” A final picture shows Benji in a one piece leotard giving a Lex Luger Torture Rack to Sarah Palin, who is in complete wrestling gear and gives a big thumbs up!)
Benji Gambinho: Hey everyone and welcome to sports talk! We got one HELLUVA segment for you guys today! We are dedicating this morning to a legend in many circles of professional wrestling, the “Last Action Hero” Trey Reed! While Trey is mostly known nowadays for his time spent pouring bottles of champagne on girls in one of his many nightclubs he owns in Vegas and Hollywood, he is more than just a coveted celebrity. From the age of 16 Trey has been a professional wrestler, first opening up on the All Japan Pro circuit in the “Pro Wrestling KING” series, under the character of Falcor.
(A picture shows up above Benji's right shoulder of a very young Reed wearing a mask of Falcor the Dragon from the Neverending Story, it's a still photo of him performing a top-rope senton bomb onto Japanese legend Mitsuharu Misawa.)
Benji Gambinho: Reed battled racism and bouts with the Yakuza for the two years he spent in Japan after being abandoned there by his father and international wrestling icon Kevin Jones, whom owed the mafia tens of thousands in drug debt. Once earning enough to buy his way back into U.S. Citizenship, he became a national wrestling star by joining up with New Era Wrestling.
(The picture switches to a pretty blonde young man standing in the ring with a world championship title, covered in sweat and tears of joy.)
Benji Gambinho: It did not take long for him to win many titles, including the world title within two months of joining the federation, and becoming one of the most decorated champions in the history of NEW before he was even legally allowed to drink. In the summer of 2000 he jumped to the most well-known established federation in America, the FWF at the request of his father Kevin Jones, who was a king of the federation.
(Another picture fades in, this of Kevin Jones, the flawless chunk of man meat everyone was always in awe of. He is at a wrestling picnic get together for charity, with his arm wrapped around Trey. Trey wears a t-shirt that says “I <3 My Dad!” and Kevin wears one that sames “I'm With Stupid” and an arrow pointing to Trey. Both are laughing as they lay on their backs, having just won the father-son three-legged race and tripped each other while celebrating.)
Benji Gambinho: Together they teamed up as the Jones Fam, going undefeated in over 30 matches on an incredible streak. Then, when the FWF closes its doors down, the two of them continued to wrestle together in IWF, SWF, and even for a stint back in NEW. There were many great memories together, but it could not last forever before his father once again disappeared on him. Of course being a wrestling icon who traveled the US and had an allergy to latex made it hard for Trey Reed to be the only bastard child of the “Industrial Icon.” It is estimated according to reports gathered by Child Services that during the early 80's Kevin Jones was biological father to nearly 70 illegitimate children of various races. It would later be revealed as the reason why Kevin did not have enough time to stay with Trey, as he was planning a scheme that would require him to reconnect with all these kids and his former lovers.
(The picture shows Trey sad and confused, in the fetal position. It's actually a picture of him wasted on vicodins and tequila in an ally outside of a bar, but it's the only picture they could find relevant enough.)
Benji Gambinho: As Trey fought fatherless once again, he fell into a stem of hardcore wrestling in order to unleash the pain he felt on the inside, or to feel pain from the numbness his father's lack of emotion left him with. Who knows! Either way, this led him to perform some of the biggest stunts and bumps people had ever seen in pro wrestling, including taking a Tiger Driver 91 off a 20 foot scaffolding through a burning table, and landing a mutual slump off a ladder directly onto concrete.
(The clips are shown on the screen from NEGWA and NEW respectively as Benji narrates over them. Then, they are replaced once again by a picture over his shoulder, which shows Trey posing shirtless for the cameras with a brand new thick, red scar wielding from his lower abdomen up his torso and across his left pectoral.)
Benji Gambinho: All of these hardcore bumps culminated in the summer of 2005, when Trey was involved in the death of fellow wrestler Russell Karr, who was under the alias of Wicked Clown. Warning: the clip we are about to show our viewers has been edited for graphic content, but still may not be suitable for some.
(A clip takes over the screen again, showing a bloody Trey Reed trading punches with a man dressed like the evil clown from the movie IT on top of a five story roof. Wicked Clown nails a haymaker that sends Trey staggering towards the edge of the rooftop, where he just manages to regain his balance. Wicked Clown, however, comes charging at him, apparently not noticing in the darkness of night that it was the edge which almost caused Trey to trip and fall. He nails Trey with a spear, and the two go twisting and tumbling off of the roof towards the sidewalk below. The clip cuts off just before the bottom, where Trey seems to be on top of WC just before impact.)
Benji Gambinho: Both wrestlers were rushed to the hospital for the damage, where Trey stayed in ICU for three months with a lacerated spleen, torn labrum, four broken ribs, and his second and third vertebrae discs ruptured. Wicked Clown had it much worse, his skull fractured and back and legs shattered, plus severe blood loss. After a 36 hour fight in the surgical room, Russell Karr died from complications. After a lengthy investigation, the Chicago Bureau of Police Investigation found no misconduct from Trey Reed and any charges of manslaughter were dropped. Meanwhile, Reed once released from the hospital was advised by doctors he would never be cleared to wrestle again. So, while taking a three year hiatus to rehab, Trey received news about his father in 2006, over three years since his last disappearance.
(The screen switches to a clip of a national news report most should be well acquainted with.)
Anchor 1: Tragic story developing this evening out of South Wyoming in a secluded part of the Rocky Mountains, where 120 bodies were found in a field. All dressed in nice clothing and holding empty cups believed to have contained a mixture of juice and cyanide. Initial leaks of the investigation believe that these middle aged women and young adults were a part of the Trideluge Testament, a small cult founded by famous former professional wrestler Kevin Jones. Also leaked from the investigation is that the body of Kevin Jones was not found among the mass suicide, leading the FBI to believe he may be alive and on the run.
Benji Gambinho: Trey had once again jumped the front page of the news, being one of seven surviving children of Kevin Jones, who were all not involved in the mass-suicide. It was at this point that the CIA placed tracking devices on all seven surviving members of the Jones Family, and the FBI sent individual officers to keep a watchful eye over each one of them. Becoming celebrity once again brought life back to Reed, who also inherited the riches of his father as the only one named in the Will and Testament. That includes a mansion in Beverly Hills, the land of the cult which covered 20,000 acres of the midwest, and an R&D company called Kinetix Advanced Inc.
(The clips switch back to a roll of photos of Trey, wearing a tuxedo and reuniting with his six siblings who he never knew, with a big smile. They all look poor and sad. The next photo is of him with CEO of Kinetix Advanced, Connor Bartley, shaking hands in front of the building at a very publicized press conference while in his other arm Trey holds a newborn baby.)
Benji Gambinho: This is a photo of the day Kinetix Advanced announced that they had completed the first successful human clone, a baby version of Trey Reed using DNA of his nutsac hair. The patents on this technology and several others since then from Kinetix Advanced are estimated to be in the billions. Most recently they believe they are hot on the trace of a functional cure for AIDS, having first cured HIV on Magic Johnson in initial trials and then recently on some little white baby girl. Trey took this money and invested it wisely.
(The next clip shows Trey Reed sitting at a nightclub table with bottle service in front of him, and his arms wrapped around rapper Snoop Dogg and gambling mogul Don Johnson respectively.)
Benji Gambinho: First Trey began pouring funds into personal stock in Warned Music Group, where eventually he was able to buy enough to where he was voted in as a member of the board of executives. This is why he is now able to manipulate songs and add his name to them for his own personal ring entrances.
(The clip switches to a picture of Trey Reed at a Global Wrestling Championship press conference.)
Benji Gambinho: Here it was, three years since his retirement when Trey Reed announced he had been cleared to wrestle once again thanks to the help of stem-cell research by Kinetix strengthening his body back to 100%. It was at this point that he joined the GWC at the behaste of Owner Danny Vice, and was immediately thrust into a fued for the US Title with then champion Zach Warner. While the sport was electrified by his return, it came to an unfortunately quick end when more tragic news hit close to home.
(Newspaper clippings of the Jones Fam murders begin to show up on the screen.)
Benji Gambinho: Throughout the next six months, three of the remaining seven children of the Jones fam were found murdered in what were believed to be connected serial killings. At this point the United States Secretary of Defense had the Secret Service swoop up Trey and his last three siblings, and place them in protective custody. This is where they had remained until the new Defense Secretary decided it was safe for them to be released in the spring of 2011.
(Now a clip of Trey Reed in a black suit and shades with a chainsaw, cutting through red tape in front of the Greystone Manor Supperclub in the heart of West Hollywood in 2012.)
Benji Gambinho: While trying to readjust to the outside world once again after being “off the grid” for so long, Trey delved into the party life he once called home. He made many connections with rappers and celebrities while dropping ten thousand dollar tabs in various nightclubs throughout Las Vegas, Miami and Hollywood. Eventually with all the connections he made, he decided to join in on ownership, becoming part-owner of SBE Entertainment, where he has helped design and open several successful bars and nightclubs in the last two years.
(Now, youtube clips of Trey Reed's ring entrance in his debut last night on WCF Wednesday Night.)
Benji Gambinho: Finally, after a near full five year break, Trey Reed shows his face online last night in the ring!! Hell yeah!! He broke the Guinness Book of World Records for longest planned ring entrance in any sport. Not only that, but it was the most exciting and entertaining ring entrance I have EVER seen!! Our producers here at KTUU estimate that it must have cost upwards of three million dollars, which is ten times the estimated annual budget for the Wednesday Night show!
(A still picture of Trey's hand raised after pinning CryBoy McEmo.)
Benji Gambinho: OOHOOOEWW!! WHOO!! I get so giddy just seeing the Last Action Hero back! And he will be here IN ANCHORAGE, live this Sunday on Slam!! YESS!!!
(A split screen now appears with Benji and newscaster Bob.)
Bob Troutsky: Okay.. Well, thanks Benji.. That was, incredibly long.. I really didn't think our special on Trey Reed would take up half our morning show, and include no commercial breaks.
Benji Gambinho: DID YOU JUST DISGRACE HIS NAME?! YOU SUNNUVA BISCH!!
(Benji disappears from his screen and suddenly appears in front of Bob, running over with a kick to the gut and then stunner!)
"Lumberjack" Jan Wolowitski: Oh my.. that's a good ol fashion can of ass whippin! We'll be back after this message from our sponsors don'tcha know!
(Cut.)
(The scene opens up in Trey Reed's mansion in Beverly Hills, where he and his manager Ronny are chilling on the BIGGEST COUCH EVER – a ten feet tall by twenty feet wide leather two seater! Trey has a gas mask bong covering his face as Ronny holds the lighter up and it fills up with smoke. After about thirty seconds of non-stop ripping it, he clears the chamber and then sucks in everything from the mask.)
'LAH' Trey Reed: OOOOOOOHHHHACK!
(Trey pulls off the mask and begins coughing insanely, while projectiling spit and drool in every which direction as Ronny pulls back laughing out of control.)
Ronny: Yeah bro! This mask is the best ever!
'LAH' Trey Reed: I will admit, *hack* this Stone Cold Steve Bongstin, really *cough* does the trick. It hits the spot. HOLY CRAP I NEED NACHOS!!
(Trey snaps his fingers. Into the room runs his butler Geoffrey. Yes, Trey pays the actor Joseph Marcell from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air to be his butler.)
'G': Yes sir?
'LAH' Trey Reed: HEY G! How bout you whip up a plate of Nachos?
'G': Right away..
Ronny: This is dope man, this show is dope! How do you even get the local Anchorage, Alaska news?
'LAH' Trey Reed: Simple, Ronny. I have my personal hacker Rory figure out all that technical stuff. He's good with computers.. internet stuff.. satellite tv.. uhm, smart phones. Etc?
Ronny: Nice! Well those newscasters sure do love you man.
'LAH' Trey Reed: Chyeah! I kind of want to own Igloo Joe.
Ronny: What do you mean OWN?
'LAH' Trey Reed: Oh.. heh heh.. not like, SLAVERY bro! Calm down, yo. I mean like, have a character like that in my promos.. He's freakin hilarious! Besides I think it's legal to own Eskimos. I heard they don't have souls so it's like owning a pet.
Ronny: But, bro, you are so bad with pets! Remember that pet dinosaur you wanted? You got bored with it after a week and never fed it!
(Cut to the bones of a T-Rex laying next to a giant, empty dog bowl.)
'LAH' Trey Reed: Bu..but.. this one would be different!
(Geoffrey returns with a hot steaming plate of nachos, but just then Trey's Sports Agent Dennis Winston arrives and comes stomping towards the couch with a newspaper in hand. He slaps the plate of delicious nachos out of G's hand!! Nooo!!)
'LAH' Trey Reed: WHY?!?!
Dennis Winston: NO nachos for you Trey!! You screwed up BIG TIME!
Ronny: Ch'.. WHOA Dennis dude! That's no reason to keep me from having delicious nachos.
Dennis Winston: Trey, here I am with the national business paper.. It says you spent over $3 million dollars last night on a ring entrance?!?!
'LAH' Trey Reed: Did you even SEE the entrance, Dennis? Did you! It was brilliant!
Dennis Winston: Trey I get paid $78,000 a year, how dare you waste all that in one night!
'LAH' Trey Reed: Look man, chillax.. I didn't spend any money at all on the entrance!
Dennis Winston: WHAT?? If you mean you stole petty cash from Warner Music or Kinetix, we are in deep sh-
'LAH' Trey Reed: Nope! Check it, Dennis.. The cast of Always Sunny and Charlie Sheen are all my HOMIES, so they all agreed to show and perform for free. The models were sponsored by America's Next Top Model. The rest of the budget was paid for by the other sponsors; Gatorade, SmartWater, NERF, Nike, and Sony!
Ronny: Whoa, Sony Trey? What did you advertise of theirs?
'LAH' Trey Reed: They are re-releasing Blu Ray copies of Last of the Mohicans and Pee-Wee's Big Adventure.
Dennis Winston: Oh... well.. Wow Trey, this is something I really didn't see coming from you, I mean.. It's smart, it has great business sense..
'LAH' Trey Reed: It's not JUST smart Dennis, it's SmartWater! *Wink*
Ronny: Snap!
Dennis Winston: Ugh.. Look, Trey, this is still going to be a problem.. I KNOW my office is going to be getting calls all day from upset sponsors. What exactly did you promise them?
'LAH' Trey Reed: I promised them their spot ads on national tv, simple as that!
Dennis Winston: Oh no.. Trey, you moron..
'LAH' Trey Reed: What! My plan was foolproof!
Dennis Winston: Apparently not. Trey, WCF Wednesday Night isn't on National TV..
'LAH' Trey Reed: It isn't? What then, cable?
Dennis Winston: Nooo...
'LAH' Trey Reed: Local?
Dennis Winston: Trey, it's a taped, recorded and uploaded to YOUTUBE show.
'LAH' Trey Reed: WHAAAAT!!
(Trey jumps off the BIGGEST COUCH EVER and in a rage like a steroid addict flips it over!! Ronny falls on his back and jumps up in an outrage!)
Ronny: Trey bro what the H-E-Double hockey sticks!! You could've killed me!
'LAH' Trey Reed: Oh my bad dude, I'm just, SO fired up! I did all of that work for attention, not for a youTube spot! Damnit!
(Meanwhile Dennis' cell phone begins to ring, he looks at the number.)
Dennis Winston: Great! It's an executive from Gatorade! God here we go already! How am I going to handle this..
(Dennis answers the call and stomps out of the room.)
Ronny: Whoa, this is not good bro.
'LAH' Trey Reed: How many people even got to see this thing??
Ronny: Maybe we should check bro.
'LAH' Trey Reed: Right.. TO YOUTUBE! HEY G!!
(Geoffrey, having just finished cleaning up the mess of nachos, returns to the room.)
'G': Yes sir?
'LAH' Trey Reed: Bring me the internet..
(Trey begins an evil cackle, as he minces his hands together like a diabolical genius. Geoffrey leaves for a second and then comes back with a MacBook Pro, with the internet pulled up.)
'LAH' Trey Reed: This thing is the internet? I thought it was.. I dunno, bigger.
Ronny: Ch'.. Here bro, let me pull up youTube.
(Ronny takes the laptop from Trey and begins typing furiously. After a few minutes of searching-)
Ronny: EUREKA! I found the show, yo. It's broken up into several different posts, your entrance is part five and your match is part six.
'LAH' Trey Reed: Damn! How many viewers for the entrance??
Ronny: It looks like it has 3,805 views so far..
'LAH' Trey Reed: WHAT! That's it?!
Ronny: The good news is it has 1,241 thumbs up, and only 2 thumbs down.
'LAH' Trey Reed: Who the hell wouldn't LIKE that?
Ronny: According to the top comments, “Two people aren't Winning.”
'LAH' Trey Reed: HA! But damn! I need to fix this.
(Dennis hangs up his phone as he comes stomping back into the room.)
Dennis Winston: Damn right you need to! I just got off the phone and Gatorade is gonna want their $500,000 back unless you get them their promised viewership!
Ronny: But, how Trey? The show isn't on TV.
'LAH' Trey Reed: Hmm.. I know! I just need to get this youTube video up to as many views as a typical Slam! show. What is that about, Dennis?
Dennis Winston: According to them, they want at least a 2.9 Nielsen Cable Rating.
Ronny: Psh, that sounds easy bruh! What is that, 2.9 out of 10?
Dennis Winston: No... you moron.. that's 2,900,000+ households.
Ronny: Oh.. whoa..
'LAH' Trey Reed: PSHHHH, so all I gotta do is get this video on youTube at least 3 million views?
Dennis Winston: I guess I can work that around in legal jargon, and probably make that work. HOW can you do that though, Trey?
'LAH' Trey Reed: EASY! I have, like, 9 million followers on twister!
Dennis Winston: .. you mean ..Twitter?
'LAH' Trey Reed: Haha no stupid! Is.. is that what it's called?
(Dennis sighs.)
'LAH' Trey Reed: Well anyway, I'll just post a Skeet and tell people to share the link! It'll BLOW THE FUDGE UP!
Dennis Winston: You better hope this works Trey, in the meantime I am gonna be proactive and describe this problem to the sponsors.
(Dennis stomps out of the room again while picking up his phone, while Ronny begins typing furiously on the computer.)
'LAH' Trey Reed: Hey Ronny brah! Do you mind figuring out this “Twit” “ter” thing for me?
Ronny: No prob Bob! Already got it taken care of, check it!
'LAH' Trey Reed: Niiiiice, that is perfect! Now all I need to do is kick back and relax for the rest of the day..
Ronny: Wait Trey! What about your match on Sunday?
'LAH' Trey Reed: Oh yeah! But that's Sunday, shouldn't I just relax till then?
Ronny: I dunno, as your manager I think I should get you up to date on your opponent.. Check it! Here's a video of the dude's promo!
(Trey leans his head over Ronny's shoulder as they begin to watch The Disease's promo. As soon as The Disease shows up in the camera, Trey does a spit take.)
'LAH' Trey Reed: EWW!! This guy looks gross as shit Ronny.
Ronny: Chyeah! Look how he stands around all that rotten meat with no gloves!
'LAH' Trey Reed: His mask reminds me of Wicked Clown.
Ronny: That dude you killed?
'LAH' Trey Reed: *sheepishly* nooo.. the guy who died in a wrestling match against me, tee hee!
Ronny: Oh. Right. He does kind of look like a sick fuckin' clown, yo.
'LAH' Trey Reed: He looks like Wicked Clown raised from the dead.. his skin looks all rotten and stuff, worse than the dead meat hanging around him.
Ronny: God I bet he smells, like, soo bad!
'LAH' Trey Reed: Well, Chyeah, obviously Ronny.. He says he only has one friend! In the whole world!
Ronny: HA, yeah! And he won't even name the guy. I bet the guy is embarrassed to admit they are friends!
'LAH' Trey Reed: I bet the guy probably got his nose bit off by a Saigon whore so he has no sense of smell, it's gotta be the only way he could hang out with that freak!
Ronny: He says he is WCF's Nightmare?
'LAH' Trey Reed: How many nightmares does WCF have now? Enough to make a Freddy Kruger movie yet?
Ronny: This dude is just.. covered in blood.
'LAH' Trey Reed: His NAME is the Disease.. No wonder he has that name, he is just asking for E. Coli or Staph!
Ronny: He probably also has gay-HIV.
'LAH' Trey Reed: WELL, if he only hangs out with ONE person and it's a dude, that is a very likely conclusion Ronny! How the hell am I going to get to wrasslin when a dude who is PROBABLY HIV positive and has BLOOD ALL OVER HIM is my opponent?
Ronny: Hmm.. You're just gonna have to get made clean, bro!
'LAH' Trey Reed: Yeah.. I guess time to work on that aspect then, bruh.
(Trey snaps his fingers three times, and three hot Russian maids come running to the rescue.)
'LAH' Trey Reed: Olga, Inga, Tatyana! Mani, Peddi, Handsi!
(The three simultaneously begin to work his fingers, toes, and crotch region.)
Ronny: Nice! After this we're gonna need to get you sprayed down with Purell. Maybe we can order like a five gallon jug of it and have it ready for the match!
'LAH' Trey Reed: Not TOO much Ronny, we don't want this Disease guy to mistake it for lube and get any terrible sodomy ideas..
Ronny: Okay, well how about for right after the match?
'LAH' Trey Reed: Yeah, good idea.. I'm gonna need to BATHE in that stuff after this fight. You're the internet master, order me up some!
Ronny: Chyeah! You're gonna be so ready for this fight.
'LAH' Trey Reed: SOO ready! Hey Ron-dawn, before you order that, help me out and pack another load for Stone Cold Steve Bongstin!
(Trey begins to load up as the scene fades out.)