Post by FPV on Mar 6, 2012 18:57:22 GMT -5
The following "roleplay" is dedicated to Jay Price, seeing as this is his favorite joke.
"Hello, this is Mr. FPV.
It's about 4 AM right now, and the caffeine is still floating through my body. In the middle of my hyperness, I thought about some things. One, I thought about my match this Sunday at Slam, another goddamn 6-man tag. Boo. I was also thinking about this movie I saw recently called "The Aristocrats", which gives the history of one of the oldest jokes in the book. So, just to see what'll happen, I'm going to tell my version fo the joke right now for y'all to enjoy.
Okay, so A talent agent is sitting in his office, reclining back in his chair smoking a Castro-style cigar. Suddenly, there's a knock on the door. The talent agent agent says come in, and in walks in Oblivion, Night Rider, Jeff Purse, and a few of The Gathering.
The talent agent asks what they want, and Jeff Purse walks up to him and says "Sir, have we got an act for you! We'd actually love to show it to you now, if you've got the time." So the agent goes "Well, fuck I got a few minutes, show me your best." So the wrestlers (and midgets) get into the act.
To start off the act, Jeff Purse rips off his sparkly shirt and bends over backwards slightly, while members of The Gathering take out a jar of peanut butter and a knife and start spreading PB all over his chest. Once a very liberal amount is applied, Night Rider starts licking it all off very slowly and very sensualy, only interrupted when Oblivion rips off his pants and starts PIMPSLAPPING THE SHIT out of Jeff with his wang. Not like it bothers him or anything, but whatever.
So Jeff decides to get even on both these guys, so he takes off his balet shoes and starts shoving it right up Oblivions ass, in fact, he shoves it so far up that it starts comming out Oblivions mouth. To clarify, Jeff has somehow managed to shove his entire fucking leg up Oblivions ass. His dick is so close to his ass...actually, I'd prefer not to think about it, so let's get on with it.
More members of The Gathering come inside and they bring out the corpse of a recently deceased dog. I say "recently" even though most of the body has decayed, and flies are still swarming around it. The sight of death turns the heads of both Oblivion and Night Rider, and Rider rips off his leather Motley Crue pants and they start DPing the dead body, while, off in the corner, Jeff is being ass raped by about twenty members of The Gathering, who take to him like the purest, rawest form of unicorn meat, they start decimating him. By the time they've had their way with him, his ass hole is about the size of Texas. No hyperbole here folks, his asshole is literally larger then Texas.
Eventually Oblivion and Night Rider get tired of the dead dog, so they go off and mercilessly attack Jeff with the force of ten million heavyweight boxers, only using their dicks to PIMPSLAP THE SHIT out of him. However, Jeff manages to actually bite Oblivions dick, this catches him off-guard, forcing to shit his pants, allthough the problem with this is...well...he has no pants, so all the shit just goes to the floor in a very un-neat little pile. This causes night Rider, who was walking in that direction, having een done with Purse, to step on the shit, slip, and fall face first to the gorund. Taking the oppurtunity, Jeff takes the butter knife that was used to spead the PB over himself, and he shoves it right p Night Riders ass, and leaves it there, causeing Rider a serious case of anal bleeding.
Needless to say, Oblivion is not very happy that he just got cock-bitten, so he goes over to his pants pocket and takes out a fucking horrifyingly large machete, and as he goes to Jeff, about to castrate the poor soul, the agent starts screaming "OH JESUS HELP ME!" Not missing a beat, Jeff cheerfully replys "I'm glad you said that, I almost forgot! Just, a blinding light fills the room, as Jesus himself appears out of nowhere. The first thing he does is PIMPSLAP THE SHIT out of Jeff, saying "You're going to hell for this, y'know?" Jesus then goes to tthe dog, and strokes his back, the dog then begins to shake violently, before he opens his eyes, Jesus having brought him back to life, although he is now basically a zombie dog. Jesus then takes a bow and disappears.
Now, there is something that needs to be said about the dog. Y'see, this ain't no ordinary dog. This is motherfucking UNDERDOG! So Zombie-Underdog runs up to Jeff and enters his asshole, not very hard since it's been widened so much, and begins chewing on his insides, causing Jeff to cry out in pain. While this captivates the agent, meanwhile Oblivion and Night Rider are in the corner makin out. Or so it seems. Really, their trying to gnaw each others faces off, or in Oblivions case, both his face AND his mask. Eventually Oblivion bites off Night Riders lips and both his cheeks before puking in Riders face.
Jeff, Zombie-Underdog still inside, begins to cry. He crys alot. Like...he literally manages to cry a mtoherfucking river in the room, almost drowning multiple members of the gathering (thank god for open windows.) Soon, he stops crying, and then begins screaming at everyone as if his menstrual cycle just started. He then takes out a gun and points it at the talent agent. "NOW FUCKING SIGN US OR ELSE I FUCKING PULL THE TRIGGER!!!" The talent agent is both pissing himself, shitting himself, and ejaculating in fear.
Before Jeff says three, a voice shouts out "STOP!!" That is the voice of Roy Speede, who has come to stop the violence. Unfourtunatly, Jeff ends up shooting him point blank in the head, killing him instantly and in an explosion of blood and brain. Oblivion and The Gathering gather (no pun intended) around the body and stops eating it, not even leaving the bones, until nothing is left of the Scumbag.
Jeff, enraged that his fit of violence has been interrupted, decides to take his anger out on Night Rider. He takes out a rectal thermometer and shoves it up Riders ass, not knowing that the knife is still in there, shattering the thermometer and covering Riders ass in both glass and mercury. He eventualy contracts a deadly form of mercury poisoning, and dies a very slow and painful death.
Oblivion, saddened at the loss of his friend (nevermind the fact that he was fucking GNAWING HIS FACE OFF a while ago) confronts Jeff and the two begin to..."swordfight" so to speak, and the carnage is extreme. Blood starts flying everywhere, several members of The Gathering die in the carnage, the agent is being covered in many different types of fluids. Eventually both men end up killing each other in a very graphic manner, as Oblivion shoves his dick into the side of Jeffs head like a sword, killing him instantly, while Jeff grabs such a hard hold on OBlivions balls that they explode, causing Oblivion to die from massive blood (and semen) loss.
The talent agent just stands there, looking at the damage done to the building, mouth agape, not knowing what to say. He then falls onto his knees and says "Oh god, what would you name such a heinous act like this?!" Zombie-Underdog comes out of Jeffs asshole and excitedly says "THE ARISTOCRATS!"