Post by Johnny Reb on Oct 17, 2010 11:18:03 GMT -5
The scene opens on what appears to be a vast library. Shelves line the walls, crammed with books, broken only by gossamer-draped floor-to-ceiling windows spaced at regular intervals. Music plays in the background, familiar music; it takes a moment to realize the piece is Lynyrd Skynnyrd’s “Free Bird” as interpreted by a string quartet.
In the center of the room is a bookstand, flanked by a pair of overstuffed leather wingback chairs. On the stand is a large book, bound in maroon leather. The camera focuses in on the gold lettering. It reads: Rebster’s New Confederate Dictionary. The book seems to open of its own accord, the pages flipping by in a blur as the camera pans out once more, and the music fades away.
Seated in either chair are Johnny Reb and Don Jesus Luis de Guadalupe, both wearing gray three-piece suits. As always, Reb has his tag belt slung over one shoulder. Johnny flashes a big smile at the camera.
Johnny: Good afternoon, Ladies an’ Gentlemen, an’ welcome back to another installment of Rebster’s New Confederate Dictionary – the most educational show in sports entertainment! In an ongoin’ effort to foster peace an’ understandin’ between Southerners an’ our Yankee counterparts, I feel it incumbent upon me to try an’ explain the Southern idiom. With that in mind, today, we’re goin’ to discuss simile.
Now, for those among y’all who didn’t pay too much attention in English class, a simile is a phrase that compares two or more things by use of the words “like” or “as.” Simile figures pretty heavily in Southern-style speakin’, which accounts for the variety an’ colorfulness of the language as a whole.
At that moment, Don Jesus interrupts with an exaggerated yawn.
Don Jesus: Bernardo, you’re going to lose the audience if you keep talking like that. Just get on with it.
A slight frown creases Reb’s face.
Johnny: All right, all right. Let’s get down to it, then. As y’all, my loyal fans, already know, this Monday night I’m scheduled to face the Hotdog Mascot an’ Cap’n Punishment in a three-way main event. I been in the ring with the ‘Scot before, an’ I done scouted the Cap’n once or twice. As competitors go, these guys ain’t really up to muster, so far as I’m concerned.
In fact, beatin’ them two is gonna be as easy as slidin’ off a greasy log backward.
Don Jesus: That’s very easy, Bernardo. If it were anyone else, I would say that you underestimate your opponents. This time… not so much.
Reb nods in agreement.
Johnny: Now, that ain’t to say this ain’t gonna be an entertainin’ match. Them boys are gonna be busy as a stump-tailed cow in fly time –
Don Jesus: I thought the Hotdog person was a woman. Only women get pregnant.
The Inveterate Confederate shrugs.
Johnny: I dunno if I buy all that, Chuy. Either way, until I see the person inside that preposterous costume, I’m gonna have to assume it’s a guy. An’ I ain’t gonna be gentle, just ‘cause he or she or whatever is allegedly with child. If the ‘Scot’s been cleared to wrestle, an’ he’s steppin’ into the ring with Yours Truly, he knows the risk. Or he oughta, anyhow.
Now, movin’ on. I reckon I’m gonna take this opportunity to address Mr. Dangerous, as regards the events of last week.
I understand, it’s damn easy to get overexcited durin’ a match, partic’ly a main event. Granted, at first I was madder’n a hornet-stung dog when ya tagged y’self in and made the pinfall. But I get why ya did what ya did, son, an’ I congratulate ya for havin’ the cojones to do it. Just be sure it don’t happen again.
I know you’re disappointed at ol’ Doc’s proposal, Mr. Dangerous; an’ ya ain’t wrong in not trustin’ him. I’m a little leery m’self. That bein’ said, though, me an’ Doc got a long hist’ry. If there’s any possible way to resolve this whole…disagreement ‘twixt us in a reasonable an’ peaceable way, well… I gotta take it. Your opportunity will come, you can be sure of that. Ya made your mark, an’ the Powers That Be are watchin’, I can assure ya. Be patient, son.
Chuy chooses this moment to interrupt again.
Don Jesus: Speaking of Bernardo’s proposal…
Johnny shoots him a quizzical look.
Don Jesus: I do not trust him, either, I think. Your amigo is up to something.
Johnny: He’s always up to somethin’; you oughta know that by now. Doc may be as crooked as a dog’s hind leg, but I reckon this is on the up an’ up. Just ‘cause we ain’t partners no more don’t mean he’s gonna cast aside our friendship – our brotherhood – over a couple of title belts.
Chuy shakes his head, looking doubtful, but keeps his silence this time. Reb seems to realize he’s been sidetracked; he looks up at the camera, smiling again.
Johnny: Anyway, now y’all have seen the use of simile in conversation. That’s all the time we have for today. Thanks for joinin’ us, an’ be sure to tune in next time for another edition of Rebster’s New Confederate Dictionary – your source for right-proper Southern-style speechifyin’!
The camera focuses on Johnny’s cheesy grin for a minute or two, then the whole scene fades to black.
In the center of the room is a bookstand, flanked by a pair of overstuffed leather wingback chairs. On the stand is a large book, bound in maroon leather. The camera focuses in on the gold lettering. It reads: Rebster’s New Confederate Dictionary. The book seems to open of its own accord, the pages flipping by in a blur as the camera pans out once more, and the music fades away.
Seated in either chair are Johnny Reb and Don Jesus Luis de Guadalupe, both wearing gray three-piece suits. As always, Reb has his tag belt slung over one shoulder. Johnny flashes a big smile at the camera.
Johnny: Good afternoon, Ladies an’ Gentlemen, an’ welcome back to another installment of Rebster’s New Confederate Dictionary – the most educational show in sports entertainment! In an ongoin’ effort to foster peace an’ understandin’ between Southerners an’ our Yankee counterparts, I feel it incumbent upon me to try an’ explain the Southern idiom. With that in mind, today, we’re goin’ to discuss simile.
Now, for those among y’all who didn’t pay too much attention in English class, a simile is a phrase that compares two or more things by use of the words “like” or “as.” Simile figures pretty heavily in Southern-style speakin’, which accounts for the variety an’ colorfulness of the language as a whole.
At that moment, Don Jesus interrupts with an exaggerated yawn.
Don Jesus: Bernardo, you’re going to lose the audience if you keep talking like that. Just get on with it.
A slight frown creases Reb’s face.
Johnny: All right, all right. Let’s get down to it, then. As y’all, my loyal fans, already know, this Monday night I’m scheduled to face the Hotdog Mascot an’ Cap’n Punishment in a three-way main event. I been in the ring with the ‘Scot before, an’ I done scouted the Cap’n once or twice. As competitors go, these guys ain’t really up to muster, so far as I’m concerned.
In fact, beatin’ them two is gonna be as easy as slidin’ off a greasy log backward.
Don Jesus: That’s very easy, Bernardo. If it were anyone else, I would say that you underestimate your opponents. This time… not so much.
Reb nods in agreement.
Johnny: Now, that ain’t to say this ain’t gonna be an entertainin’ match. Them boys are gonna be busy as a stump-tailed cow in fly time –
Don Jesus: I thought the Hotdog person was a woman. Only women get pregnant.
The Inveterate Confederate shrugs.
Johnny: I dunno if I buy all that, Chuy. Either way, until I see the person inside that preposterous costume, I’m gonna have to assume it’s a guy. An’ I ain’t gonna be gentle, just ‘cause he or she or whatever is allegedly with child. If the ‘Scot’s been cleared to wrestle, an’ he’s steppin’ into the ring with Yours Truly, he knows the risk. Or he oughta, anyhow.
Now, movin’ on. I reckon I’m gonna take this opportunity to address Mr. Dangerous, as regards the events of last week.
I understand, it’s damn easy to get overexcited durin’ a match, partic’ly a main event. Granted, at first I was madder’n a hornet-stung dog when ya tagged y’self in and made the pinfall. But I get why ya did what ya did, son, an’ I congratulate ya for havin’ the cojones to do it. Just be sure it don’t happen again.
I know you’re disappointed at ol’ Doc’s proposal, Mr. Dangerous; an’ ya ain’t wrong in not trustin’ him. I’m a little leery m’self. That bein’ said, though, me an’ Doc got a long hist’ry. If there’s any possible way to resolve this whole…disagreement ‘twixt us in a reasonable an’ peaceable way, well… I gotta take it. Your opportunity will come, you can be sure of that. Ya made your mark, an’ the Powers That Be are watchin’, I can assure ya. Be patient, son.
Chuy chooses this moment to interrupt again.
Don Jesus: Speaking of Bernardo’s proposal…
Johnny shoots him a quizzical look.
Don Jesus: I do not trust him, either, I think. Your amigo is up to something.
Johnny: He’s always up to somethin’; you oughta know that by now. Doc may be as crooked as a dog’s hind leg, but I reckon this is on the up an’ up. Just ‘cause we ain’t partners no more don’t mean he’s gonna cast aside our friendship – our brotherhood – over a couple of title belts.
Chuy shakes his head, looking doubtful, but keeps his silence this time. Reb seems to realize he’s been sidetracked; he looks up at the camera, smiling again.
Johnny: Anyway, now y’all have seen the use of simile in conversation. That’s all the time we have for today. Thanks for joinin’ us, an’ be sure to tune in next time for another edition of Rebster’s New Confederate Dictionary – your source for right-proper Southern-style speechifyin’!
The camera focuses on Johnny’s cheesy grin for a minute or two, then the whole scene fades to black.
