Post by The Polar Phantasm on Jul 15, 2012 13:20:20 GMT -5
...System time is 15 Jul 12 | 13:01:42
...Alert: Less than 30 cycles until timed event.
...All programs completed. Rebooting system.
...
...
...
...System rebooted. Enter system designation:
...'Iceberg-Seven'. Is this correct? Y/N
...System designation 'Iceberg-Seven' accepted. Welcome, user 'Kid Phantasm'. What would you like to do today?
...Activating 'Pantheon' user protocols.
...Activating worldwide synchronization protocols.
...Activating voice-recognition module.
...Activating voice synthesizer.
...Activating telephone tools.
...Iceberg-Seven idle.
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"Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck." - The Dalai Lama
"Master of puppets I'm pulling your strings
Twisting your mind and smashing your dreams
Blinded by me, you can't see a thing
Just call my name, 'cause I'll hear you scream..." - Metallica, Master of Puppets
"Many fine books have been written in prison." -Hunter S. Thompson, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas
[In this, perhaps the single most demanding week of Kid Phantasm's life, we've seen him log more road miles than Mad Max and Clark W. Griswold combined. This morning he woke up in Denmark, one of three Pantheon members who fought bravely but in vain in XIII's 'Monarch of the Mat' tournament... woke up, in fact, to find out that he'd be spending his restful day of transit instead rushing down to New Orleans to pick up a last-minute booking. A booking so sudden, in fact, that it'd seem suspicious to anyone who'd had their druthers. After three days of smoking with Purse and Reb, training with Corey Black and Jeff Purse and staying up late at night playing poker with the gang, Kid Phantasm certainly is not one of those druthers-possessing types. Perhaps that's why he doesn't see the wrecking ball swinging at him? After all, GEW's not just home anymore, Kid... it's home to whatever Seth Lerch tells it to be home to.]
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KID PHANTASM #21: "Kidtrapping"
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[Scene: WCF Corporate Offices (Oley, Pennsylvania); more specifically, the office of Seth Lerch. In an official capacity, this office serves as the hub for all decisions which affect WCF outside (and sometimes inside) the ring. Unofficially, however, this office serves as a place where a faction of WCF makes its plans... a faction known as the Darkside of Treachery. Seth sits behind his desk, his tie hanging on the back of his lavish office chair and his work-shirt unbuttoned, having what appears to be a cocktail of some sort in a highball glass. In his office are three men known for being ruthless as well as timeless and hardcore as well as hard to kill... dressed in their 'visiting the offices' finery are the tag team of Bishop and Priest, DoT's enforcers and their team captain, WCF Legend and Hall of Famer Gravedigger.]
Gravedigger: XIII was a joke, Seth. You didn't miss much.
Lerch: I never do, man. I saw the whole thing live and laughed at it. Literally - my sister and Fly as the commentary team? Jesus. Who called in sick? I know one of them was on the B-list for the show, and I'm not sure which.
Gravedigger: Yeah, and I didn't really get much of a crack at the Kid. It's a shame, too... he's always talking about how he's looking for an education. I was just gonna give him one.
Lerch: He's nowhere near the worst, even- look at this fuckin' Tommy Kain I gotta deal with. Running around here drunk and talking out the side of his mouth like he was Jay Fucking Price or somebody!
Gravedigger: He's not even close. And I hate that I just said that.
Lerch: I put him up against Spector thinking that Gein might give him a run, but I haven't even seen that asshole around for half a month now at least... ugh. Now we'll have that goat-loving piece of crap as a Hardcore Champion.
Gravedigger: If only there was a way to put those two both in the jackpot-
Lerch: Who, Spector?
Gravedigger: No, Kain and the Kid.
Lerch: Oh, those two - way ahead of you. Just to fuck with Kid, I booked him and Kain tonight in New Orleans and texted him about it while he was flying back from Europe. He'll get the message when he hits the Airport, probably in Atlanta. I had word sent to Kain this morning... if you head out now, you might even beat them there.
Bishop: So are we-
Priest: -booked in New Orleans too?
Gravedigger: No, I see what he's saying... Seth's booked them in a little matinee match the night before Slam just to catch 'em sleeping. All we've gotta do is wait for them to finish tearing each other apart and then we can just step on them like the pieces of shit they are.
Lerch: ...that's sick, man.
Gravedigger: Oh. You get what I mean.
Bishop: So what do you-
Priest: -want us to do, boss?
Lerch: Fuck it. Destroy the whole place if you have to. Kill 'em all. Maybe I'll find a decent use for GEW yet - greenlight problem 'superstars', send 'em down there and have their wings clipped.
Gravedigger: It'll be a pleasure putting 'em down... if nothing else, it'll mean one less workout I gotta get in before I tangle with Oblivion.
[Cut to outside: as we watch the Darkside leaving the building and getting into a Cadillac Blackwood, we see that someone in the foreground is watching them. Someone who, from behind, looks suspiciously familiar. He turns and the screen goes black as if swallowed by the abyss itself.]
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[Scene: Hartsfield-Jackson Atlanta International Airport (Atlanta, Georgia); more specifically, the international terminal. Kid Phantasm, Johnny Reb, Jeff Purse and Kari all stand leaning up against a wall, waiting on their bags to come out of check. Crowds of people stand around staring at viewing screens, and other crowds push to get to their bags; these four, though, don't seem to be staring off anywhere specifically. They're just staring.]
Kari: I'm tired.
[Kid begins laughing hysterically.]
Phantasm: You can say that again, sister.
Reb: I had a fun time. Shame none of us won the match, but them's the breaks. You guys at least have fun?
[Purse and Phantasm both groan.]
Reb: What? You guys get airsick or something?
Purse: I'm still having nightmares about the dungeon.
Kari: Don't start - you know you're just doing it to yourself. It's all over. The bad man is gone now.
[Kid Phantasm rubs his eyes, manually adjusting out of his thousand-yard stare. He turns to Reb in confidence.]
Phantasm: Corey Black decided since Purse and I were the low men on the totem pole in that tournament, he'd give us a little bit of training in his dungeon.
[Reb looks shocked.]
Reb: NO!
Phantasm: Ow.
Reb: Shit. I c'n only imagine what that musta looked like...
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[Scene: Pantheon Scandinavian Base Camp (Corey Black's castle 'Dethfort', Funen, Denmark); three days ago. In the torchlit dungeon of the castle, we can see that Corey Black has Jeff Purse strapped into a (literal) torture rack. Kid Phantasm is pushing a giant wooden dynamo. Corey Black, wearing his old 'Creeping Death' outfit (in celebration of his favorite time of the year, XIII) is shouting at the two of them while holding a heavy mace.]
Black: This is what I'm talking about! Purse, your flexibility is for shit compared to your competition! We're gonna stretch you out until you can do yoga like you was Dhalsim from Street Fighter II. Phantasm, get it in gear! What are you, a fuckin' featherweight over there?
Phantasm: Having trouble breathing, man - the air down here smells like shrooms taste and I keep gagging on it!
Black: Fuckin' pussy. When I won the World Title I had six cough and cold ailments and I still had a herniated disc from carrying my fucking tag team partner all year. Either of you had that shit yet? Didn't think so. You didn't hear me complain, no sir.
Phantasm: But that was like, fifty years ago, man!
Black: Dude, I'm not even fifty- I mean pipe down, jackass! You want to win, you listen and keep your mouth shut!
[Corey Black swings his mace haphazardly; Kid Phantasm ducks it and it sails over his head.]
Phantasm: Dude, this sucks!
[Kid looks over to his tag team partner, who is sweating buckets. Purse creaks out an answer in a horrified tone.]
Purse: No shit dude - I just saw a rat!
[Phantasm's face contorts with surprise... until he realizes that to Jeff Purse, the real horror here is how dingy this place is.]
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[Cut back to the Airport]
Reb: Wow. Why ain't I get an invite to that? Trainin' in a real-life dungeon. Huh. Showing up Stu Hart... yeah, that'd be Corey Black.
Purse: You would WANT to do that? The dungeon was so... ugh! I need a shower just thinking about it...
Phantasm: Reb's hardcore.
Reb: Shit, boys... no pain no gain, right? 'sides, if you train in a midevil castle's dungeon you're given full license to tell people you'll get 'midevil' on their asses. It'd be a proven fact in the public domain.
Kari: It ended up working out, though. Right guys?
Purse: Yeah, Corey's dungeon also has a taffy factory in it.
Reb: A what?!
Phantasm: But even that ended up sucking for me. I ate like ten pounds of taffy... my gastro-intestional tract is like the La Brea tar pits right now.
[Three loud and simultaneous groans of 'ewww' cause most of the concourse to look up at the Pantheon members, some pointing and shouting to them (in all manners of positive or negative feedback.) Phantasm digs his phone out of his pocket, switching it out of 'airplane mode' - it immediately sounds a tone.]
Phantasm: Hmm... I got a message over the Atlantic. Either of you guys get a message?
[Purse and Reb both look for cellphones, checking them- neither have a message. They shrug to the Kid, who's already begun studying his smartphone's small screen.]
Phantasm: Shit! I've got Tommy Kain tonight in New Orleans!
Purse: What? Wait, how?
Phantasm: Seth's part owner of GEW now... I guess he forgot I was in Europe and booked me on their show. Shit, it's a good thing we made time on the way here... I gotta run and get my flight switched to New Orleans!
[Kid snatches his bag from the carousel, turning to Purse, Reb and Kari]
Phantasm: One of you - if you don't hear from me by Sunday morning, head down to New Orleans looking for me. And bring bail money! Hell or high water, I'm making it to Slam...
[As the Kid storms off without waiting for an answer, Reb and Purse look to each other]
Purse: You wanna be on Kid-bail watch? You got the time machine and all, uh...
Reb: I lent my time machine out this week, kimosabe. That 'uns all you.
Purse: Crap. What are the chances he goes to jail anyway, 10%?
Reb: He'll be down there with Tommy Kain. It is New Orleans, after all-
Purse: ...good point. I'll call Fly tonight and see if I can borrow his helicopter.
[Kari picks up one of their bags; as Purse goes to pick the other up, Reb quietly asks...]
Reb: A taffy factory? Really?
[Kari laughs as Purse shakes his head in disgust.]
Kari: Yeah, I know... but the taffy's delicious.
Purse: YOU ATE IT? UGH!!! I... SAW... A... RAT IN THERE. I... UGH, I KISSED YOU THIS MORNING!
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[Scene: GEW Arena (Marrero, Louisiana); more specifically, at ringside for the main event. The crowd is jacked up after watching a massive three-way dance between visiting talent from Mexico (one of the many things Ricky Richards' newfound connections have given to the once-slumping GEW - Seth's rolodex.) The bell rings as the ring announcer Richard Vranch enters the ring.]
Boomer Brown: What a night it's been here in the GEW Arena, fans... and what a main event we've got, seemingly from out of nowhere here tonight!
Buford Pine: Well over in the WCF both of these fellas have title fights on tomorrow's Slam... but we're lucky enough to get to see 'em here tonight against each other!
["Clock" by Beck hits the PA as the crowd goes crazy.]
Richard Vranch: The following contest is scheduled for one fall! Making his way to the ring at this time... from New Antarctica, Nevada, weighing in at 215 pounds... KID PHANTASM!
[Kid Phantasm sprints from backstage, slapping hands maniacally as he dashes towards the ring. He jumps up onto the apron, then springs over the top rope and into the ring. His landing, though, reveals how sore he really is. It's barely noticable, but Kid sucks in a little breath as he regains his countenance and gets back to amping himself up for the fight to come.]
Boomer Brown: Kid Phantasm literally JUST got off of a plane from Europe, where he was in the Monarch at the Mat tournament on last night's XIII show... and after this show, one would assume he'll be jumping on the first plane back up to Pennsylvania to prepare for what should be an incredible People's Title match between the Kid and his old buddy Kira Sakazaki.
Buford Pine: It's hard to talk about either of those two without mentioning the other, Boomer - there's just too many comparisons you can make between 'em. Hard to pick in that fight... 'course, Kira probly ain't sheddin' any tears when he finds out the Kid got booked to take on this guy down here tonight-
["Still Counting" by Volbeat his the PA and the crowd goes crazy.]
Boomer Brown: And here he comes.
Richard Vranch: And his opponent... from Indianapolis, Indiana... weighing in at 228 pounds, TOMMY KAIN!
[From behind the curtain, Tommy Kain comes out dressed in his wrestling attire and carrying a bottle of green-label Evan Williams. As he stops in the middle of the entrance ramp to take a large swig from the bottle, the GEW Arena crowd begin chanting "WE WANT GOAT! WE WANT GOAT!"]
Boomer Brown: Tommy Kain is as hot a property as you'll find in the Wrestling Championship Federation, and is almost a lock to win the WCF Hardcore Title tomorrow night at Slam - Night of Champions! Luckily for us here in GEW, for at least the next 20 minutes or so... we've got 'im!
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Tommy Kain vs. Kid Phantasm
Referee: Clive Anderson
Boomer Brown: There's the bell, the match has started... Kain's still jawing with the fans and sipping from that bottle- and here comes the Kid! He's used to how we do business here in GEW, and he's giving Tommy Kain an on-hands tutorial! Phantasm with a knee-lift now after a flurry of punches... Kid off the ropes, Kain hops right over him... back-elbow from Kain... Kain with one leg over the- JUST DROPS KID PHANTASM ONTO HIS FACE... and takes another sip from that bottle of green-label!
Buford Pine: Man, this guy reminds me of my Uncle Pete. Just... just throwin' that out there. Miss you, Uncle Pete. Cousin Jenny's still terrified of you, even though y're dead.
Boomer Brown: Kain's got the Kid up now... irish whip to the corner-reversal! Kain comes flying in... here comes the Kid! Spinning heel kick connects, Kid Phantasm flies up and over to the apron, barely catching himself!
Buford Pine: Jet lag is a bitch, Boom.
Boomer Brown: Jet lag and a week from hell! Phantasm's in the corner outside, grabbing Kain by the ankles - OH MY GOD, just crotches him on the steel ring-post! Tommy Kain rolls to the outside clutching his groin, and Kid Phantasm takes a bow for the crowd!
Buford Pine: It's a credit to the Kid that he's up and about after that brutal tournament match in Norway... I don't expect we'll see too many theatrics from the Kid tonight, but he might surprise me. He's certainly bringin' it to Kain, that's for sure.
Boomer Brown: Kid's got Kain now... he's signalling for a fan to hold up his chair- oh no. Phantasm's got Kain cinched up for-SLINGSHOT INTO SOME FAN'S CHAIR!
Crowd: G-E-W! G-E-W! G-E-W!
Boomer Brown: Kid Phantasm showing all of us what great fans we've got here in the GEW Arena, and he gets one of them in on the act to boot. He's tossing that fan's chair in the ring now-
Buford Pine: -depriving that fan of his seat. For shame, Kid Phantasm. For shame.
Boomer Brown: The Kid's rolling Tommy Kain into the ring now, with plans for that chair I'm sure... Kid Phantasm up to the apron, now... springboard into... misses the dropkick! Tommy Kain was getting up and just shoved Kid Phantasm right off the mark, Kid lands on his hip-
Buford Pine: He's feelin' that one, Boom.
Boomer Brown: Kid P looks haggard, folks. Kain's up and ready, Kid's up and unsteady... Kain's got that chair- AND HE JUST GIVES IT TO THE KID! (in a Kenny Mayne voice) HOME-RUN.
Buford Pine: That's the kinda swing it takes to be Hardcore Champion in any fed, Boomer-
Boomer Brown: Kain just pasted the Kid's face with a steel chair, and the Kid's counting sheep... Kain's got him up- over his shoulder and onto the turnbuckles- feet first!
Buford Pine: Kain's tying Kid Phantasm to the old Tree of Woe, Boom- this don't look good for the Kid at all.
Boomer Brown: Kid's got a chair in his face- Kain's charges in with a... HUGE dropkick, you could hear that one across the arena! Kid Phantasm is out, folks.
Buford Pine: Tommy Kain's gotta take the ugly win and just put the Kid down here- it could come back to bite him later if he doesn't!
Boomer Brown: I think Tommy Kain's looking to seal it - he's opening that chair up mid-ring like he's either about to use it or sit down and think it out, one of the two! He's got the Kid now, irish whip- JUMPING DDT ONTO THE OPEN CHAIR- GOOD NIGHT, KID PHANTASM! Kain with the lateral press, this is over- 1...2...KID PHANTASM! Kid kicks out at 2 1/2, unbelievable!
Buford Pine: The Kid's showing me something right there, Boom- even as tired as he is, even after the beating he's taking-
Boomer Brown: Kain doesn't seem to know what to do, now- looks like he's setting the Kid up for some sort of double-underhook move... Kid's resisting, though... Kid Phantasm with the back-drop! Kid's got a second wind, it looks like- he's got that chair, still with the indentation of his face on it- and pays Tommy Kain right back with it!
Buford Pine: Tommy Kain had his shot; he took it and he just barely missed. Kid Phantasm mighta lucked out again, Boom.
Boomer Brown: I don't know if you can call a beating like this 'lucky' for either man- they've both got title fights tomorrow night! Kid Phantasm whips Tommy Kain into the ropes - catches him with a huge back kick to the jaw! Kid with the cover- 1...2- 2 count only, Kain kicks out with authority!
Buford Pine: You can hear this crowd applauding, Boom- they're likin' what they're seeing out of this Tommy Kain, for sure.
Boomer Brown: Kid Phantasm cinches Kain's leg-
Buford Pine: Goin' for the Ice Cap, Boomer- if he hits this, it's OVER.
Boomer Brown: Kid with the Ice Cap on Tommy Kain! This'll be it, folks- cover! 1...2...3-NO? NO! KAIN KICKED- TOMMY KAIN JUST KICKED OUT OF THE ICE CAP! Kid Phantasm can't believe this... WHAT THE HELL?!
Buford Pine: That's the Darkside! That's WCF's Darkside, Boom- check it out, that's GRAVEDIGGER! HOOOO-BOY!
Boomer Brown: Bishop and Priest are in the ring now - DDTs on Kain and Phantasm both! Priest throws Kain into a figure-four leg-lock, no love lost between those two - Bishop's got the easiest shot he's ever gonna get on Kid Phantasm, and he takes it! Bishop nearly takes Kid P's head off with a lariat, and- GRAVEDIGGER! I thought you were kidding, Buford!
Crowd: HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT!
Boomer Brown: OH MY GOD! Gravedigger makes his GEW Arena debut alongside Bishop and Priest, and the first thing he does is give Kid Phantasm a Death Driver onto a chair. Welcome to GEW, Gravedigger!
Buford Pine: I don't think he even wants a welcome- 'Digger's here to show us what the Epitome of Hardcore is all about.
Boomer Brown: Bishop and Priest now manhandling Tommy Kain- double brainbuster by the Darkside! It looks like- Gravedigger's got a mic!
Gravedigger: First of all, what the hell was this shit the fans have been subjected to all night…GEW? It’s sad that the highlight of the night was when yours truly stormed down from the back and took out those two scum-sucking leeches Kid Phantasm and Tommy Kain. Hey Tommy, you had been asking for a while to get in the ring with me and I guess you finally got your wish. Too bad you were laid on your back by the time I got here, then again your WCF career has had you laying on your back most of the time anyway.
As for you Kid Phantasm, that was just another message from the Darkside of Treachery to you Pantheon assholes that we’re better than you. Speaking of being better, your boy Jeff Purse better not be getting used to his US title. He may have gotten past me the other week, but he won’t get past Synn tomorrow night and I can guarantee that! The match of the night though is going to be the Barbed Wire Massacre match.
Oblivion, you wanted a piece of me once more?! Then fine, you’re going to get another piece of me in Pennsylvania at Night of the Champions. It’s ironic that the biggest match of the night, at least in my opinion, is going to be a non-title match. It’s going to be the match of the night because it’s going to be your last, Oblivion. Bring your Gathering, bring your Vixens, bring your Pet. Bring them all so they can witness the burial of their master, Oblivion!
[Gravedigger lowers the mic and smirks out at the crowd as they boo him mercilessly.]
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[Scene: GEW Arena, backstage; more specifically, the sound-board. A sound tech sits patiently waiting for the match to end so he can cue the right music, confused as to exactly what's taking place... he looks to his left as a shadow approaches. It speaks to him in a voice most alluring... and disgusting.]
Voice: Play the 'Nightmare' music. It finds it most appropriate...
[The sound tech gulps and presses a few buttons, causing the lights in the GEW Arena to cut off... and "Burn" by Nine Inch Nails to echo over the PA.]
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Boomer Brown: Now what- OH MY GOD.
Crowd: G-E-W! G-E-W! G-E-W!
Boomer Brown: The moment Kid Phantasm has been hoping for is here, and it's in the GEW Arena- the return of...
[The lights come on, and standing across from Gravedigger in the ring is not Nightmare... but a nightmare of a different sort.]
Boomer Brown: ...THAT'S NOT NIGHTMARE...
Buford Pine: ...IT'S OBLIVION!
[The crowd goes absolutely wild.]
Crowd: HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT!
Boomer Brown: Do not adjust your sets, you are watching Global Extreme Wrestling... even if Seth Lerch has turned this show into a commercial for WCF's Night of Champions, I can't complain! At this very moment, standing across that very ring from each other are Oblivion and Gravedigger, both in the GEW Arena on an unusually historic night! Gravedigger with the clothesline, Oblivion ducks, headbutt to Digger, Digger's in the ropes... Oblivion with the clothesline- and they tumble to the floor! Oblivion wasting no time taking it to Gravedigger, irish whip right into the steel guardrail... and he charges in with a knee-lift! Digger's sucking wind against the railing, and- oh no! OH NO! Oblivion's after Kid Phantasm, he smells blood-
Buford Pine: I can't believe I forgot that Kain and Phantasm were still wrestling a match here, Boom- I saw Obi and Digger and I forgot what show we were watching here!
Boomer Brown: You can say that again, Buford- Obi's hot after the Kid, now... TOMMY KAIN CATCHES OBLIVION AROUND THE RINGPOST WITH A CLOTHESLINE, OBI EATS THE FLOOR! Oblivion just went down like a six-pack!
Buford Pine: Kain could drop a 12-pack that easy, Boom- just look at 'im. He's a keg with appendages.
Boomer Brown: Tommy Kain sees Bishop and Priest coming back for more and- he's got the Kid over one shoulder, and he's climbing into the audience! Tommy Kain's saving Kid Phantasm like a god-damn damsel in distress-
Buford Pine: He's carryin' him out like it's the jungles of 'Nam!
Boomer Brown: That might be more appropriate, Buford- Kain and Phantasm both said they wanted some of Gravedigger, and they got it- they just didn't count on the timing, or what hell that might bring with it! Bishop and Priest are headed backstage, maybe hoping to cut Kain and the Kid off, we might even see an ending to this match, folks!
Buford Pine: Kain might also be blind drunk and just think he's saving his tag team partner at this point. When he finds out Kid's not Johnny Stylez he might kick him out on the freeway.
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[Scene: GEW Arena parking lot. The cypress tree lots behind the GEW Arena sing with life, though none of it human- all of that's inside screaming at the top of its lungs at Oblivion and Gravedigger. Tommy Kain carries Kid Phantasm over one shoulder, jogging at a fairly brisk pace; Kid doesn't seem to be enjoying the ride much.]
Phantasm: Tommy... thank you, shit-
Kain: Oh, shit. You're not Johnny Stylez, are you... did I kidnap somebody?
Phantasm: It's me, man- Kid P.
Kain: Shit, which one of us won?
Phantasm: If we get out of here, we both did- look for a silver Buick. That's my rental car. Keys are in my pocket; I'll pass 'em to you. Or you could just put me down.
Kain: No time- shit might explode like the Death Star. If it's like that, I'm driving... trust me. I always aim right down the middle.
Phantasm: ...the middle of what, Tommy?
Kain: Oh, I see two o' everything. So I just aim at the middle and it works out.
Phantasm: ...glad to know that, man, even though that might suck for you later. Ow!
[Kain accidentally bumps the Kid's head as he climbs into the car (with Kid still over his shoulder.)]
Kain: Sorry.
[Two minutes later the car roars out of the parking lot, tearing through a yellow light and blasting down Highway 90 as fast as a mid-market American luxury car can go.]
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[Ten minutes later, across the toll plaza in downtown New Orleans... we see the same car, stationary. We see the same two wrestlers, both in handcuffs on the sidewalk.]
Policeman: So you guys get in a fight or what? You're both covered in blood, for christ's sake. You guys been breakin' in houses, or-
Policeman II: I found a bag of marijuana in the center console.
Policeman: Driving 90 miles an hour, drunk, down Claiborne Avenue with a bag of illicit narcotics, looking like y'all just busted out of someplace. You two have anything to say for yourselves before we book you downtown?
[From their prone positions on the sidewalk, Kid and Tommy look at each other.]
Phantasm: Obviously neither of you guys are professional wrestling fans.
[Kain cracks up in laughter.]
Policeman: What's that supposed to mean? You two high on some shit?
[Both Kain and Phantasm crack up. The policeman clicks on his radio.]
Policeman: I got two real jokers comin' down there... better pick 'em out a nice spot on the reservation. They might be dusted.
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[Scene: GEW Arena, backstage; more specifically, a hallway towards the outside. Bishop and Priest run around a corner, in full pursuit (they believe) of Kid Phantasm and Tommy Kain... though to their credit, they've never been in this building before. Kid Phantasm used to (literally) live here.]
Bishop: There are like four exits-
Priest: -and I don't see which way they went.
Bishop: There's so much blood...
Priest: ...crusted in these carpets...
Bishop: ...too hard to tell...
Priest: ...which blood is theirs!
[From behind the unholy pair comes a deep-voiced cough. Bishop and Priest turn to see Cornelius Casanova and the 'Emerald Prince', GEW's Mothership Connection.]
Cornelius: You jive turkeys want a fight? In our house? I'm disrespected you didn't step to us first.
Prince: Especially considerin' y'all ain't shit. If you're gonna discriminate, at least be worth a fuck.
[Cornelius and the Prince charge the Darkside and the four begin brawling in the hallway. Priest gets slammed into the painted brick wall, and Bishop right behind him. Cornelius and the Prince high-five elaborately.]
Cornelius: That's right, Mothership Connection-
Prince: -Black by Popular Demand.
[Behind the posing duo of handsome young black men, two ghastly white men rise.]
Cornelius: Let's take out the trash.
[Casanova and Prince turn and receive massive haymakers to the jaw, knocking the two out cold.]
Bishop: These two were onto something-
Priest: -about taking out trash.
[The two pick up their fallen opponents and drag them unceremoniously towards a sign reading 'LOADING BAY'.]
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[Meanwhile, back in the ring!]
Boomer Brown: Oblivion whips Gravedigger in, Digger catches himself- SPEARS OBLIVION TO THE CANVAS! GRAVEDIGGER'S ALIVE AND WELL AND THE GEW FANS ARE LOVING THIS MATCH!
Buford Pine: These two have a barbed-wire-ropes match against each other tomorrow, Boomer- looks like we're getting a preview here in GEW!
Boomer Brown: Gravedigger's got an arsenal of ways he can take out an opponent, fans- sinching Oblivion up here, powerslam maybe... running powersl-
*smash*
Boomer Brown: OH MY GOD!
Crowd: G-E-W! G-E-W! G-E-W!
Boomer Brown: Gravedigger just dumps Oblivion out of the ring with some sort of running powerslam, right through the timekeeper's table!!! Gravedigger might have won this battle here tonight, fans- he's certainly acting like he has, as he's already headed up the ramp in disgust at this crowd and that unintentional run-in with Oblivion.
Buford Pine: Though he may be sick of these people, they're certainly loving him - it's not every day they see a WCF legend in the ring around here, much less two!
Boomer Brown: AND HERE COMES OBLIVION! HE'S GOT A PIECE OF TABLE- MY GOD! He just smashes that broken piece of pressboard table over Gravedigger's head like it's a twig! Gravedigger got blind-sided, and- OBLIVION WITH A DDT ONTO THE RAMP! Obi's back again, not letting Gravedigger even take his leave! Obi's on top of the Epitome of Hardcore, fists flying-OH NO... Digger with a hand on Oblivion's throat... Mighty Gravedigger rises! Oblivion's screwed now... cinching him up for a Respecto maybe- OFF THE RAMP TO THE CONCRETE FLOOR, OH MY GOD!
Crowd: HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT!
Boomer Brown: We may not know who won that Tommy Kain-Kid Phantasm match, but in the first GEW battle between Oblivion and Gravedigger, it's Gravedigger who picks up the win with authority. Oblivion's laid out on cold concrete and he's not moving, folks.
Buford Pine: What a night it's been, Boom!
Boomer Brown: I'll say... in fact, I'll say it now! It's been a hell of a night, folks, but that's it for us- on behalf of Clive Anderson, Richard Vranch and Buford Pine, I'm Boomer Brown saying good night for Global Extreme Wrestling! Good night.
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[Scene: Orleans Parish Prison (New Orleans, Louisiana); more specifically, a little cage inside of an area called 'the Drunk Tank'. Kid Phantasm lays on the top rack of an orange metal bunk... Tommy Kain lays on the bottom rack of the bunk, blowing into a harmonica we're not sure how he got. (Editor's note: I'm still not sure how that fucking harmonica showed up, but I'm glad it did.) Kain blows a blues riff, waiting expectantly; Kid Phantasm's heavy-lidded eyes open as if commanded.]
Phantasm: Got run out of the Arena...
[Kain blows another blues riff.]
Phantasm: ...by a bunch of masked and painted freaks...
[Kain blows another blues riff]
Phantasm: Now I'm staring at this jailhouse wall, countin' all these nasty cum-streaks...
Kain: ...my bad.
Phantasm: I got the blues...
[Kain blows a long blues chord, stretching it out.]
Phantasm: Oh yeah, we got the blues up in here, y'all.
[From down the corridor, the authoritative voice of a guard barks out.]
Policeman: Hey Muddy Waters, shut the fuck up already down there before we spray you down!
Kain: You already hosed us off once, Sarge!
Phantasm: Hey man, give me my phone call- I think we can get a fuckin' record deal down here!
Policeman: Yeah, yeah - next time I hear that shit blowin' I'm comin' in there with the pepper spray.
Kain: I miss my goat, man.
[Kid laughs a bit, expecting a joke... then stops as he notices Kain isn't also laughing. After a bit of silence, Kid tries to open a dialogue.]
Phantasm: You did it up big tonight in there, man- kicking out of the Ice Cap? Didn't know you had it in you, bro.
Kain: I did what? I mean, I did. Showed you, didn't I?
Phantasm: You sure did, man. But you know... the more I think about it, the more I think something was up with that match...
Kain: I drank a fifth before I got to New Orleans. Everything's a little blurry past that.
Phantasm: I mean with the match itself, man... we both get thrown on out of nowhere, and when we show up fuckin' Gravedigger's waiting for us? Gravedigger. In GEW? Something big was up with that match.
Kain: Shit, I been askin' for a shot at 'Digger-
Phantasm: Exactly. You got what you wanted when you least expected it, right upside the face. Who does that sound like to you?
[Both men respond to Phantasm's question.]
Both: Seth Lerch.
[They get quiet and all thoughtful-like for a second. Phantasm farts.]
Phantasm: Sorry about that, man... I'm still not right from all that taffy.
Kain: Good thing I told my goat to come bail us out.
Phantasm: Heh. Good thing for both of us I also asked Purse to come bail me out. I'll have him post for you, too - hopefully neither of us misses Slam.
Kain: Shit, good thing BOTH of us planned on getting arrested. Goat's most likely takin' that bail money to the track.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
[Scene: GEW Arena, backstage; more specifically, the loading dock. Bishop and Priest drag a large rolling janitorial cart with two unconscious black men stuffed inside of it. They roll it over to the doors, pulling them open and dragging the cart outside.]
Bishop: This garbage stinks like-
Priest: -four hundred pounds of failure.
[As they see Gravedigger approach, Bishop and Priest tip the cart into a dumpster off of the loading dock, spilling the Mothership into the massive trash recepticle behind the GEW Arena. We notice that off in the shadows, a man in a red vestment watches the two men as they high-five Gravedigger and begin walking towards their Cadillac, celebrating a job well-done.]
Bystander: The false prophets do their work, this time where none can see... an odd development. Normally false prophets do their work in the public eye... better to be mistaken as true prophets. Thus says the book.
[As we see that the voyeuristic man is clutching a black-bound tome with both hands as if it means the world to him, we also see a shadow creeping up behind him... a large shadow.]
Bystander: Praise be to the god of blood... praise be to the god of suffering.
Voice: IT WILL MAKE YOU PRAISE IT WITH YOUR SCREAMS!
[The man in red vestments turns to see Oblivion not a foot behind him, two crazed eyes gazing from behind a mask as few eyes can.]
Bystander: Praise be- praise be to the chosen and promised one. Praise be to him... as he is you.
Oblivion: IT!
Bystander: You, who are the vessel chosen to end this world! It calls itself Oblivion. It is the chosen... I'd be a fool to think otherwise.
Oblivion: MY GAZE SHOULD SHAKE YOUR VERY SOUL WITH TERROR... DO YOU NOT FEAR OBLIVION!?
Bystander: Master, why would I fear what I have foretold all these years? You are the anti-rapture... It is Oblivion, and I am Its faithful servant.
Oblivion: What is your name, man of faith?
Bystander: Andrew Warhawk, master. They call me 'Archbishop Andy' in this place, not realizing how close they come to the truth-
Oblivion: The truth they shall learn then, and from you... for the Oblivion has come! For Kid Phantasm, for Gravedigger... for all of them! All of the world shall know! You shall be my herald, Warhawk- you shall be my 'Crimson Prophet'.
[Warhawk makes a pleasured face as he touches his black tome to his forehead; he pulls it away with a dark glare in his eyes.]
Warhawk: Yes, master. As the book says, "...the dark times began, as the abyss claimed its dark riders..."
Oblivion: The end of days are nigh and it's time for the masses to embrace their new Messiah... OBLIVION!! Bow down, my Crimson Prophet!! Go out, spread the word. OBLIVION IS HERE!! MANY CHANGES WILL HAVE TO BE MADE!! The Dark Times are coming and ALL need to hear my voice!! Come to Oblivion if you want your soul to be saved. If not, you will be cast aside!! Go on... Warhawk, my Crimson Prophet. Go on and spread The Gospel of Oblivion!!
[...and just like that, Oblivion took another soul. The silent sway of the cypress forest behind the GEW arena was penetrated by the noises of insects, but none else would bear witness to the transformation... and the beginning of who knows what.]
[(c) Wrestling Championship Federation 2012. Footage courtesy of Global Extreme Wrestling 2012. The views of Kid Phantasm (or any of the people who showed up in this shit) are not those of WCF, GEW or any of their sponsors or affiliates. All rights reserved.]
...Alert: Less than 30 cycles until timed event.
...All programs completed. Rebooting system.
...
...
...
...System rebooted. Enter system designation:
...'Iceberg-Seven'. Is this correct? Y/N
...System designation 'Iceberg-Seven' accepted. Welcome, user 'Kid Phantasm'. What would you like to do today?
...Activating 'Pantheon' user protocols.
...Activating worldwide synchronization protocols.
...Activating voice-recognition module.
...Activating voice synthesizer.
...Activating telephone tools.
...Iceberg-Seven idle.
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"Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck." - The Dalai Lama
"Master of puppets I'm pulling your strings
Twisting your mind and smashing your dreams
Blinded by me, you can't see a thing
Just call my name, 'cause I'll hear you scream..." - Metallica, Master of Puppets
"Many fine books have been written in prison." -Hunter S. Thompson, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas
[In this, perhaps the single most demanding week of Kid Phantasm's life, we've seen him log more road miles than Mad Max and Clark W. Griswold combined. This morning he woke up in Denmark, one of three Pantheon members who fought bravely but in vain in XIII's 'Monarch of the Mat' tournament... woke up, in fact, to find out that he'd be spending his restful day of transit instead rushing down to New Orleans to pick up a last-minute booking. A booking so sudden, in fact, that it'd seem suspicious to anyone who'd had their druthers. After three days of smoking with Purse and Reb, training with Corey Black and Jeff Purse and staying up late at night playing poker with the gang, Kid Phantasm certainly is not one of those druthers-possessing types. Perhaps that's why he doesn't see the wrecking ball swinging at him? After all, GEW's not just home anymore, Kid... it's home to whatever Seth Lerch tells it to be home to.]
---------------------------------------------------
KID PHANTASM #21: "Kidtrapping"
---------------------------------------------------
[Scene: WCF Corporate Offices (Oley, Pennsylvania); more specifically, the office of Seth Lerch. In an official capacity, this office serves as the hub for all decisions which affect WCF outside (and sometimes inside) the ring. Unofficially, however, this office serves as a place where a faction of WCF makes its plans... a faction known as the Darkside of Treachery. Seth sits behind his desk, his tie hanging on the back of his lavish office chair and his work-shirt unbuttoned, having what appears to be a cocktail of some sort in a highball glass. In his office are three men known for being ruthless as well as timeless and hardcore as well as hard to kill... dressed in their 'visiting the offices' finery are the tag team of Bishop and Priest, DoT's enforcers and their team captain, WCF Legend and Hall of Famer Gravedigger.]
Gravedigger: XIII was a joke, Seth. You didn't miss much.
Lerch: I never do, man. I saw the whole thing live and laughed at it. Literally - my sister and Fly as the commentary team? Jesus. Who called in sick? I know one of them was on the B-list for the show, and I'm not sure which.
Gravedigger: Yeah, and I didn't really get much of a crack at the Kid. It's a shame, too... he's always talking about how he's looking for an education. I was just gonna give him one.
Lerch: He's nowhere near the worst, even- look at this fuckin' Tommy Kain I gotta deal with. Running around here drunk and talking out the side of his mouth like he was Jay Fucking Price or somebody!
Gravedigger: He's not even close. And I hate that I just said that.
Lerch: I put him up against Spector thinking that Gein might give him a run, but I haven't even seen that asshole around for half a month now at least... ugh. Now we'll have that goat-loving piece of crap as a Hardcore Champion.
Gravedigger: If only there was a way to put those two both in the jackpot-
Lerch: Who, Spector?
Gravedigger: No, Kain and the Kid.
Lerch: Oh, those two - way ahead of you. Just to fuck with Kid, I booked him and Kain tonight in New Orleans and texted him about it while he was flying back from Europe. He'll get the message when he hits the Airport, probably in Atlanta. I had word sent to Kain this morning... if you head out now, you might even beat them there.
Bishop: So are we-
Priest: -booked in New Orleans too?
Gravedigger: No, I see what he's saying... Seth's booked them in a little matinee match the night before Slam just to catch 'em sleeping. All we've gotta do is wait for them to finish tearing each other apart and then we can just step on them like the pieces of shit they are.
Lerch: ...that's sick, man.
Gravedigger: Oh. You get what I mean.
Bishop: So what do you-
Priest: -want us to do, boss?
Lerch: Fuck it. Destroy the whole place if you have to. Kill 'em all. Maybe I'll find a decent use for GEW yet - greenlight problem 'superstars', send 'em down there and have their wings clipped.
Gravedigger: It'll be a pleasure putting 'em down... if nothing else, it'll mean one less workout I gotta get in before I tangle with Oblivion.
[Cut to outside: as we watch the Darkside leaving the building and getting into a Cadillac Blackwood, we see that someone in the foreground is watching them. Someone who, from behind, looks suspiciously familiar. He turns and the screen goes black as if swallowed by the abyss itself.]
----------------------------------------------------
[Scene: Hartsfield-Jackson Atlanta International Airport (Atlanta, Georgia); more specifically, the international terminal. Kid Phantasm, Johnny Reb, Jeff Purse and Kari all stand leaning up against a wall, waiting on their bags to come out of check. Crowds of people stand around staring at viewing screens, and other crowds push to get to their bags; these four, though, don't seem to be staring off anywhere specifically. They're just staring.]
Kari: I'm tired.
[Kid begins laughing hysterically.]
Phantasm: You can say that again, sister.
Reb: I had a fun time. Shame none of us won the match, but them's the breaks. You guys at least have fun?
[Purse and Phantasm both groan.]
Reb: What? You guys get airsick or something?
Purse: I'm still having nightmares about the dungeon.
Kari: Don't start - you know you're just doing it to yourself. It's all over. The bad man is gone now.
[Kid Phantasm rubs his eyes, manually adjusting out of his thousand-yard stare. He turns to Reb in confidence.]
Phantasm: Corey Black decided since Purse and I were the low men on the totem pole in that tournament, he'd give us a little bit of training in his dungeon.
[Reb looks shocked.]
Reb: NO!
Phantasm: Ow.
Reb: Shit. I c'n only imagine what that musta looked like...
-------------------------------------
[Scene: Pantheon Scandinavian Base Camp (Corey Black's castle 'Dethfort', Funen, Denmark); three days ago. In the torchlit dungeon of the castle, we can see that Corey Black has Jeff Purse strapped into a (literal) torture rack. Kid Phantasm is pushing a giant wooden dynamo. Corey Black, wearing his old 'Creeping Death' outfit (in celebration of his favorite time of the year, XIII) is shouting at the two of them while holding a heavy mace.]
Black: This is what I'm talking about! Purse, your flexibility is for shit compared to your competition! We're gonna stretch you out until you can do yoga like you was Dhalsim from Street Fighter II. Phantasm, get it in gear! What are you, a fuckin' featherweight over there?
Phantasm: Having trouble breathing, man - the air down here smells like shrooms taste and I keep gagging on it!
Black: Fuckin' pussy. When I won the World Title I had six cough and cold ailments and I still had a herniated disc from carrying my fucking tag team partner all year. Either of you had that shit yet? Didn't think so. You didn't hear me complain, no sir.
Phantasm: But that was like, fifty years ago, man!
Black: Dude, I'm not even fifty- I mean pipe down, jackass! You want to win, you listen and keep your mouth shut!
[Corey Black swings his mace haphazardly; Kid Phantasm ducks it and it sails over his head.]
Phantasm: Dude, this sucks!
[Kid looks over to his tag team partner, who is sweating buckets. Purse creaks out an answer in a horrified tone.]
Purse: No shit dude - I just saw a rat!
[Phantasm's face contorts with surprise... until he realizes that to Jeff Purse, the real horror here is how dingy this place is.]
-----------------------------------------------
[Cut back to the Airport]
Reb: Wow. Why ain't I get an invite to that? Trainin' in a real-life dungeon. Huh. Showing up Stu Hart... yeah, that'd be Corey Black.
Purse: You would WANT to do that? The dungeon was so... ugh! I need a shower just thinking about it...
Phantasm: Reb's hardcore.
Reb: Shit, boys... no pain no gain, right? 'sides, if you train in a midevil castle's dungeon you're given full license to tell people you'll get 'midevil' on their asses. It'd be a proven fact in the public domain.
Kari: It ended up working out, though. Right guys?
Purse: Yeah, Corey's dungeon also has a taffy factory in it.
Reb: A what?!
Phantasm: But even that ended up sucking for me. I ate like ten pounds of taffy... my gastro-intestional tract is like the La Brea tar pits right now.
[Three loud and simultaneous groans of 'ewww' cause most of the concourse to look up at the Pantheon members, some pointing and shouting to them (in all manners of positive or negative feedback.) Phantasm digs his phone out of his pocket, switching it out of 'airplane mode' - it immediately sounds a tone.]
Phantasm: Hmm... I got a message over the Atlantic. Either of you guys get a message?
[Purse and Reb both look for cellphones, checking them- neither have a message. They shrug to the Kid, who's already begun studying his smartphone's small screen.]
Phantasm: Shit! I've got Tommy Kain tonight in New Orleans!
Purse: What? Wait, how?
Phantasm: Seth's part owner of GEW now... I guess he forgot I was in Europe and booked me on their show. Shit, it's a good thing we made time on the way here... I gotta run and get my flight switched to New Orleans!
[Kid snatches his bag from the carousel, turning to Purse, Reb and Kari]
Phantasm: One of you - if you don't hear from me by Sunday morning, head down to New Orleans looking for me. And bring bail money! Hell or high water, I'm making it to Slam...
[As the Kid storms off without waiting for an answer, Reb and Purse look to each other]
Purse: You wanna be on Kid-bail watch? You got the time machine and all, uh...
Reb: I lent my time machine out this week, kimosabe. That 'uns all you.
Purse: Crap. What are the chances he goes to jail anyway, 10%?
Reb: He'll be down there with Tommy Kain. It is New Orleans, after all-
Purse: ...good point. I'll call Fly tonight and see if I can borrow his helicopter.
[Kari picks up one of their bags; as Purse goes to pick the other up, Reb quietly asks...]
Reb: A taffy factory? Really?
[Kari laughs as Purse shakes his head in disgust.]
Kari: Yeah, I know... but the taffy's delicious.
Purse: YOU ATE IT? UGH!!! I... SAW... A... RAT IN THERE. I... UGH, I KISSED YOU THIS MORNING!
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[Scene: GEW Arena (Marrero, Louisiana); more specifically, at ringside for the main event. The crowd is jacked up after watching a massive three-way dance between visiting talent from Mexico (one of the many things Ricky Richards' newfound connections have given to the once-slumping GEW - Seth's rolodex.) The bell rings as the ring announcer Richard Vranch enters the ring.]
Boomer Brown: What a night it's been here in the GEW Arena, fans... and what a main event we've got, seemingly from out of nowhere here tonight!
Buford Pine: Well over in the WCF both of these fellas have title fights on tomorrow's Slam... but we're lucky enough to get to see 'em here tonight against each other!
["Clock" by Beck hits the PA as the crowd goes crazy.]
Richard Vranch: The following contest is scheduled for one fall! Making his way to the ring at this time... from New Antarctica, Nevada, weighing in at 215 pounds... KID PHANTASM!
[Kid Phantasm sprints from backstage, slapping hands maniacally as he dashes towards the ring. He jumps up onto the apron, then springs over the top rope and into the ring. His landing, though, reveals how sore he really is. It's barely noticable, but Kid sucks in a little breath as he regains his countenance and gets back to amping himself up for the fight to come.]
Boomer Brown: Kid Phantasm literally JUST got off of a plane from Europe, where he was in the Monarch at the Mat tournament on last night's XIII show... and after this show, one would assume he'll be jumping on the first plane back up to Pennsylvania to prepare for what should be an incredible People's Title match between the Kid and his old buddy Kira Sakazaki.
Buford Pine: It's hard to talk about either of those two without mentioning the other, Boomer - there's just too many comparisons you can make between 'em. Hard to pick in that fight... 'course, Kira probly ain't sheddin' any tears when he finds out the Kid got booked to take on this guy down here tonight-
["Still Counting" by Volbeat his the PA and the crowd goes crazy.]
Boomer Brown: And here he comes.
Richard Vranch: And his opponent... from Indianapolis, Indiana... weighing in at 228 pounds, TOMMY KAIN!
[From behind the curtain, Tommy Kain comes out dressed in his wrestling attire and carrying a bottle of green-label Evan Williams. As he stops in the middle of the entrance ramp to take a large swig from the bottle, the GEW Arena crowd begin chanting "WE WANT GOAT! WE WANT GOAT!"]
Boomer Brown: Tommy Kain is as hot a property as you'll find in the Wrestling Championship Federation, and is almost a lock to win the WCF Hardcore Title tomorrow night at Slam - Night of Champions! Luckily for us here in GEW, for at least the next 20 minutes or so... we've got 'im!
-----------------------------------------------
Tommy Kain vs. Kid Phantasm
Referee: Clive Anderson
Boomer Brown: There's the bell, the match has started... Kain's still jawing with the fans and sipping from that bottle- and here comes the Kid! He's used to how we do business here in GEW, and he's giving Tommy Kain an on-hands tutorial! Phantasm with a knee-lift now after a flurry of punches... Kid off the ropes, Kain hops right over him... back-elbow from Kain... Kain with one leg over the- JUST DROPS KID PHANTASM ONTO HIS FACE... and takes another sip from that bottle of green-label!
Buford Pine: Man, this guy reminds me of my Uncle Pete. Just... just throwin' that out there. Miss you, Uncle Pete. Cousin Jenny's still terrified of you, even though y're dead.
Boomer Brown: Kain's got the Kid up now... irish whip to the corner-reversal! Kain comes flying in... here comes the Kid! Spinning heel kick connects, Kid Phantasm flies up and over to the apron, barely catching himself!
Buford Pine: Jet lag is a bitch, Boom.
Boomer Brown: Jet lag and a week from hell! Phantasm's in the corner outside, grabbing Kain by the ankles - OH MY GOD, just crotches him on the steel ring-post! Tommy Kain rolls to the outside clutching his groin, and Kid Phantasm takes a bow for the crowd!
Buford Pine: It's a credit to the Kid that he's up and about after that brutal tournament match in Norway... I don't expect we'll see too many theatrics from the Kid tonight, but he might surprise me. He's certainly bringin' it to Kain, that's for sure.
Boomer Brown: Kid's got Kain now... he's signalling for a fan to hold up his chair- oh no. Phantasm's got Kain cinched up for-SLINGSHOT INTO SOME FAN'S CHAIR!
Crowd: G-E-W! G-E-W! G-E-W!
Boomer Brown: Kid Phantasm showing all of us what great fans we've got here in the GEW Arena, and he gets one of them in on the act to boot. He's tossing that fan's chair in the ring now-
Buford Pine: -depriving that fan of his seat. For shame, Kid Phantasm. For shame.
Boomer Brown: The Kid's rolling Tommy Kain into the ring now, with plans for that chair I'm sure... Kid Phantasm up to the apron, now... springboard into... misses the dropkick! Tommy Kain was getting up and just shoved Kid Phantasm right off the mark, Kid lands on his hip-
Buford Pine: He's feelin' that one, Boom.
Boomer Brown: Kid P looks haggard, folks. Kain's up and ready, Kid's up and unsteady... Kain's got that chair- AND HE JUST GIVES IT TO THE KID! (in a Kenny Mayne voice) HOME-RUN.
Buford Pine: That's the kinda swing it takes to be Hardcore Champion in any fed, Boomer-
Boomer Brown: Kain just pasted the Kid's face with a steel chair, and the Kid's counting sheep... Kain's got him up- over his shoulder and onto the turnbuckles- feet first!
Buford Pine: Kain's tying Kid Phantasm to the old Tree of Woe, Boom- this don't look good for the Kid at all.
Boomer Brown: Kid's got a chair in his face- Kain's charges in with a... HUGE dropkick, you could hear that one across the arena! Kid Phantasm is out, folks.
Buford Pine: Tommy Kain's gotta take the ugly win and just put the Kid down here- it could come back to bite him later if he doesn't!
Boomer Brown: I think Tommy Kain's looking to seal it - he's opening that chair up mid-ring like he's either about to use it or sit down and think it out, one of the two! He's got the Kid now, irish whip- JUMPING DDT ONTO THE OPEN CHAIR- GOOD NIGHT, KID PHANTASM! Kain with the lateral press, this is over- 1...2...KID PHANTASM! Kid kicks out at 2 1/2, unbelievable!
Buford Pine: The Kid's showing me something right there, Boom- even as tired as he is, even after the beating he's taking-
Boomer Brown: Kain doesn't seem to know what to do, now- looks like he's setting the Kid up for some sort of double-underhook move... Kid's resisting, though... Kid Phantasm with the back-drop! Kid's got a second wind, it looks like- he's got that chair, still with the indentation of his face on it- and pays Tommy Kain right back with it!
Buford Pine: Tommy Kain had his shot; he took it and he just barely missed. Kid Phantasm mighta lucked out again, Boom.
Boomer Brown: I don't know if you can call a beating like this 'lucky' for either man- they've both got title fights tomorrow night! Kid Phantasm whips Tommy Kain into the ropes - catches him with a huge back kick to the jaw! Kid with the cover- 1...2- 2 count only, Kain kicks out with authority!
Buford Pine: You can hear this crowd applauding, Boom- they're likin' what they're seeing out of this Tommy Kain, for sure.
Boomer Brown: Kid Phantasm cinches Kain's leg-
Buford Pine: Goin' for the Ice Cap, Boomer- if he hits this, it's OVER.
Boomer Brown: Kid with the Ice Cap on Tommy Kain! This'll be it, folks- cover! 1...2...3-NO? NO! KAIN KICKED- TOMMY KAIN JUST KICKED OUT OF THE ICE CAP! Kid Phantasm can't believe this... WHAT THE HELL?!
Buford Pine: That's the Darkside! That's WCF's Darkside, Boom- check it out, that's GRAVEDIGGER! HOOOO-BOY!
Boomer Brown: Bishop and Priest are in the ring now - DDTs on Kain and Phantasm both! Priest throws Kain into a figure-four leg-lock, no love lost between those two - Bishop's got the easiest shot he's ever gonna get on Kid Phantasm, and he takes it! Bishop nearly takes Kid P's head off with a lariat, and- GRAVEDIGGER! I thought you were kidding, Buford!
Crowd: HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT!
Boomer Brown: OH MY GOD! Gravedigger makes his GEW Arena debut alongside Bishop and Priest, and the first thing he does is give Kid Phantasm a Death Driver onto a chair. Welcome to GEW, Gravedigger!
Buford Pine: I don't think he even wants a welcome- 'Digger's here to show us what the Epitome of Hardcore is all about.
Boomer Brown: Bishop and Priest now manhandling Tommy Kain- double brainbuster by the Darkside! It looks like- Gravedigger's got a mic!
Gravedigger: First of all, what the hell was this shit the fans have been subjected to all night…GEW? It’s sad that the highlight of the night was when yours truly stormed down from the back and took out those two scum-sucking leeches Kid Phantasm and Tommy Kain. Hey Tommy, you had been asking for a while to get in the ring with me and I guess you finally got your wish. Too bad you were laid on your back by the time I got here, then again your WCF career has had you laying on your back most of the time anyway.
As for you Kid Phantasm, that was just another message from the Darkside of Treachery to you Pantheon assholes that we’re better than you. Speaking of being better, your boy Jeff Purse better not be getting used to his US title. He may have gotten past me the other week, but he won’t get past Synn tomorrow night and I can guarantee that! The match of the night though is going to be the Barbed Wire Massacre match.
Oblivion, you wanted a piece of me once more?! Then fine, you’re going to get another piece of me in Pennsylvania at Night of the Champions. It’s ironic that the biggest match of the night, at least in my opinion, is going to be a non-title match. It’s going to be the match of the night because it’s going to be your last, Oblivion. Bring your Gathering, bring your Vixens, bring your Pet. Bring them all so they can witness the burial of their master, Oblivion!
[Gravedigger lowers the mic and smirks out at the crowd as they boo him mercilessly.]
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[Scene: GEW Arena, backstage; more specifically, the sound-board. A sound tech sits patiently waiting for the match to end so he can cue the right music, confused as to exactly what's taking place... he looks to his left as a shadow approaches. It speaks to him in a voice most alluring... and disgusting.]
Voice: Play the 'Nightmare' music. It finds it most appropriate...
[The sound tech gulps and presses a few buttons, causing the lights in the GEW Arena to cut off... and "Burn" by Nine Inch Nails to echo over the PA.]
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Boomer Brown: Now what- OH MY GOD.
Crowd: G-E-W! G-E-W! G-E-W!
Boomer Brown: The moment Kid Phantasm has been hoping for is here, and it's in the GEW Arena- the return of...
[The lights come on, and standing across from Gravedigger in the ring is not Nightmare... but a nightmare of a different sort.]
Boomer Brown: ...THAT'S NOT NIGHTMARE...
Buford Pine: ...IT'S OBLIVION!
[The crowd goes absolutely wild.]
Crowd: HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT!
Boomer Brown: Do not adjust your sets, you are watching Global Extreme Wrestling... even if Seth Lerch has turned this show into a commercial for WCF's Night of Champions, I can't complain! At this very moment, standing across that very ring from each other are Oblivion and Gravedigger, both in the GEW Arena on an unusually historic night! Gravedigger with the clothesline, Oblivion ducks, headbutt to Digger, Digger's in the ropes... Oblivion with the clothesline- and they tumble to the floor! Oblivion wasting no time taking it to Gravedigger, irish whip right into the steel guardrail... and he charges in with a knee-lift! Digger's sucking wind against the railing, and- oh no! OH NO! Oblivion's after Kid Phantasm, he smells blood-
Buford Pine: I can't believe I forgot that Kain and Phantasm were still wrestling a match here, Boom- I saw Obi and Digger and I forgot what show we were watching here!
Boomer Brown: You can say that again, Buford- Obi's hot after the Kid, now... TOMMY KAIN CATCHES OBLIVION AROUND THE RINGPOST WITH A CLOTHESLINE, OBI EATS THE FLOOR! Oblivion just went down like a six-pack!
Buford Pine: Kain could drop a 12-pack that easy, Boom- just look at 'im. He's a keg with appendages.
Boomer Brown: Tommy Kain sees Bishop and Priest coming back for more and- he's got the Kid over one shoulder, and he's climbing into the audience! Tommy Kain's saving Kid Phantasm like a god-damn damsel in distress-
Buford Pine: He's carryin' him out like it's the jungles of 'Nam!
Boomer Brown: That might be more appropriate, Buford- Kain and Phantasm both said they wanted some of Gravedigger, and they got it- they just didn't count on the timing, or what hell that might bring with it! Bishop and Priest are headed backstage, maybe hoping to cut Kain and the Kid off, we might even see an ending to this match, folks!
Buford Pine: Kain might also be blind drunk and just think he's saving his tag team partner at this point. When he finds out Kid's not Johnny Stylez he might kick him out on the freeway.
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[Scene: GEW Arena parking lot. The cypress tree lots behind the GEW Arena sing with life, though none of it human- all of that's inside screaming at the top of its lungs at Oblivion and Gravedigger. Tommy Kain carries Kid Phantasm over one shoulder, jogging at a fairly brisk pace; Kid doesn't seem to be enjoying the ride much.]
Phantasm: Tommy... thank you, shit-
Kain: Oh, shit. You're not Johnny Stylez, are you... did I kidnap somebody?
Phantasm: It's me, man- Kid P.
Kain: Shit, which one of us won?
Phantasm: If we get out of here, we both did- look for a silver Buick. That's my rental car. Keys are in my pocket; I'll pass 'em to you. Or you could just put me down.
Kain: No time- shit might explode like the Death Star. If it's like that, I'm driving... trust me. I always aim right down the middle.
Phantasm: ...the middle of what, Tommy?
Kain: Oh, I see two o' everything. So I just aim at the middle and it works out.
Phantasm: ...glad to know that, man, even though that might suck for you later. Ow!
[Kain accidentally bumps the Kid's head as he climbs into the car (with Kid still over his shoulder.)]
Kain: Sorry.
[Two minutes later the car roars out of the parking lot, tearing through a yellow light and blasting down Highway 90 as fast as a mid-market American luxury car can go.]
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[Ten minutes later, across the toll plaza in downtown New Orleans... we see the same car, stationary. We see the same two wrestlers, both in handcuffs on the sidewalk.]
Policeman: So you guys get in a fight or what? You're both covered in blood, for christ's sake. You guys been breakin' in houses, or-
Policeman II: I found a bag of marijuana in the center console.
Policeman: Driving 90 miles an hour, drunk, down Claiborne Avenue with a bag of illicit narcotics, looking like y'all just busted out of someplace. You two have anything to say for yourselves before we book you downtown?
[From their prone positions on the sidewalk, Kid and Tommy look at each other.]
Phantasm: Obviously neither of you guys are professional wrestling fans.
[Kain cracks up in laughter.]
Policeman: What's that supposed to mean? You two high on some shit?
[Both Kain and Phantasm crack up. The policeman clicks on his radio.]
Policeman: I got two real jokers comin' down there... better pick 'em out a nice spot on the reservation. They might be dusted.
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[Scene: GEW Arena, backstage; more specifically, a hallway towards the outside. Bishop and Priest run around a corner, in full pursuit (they believe) of Kid Phantasm and Tommy Kain... though to their credit, they've never been in this building before. Kid Phantasm used to (literally) live here.]
Bishop: There are like four exits-
Priest: -and I don't see which way they went.
Bishop: There's so much blood...
Priest: ...crusted in these carpets...
Bishop: ...too hard to tell...
Priest: ...which blood is theirs!
[From behind the unholy pair comes a deep-voiced cough. Bishop and Priest turn to see Cornelius Casanova and the 'Emerald Prince', GEW's Mothership Connection.]
Cornelius: You jive turkeys want a fight? In our house? I'm disrespected you didn't step to us first.
Prince: Especially considerin' y'all ain't shit. If you're gonna discriminate, at least be worth a fuck.
[Cornelius and the Prince charge the Darkside and the four begin brawling in the hallway. Priest gets slammed into the painted brick wall, and Bishop right behind him. Cornelius and the Prince high-five elaborately.]
Cornelius: That's right, Mothership Connection-
Prince: -Black by Popular Demand.
[Behind the posing duo of handsome young black men, two ghastly white men rise.]
Cornelius: Let's take out the trash.
[Casanova and Prince turn and receive massive haymakers to the jaw, knocking the two out cold.]
Bishop: These two were onto something-
Priest: -about taking out trash.
[The two pick up their fallen opponents and drag them unceremoniously towards a sign reading 'LOADING BAY'.]
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[Meanwhile, back in the ring!]
Boomer Brown: Oblivion whips Gravedigger in, Digger catches himself- SPEARS OBLIVION TO THE CANVAS! GRAVEDIGGER'S ALIVE AND WELL AND THE GEW FANS ARE LOVING THIS MATCH!
Buford Pine: These two have a barbed-wire-ropes match against each other tomorrow, Boomer- looks like we're getting a preview here in GEW!
Boomer Brown: Gravedigger's got an arsenal of ways he can take out an opponent, fans- sinching Oblivion up here, powerslam maybe... running powersl-
*smash*
Boomer Brown: OH MY GOD!
Crowd: G-E-W! G-E-W! G-E-W!
Boomer Brown: Gravedigger just dumps Oblivion out of the ring with some sort of running powerslam, right through the timekeeper's table!!! Gravedigger might have won this battle here tonight, fans- he's certainly acting like he has, as he's already headed up the ramp in disgust at this crowd and that unintentional run-in with Oblivion.
Buford Pine: Though he may be sick of these people, they're certainly loving him - it's not every day they see a WCF legend in the ring around here, much less two!
Boomer Brown: AND HERE COMES OBLIVION! HE'S GOT A PIECE OF TABLE- MY GOD! He just smashes that broken piece of pressboard table over Gravedigger's head like it's a twig! Gravedigger got blind-sided, and- OBLIVION WITH A DDT ONTO THE RAMP! Obi's back again, not letting Gravedigger even take his leave! Obi's on top of the Epitome of Hardcore, fists flying-OH NO... Digger with a hand on Oblivion's throat... Mighty Gravedigger rises! Oblivion's screwed now... cinching him up for a Respecto maybe- OFF THE RAMP TO THE CONCRETE FLOOR, OH MY GOD!
Crowd: HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT!
Boomer Brown: We may not know who won that Tommy Kain-Kid Phantasm match, but in the first GEW battle between Oblivion and Gravedigger, it's Gravedigger who picks up the win with authority. Oblivion's laid out on cold concrete and he's not moving, folks.
Buford Pine: What a night it's been, Boom!
Boomer Brown: I'll say... in fact, I'll say it now! It's been a hell of a night, folks, but that's it for us- on behalf of Clive Anderson, Richard Vranch and Buford Pine, I'm Boomer Brown saying good night for Global Extreme Wrestling! Good night.
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[Scene: Orleans Parish Prison (New Orleans, Louisiana); more specifically, a little cage inside of an area called 'the Drunk Tank'. Kid Phantasm lays on the top rack of an orange metal bunk... Tommy Kain lays on the bottom rack of the bunk, blowing into a harmonica we're not sure how he got. (Editor's note: I'm still not sure how that fucking harmonica showed up, but I'm glad it did.) Kain blows a blues riff, waiting expectantly; Kid Phantasm's heavy-lidded eyes open as if commanded.]
Phantasm: Got run out of the Arena...
[Kain blows another blues riff.]
Phantasm: ...by a bunch of masked and painted freaks...
[Kain blows another blues riff]
Phantasm: Now I'm staring at this jailhouse wall, countin' all these nasty cum-streaks...
Kain: ...my bad.
Phantasm: I got the blues...
[Kain blows a long blues chord, stretching it out.]
Phantasm: Oh yeah, we got the blues up in here, y'all.
[From down the corridor, the authoritative voice of a guard barks out.]
Policeman: Hey Muddy Waters, shut the fuck up already down there before we spray you down!
Kain: You already hosed us off once, Sarge!
Phantasm: Hey man, give me my phone call- I think we can get a fuckin' record deal down here!
Policeman: Yeah, yeah - next time I hear that shit blowin' I'm comin' in there with the pepper spray.
Kain: I miss my goat, man.
[Kid laughs a bit, expecting a joke... then stops as he notices Kain isn't also laughing. After a bit of silence, Kid tries to open a dialogue.]
Phantasm: You did it up big tonight in there, man- kicking out of the Ice Cap? Didn't know you had it in you, bro.
Kain: I did what? I mean, I did. Showed you, didn't I?
Phantasm: You sure did, man. But you know... the more I think about it, the more I think something was up with that match...
Kain: I drank a fifth before I got to New Orleans. Everything's a little blurry past that.
Phantasm: I mean with the match itself, man... we both get thrown on out of nowhere, and when we show up fuckin' Gravedigger's waiting for us? Gravedigger. In GEW? Something big was up with that match.
Kain: Shit, I been askin' for a shot at 'Digger-
Phantasm: Exactly. You got what you wanted when you least expected it, right upside the face. Who does that sound like to you?
[Both men respond to Phantasm's question.]
Both: Seth Lerch.
[They get quiet and all thoughtful-like for a second. Phantasm farts.]
Phantasm: Sorry about that, man... I'm still not right from all that taffy.
Kain: Good thing I told my goat to come bail us out.
Phantasm: Heh. Good thing for both of us I also asked Purse to come bail me out. I'll have him post for you, too - hopefully neither of us misses Slam.
Kain: Shit, good thing BOTH of us planned on getting arrested. Goat's most likely takin' that bail money to the track.
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[Scene: GEW Arena, backstage; more specifically, the loading dock. Bishop and Priest drag a large rolling janitorial cart with two unconscious black men stuffed inside of it. They roll it over to the doors, pulling them open and dragging the cart outside.]
Bishop: This garbage stinks like-
Priest: -four hundred pounds of failure.
[As they see Gravedigger approach, Bishop and Priest tip the cart into a dumpster off of the loading dock, spilling the Mothership into the massive trash recepticle behind the GEW Arena. We notice that off in the shadows, a man in a red vestment watches the two men as they high-five Gravedigger and begin walking towards their Cadillac, celebrating a job well-done.]
Bystander: The false prophets do their work, this time where none can see... an odd development. Normally false prophets do their work in the public eye... better to be mistaken as true prophets. Thus says the book.
[As we see that the voyeuristic man is clutching a black-bound tome with both hands as if it means the world to him, we also see a shadow creeping up behind him... a large shadow.]
Bystander: Praise be to the god of blood... praise be to the god of suffering.
Voice: IT WILL MAKE YOU PRAISE IT WITH YOUR SCREAMS!
[The man in red vestments turns to see Oblivion not a foot behind him, two crazed eyes gazing from behind a mask as few eyes can.]
Bystander: Praise be- praise be to the chosen and promised one. Praise be to him... as he is you.
Oblivion: IT!
Bystander: You, who are the vessel chosen to end this world! It calls itself Oblivion. It is the chosen... I'd be a fool to think otherwise.
Oblivion: MY GAZE SHOULD SHAKE YOUR VERY SOUL WITH TERROR... DO YOU NOT FEAR OBLIVION!?
Bystander: Master, why would I fear what I have foretold all these years? You are the anti-rapture... It is Oblivion, and I am Its faithful servant.
Oblivion: What is your name, man of faith?
Bystander: Andrew Warhawk, master. They call me 'Archbishop Andy' in this place, not realizing how close they come to the truth-
Oblivion: The truth they shall learn then, and from you... for the Oblivion has come! For Kid Phantasm, for Gravedigger... for all of them! All of the world shall know! You shall be my herald, Warhawk- you shall be my 'Crimson Prophet'.
[Warhawk makes a pleasured face as he touches his black tome to his forehead; he pulls it away with a dark glare in his eyes.]
Warhawk: Yes, master. As the book says, "...the dark times began, as the abyss claimed its dark riders..."
Oblivion: The end of days are nigh and it's time for the masses to embrace their new Messiah... OBLIVION!! Bow down, my Crimson Prophet!! Go out, spread the word. OBLIVION IS HERE!! MANY CHANGES WILL HAVE TO BE MADE!! The Dark Times are coming and ALL need to hear my voice!! Come to Oblivion if you want your soul to be saved. If not, you will be cast aside!! Go on... Warhawk, my Crimson Prophet. Go on and spread The Gospel of Oblivion!!
[...and just like that, Oblivion took another soul. The silent sway of the cypress forest behind the GEW arena was penetrated by the noises of insects, but none else would bear witness to the transformation... and the beginning of who knows what.]
[(c) Wrestling Championship Federation 2012. Footage courtesy of Global Extreme Wrestling 2012. The views of Kid Phantasm (or any of the people who showed up in this shit) are not those of WCF, GEW or any of their sponsors or affiliates. All rights reserved.]