Post by Deleted on May 27, 2012 19:48:40 GMT -5
[The scene opens with a shot of Bobby Cairo sitting cross-legged in a black leather chair. Cairo is wearing a monocle over his right eye, a top hat, and yes, a black tuxedo, plus those trademark Cairo two-tone shoes. In his left hand he's holding a cane. Not because he needs one but because... he wanted to look like Mr. Peanut on this very special occasion. Cairo takes a toke from his (likely marijuana filled) pipe and glances into the camera.]
Bobby Cairo: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to Bobby Cairo's Masterpiece Theatre. Tonight we bring you the riveting conclusion of TV's finest miniseries, the epic-adventure known as Breakout Kings of the Ring. It has been quite a journey from Kid Phantasm's utility closet to Las Vegas, back to Kid Phantasm's utility closet, with a detour through New York City, and now finally, finally... our heroes are on the verge of completing one of the twenty-first century's greatest capers.
[Cairo uncrosses his legs and rises to his feet. He strolls about the room, which appears to be a library or study of some sort filled with shelf after shelf of erotic literature, keenly visible when the camera zooms in for boobies. We turn our attention back to Cairo, who is staring into the lens with a sort of whimsical glimmer in his eyes.]
Bobby Cairo: Will Kid Phantasm and his crew beat a corrupted system? Will they free a man, WCF owner Seth Lerch, who should have never been convicted in the first place? Will Jonny Fly redeem himself and save his soul? Will Odin Balfore and Zombie McMorris work together without blowing themselves and anyone within a ten mile radius to smithereens? Will all of the pieces to this unorthodox puzzle fit together in the end?
[Cairo takes another toke, holds it in for several moments, allowing it to collect inside of his lungs and esophagus, and finally exhales. He smiles big.]
Bobby Cairo: Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you... "Rejection to Redemption". Enjoy!
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Breakout Kings of the Ring #5: "Rejection to Redemption"
Editor: Bobby Cairo
Head Writer: Kid Phantasm
Asst. Head Writer: Jonny Fly
Asst. Writer: Odin Balfore
Asst. Writer: Frank Venable
Asst. Writer: Logan
Asst. Writer: Sarah Twilight
Asst. Writer: Ayria Adams
Asst. Writer: Seth Lerch
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From the files of Lucien Hicks, Renegade Reporter:
Kidnapped journalists are usually in grave danger... in some countries, they're in danger of being forced to lie to their nation's media by separatists. In some countries they're in danger of being beheaded. In some countries, they're in danger of being ransomed off for an exorbitant amount of money. In this country... in this company, to be more specific, it appears I'm mostly just in danger of an interview.
"So what questions do you have for Mr. WCF, trashcan?"
Albeit an interview with a lunatic... during a barbecue, no less. I found myself sitting at a table in what I'm guessing is the Team of Treachery's 'locker room', sitting about fifteen feet from a small indoor grill and about four feet from none other than Logan himself.
"You want a hotdog, Hicks?"
"Actually, they smell-"
"SHUT UP! Here."
From behind me to my right, Frank Venable handed me a hotdog on a bun, complete with sauerkraut. Yeah, these were dangerous men... say what you will, it takes practice to know how to host a captive. FPV looked a bit more sinister than he did when last I saw him... I guess Logan just has that affect on people. Or maybe it's the hotdogs... I took my first bite and tasted a hotdog of treachery for the first time. Whatever's in there, it's definitely not kosher.
"So how do I feel about being a five-time World Champion? How does it feel to be Mr. WCF? How do I sleep at night knowing that I make Roy Speede cry? WHY AREN'T YOU ASKING THESE QUESTIONS? Aren't you a journalist, Hicks?"
I continued to chew the hotdog, wondering if I'd have to explain how the human mouth works before-
"SHUT UP! Eat your hotdog and I'll interview myself."
--------------------------------------------------------------
[We’re back in the Team of Treachery’s locker room. Nearly three hours have passed since the previous scene but Logan is still asking himself questions as Lucien Hicks looks on, more disturbed than scared at this point.]
Logan: So, Logan, what’s it feel like to be challenging for your sixth WCF World Title, a would-be record?
Logan: Good question, Lucien, it gives me a tingle in the Crotch of Treachery. All these other trashcans think they’re so damn special…
[At this point the door to the locker room is opened and in barges…WCF World Champion Jonny Fly.]
Logan: Speaking of trashcans. How the hell did you find us?
Fly: I’m part Indian.
[Everyone looks at Fly puzzled.]
Fly: Nah, just kidding, I’m just rich.
Logan: SHUT UP!
Fly: I’m here to take Lucien back. I’d recommend just handing him over, the other option, by force…yeah, you don’t want that.
Logan: OH YEAH?
[Fly nods his head as Logan scowls at him.]
Logan: I tell you what; I’ll make you a deal. Bring me Seth Lerch, as a free man, and I’ll release Hicks.
[Fly thinks on the deal for a second before responding.]
Fly: I’ll counter your offer. I’ll agree to bring you Seth Lerch in return for Hicks, IF, I can get something from Hicks that will help me get Seth out.
Logan: What are you talking about, boudle?
[Fly walks over to Hicks and takes the hot dog out of his hand. He takes a seat and begins enjoying the delicious hot dog. Fly scarfs the first hot dog down, and asks for another. Logan, confused, hands him another hot dog.]
Fly: I needed nourishment.
[Logan says nothing as Fly finishes the second hot dog.]
Fly: Hey, would you mind if I borrow FPV for this mission?
Logan: No!
Fly: I thought we just bonded right there. Why can’t I use FPV?
Logan: Then you’ll have TWO Team of Treachery hostages to my dumbass reporter hostage.
Fly: I have a plan though, and I need FPV to do it.
Logan: I thought you only needed hot dogs!
Fly: I needed those too!
Logan: Well stop being so damn needy and bring me back my friend Seth Lerch!
[Fly explodes from his seat ready to pounce at Logan, Logan has the same idea and the two men stand toe-to-toe with one another for a tense moment. Fly breaks the tension by walking around Logan, toward the door.]
Fly: Nevermind. I have a better idea anyway.
[Fly walks out of the locker room and Logan turns his attention back to Hicks.]
Logan: I’m sorry for that interruption, babygurl. If I remember correctly you were asking me who cuts this beautiful flowing red hair of mine, right?
[Lucien takes in a deep gulp, at this point likely now more scared than disturbed. Or maybe both. Who knows? Hopefully someone can save the poor guy. The scene cuts away.]
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[Meanwhile, on the other side of the WCF Arena, we see Kid Phantasm and Nightmare trodding down a hallway with expressions on their faces as if someone had just run over their dog.]
Nightmare: This is a bad idea.
Phantasm: This is the WORST idea. But we said we'd try, and if Fly's willing to sneak into a federal building and plant evidence, the least we can do-
Nightmare: -is ask two of our enemies for nude photos of themselves? This is the most degrading thing I've done in the wrestling business.
Phantasm: You and me both, baby. Let's try and keep it that way.
[They come to a door marked "WCF TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS" "Sarah Twilight" "Ayria Adams".]
Nightmare: We should get some more signage for our door.
Phantasm: ...nah. I like the aura of mystery thing.
[Kid Phantasm takes a deep breath... and audibly gulps. He knocks carefully at the door. A voice from inside shouts in a bemused tone...]
Voice: Enter...
[Phantasm opens the door. The room is a medium-sized dressing room, but the decor is... somewhat ecclectic, to say the least. Occult, even. Leaning up against the far wall is WCF Tag Champion Ayria Adams, who always appears to be preparing for a fist-fight... sitting at a table reading a large black tome is WCF Tag Champion Sarah Twilight. As the Unstable Elements enter the room, Ayria Adams cautiously steps forward, positioning herself for some sort of counter-assault. Twilight just looks up from her book dismissively.]
Sarah Twilight: What do *you* want?
Phantasm: Well hey there. Nice to finally meet you ladies, officially... I'm Kid Ph-
Sarah Twilight: What. Do. You. Want?
Ayria Adams: And make it fast... I'm getting tired of looking at you.
[Nightmare growls slightly.]
Ayria Adams: Ooh, I like that. You gonna bark all day, bitch, or-
[Kid Phantasm reaches an arm out, blocking Nightmare from advancing any further.]
Phantasm: Hate to bother y'all, but we've hit a bit of a snag getting our boss out of prison. See, we've been-
Sarah Twilight: -cleaning up after your hero Jonny Fly. You're fucking pathetic, you know that?
[Twilight stands and advances towards the Phantasm. Their eyes lock... and Kid notices two things immediately. Firstly, his boyish charm has absolutely no effect on Sarah Twilight... and secondly, that under that beautiful body and behind those mysterious eyes lies an utterly and completely terrifying woman.]
Phantasm: I don't work for Jonny Fly. I work for WCF... and Seth Lerch. That's who I'm here for... I'm here to help save our boss. I'm here to save this company.
Sarah Twilight: Save the crap about 'your mission' for your poor excuses for promos, little boy. Speak your piece and get out.
[Ayria Adams cracks her knuckles.]
Phantasm: We found the guy who... actually did it. And he's already in jail awaiting trial for another murder. He's agreed to take the charge for Seth because he's a huge WCF fan and it'll move him into a nicer federal prison...
Ayria Adams: My tax dollars at work.
Sarah Twilight: Get to the point.
Phantasm: He said he just wants something to keep him company for his extended federal stay...
Nightmare: I can't believe we're actually doing this.
Phantasm: He wants nude photos of you two. That's the only way he'll take the charge so we can get Seth out of prison.
[Sarah Twilight looks over to Ayria Adams, who is already preparing to beat the Unstable Elements senseless.]
Sarah Twilight: So you mean to tell me you two came to see us to ask us... for that. To save our asshole boss and his dickhead 'attorney'?
[She laughs.]
Sarah Twilight: I'd ask if you were out of your fucking minds, but even you're not that crazy. No, if you're coming here...for that... you're desperate. So my question to you is, just how desperate are you?
[Ayria Adams gives Nightmare an angry stare.]
Ayria Adams: I just wanna hit the girl once or twice.
[Nightmare stares right back.]
Nightmare: Likewise.
[Kid winces, hoping Sarah Twilight didn't catch that.]
Sarah Twilight: Tell you what... we'll do it.
Ayria Adams: Wait, wh-
Sarah Twilight: We'll do it as soon as you bring me two things... one is the WCF World Title.
[The color runs out of Phantasm's face a bit.]
Sarah Twilight: And if you want those pictures, you'll bring that belt wrapped around the head of Jonny Fly.
[Phantasm doesn't need to ask if she's serious - the look in her eyes is bone-chillingly serious. After his tongue returns to him, Phantasm responds.]
Phantasm: ...in that case, we're sorry for taking up your time.
[As the Unstable Elements pull the door shut behind them, they hear a voice...]
Ayria Adams: ...not as sorry as you should've been.
-----------------------------------------------------------
[We’re facing the glass outer façade of the Federal Bureau of Investigation’s Crime Laboratory in Quantico, Virginia. The 500,000 square foot facility overpowers the camera’s view in all directions as the endless supply of windows gleam in the sunlight. The rectangular building features many entrances, but we found ourselves positioned in the middle, at the main entrance. We scan to see dozens of people walking in and out of the building, most of who are wearing white coats and appear to be scientists, doctors, or technicians. We also spot Kelvin Staylor and Markus Jayson, The 8th Wonder, wearing white coats, spectacles, and walking toward us hitting each other in the arm.
Jayson: I’m telling you, I’ve been watching ‘Get Smart’ on repeat for three days; I’m as qualified to be a spy as anyone in history ever!
Staylor: You can’t even spell qualified!
Jayson: Neither can you!
Staylor: Oh man, that’s a good point. Who was it that told us to be here again?
Jayson: That one guy with the shiny belt who gets all the bitches. What was his name again, Fly Jonny?
[At that moment Fly himself enters the scene. Fly is wearing his normal dress slacks and button-down dress shirt, obviously not worrying about disguising himself at all. He looks at Jayson and Staylor in their white coats and spectacles.]
Fly: Are you fucking kidding me? Disguises? What do you guys think you are doing?
Staylor: Um, well, you said we had to plant evidence in the FBI laboratory. So, we dressed up as scientists. That’s smart, right?
Fly: No, it’s not. You really think I would let you guys sneak in and plant the evidence?
Jayson: I’ve been preparing for three days for this!
Fly: By doing what? Watching ‘Get Smart’ on DVD?
Jayson: …..no!
Fly: I tell you what guys, I’ll let you come in there with me under one condition, and one condition only.
Jayson: WHAT!?
Staylor: WHAT!?
Fly: Under the condition that you act like yourself. Take off the disguises and just…be yourself. As soon as we walk in the door I want to see you guys act like the real Markus Jayson and the real Kelvin Staylor. Deal?
Staylor: DEAL!
Jayson: DEAL!
[Fly nods his head and The 8th Wonder members strip off their disguises and begin following Jonny Fly as he heads toward the front entrance to the FBI lab. Upon entering, holding up their end of the promise, Markus Jayson and Kelvin Staylor begin to act like themselves. With security looking on, Jayson and Staylor begin to hold a philosophical conversation in the foyer of the world’s top crime laboratory.]
Jayson: Hey Stay, do you ever think oranges will mutate enough to be able to fly?
Staylor: Interesting question. Why do you ask?
Jayson: Well, pears mutated enough to fly, but pears are gross. I want a flying orange that I can keep in a cage and teach how to talk.
Staylor: Pears can fly?
Jayson: Yep. The mutated form of the common edible pear is called a Parakeet and it flies! For approximately ten percent of owners, it talks too!
Staylor: That’s a bird! Not a mutated fruit!
Jayson: What would you know, you still think that Aaron Miles is a cyborg robot!
Staylor: THOSE ARE TWO DIFFERENT THINGS, DUMBASS!
Jayson: That's what I told you!
[At this point security walks over and tries to calm the bickering duo.]
Security: Hey guys keep it down would you? Take your disagreement outside if you wish to continue.
Staylor: Look at this guy. Nice disguise, buddy! What part are you playing in our plan?
Security: What are you talking about?
Jayson: Oh come on, the plan, with Jonny Fly….you’re in on it, obviously. Are you supposed to pose as a security guard and get us access upstairs?
Security: Gentlemen, I think it’s time for you both to leave. You don’t belong here.
Staylor: You trying to steal our thunder, biyotch? We’re an integral part of this plan! You can't do it without us!
[The security guard grabs the arms of Kelvin Staylor and Markus Jayson and begins pulling them toward the door. This incites a rage in the jobber tag-team, and they go on a karate-chopping spree of epic proportions. The security guard falls immediately, but backup has already arrived. Every single security guard patrolling the front entrance of the FBI laboratory is now in the scene restraining Jayson and Staylor and removing them from the premises. Meanwhile, Jonny Fly, observing the entire scene quietly from a distance, nonchalantly walks through security and proceeds toward the elevators. Fly looks at the directory next to the elevator, noticing that ‘Evidence Examination’ is on the third floor of the building. The elevator opens; Fly enters, and presses the button for the third floor. As the doors close Fly reaches into his pocket and pulls out a fake badge identifying himself as a ‘Forensic Analyst’ and clips it to his front shirt pocket. The doors to the elevator open and Fly walks out onto the floor. He takes a quick moment to find his bearings and begins moving walking to the left, down a hallway. As Fly walks down the hallway he spots a technician walking toward him and flags him down.]
Fly: Hey, bud, first time here. I’ve been brought in to help on a case from New York City. Would you mind telling me where the evidence archives are kept?
? ? ?: Yeah, go down the hall, take a right, and it’ll be your second door on the left.
[Fly nods his head, smiles, and proceeds down the hall. When the hall ends he takes a right and walks to the second door on the left. He pushes it open and reveals shelves upon shelves of boxes, each labeled with a case number, last name, and date. The boxes are sorted alphabetically, and Fly proceeds to the ‘D’ section.]
Fly: Dumbass, dumbass, where is dumbass?
[Oh wait, that’s right, Seth’s last name is Lerch! What an embarrassing mistake. Fly shakes his head at his own idiocy, and then proceeds to the ‘L’ section. He scans through the boxes until he finds Seth’s case box and pulls it down from the shelf. He opens it and the first thing that we see is the pee-stained jacket of Agent Green’s. Fly reaches into his pocket and pulls out a cup with a yellow liquid in it.]
Fly: This is going to confuse the shit out of them!
[Fly pours the yellow liquid, which we infer is piss from Norman Barksdale, onto the jacket before wrapping it back up tightly and tucking it back into the box. Fly reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a vial that contains a few pieces of hair, also of which we infer to be Norman Barksdale’s. Fly tosses the vial into the box, closes it back up, and sets it back into its spot on the shelves. Fly then quickly exits the room, proceeds back to the elevator, and heads back down to the first floor making sure to avoid any contact with the lab’s personnel. Security is back at their post at this point on the first floor and Fly hurriedly walks past them toward the outside…the deed is done.]
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[Back at Polar Base, the Breakout Kings of the Ring team is finally gearing up for the main phase of the plan. Odin Balfore, Nightmare, Zombie McMorris and Kid Phantasm all wear black-on-black outfits and their chosen lucha libre masks... the schematic on the pegboard has been altered to look more like a scenario for troop movements. There is an arsenal of heavy tools and non-lethal weapons on the table. The door opens and all four wrestlers snap to attention, wondering if their plans were about to be discovered (and if they'd have to hide a body in the course of saving their boss)... but it's just Jonny Fly, the 'respectable' member of their team. Well, one of them, anyway...]
Phantasm: Where's Lucien?
Fly: ToT got him. I got the evidence from Logan, but... get this... they want a hostage exchange.
Nightmare: WHAT?
Fly: Yeah. Logan's convinced we're trying to bust Seth out so I can fuck with him or kill him or something, so he's ransoming Hicks off. Even exchange... Seth for Lucien. And I had a hotdog. Did you get the pictures?
[Even through their masks, Fly can see they didn't just from how their faces fell.]
Fly: Aww... oh well. I figured those two skanks wouldn't play ball, so I had my international network of skanks searched and collated...
[Odin, Zombie and Phantasm... er... Gran Trueno, Cheebacabra and Huracan Azul all look up at Fly expectantly.]
Fly: ...and photographed. Check your inbox, Kid.
Iceberg-Six: User 'Kid Phantasm' - you have one new message.
[Fly smiles knowingly.]
Fly: It's good to be the Champ.
[Phantasm steps over to Iceberg-Six and clicks a couple of buttons...]
Zombie: Oh shit!
Odin: Now that is a tiny piece of vagina.
Nightmare: ...but those pictures are all from the neck down...
Phantasm: Good point... but they look like they're amateur shots.
Nightmare: What's your point?
Fly: That the guy's not expecting Glamour Shots; he's going into federal lockup. He wants some meat-beat material.
Phantasm: And other than having someone get those two to autograph these things, I'm not sure how we could give him anything more 'authentic' without planting a camera in their dressing room.
Zombie: I call that part of the mission.
[Phantasm pulls his mask up and looks over at his best friend, whose self-satisfaction is all over his face.]
Phantasm: Jonny, if you knew you could get us pics like this, why'd you let Nightmare and I go ask those two for those damn pictures?
Fly: Hey, you pull amazing shit off all the time. Thought I'd see if you could actually get 'em.
[Even Nightmare laughs a bit at that.]
Nightmare: You asshole.
Fly: If anybody coulda pulled it off...
[Phantasm pulls his mask back down.]
Huracan Azul: Everybody ready?
[Three masked heads and one in sunglasses nod.]
La Diablesa: Ready as we're gonna get.
Cheebacabra: Got my rig in the rig, and it's loaded for bear. With bear tranquilizer. For me.
Gran Trueno: Let's smash this pinata.
Fly: I got a call to make, but... I'm right behind you guys the whole way!
[They all look at Fly.]
Fly: Come on... trust me!
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[Otisville, New York. All is quiet... a large two-and-a-half ton military vehicle drives quietly down the access road to Otisville Federal Prison. As the vehicle approaches, it suddenly backs up and begins turning around... it continues its slow turn until it has reversed its position as if it were headed away from the prison. A guard shines a spotlight on the vehicle.]
[About a hundred yards away from the guard tower, a large man in a blue and yellow lucha libre mask creeps up on a small utility shed. An armed guard standing before the shed looks just in time to see a great big boot hit him square in the temple, knocking him cold. If he'd remained conscious, he'd have also seen the large masked man give him a cold-cock with the butt of the man's own rifle 'just in case'. The large masked man steps into the shed... we hear a loud bump, and another guard flies out of the shed a few seconds later with his belt tied around his neck. And then...]
[Back at the guardtower, the spotlighted vehicle has drawn a good bit of attention. Two guards approach the vehicle, one radioing regarding its lack of any alphanumeric identification... and then, the spotlight goes out. All of the lights in the prison go out, in fact... and the lights of the two-and-a-half ton truck come on with a start. A few confused men point guns towards the back of the armored truck...]
[...but a small explosion from a hundred yards or so away turns their heads for just one second... just long enough for the large truck to throw itself into reverse and run ass-end first into the guard tower, making a huge dent in the foundation of the building. The truck pulls once, then twice... then dislodges itself from the building... and as it tears ass away from the building, it makes a sharp turn to the right...]
[...pulling up a few yards away from the smoldering utility shed, still spitting sparks into the night. The large masked man jumps into the passenger seat of the gigantic assault vehicle's cab.]
Odin: Think I used enough C4?
Zombie: If you got any left we'll just chuck it out the back at the dudes chasing us.
[The truck leaves a deep trail in the grass as it jumps the median and gets onto the freeway.]
Zombie: You feel like we're missing something?
Odin: Yeah, kinda. I say we make a pit stop.
Zombie: With all the cops looking for us, you mean?
Odin: Yeah.
Zombie: I'm in.
[As the truck drives out of sight, we see a police car chase it... and another... and then, as the camera pulls back, the only lights we see are police cars starting up and chasing the offending assault vehicle. Inside the prison, only the dim emergency lights are on... the electronic locks on the cells all default. The riot starts slowly, but grows...]
[...and in one cell block, at the back of the prison, two men sit patiently as the world goes mad around them.]
Nightmare: Pssst.
[One of these men - a man smiling though he's been convicted of a capital murder - looks up to the bars in his cell's 'window'.]
Nightmare: Seth! Get away from the wall... we're gonna smoke this end out, and then we're blasting through.
[Seth looks panicked for a second...]
Seth Lerch: Is that safe?
[From below, we hear the voice of Kid Phantasm.]
Phantasm: Trust me, boss. It's safer than life in the big house.
[Seth and Vic get under their bunks. Nightmare disappears from the window...]
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[...but on the ground outside the prison, she and Kid Phantasm have rigged up a bit of det-cord they managed to snag from Odin and Zombie's bag of toys. Nightmare begins tossing smoke bombs through windows, effectively blinding the whole corridor.]
Nightmare: Alright baby, we're clear.
Phantasm: Smoke 'em if you got 'em.
Nightmare: This joint is lit, baby.
[Phantasm adds the final piece to the puzzle - a small parcel of homemade gelignite, topped with a blasting cap.]
Phantasm: Then it's time to blow!
[Phantasm and Nightmare run about a hundred feet back, and then Phantasm flips a small switch. Chunks of concrete wall blast inward.]
Nightmare: Holy shit that was hot. Remind me to f-
[Phantasm cuts her off quickly]
Phantasm: Hope they're still alive in there...
[Slowly, Seth Lerch and Vic Venable appear from the rubble... Phantasm and Nightmare wave to them, and they begin running for the hills.]
Seth Lerch: I can't... *pant* ...believe...you guys... *pant* pulled...this off!
Phantasm: Neither... *pant* ...can we...
[Just then, a helicopter flies overhead.]
Nightmare: Oh... fuck.
[The helicopter's light finds the four of them in the darkness easily... all four raise their hands and drop to their knees in surrender. The helicopter decends...]
Phantasm: Wait a second, guys - that's not a police chopper. I've seen that helicopter before... in Vegas.
Fly: Come on, Seth, get in! I'm still your attorney, right? Well now, I think we've finally got a case!
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'Cheebacabra': Theres no time!
'Gran Trueno': Theres always time for a cheeseburger!
'Cheebacabra': Alright, alright. What do you want?
'Gran Trueno': You can’t go through the drive thru. I hate drive thrus. Just pull in.
[Zombie takes a hard right and barrels right through the McDonalds. Odin opens his door and scoops up a few burgers and snags a couple sodas for he and Zombie as the patrons of the building scatter for safety. Zombie circles the wheel back around as they pull back out onto the street as Odin hands him a burger.]
'Cheebacabra': Take the wheel.
[Odin grabs the wheel as Zombie reaches into his pockets and pulls out baggies of coke which he rips them open and pours it all over his burger before just shoving it into his face.]
WHAM! TINK!
'Cheebacabra': What was that?
'Gran Trueno': We just plowed through a light pole.
[The light pole flips up and over the truck as it crash lands onto the lead chase cars, causing those behind them to pile up and flip over.]
'Cheebacabra': Bitchin!
[Zombie looks back up with coke all over his face as he takes the wheel.]
'Cheebacabra': What's today?
'Gran Trueno': Carpe Diem, bitch! That’s today!
'Cheebacabra': Good, I need socks, we’re goin to the mall.
'Gran Trueno': I know a shortcut. Go right under the free way.
'Cheebacabra': We won’t fit.
'Gran Trueno': That’s what she said!
'Cheebacabra': Giggity!
[Zombie continues to lead the police as they approach the highway under pass.]
'Gran Trueno': So what else did you get while I was breaking into the armory?
'Cheebacabra': Take a look.
[Odin reaches behind him and starts rummaging around and pulls a blanket off of a large mass.]
'Gran Trueno': O. Shit!
'Cheebacabra': O.J.!
OJ: Thanks for springing me. Are we clear of the cops?
'Cheebacabra': Na, Juice, they’re still chasin us.
OJ: Ah, well shit. What we gonna do?
'Gran Trueno': We’re takin a detour to the mall.
OJ: Well damn, the juice needs him some socks.
'Cheebacabra': I know, right. That’s what I was telling ‘Gran Trueno' over here.
OJ: That’s Odin Balfore.
'Gran Trueno': Zombie, if he wants to ride with us, he’ll need a cool name.
OJ: How about El Phantino?
'Cheebacabra': Now he just needs a mask.
[OJ pulls his very own lucha mask out of his pants.]
'El Phantino': Already got you covered. I never leave home without it.
'Gran Trueno': Where did you get that from?
'El Phantino': Prison wallet.
'Gran Trueno': Well now that you’re suited up, make yourself useful and start droppin bombs. Bring the Thunder!
[OJ looks through Odin's knapsack and pulls out that grenade launcher.]
'El Phantino': What the hell is this?
'Gran Trueno': It’s a granade launcher, use it. I had to break into police barracks to get it.
'Cheebacabra': Juice, you drive. Me and Odin will handle the explosives.
[The Juice nods his head as he pulls out a set of gloves. Zombie and Odin just look at each other.]
'El Phantino': What, it's for driving.
[They all switch seats so Juice can lead as the boys have a little fun with the cops. Odin takes out his grenade launcher as Zombie gets some road flares. WWOOOOO! Odin punches the hatch out of the roof and starts fireing tear gas granades that bounce off the cars and through wind shields, fogging up the interiors and causing the cops to swerve out of control.]
'Cheebacabra': Odin, what's this?
[Zombie pulls a canister off of Odin's jacket, then the pin.]
'Gran Trueno': That’s a live grenade.
'Cheebacabra': HAHA, live grenade. [he sits and thinks.] OHH SHITT!
'El Phantino': Alright guys, we’re coming up to the over pass.
[Zombie hucks the grenade out the window as they go under the over pass.]
'El Phantino': Is that Johnny Stylez suckin dick over there?
BOOOM!!
[The grenade goes off.]
'Gran Trueno': I think it WAS Johnny Stylez suckin dick.
'Cheebacabra': No, no, I think he’s ok.. that’s a shame..
BOOM, THUMM..
[The over pass collapses as the middle rush of chase cars approach the bridge.]
'Gran Trueno': AND.. He’s dead.
'Cheebacabra': Good, now you won’t have anyone to blame when I whoop your ass later on.
'Gran Trueno': Shut up!
'El Phantino': Oh look, a cheeseburger. What's this white stuff on it? Is that coke? Aww yeah, shucky-ducky.
'Gran Trueno': Well I think that does it for the cops.
'El Phantino': Where's my money?
'Gran Trueno' & 'Cheebacabra': What money?
'El Phantino': The money Conrad owes me.
'Gran Trueno': For what?
El Phantino: He knows.
'Cheebacabra': The JUICE! You PIMP! Killin bitches all up in this like a motha fucka!
'Gran Trueno': Well Fly better have done his part. This better have been worth it.
'Cheebacabra': The Juice is loose, of course it was all worth it! We are the fuckin Breakout Kings!
-------------------------------------------------------------
[The scene cuts back to the ToT, who have been reunited with Seth Lerch. Lerch, Logan, Franky, and Doc are walking away from the negotiation scene, relieved that everything is all over now.]
Seth: Y'know, I missed you guys in prison, I really did. That's why tonight, we're all getting shit-faced, on me!
Logan: Good, cause I left all my money in the hotel room. Gotta' be careful with them greedy Mexicans!
Doc: Um...do any of you guys feels like we totally forgot about something?
Seth: Yeah, a little. Why?
[FPV turns his head and notices a figure creeping behind Seth, about to stab him right in the neck with a shank. He acts quickly and tackles the assailant to the ground, as the others turn to see what the fuck is happening.]
Doc: I knew it wasn't over!
[FPV gets a good shot of the figure's face, and it turns out he's none other than FPVs brother, Vic, who the ToT used to send Seth the message that he was getting sprung out. Vic looks at FPV and smirks a cocky little grin.]
Vic: Hiya, Teardrop!
FPV: YOU. MOTHERFUCKING...
[FPV runs at top speed towards Vic, who blows a childish raspberry at FPV before running off, starting a chase through the streets. As FPV runs farther and farther away from the group, he yells out to his ToT comrades.]
FPV: DON'T WORRY BOUT ME, I'LL GET FUCKED UP LATER!
[The rest of the ToT look on at the running FPV.]
Logan: What was that all about?
Seth: Dunno. Perhaps Frank'll tell us later.
Doc: AHEM. Less talking, more drinking!
Seth: Righto, friend! Here's to not being in prison!
[The three continue their trip to the bar, ready to consume all the Pabst Blue Ribbons they can lay their eyes on.]
-------------------------------------------------------------
[Bobby is once again seated in his chair, smoking his pipe.]
Bobby Cairo: Smashing! What a ripping good yarn!
[Cairo applauds uproariously, looking just a tiny bit stoned at the moment.]
Bobby Cairo: Seth Lerch has been freed and justice has prevailed! Mission accomplished for the Breakout Kings! Now who doesn't love a happy ending? Of course--
[Cairo takes a deep breath and holds it for dramatic effect before exhaling.]
Bobby Cairo: Life does go on for the figures in our truthful tale of intrigue and espionage. Norman Barksdale was convicted of the murder of FBI Agent Green. Not only did he confess to the grisly crime, but his DNA was found amidst previously unanalyzed forensics from the crime scene. Poor Norman.
[Bobby shakes his head in pity.]
Bobby Cairo: WCF owner Seth Lerch received a pardon for the murder charge that he had been convicted of, and received an apology from the Director of the FBI. The next day, Jonny Fly was fired as his lawyer.
[Cairo flashes a smirk.]
Bobby Cairo: Good ol' Jonny. Always gettin' into somethin'. With Seth's release, the Team of Treachery had their team member and friend returned to them in exchange for rogue journalist Lucien Hicks. After being shown the 'fake nudes' of Twilight and Adams, Logan posted them on the Internet. Within a half an hour, the Internet was broken.
[Bobby nods his head in the affirmative.]
Bobby Cairo: I know I was stroking it to them honeybears. Da Funk currently has a #1 single in Latvia called "Free Seth Lerch." It's mostly just noises and samples of people talking about shaking butts, but it's catchy. No word as to whether or not any percentage of its sales went toward helping Seth Lerch's court costs, but hey... Seth's got money, right? Hahaha!
[Cairo takes another hit from that bong, er, I mean dignified and regal pipe.]
Bobby Cairo: As for "Slickie T" Allen Guiliano, he successfully rebuilt his casino from the ground up after the destruction that was caused by Kid Phantasm and friends. Sarah Twilight and Ayria Adams are still YOUR WCF Tag Team Champion, and they are still utterly terrifying... and quite sexy.
[Cairo taps his pee-pee, that Six Inches of Steel.]
Bobby Cairo: Corey Black is presently headlining shows every week for IWF in New York City. Who knows? Maybe he'll pop up in a WCF ring sometime soon!
[Bobby winks at cha ]
Bobby Cairo: Odin Balfore and Zombie McMorris caused roughly 2.3 million dollars in property damage within the course of 14 hours. Charges were never filed against them. However, 2100 miles away, two luchadores wearing similar masks to theirs, but not even vaguely matching their descriptions, were arrested and dragged away to a filthy Mexican prison. Damn this justice system!
[Cairo feigns outrage and a Hulk-style freak out... but nah, he's just playing. He takes another toke and laughs it up.]
Bobby Cairo: The Unstable Elements, La Diabella and Huracan Azul - Nightmare and Kid Phantasm, as we'd know them - were never implicated in the incident that day at the federal prison. They did not suffer any injuries that might affect their wrestling career during the prison break, but it is estimated that both will suffer minor injuries during post-heist coitus. YESSS!
[Cairo pops to his feet and performs a crude "humping" gesture before sitting back down and acting all refined and such again.]
Bobby Cairo: Jonny Fly is still WCF World Champion... and is now a billionaire thanks to his chain of "International House of Skanks" gentlemen's lounges. Somehow, through all of this, he has actually sort of become a decent human being... don't ask me how. Hell, who am I kidding? I love the guy! You da man, Fly!
[Bobby flashes a big thumbs up to the camera.]
Bobby Cairo: As for FPV, he eventually caught up with Vic. Let's just say that the resolution to their conflict will be shown on these very airwaves sometime in the not-too-distant future. Oh yes, it will be grand! That, ladies and gentlemen, concludes the "Where are they now?" portion of our program, which in turn concludes our Emmy Award-winning five-part miniseries "Breakout Kings of the Ring". Tune in next time on Bobby Cairo's Masterpiece Theatre when Shannan Lerch will be joining me as we demonstrate positions from the Kama Sutra. Until then, good night and godspeed!
[With one final toke and a wink from Cairo, we fade... to black.]
Bobby Cairo: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to Bobby Cairo's Masterpiece Theatre. Tonight we bring you the riveting conclusion of TV's finest miniseries, the epic-adventure known as Breakout Kings of the Ring. It has been quite a journey from Kid Phantasm's utility closet to Las Vegas, back to Kid Phantasm's utility closet, with a detour through New York City, and now finally, finally... our heroes are on the verge of completing one of the twenty-first century's greatest capers.
[Cairo uncrosses his legs and rises to his feet. He strolls about the room, which appears to be a library or study of some sort filled with shelf after shelf of erotic literature, keenly visible when the camera zooms in for boobies. We turn our attention back to Cairo, who is staring into the lens with a sort of whimsical glimmer in his eyes.]
Bobby Cairo: Will Kid Phantasm and his crew beat a corrupted system? Will they free a man, WCF owner Seth Lerch, who should have never been convicted in the first place? Will Jonny Fly redeem himself and save his soul? Will Odin Balfore and Zombie McMorris work together without blowing themselves and anyone within a ten mile radius to smithereens? Will all of the pieces to this unorthodox puzzle fit together in the end?
[Cairo takes another toke, holds it in for several moments, allowing it to collect inside of his lungs and esophagus, and finally exhales. He smiles big.]
Bobby Cairo: Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you... "Rejection to Redemption". Enjoy!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Breakout Kings of the Ring #5: "Rejection to Redemption"
Editor: Bobby Cairo
Head Writer: Kid Phantasm
Asst. Head Writer: Jonny Fly
Asst. Writer: Odin Balfore
Asst. Writer: Frank Venable
Asst. Writer: Logan
Asst. Writer: Sarah Twilight
Asst. Writer: Ayria Adams
Asst. Writer: Seth Lerch
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From the files of Lucien Hicks, Renegade Reporter:
Kidnapped journalists are usually in grave danger... in some countries, they're in danger of being forced to lie to their nation's media by separatists. In some countries they're in danger of being beheaded. In some countries, they're in danger of being ransomed off for an exorbitant amount of money. In this country... in this company, to be more specific, it appears I'm mostly just in danger of an interview.
"So what questions do you have for Mr. WCF, trashcan?"
Albeit an interview with a lunatic... during a barbecue, no less. I found myself sitting at a table in what I'm guessing is the Team of Treachery's 'locker room', sitting about fifteen feet from a small indoor grill and about four feet from none other than Logan himself.
"You want a hotdog, Hicks?"
"Actually, they smell-"
"SHUT UP! Here."
From behind me to my right, Frank Venable handed me a hotdog on a bun, complete with sauerkraut. Yeah, these were dangerous men... say what you will, it takes practice to know how to host a captive. FPV looked a bit more sinister than he did when last I saw him... I guess Logan just has that affect on people. Or maybe it's the hotdogs... I took my first bite and tasted a hotdog of treachery for the first time. Whatever's in there, it's definitely not kosher.
"So how do I feel about being a five-time World Champion? How does it feel to be Mr. WCF? How do I sleep at night knowing that I make Roy Speede cry? WHY AREN'T YOU ASKING THESE QUESTIONS? Aren't you a journalist, Hicks?"
I continued to chew the hotdog, wondering if I'd have to explain how the human mouth works before-
"SHUT UP! Eat your hotdog and I'll interview myself."
--------------------------------------------------------------
[We’re back in the Team of Treachery’s locker room. Nearly three hours have passed since the previous scene but Logan is still asking himself questions as Lucien Hicks looks on, more disturbed than scared at this point.]
Logan: So, Logan, what’s it feel like to be challenging for your sixth WCF World Title, a would-be record?
Logan: Good question, Lucien, it gives me a tingle in the Crotch of Treachery. All these other trashcans think they’re so damn special…
[At this point the door to the locker room is opened and in barges…WCF World Champion Jonny Fly.]
Logan: Speaking of trashcans. How the hell did you find us?
Fly: I’m part Indian.
[Everyone looks at Fly puzzled.]
Fly: Nah, just kidding, I’m just rich.
Logan: SHUT UP!
Fly: I’m here to take Lucien back. I’d recommend just handing him over, the other option, by force…yeah, you don’t want that.
Logan: OH YEAH?
[Fly nods his head as Logan scowls at him.]
Logan: I tell you what; I’ll make you a deal. Bring me Seth Lerch, as a free man, and I’ll release Hicks.
[Fly thinks on the deal for a second before responding.]
Fly: I’ll counter your offer. I’ll agree to bring you Seth Lerch in return for Hicks, IF, I can get something from Hicks that will help me get Seth out.
Logan: What are you talking about, boudle?
[Fly walks over to Hicks and takes the hot dog out of his hand. He takes a seat and begins enjoying the delicious hot dog. Fly scarfs the first hot dog down, and asks for another. Logan, confused, hands him another hot dog.]
Fly: I needed nourishment.
[Logan says nothing as Fly finishes the second hot dog.]
Fly: Hey, would you mind if I borrow FPV for this mission?
Logan: No!
Fly: I thought we just bonded right there. Why can’t I use FPV?
Logan: Then you’ll have TWO Team of Treachery hostages to my dumbass reporter hostage.
Fly: I have a plan though, and I need FPV to do it.
Logan: I thought you only needed hot dogs!
Fly: I needed those too!
Logan: Well stop being so damn needy and bring me back my friend Seth Lerch!
[Fly explodes from his seat ready to pounce at Logan, Logan has the same idea and the two men stand toe-to-toe with one another for a tense moment. Fly breaks the tension by walking around Logan, toward the door.]
Fly: Nevermind. I have a better idea anyway.
[Fly walks out of the locker room and Logan turns his attention back to Hicks.]
Logan: I’m sorry for that interruption, babygurl. If I remember correctly you were asking me who cuts this beautiful flowing red hair of mine, right?
[Lucien takes in a deep gulp, at this point likely now more scared than disturbed. Or maybe both. Who knows? Hopefully someone can save the poor guy. The scene cuts away.]
--------------------------------------------------------------
[Meanwhile, on the other side of the WCF Arena, we see Kid Phantasm and Nightmare trodding down a hallway with expressions on their faces as if someone had just run over their dog.]
Nightmare: This is a bad idea.
Phantasm: This is the WORST idea. But we said we'd try, and if Fly's willing to sneak into a federal building and plant evidence, the least we can do-
Nightmare: -is ask two of our enemies for nude photos of themselves? This is the most degrading thing I've done in the wrestling business.
Phantasm: You and me both, baby. Let's try and keep it that way.
[They come to a door marked "WCF TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS" "Sarah Twilight" "Ayria Adams".]
Nightmare: We should get some more signage for our door.
Phantasm: ...nah. I like the aura of mystery thing.
[Kid Phantasm takes a deep breath... and audibly gulps. He knocks carefully at the door. A voice from inside shouts in a bemused tone...]
Voice: Enter...
[Phantasm opens the door. The room is a medium-sized dressing room, but the decor is... somewhat ecclectic, to say the least. Occult, even. Leaning up against the far wall is WCF Tag Champion Ayria Adams, who always appears to be preparing for a fist-fight... sitting at a table reading a large black tome is WCF Tag Champion Sarah Twilight. As the Unstable Elements enter the room, Ayria Adams cautiously steps forward, positioning herself for some sort of counter-assault. Twilight just looks up from her book dismissively.]
Sarah Twilight: What do *you* want?
Phantasm: Well hey there. Nice to finally meet you ladies, officially... I'm Kid Ph-
Sarah Twilight: What. Do. You. Want?
Ayria Adams: And make it fast... I'm getting tired of looking at you.
[Nightmare growls slightly.]
Ayria Adams: Ooh, I like that. You gonna bark all day, bitch, or-
[Kid Phantasm reaches an arm out, blocking Nightmare from advancing any further.]
Phantasm: Hate to bother y'all, but we've hit a bit of a snag getting our boss out of prison. See, we've been-
Sarah Twilight: -cleaning up after your hero Jonny Fly. You're fucking pathetic, you know that?
[Twilight stands and advances towards the Phantasm. Their eyes lock... and Kid notices two things immediately. Firstly, his boyish charm has absolutely no effect on Sarah Twilight... and secondly, that under that beautiful body and behind those mysterious eyes lies an utterly and completely terrifying woman.]
Phantasm: I don't work for Jonny Fly. I work for WCF... and Seth Lerch. That's who I'm here for... I'm here to help save our boss. I'm here to save this company.
Sarah Twilight: Save the crap about 'your mission' for your poor excuses for promos, little boy. Speak your piece and get out.
[Ayria Adams cracks her knuckles.]
Phantasm: We found the guy who... actually did it. And he's already in jail awaiting trial for another murder. He's agreed to take the charge for Seth because he's a huge WCF fan and it'll move him into a nicer federal prison...
Ayria Adams: My tax dollars at work.
Sarah Twilight: Get to the point.
Phantasm: He said he just wants something to keep him company for his extended federal stay...
Nightmare: I can't believe we're actually doing this.
Phantasm: He wants nude photos of you two. That's the only way he'll take the charge so we can get Seth out of prison.
[Sarah Twilight looks over to Ayria Adams, who is already preparing to beat the Unstable Elements senseless.]
Sarah Twilight: So you mean to tell me you two came to see us to ask us... for that. To save our asshole boss and his dickhead 'attorney'?
[She laughs.]
Sarah Twilight: I'd ask if you were out of your fucking minds, but even you're not that crazy. No, if you're coming here...for that... you're desperate. So my question to you is, just how desperate are you?
[Ayria Adams gives Nightmare an angry stare.]
Ayria Adams: I just wanna hit the girl once or twice.
[Nightmare stares right back.]
Nightmare: Likewise.
[Kid winces, hoping Sarah Twilight didn't catch that.]
Sarah Twilight: Tell you what... we'll do it.
Ayria Adams: Wait, wh-
Sarah Twilight: We'll do it as soon as you bring me two things... one is the WCF World Title.
[The color runs out of Phantasm's face a bit.]
Sarah Twilight: And if you want those pictures, you'll bring that belt wrapped around the head of Jonny Fly.
[Phantasm doesn't need to ask if she's serious - the look in her eyes is bone-chillingly serious. After his tongue returns to him, Phantasm responds.]
Phantasm: ...in that case, we're sorry for taking up your time.
[As the Unstable Elements pull the door shut behind them, they hear a voice...]
Ayria Adams: ...not as sorry as you should've been.
-----------------------------------------------------------
[We’re facing the glass outer façade of the Federal Bureau of Investigation’s Crime Laboratory in Quantico, Virginia. The 500,000 square foot facility overpowers the camera’s view in all directions as the endless supply of windows gleam in the sunlight. The rectangular building features many entrances, but we found ourselves positioned in the middle, at the main entrance. We scan to see dozens of people walking in and out of the building, most of who are wearing white coats and appear to be scientists, doctors, or technicians. We also spot Kelvin Staylor and Markus Jayson, The 8th Wonder, wearing white coats, spectacles, and walking toward us hitting each other in the arm.
Jayson: I’m telling you, I’ve been watching ‘Get Smart’ on repeat for three days; I’m as qualified to be a spy as anyone in history ever!
Staylor: You can’t even spell qualified!
Jayson: Neither can you!
Staylor: Oh man, that’s a good point. Who was it that told us to be here again?
Jayson: That one guy with the shiny belt who gets all the bitches. What was his name again, Fly Jonny?
[At that moment Fly himself enters the scene. Fly is wearing his normal dress slacks and button-down dress shirt, obviously not worrying about disguising himself at all. He looks at Jayson and Staylor in their white coats and spectacles.]
Fly: Are you fucking kidding me? Disguises? What do you guys think you are doing?
Staylor: Um, well, you said we had to plant evidence in the FBI laboratory. So, we dressed up as scientists. That’s smart, right?
Fly: No, it’s not. You really think I would let you guys sneak in and plant the evidence?
Jayson: I’ve been preparing for three days for this!
Fly: By doing what? Watching ‘Get Smart’ on DVD?
Jayson: …..no!
Fly: I tell you what guys, I’ll let you come in there with me under one condition, and one condition only.
Jayson: WHAT!?
Staylor: WHAT!?
Fly: Under the condition that you act like yourself. Take off the disguises and just…be yourself. As soon as we walk in the door I want to see you guys act like the real Markus Jayson and the real Kelvin Staylor. Deal?
Staylor: DEAL!
Jayson: DEAL!
[Fly nods his head and The 8th Wonder members strip off their disguises and begin following Jonny Fly as he heads toward the front entrance to the FBI lab. Upon entering, holding up their end of the promise, Markus Jayson and Kelvin Staylor begin to act like themselves. With security looking on, Jayson and Staylor begin to hold a philosophical conversation in the foyer of the world’s top crime laboratory.]
Jayson: Hey Stay, do you ever think oranges will mutate enough to be able to fly?
Staylor: Interesting question. Why do you ask?
Jayson: Well, pears mutated enough to fly, but pears are gross. I want a flying orange that I can keep in a cage and teach how to talk.
Staylor: Pears can fly?
Jayson: Yep. The mutated form of the common edible pear is called a Parakeet and it flies! For approximately ten percent of owners, it talks too!
Staylor: That’s a bird! Not a mutated fruit!
Jayson: What would you know, you still think that Aaron Miles is a cyborg robot!
Staylor: THOSE ARE TWO DIFFERENT THINGS, DUMBASS!
Jayson: That's what I told you!
[At this point security walks over and tries to calm the bickering duo.]
Security: Hey guys keep it down would you? Take your disagreement outside if you wish to continue.
Staylor: Look at this guy. Nice disguise, buddy! What part are you playing in our plan?
Security: What are you talking about?
Jayson: Oh come on, the plan, with Jonny Fly….you’re in on it, obviously. Are you supposed to pose as a security guard and get us access upstairs?
Security: Gentlemen, I think it’s time for you both to leave. You don’t belong here.
Staylor: You trying to steal our thunder, biyotch? We’re an integral part of this plan! You can't do it without us!
[The security guard grabs the arms of Kelvin Staylor and Markus Jayson and begins pulling them toward the door. This incites a rage in the jobber tag-team, and they go on a karate-chopping spree of epic proportions. The security guard falls immediately, but backup has already arrived. Every single security guard patrolling the front entrance of the FBI laboratory is now in the scene restraining Jayson and Staylor and removing them from the premises. Meanwhile, Jonny Fly, observing the entire scene quietly from a distance, nonchalantly walks through security and proceeds toward the elevators. Fly looks at the directory next to the elevator, noticing that ‘Evidence Examination’ is on the third floor of the building. The elevator opens; Fly enters, and presses the button for the third floor. As the doors close Fly reaches into his pocket and pulls out a fake badge identifying himself as a ‘Forensic Analyst’ and clips it to his front shirt pocket. The doors to the elevator open and Fly walks out onto the floor. He takes a quick moment to find his bearings and begins moving walking to the left, down a hallway. As Fly walks down the hallway he spots a technician walking toward him and flags him down.]
Fly: Hey, bud, first time here. I’ve been brought in to help on a case from New York City. Would you mind telling me where the evidence archives are kept?
? ? ?: Yeah, go down the hall, take a right, and it’ll be your second door on the left.
[Fly nods his head, smiles, and proceeds down the hall. When the hall ends he takes a right and walks to the second door on the left. He pushes it open and reveals shelves upon shelves of boxes, each labeled with a case number, last name, and date. The boxes are sorted alphabetically, and Fly proceeds to the ‘D’ section.]
Fly: Dumbass, dumbass, where is dumbass?
[Oh wait, that’s right, Seth’s last name is Lerch! What an embarrassing mistake. Fly shakes his head at his own idiocy, and then proceeds to the ‘L’ section. He scans through the boxes until he finds Seth’s case box and pulls it down from the shelf. He opens it and the first thing that we see is the pee-stained jacket of Agent Green’s. Fly reaches into his pocket and pulls out a cup with a yellow liquid in it.]
Fly: This is going to confuse the shit out of them!
[Fly pours the yellow liquid, which we infer is piss from Norman Barksdale, onto the jacket before wrapping it back up tightly and tucking it back into the box. Fly reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a vial that contains a few pieces of hair, also of which we infer to be Norman Barksdale’s. Fly tosses the vial into the box, closes it back up, and sets it back into its spot on the shelves. Fly then quickly exits the room, proceeds back to the elevator, and heads back down to the first floor making sure to avoid any contact with the lab’s personnel. Security is back at their post at this point on the first floor and Fly hurriedly walks past them toward the outside…the deed is done.]
-----------------------------------------------------------
[Back at Polar Base, the Breakout Kings of the Ring team is finally gearing up for the main phase of the plan. Odin Balfore, Nightmare, Zombie McMorris and Kid Phantasm all wear black-on-black outfits and their chosen lucha libre masks... the schematic on the pegboard has been altered to look more like a scenario for troop movements. There is an arsenal of heavy tools and non-lethal weapons on the table. The door opens and all four wrestlers snap to attention, wondering if their plans were about to be discovered (and if they'd have to hide a body in the course of saving their boss)... but it's just Jonny Fly, the 'respectable' member of their team. Well, one of them, anyway...]
Phantasm: Where's Lucien?
Fly: ToT got him. I got the evidence from Logan, but... get this... they want a hostage exchange.
Nightmare: WHAT?
Fly: Yeah. Logan's convinced we're trying to bust Seth out so I can fuck with him or kill him or something, so he's ransoming Hicks off. Even exchange... Seth for Lucien. And I had a hotdog. Did you get the pictures?
[Even through their masks, Fly can see they didn't just from how their faces fell.]
Fly: Aww... oh well. I figured those two skanks wouldn't play ball, so I had my international network of skanks searched and collated...
[Odin, Zombie and Phantasm... er... Gran Trueno, Cheebacabra and Huracan Azul all look up at Fly expectantly.]
Fly: ...and photographed. Check your inbox, Kid.
Iceberg-Six: User 'Kid Phantasm' - you have one new message.
[Fly smiles knowingly.]
Fly: It's good to be the Champ.
[Phantasm steps over to Iceberg-Six and clicks a couple of buttons...]
Zombie: Oh shit!
Odin: Now that is a tiny piece of vagina.
Nightmare: ...but those pictures are all from the neck down...
Phantasm: Good point... but they look like they're amateur shots.
Nightmare: What's your point?
Fly: That the guy's not expecting Glamour Shots; he's going into federal lockup. He wants some meat-beat material.
Phantasm: And other than having someone get those two to autograph these things, I'm not sure how we could give him anything more 'authentic' without planting a camera in their dressing room.
Zombie: I call that part of the mission.
[Phantasm pulls his mask up and looks over at his best friend, whose self-satisfaction is all over his face.]
Phantasm: Jonny, if you knew you could get us pics like this, why'd you let Nightmare and I go ask those two for those damn pictures?
Fly: Hey, you pull amazing shit off all the time. Thought I'd see if you could actually get 'em.
[Even Nightmare laughs a bit at that.]
Nightmare: You asshole.
Fly: If anybody coulda pulled it off...
[Phantasm pulls his mask back down.]
Huracan Azul: Everybody ready?
[Three masked heads and one in sunglasses nod.]
La Diablesa: Ready as we're gonna get.
Cheebacabra: Got my rig in the rig, and it's loaded for bear. With bear tranquilizer. For me.
Gran Trueno: Let's smash this pinata.
Fly: I got a call to make, but... I'm right behind you guys the whole way!
[They all look at Fly.]
Fly: Come on... trust me!
-----------------------------------------------------------
[Otisville, New York. All is quiet... a large two-and-a-half ton military vehicle drives quietly down the access road to Otisville Federal Prison. As the vehicle approaches, it suddenly backs up and begins turning around... it continues its slow turn until it has reversed its position as if it were headed away from the prison. A guard shines a spotlight on the vehicle.]
[About a hundred yards away from the guard tower, a large man in a blue and yellow lucha libre mask creeps up on a small utility shed. An armed guard standing before the shed looks just in time to see a great big boot hit him square in the temple, knocking him cold. If he'd remained conscious, he'd have also seen the large masked man give him a cold-cock with the butt of the man's own rifle 'just in case'. The large masked man steps into the shed... we hear a loud bump, and another guard flies out of the shed a few seconds later with his belt tied around his neck. And then...]
[Back at the guardtower, the spotlighted vehicle has drawn a good bit of attention. Two guards approach the vehicle, one radioing regarding its lack of any alphanumeric identification... and then, the spotlight goes out. All of the lights in the prison go out, in fact... and the lights of the two-and-a-half ton truck come on with a start. A few confused men point guns towards the back of the armored truck...]
[...but a small explosion from a hundred yards or so away turns their heads for just one second... just long enough for the large truck to throw itself into reverse and run ass-end first into the guard tower, making a huge dent in the foundation of the building. The truck pulls once, then twice... then dislodges itself from the building... and as it tears ass away from the building, it makes a sharp turn to the right...]
[...pulling up a few yards away from the smoldering utility shed, still spitting sparks into the night. The large masked man jumps into the passenger seat of the gigantic assault vehicle's cab.]
Odin: Think I used enough C4?
Zombie: If you got any left we'll just chuck it out the back at the dudes chasing us.
[The truck leaves a deep trail in the grass as it jumps the median and gets onto the freeway.]
Zombie: You feel like we're missing something?
Odin: Yeah, kinda. I say we make a pit stop.
Zombie: With all the cops looking for us, you mean?
Odin: Yeah.
Zombie: I'm in.
[As the truck drives out of sight, we see a police car chase it... and another... and then, as the camera pulls back, the only lights we see are police cars starting up and chasing the offending assault vehicle. Inside the prison, only the dim emergency lights are on... the electronic locks on the cells all default. The riot starts slowly, but grows...]
[...and in one cell block, at the back of the prison, two men sit patiently as the world goes mad around them.]
Nightmare: Pssst.
[One of these men - a man smiling though he's been convicted of a capital murder - looks up to the bars in his cell's 'window'.]
Nightmare: Seth! Get away from the wall... we're gonna smoke this end out, and then we're blasting through.
[Seth looks panicked for a second...]
Seth Lerch: Is that safe?
[From below, we hear the voice of Kid Phantasm.]
Phantasm: Trust me, boss. It's safer than life in the big house.
[Seth and Vic get under their bunks. Nightmare disappears from the window...]
----------------------------------------------------
[...but on the ground outside the prison, she and Kid Phantasm have rigged up a bit of det-cord they managed to snag from Odin and Zombie's bag of toys. Nightmare begins tossing smoke bombs through windows, effectively blinding the whole corridor.]
Nightmare: Alright baby, we're clear.
Phantasm: Smoke 'em if you got 'em.
Nightmare: This joint is lit, baby.
[Phantasm adds the final piece to the puzzle - a small parcel of homemade gelignite, topped with a blasting cap.]
Phantasm: Then it's time to blow!
[Phantasm and Nightmare run about a hundred feet back, and then Phantasm flips a small switch. Chunks of concrete wall blast inward.]
Nightmare: Holy shit that was hot. Remind me to f-
[Phantasm cuts her off quickly]
Phantasm: Hope they're still alive in there...
[Slowly, Seth Lerch and Vic Venable appear from the rubble... Phantasm and Nightmare wave to them, and they begin running for the hills.]
Seth Lerch: I can't... *pant* ...believe...you guys... *pant* pulled...this off!
Phantasm: Neither... *pant* ...can we...
[Just then, a helicopter flies overhead.]
Nightmare: Oh... fuck.
[The helicopter's light finds the four of them in the darkness easily... all four raise their hands and drop to their knees in surrender. The helicopter decends...]
Phantasm: Wait a second, guys - that's not a police chopper. I've seen that helicopter before... in Vegas.
Fly: Come on, Seth, get in! I'm still your attorney, right? Well now, I think we've finally got a case!
-------------------------------------------------------------
'Cheebacabra': Theres no time!
'Gran Trueno': Theres always time for a cheeseburger!
'Cheebacabra': Alright, alright. What do you want?
'Gran Trueno': You can’t go through the drive thru. I hate drive thrus. Just pull in.
[Zombie takes a hard right and barrels right through the McDonalds. Odin opens his door and scoops up a few burgers and snags a couple sodas for he and Zombie as the patrons of the building scatter for safety. Zombie circles the wheel back around as they pull back out onto the street as Odin hands him a burger.]
'Cheebacabra': Take the wheel.
[Odin grabs the wheel as Zombie reaches into his pockets and pulls out baggies of coke which he rips them open and pours it all over his burger before just shoving it into his face.]
WHAM! TINK!
'Cheebacabra': What was that?
'Gran Trueno': We just plowed through a light pole.
[The light pole flips up and over the truck as it crash lands onto the lead chase cars, causing those behind them to pile up and flip over.]
'Cheebacabra': Bitchin!
[Zombie looks back up with coke all over his face as he takes the wheel.]
'Cheebacabra': What's today?
'Gran Trueno': Carpe Diem, bitch! That’s today!
'Cheebacabra': Good, I need socks, we’re goin to the mall.
'Gran Trueno': I know a shortcut. Go right under the free way.
'Cheebacabra': We won’t fit.
'Gran Trueno': That’s what she said!
'Cheebacabra': Giggity!
[Zombie continues to lead the police as they approach the highway under pass.]
'Gran Trueno': So what else did you get while I was breaking into the armory?
'Cheebacabra': Take a look.
[Odin reaches behind him and starts rummaging around and pulls a blanket off of a large mass.]
'Gran Trueno': O. Shit!
'Cheebacabra': O.J.!
OJ: Thanks for springing me. Are we clear of the cops?
'Cheebacabra': Na, Juice, they’re still chasin us.
OJ: Ah, well shit. What we gonna do?
'Gran Trueno': We’re takin a detour to the mall.
OJ: Well damn, the juice needs him some socks.
'Cheebacabra': I know, right. That’s what I was telling ‘Gran Trueno' over here.
OJ: That’s Odin Balfore.
'Gran Trueno': Zombie, if he wants to ride with us, he’ll need a cool name.
OJ: How about El Phantino?
'Cheebacabra': Now he just needs a mask.
[OJ pulls his very own lucha mask out of his pants.]
'El Phantino': Already got you covered. I never leave home without it.
'Gran Trueno': Where did you get that from?
'El Phantino': Prison wallet.
'Gran Trueno': Well now that you’re suited up, make yourself useful and start droppin bombs. Bring the Thunder!
[OJ looks through Odin's knapsack and pulls out that grenade launcher.]
'El Phantino': What the hell is this?
'Gran Trueno': It’s a granade launcher, use it. I had to break into police barracks to get it.
'Cheebacabra': Juice, you drive. Me and Odin will handle the explosives.
[The Juice nods his head as he pulls out a set of gloves. Zombie and Odin just look at each other.]
'El Phantino': What, it's for driving.
[They all switch seats so Juice can lead as the boys have a little fun with the cops. Odin takes out his grenade launcher as Zombie gets some road flares. WWOOOOO! Odin punches the hatch out of the roof and starts fireing tear gas granades that bounce off the cars and through wind shields, fogging up the interiors and causing the cops to swerve out of control.]
'Cheebacabra': Odin, what's this?
[Zombie pulls a canister off of Odin's jacket, then the pin.]
'Gran Trueno': That’s a live grenade.
'Cheebacabra': HAHA, live grenade. [he sits and thinks.] OHH SHITT!
'El Phantino': Alright guys, we’re coming up to the over pass.
[Zombie hucks the grenade out the window as they go under the over pass.]
'El Phantino': Is that Johnny Stylez suckin dick over there?
BOOOM!!
[The grenade goes off.]
'Gran Trueno': I think it WAS Johnny Stylez suckin dick.
'Cheebacabra': No, no, I think he’s ok.. that’s a shame..
BOOM, THUMM..
[The over pass collapses as the middle rush of chase cars approach the bridge.]
'Gran Trueno': AND.. He’s dead.
'Cheebacabra': Good, now you won’t have anyone to blame when I whoop your ass later on.
'Gran Trueno': Shut up!
'El Phantino': Oh look, a cheeseburger. What's this white stuff on it? Is that coke? Aww yeah, shucky-ducky.
'Gran Trueno': Well I think that does it for the cops.
'El Phantino': Where's my money?
'Gran Trueno' & 'Cheebacabra': What money?
'El Phantino': The money Conrad owes me.
'Gran Trueno': For what?
El Phantino: He knows.
'Cheebacabra': The JUICE! You PIMP! Killin bitches all up in this like a motha fucka!
'Gran Trueno': Well Fly better have done his part. This better have been worth it.
'Cheebacabra': The Juice is loose, of course it was all worth it! We are the fuckin Breakout Kings!
-------------------------------------------------------------
[The scene cuts back to the ToT, who have been reunited with Seth Lerch. Lerch, Logan, Franky, and Doc are walking away from the negotiation scene, relieved that everything is all over now.]
Seth: Y'know, I missed you guys in prison, I really did. That's why tonight, we're all getting shit-faced, on me!
Logan: Good, cause I left all my money in the hotel room. Gotta' be careful with them greedy Mexicans!
Doc: Um...do any of you guys feels like we totally forgot about something?
Seth: Yeah, a little. Why?
[FPV turns his head and notices a figure creeping behind Seth, about to stab him right in the neck with a shank. He acts quickly and tackles the assailant to the ground, as the others turn to see what the fuck is happening.]
Doc: I knew it wasn't over!
[FPV gets a good shot of the figure's face, and it turns out he's none other than FPVs brother, Vic, who the ToT used to send Seth the message that he was getting sprung out. Vic looks at FPV and smirks a cocky little grin.]
Vic: Hiya, Teardrop!
FPV: YOU. MOTHERFUCKING...
[FPV runs at top speed towards Vic, who blows a childish raspberry at FPV before running off, starting a chase through the streets. As FPV runs farther and farther away from the group, he yells out to his ToT comrades.]
FPV: DON'T WORRY BOUT ME, I'LL GET FUCKED UP LATER!
[The rest of the ToT look on at the running FPV.]
Logan: What was that all about?
Seth: Dunno. Perhaps Frank'll tell us later.
Doc: AHEM. Less talking, more drinking!
Seth: Righto, friend! Here's to not being in prison!
[The three continue their trip to the bar, ready to consume all the Pabst Blue Ribbons they can lay their eyes on.]
-------------------------------------------------------------
[Bobby is once again seated in his chair, smoking his pipe.]
Bobby Cairo: Smashing! What a ripping good yarn!
[Cairo applauds uproariously, looking just a tiny bit stoned at the moment.]
Bobby Cairo: Seth Lerch has been freed and justice has prevailed! Mission accomplished for the Breakout Kings! Now who doesn't love a happy ending? Of course--
[Cairo takes a deep breath and holds it for dramatic effect before exhaling.]
Bobby Cairo: Life does go on for the figures in our truthful tale of intrigue and espionage. Norman Barksdale was convicted of the murder of FBI Agent Green. Not only did he confess to the grisly crime, but his DNA was found amidst previously unanalyzed forensics from the crime scene. Poor Norman.
[Bobby shakes his head in pity.]
Bobby Cairo: WCF owner Seth Lerch received a pardon for the murder charge that he had been convicted of, and received an apology from the Director of the FBI. The next day, Jonny Fly was fired as his lawyer.
[Cairo flashes a smirk.]
Bobby Cairo: Good ol' Jonny. Always gettin' into somethin'. With Seth's release, the Team of Treachery had their team member and friend returned to them in exchange for rogue journalist Lucien Hicks. After being shown the 'fake nudes' of Twilight and Adams, Logan posted them on the Internet. Within a half an hour, the Internet was broken.
[Bobby nods his head in the affirmative.]
Bobby Cairo: I know I was stroking it to them honeybears. Da Funk currently has a #1 single in Latvia called "Free Seth Lerch." It's mostly just noises and samples of people talking about shaking butts, but it's catchy. No word as to whether or not any percentage of its sales went toward helping Seth Lerch's court costs, but hey... Seth's got money, right? Hahaha!
[Cairo takes another hit from that bong, er, I mean dignified and regal pipe.]
Bobby Cairo: As for "Slickie T" Allen Guiliano, he successfully rebuilt his casino from the ground up after the destruction that was caused by Kid Phantasm and friends. Sarah Twilight and Ayria Adams are still YOUR WCF Tag Team Champion, and they are still utterly terrifying... and quite sexy.
[Cairo taps his pee-pee, that Six Inches of Steel.]
Bobby Cairo: Corey Black is presently headlining shows every week for IWF in New York City. Who knows? Maybe he'll pop up in a WCF ring sometime soon!
[Bobby winks at cha ]
Bobby Cairo: Odin Balfore and Zombie McMorris caused roughly 2.3 million dollars in property damage within the course of 14 hours. Charges were never filed against them. However, 2100 miles away, two luchadores wearing similar masks to theirs, but not even vaguely matching their descriptions, were arrested and dragged away to a filthy Mexican prison. Damn this justice system!
[Cairo feigns outrage and a Hulk-style freak out... but nah, he's just playing. He takes another toke and laughs it up.]
Bobby Cairo: The Unstable Elements, La Diabella and Huracan Azul - Nightmare and Kid Phantasm, as we'd know them - were never implicated in the incident that day at the federal prison. They did not suffer any injuries that might affect their wrestling career during the prison break, but it is estimated that both will suffer minor injuries during post-heist coitus. YESSS!
[Cairo pops to his feet and performs a crude "humping" gesture before sitting back down and acting all refined and such again.]
Bobby Cairo: Jonny Fly is still WCF World Champion... and is now a billionaire thanks to his chain of "International House of Skanks" gentlemen's lounges. Somehow, through all of this, he has actually sort of become a decent human being... don't ask me how. Hell, who am I kidding? I love the guy! You da man, Fly!
[Bobby flashes a big thumbs up to the camera.]
Bobby Cairo: As for FPV, he eventually caught up with Vic. Let's just say that the resolution to their conflict will be shown on these very airwaves sometime in the not-too-distant future. Oh yes, it will be grand! That, ladies and gentlemen, concludes the "Where are they now?" portion of our program, which in turn concludes our Emmy Award-winning five-part miniseries "Breakout Kings of the Ring". Tune in next time on Bobby Cairo's Masterpiece Theatre when Shannan Lerch will be joining me as we demonstrate positions from the Kama Sutra. Until then, good night and godspeed!
[With one final toke and a wink from Cairo, we fade... to black.]